Please help!!!

Please help!!! (Full Version)

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lttlgirllost -> Please help!!! (6/27/2006 8:52:49 AM)
The reason I chose this handle "lttlgirllost" is because I am. I have been in a relationship with someone for a very long time. A few years ago I discovered this desire to explore BDSM. I approached the person I'm with and he seemed reluctant but willing to try. We tried and I can't express the profound sense of right that I had. I REALLY enjoyed it. So did he. I like being submissive. We really got into it for while, but after a few months he slowed down alot. I asked him if it was a problem and he said no, then proceeded to say things to me that really get me going. The problem is that he stopped following through. He seemed to really get into it when I couldn't do anything ( I had surgery and was unable to do anything for about six weeks ). I could hardly wait. When the time came though, he seemed uninterested . I really feel now that he was only trying to please me, and while that is nice and all mostly I just feel unfufilled. If he's not interested then why do and say things that he knows turn me on, when I'm unable to have sex. He also does this during my period. I feel a little like he's messing with me. I explained to him that although I want to do this, if he wasn't into it then we could quit. He told me that he WAS interested and then told me to tell him everything I was feeling about it. I opened my heart to him, told him things I have never told anyone and frankly I feel betrayed. We're in a very serious long term relationship, something you don't just bail on. Now I'm at a loss for what to do. Please if you have any advice...

daud -> RE: Please help!!! (6/27/2006 9:34:06 AM)
Dear littlegirllost, If your boyfriend or husband seem to not really want to do this but keeps saying he does maybe he just trying to make you happy. You need to sit down with him and have along talk and get your feeling's out in the open. If he still keeps acting the way he does maybe you and him need to stop for a while until he is sure that this is what he want's to do. Also if you need to keep doing it then you see if he would mind if you did and he could watch if he wanted if he doesn"t want to be in it.Hopefully things well work out for you and your boyfriend or husband.

lttlgirllost -> RE: Please help!!! (6/27/2006 9:44:43 AM)
Thank you for replying. have told him how i feel and he told me sharing is out of the question. that's part of the problem.

eruditegirl1 -> RE: Please help!!! (6/27/2006 9:45:00 AM)
I went through the same problem when i first discovered my submissive side....although mine was not what I consider long term...we had only been dating about 5 months...but I liked him...shared similar interests....so I approached him about it...(he is actually the one who found collarme....we had been doing some internet searches and he stumbled across this site)....I know he tried very hard....he was an awesome man...but it just wasn't in him....we eventually separated...not saying that you should separate....but...we had made plans to attend a local munch together before we split up....I always wondered if we had gone...and maybe connected with another D/s couple...maybe it might have been different....maybe with some guidance...some more knowledge....and friends in the same situation...just a thought for you...maybe meet some other like minded people in your area....

CrappyDom -> RE: Please help!!! (6/27/2006 10:35:26 AM)
Being dominant to a brand new submissive can be a massive amount of work. You want (notice the word I chose) to be dominanted 24/7. Which means I (or him) have to be ON 24/7 constantly thinking of things to make you do. Its like being a parent to a child who is very very demanding (but is actually smarter and harder to deal with than a child) and leads to burn out. That said, with him wanting to do it when you can't, that is an issue I can't put my finger on but it is worth exploring.

mslave2bcollared -> RE: Please help!!! (6/28/2006 2:23:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lttlgirllost The reason I chose this handle "lttlgirllost" is because I am. I have been in a relationship with someone for a very long time. A few years ago I discovered this desire to explore BDSM. I approached the person I'm with and he seemed reluctant but willing to try. We tried and I can't express the profound sense of right that I had. I REALLY enjoyed it. So did he. I like being submissive. We really got into it for while, but after a few months he slowed down alot. I asked him if it was a problem and he said no, then proceeded to say things to me that really get me going. The problem is that he stopped following through. He seemed to really get into it when I couldn't do anything ( I had surgery and was unable to do anything for about six weeks ). I could hardly wait. When the time came though, he seemed uninterested . I really feel now that he was only trying to please me, and while that is nice and all mostly I just feel unfufilled. If he's not interested then why do and say things that he knows turn me on, when I'm unable to have sex. He also does this during my period. I feel a little like he's messing with me. I explained to him that although I want to do this, if he wasn't into it then we could quit. He told me that he WAS interested and then told me to tell him everything I was feeling about it. I opened my heart to him, told him things I have never told anyone and frankly I feel betrayed. We're in a very serious long term relationship, something you don't just bail on. Now I'm at a loss for what to do. Please if you have any advice... maybe he feels that things are going too fast.... i do not know how often you did it, but maybe try it off and on. 2 or 3 times out of the week. Watch to see how he reacts to certain things. Find the things that he seems to enjoy the most and work on those frist. Then slowly add more things into ya'lls play. who knows it could work....... Hope it gets better for you two

cutew -> RE: Please help!!! (6/28/2006 11:14:16 PM)
I think there was a lot of great points made already. I can understand the frustration of hearing idea's from your husband/boyfriend, that are at times when HE knows nothing will happen, YET when they could happen, nothing seems to happen! My husband did this for a long time with me, when I started to explore my submissive side (after we where married), he supported me, and tried being Dom with me...we even found One to help us both learn. In the end, my husband enjoyed the Dom role, and YES, did it for me...but both were true statements for him! and of course he did the comments when he knew nothing would happen. We finally made some sense of it though, the comments were not to torment me as I believed, but because he enjoyed the thought of doing such things, but when it came to times to do them, he was worried about doing these things wrong, them NOT being what he had built it up to be. Your better half seems to be new to this as well, you are taking him along on your ride to self discovery, could be that the idea's appeal to him, but also scare him. He is just as new to this, if not newer than you are. My husband also found it frustrating at times, to him it seemed like a great deal of work! Maybe not a share, but finding some one that can work with both of you to guild you both may help? My luck was simple on the fact of sharing though, I can't offer any thing there, because I told my husband long before discovering I was submissive that I would never be monogamous. I told him that point before he even asked me to marry him, because I did know that about myself. I am not saying it is an easy road, or even had a happy ending for me. I love my husband, but we have both accepted that he isn't Dom, he likes some of the acts, but that is about as far as it goes. He use to also be afraid he would hurt me too...and found conflict in himself over that one! Could be you are growing quicker than your better half? He is unsure, worried over hurting you, or such. The Dom seems to have much more be aware of than the sub. Maybe these are some of the issues. Best thing is to talk to him though, explain what and why you are feeling this way. Talking is the best way to sort out these things. But in the end, you both need to be happy in the relationship too!

chellekitty -> RE: Please help!!! (6/29/2006 4:17:25 AM)
believes that submissiveness is not just what he does to you...it is also in the little things you do to serve him whenever he is around, serving him a drink, having dinner ready when he gets home, and for lack of a better word chores...doing things that make his life easier without being asked to do them...you can be submissive without him having to DO anything...his mission, should he choose to accept it, would be, as a Dominant to aceept your submission in daily activities, correct them if he would like them done another way, and point out anything you haven't already thought of... as for play, which takes up i micro amount of time in a 24/7 relationship...can be helped thru a variety of resourses, from reading erotica (take caution with this tho, much of what you read cannot be done realistically) to interacting on message boards to getting involved in the local scene to him taking on a full time mentor, which does NOT mean someone that will play with you to show him how...there are a lot of great people in your state that i have met personally, just get involved in the local or even the next city over scene... good luck chelle

Submotive -> RE: Please help!!! (6/29/2006 9:07:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chellekitty believes that submissiveness is not just what he does to you...it is also in the little things you do to serve him whenever he is around, serving him a drink, having dinner ready when he gets home, and for lack of a better word chores...doing things that make his life easier without being asked to do them...you can be submissive without him having to DO anything...his mission, should he choose to accept it, would be, as a Dominant to aceept your submission in daily activities, correct them if he would like them done another way, and point out anything you haven't already thought of... as for play, which takes up i micro amount of time in a 24/7 relationship...can be helped thru a variety of resourses, from reading erotica (take caution with this tho, much of what you read cannot be done realistically) to interacting on message boards to getting involved in the local scene to him taking on a full time mentor, which does NOT mean someone that will play with you to show him how...there are a lot of great people in your state that i have met personally, just get involved in the local or even the next city over scene... good luck chelle [:)] Yes, what she said. Submission doesn't mean gimme what i want. It's about pleasing Him. If He gives You what You want because You've requested/begged for it, or because He wants to, that's a bonus. Don't feel bad though, i think this is a challenge for most subs/slaves.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Please help!!! (6/29/2006 9:11:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Submotive Yes, what she said. Submission doesn't mean gimme what i want. It's about pleasing Him. If He gives You what You want because You've requested/begged for it, or because He wants to, that's a bonus. Don't feel bad though, i think this is a challenge for most subs/slaves. It depends on what level you are talking. If you want a parfait for dessert (thanks Erin for the fixation now), and your master says yes, then yes, you've gotten a nice bonus. However, we choose relationships because WE are fulfilled and pleased by them. It's not a bonus to be fulfilled in yourself in a relationship- it's what should be integral TO the relationship itself. The challenge is in deciding for yourself what will be bonus and what will be necessary and finding someone who matches with that.

afeathr -> RE: Please help!!! (6/29/2006 4:56:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom Being dominant to a brand new submissive can be a massive amount of work. You want (notice the word I chose) to be dominanted 24/7. Which means I (or him) have to be ON 24/7 constantly thinking of things to make you do. Its like being a parent to a child who is very very demanding (but is actually smarter and harder to deal with than a child) and leads to burn out. I am inclined to follow you on this, Sir. Maybe the problem is that he doesn't know exactly what, when and how to do what he should. Truthfully, being the Dom is the harder job of the two because of the responsibility. He sounds as though he is just not sure exactly where to start and stop (or if he should). I like the idea of being trained or somehow seeking outside assistance. It may help. Both of them are trying to find their way in this new world... it takes time, effort and patience. Communication is definitely the key, and I don't really see how "sharing" is going to help in this situation. It seems a bit early to be considering throwing in the towel. Be your submissive self to the best of your ability while he is feeling his way through this. When you show him what you have to offer, it may kick-start his Dom side to want to push your limits more. Humbly submitted...

littleone35 -> RE: Please help!!! (6/29/2006 6:16:01 PM)
I think you need to take it slow sounds like he is a little scared to me. Sometines taking baby steps can equal a giant step forward. So just go slow and see where it takes you. Best of luck. Matt's littleone

JessieMe -> RE: Please help!!! (6/30/2006 3:57:20 PM)
Dear lttlgirllost, Oh how I sympathize with you on this one. I had the same problem only the man I was with was my Master first and then became my husband second. During our courting phase, he was all that I could ask for. Each time we were together it was great.. and it wasnt always about "playing" but definitely the D/s aspects were there. As time went on there was less and less play involved until He too would be all talk and no action. I could live with the no action.. but to build me up with the talk and then nothing?? that I couldnt deal with. Finally we talked about it and then we talked about it.. and then again we talked about it.. and I remember another time.. we talked about it.. (getting the picture?).. anyways.. finally..unfortunately I left. I needed this more than I could handle not having it. I am not advocating you leave your partner.. I am simply saying.. you are not alone in how you feel.

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