On the topi of mental states and fluctuating limits

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On the topi of mental states and fluctuating limits - 6/29/2013 8:22:27 AM

acheshirekitten

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I was thinking the other day about my mental quirks. Some of it falls under mental illness and some of it is just weird brain patterns. Anyway, I considering how it affects my interaction with the BDSM lifestyle.

There are certain things I can't engage in on certain days. This can go from things like certain kinds of play to touching in general. Over-stimulation is a factor that happens to me a lot and I am very....odd with touch. I don't let people touch me who I don't really know or feel I can trust.

(Trust however, is easily earned, especially if I am in a group of people who I know or are willing to vouch for the person in question).

Because of certain other aspects of my brain patterns, I can only engage on certain things like bondage at particular times. Its not that I don't want to, it's more that I am likely to experience trigger effects if I do get into that sort of play.

So, my thing is this: Are there other people out there like me? I'm sure there have to be at least one or two but I am curious if your limits fluctuate the way mine do or if it's something that is more uncommon.

And I should note: there is a difference between limits that an be pushed and the things i am talking about here. I am okay with most things given the right person. I am willing to test my limits and experiment and see where things go However when things like what I am referring to above come into play, it's not a matter of testing my limits, it's a matter of my own mental health

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RE: On the topi of mental states and fluctuating limits - 6/29/2013 8:58:30 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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I think your first issue about not being touched by people you don't trust or in certain circumstances is very common. I'd go so far as to say it's true of almost everyone. Physical contact can be intimate and forge a connection between us, it can also potentially be threatening. You could write books and books on the psychology and and anthropology of how individuals and cultures deal with touch. There are a lot of unwritten rules which we might not be consciously aware of but that stand out a mile when someone breaches them. For example, in my culture and yours too I would imagine, it's generally unacceptable to deliberately touch someone you don't know well except in certain very specific situations (a handshake after a formal introduction, a light touch on the upper arm to go with an apology or complement etc). It's generally good etiquette on buses or trains to not sit directly next to a stranger unless there are no other seats because it's intimate to be that close to someone.

Long winded, sorry, but this is a totally normal thing and you will have you own personal boundaries depending on your own experiences. It doesn't sound like it's causing you any problems since you say trust isn't hard earned, so I wouldn't give it much thought.

Your second issue - I have experienced this to a less dramatic extent and mostly it has gone away over time. I believe it's partly just maturing, becoming more comfortable with my desired role, and being in a long-term stable relationship. I wonder if you might be more steady on these things if you were with a partner long term - when trust is much stronger and your partner knows you so well he/she can calm your moods and know your bad times, it's easier to avoid any difficulties. That said, my issues were not the result of any kind of trauma, and if yours are I must strongly suggest working them through with a counselor because it will put a lot of strain on a relationship. I'm sure you are already working through some of this with a professional since you say it's a mental health issue, I only mention this because some people look for a dominant partner to 'fix' them.

I'm also not sure exactly what your ideal relationship would look like, because of course that will affect your options. If you wanted regular play partners, for example, you could find someone who understood that there might potentially be short-notice cancellations if you were having a bad day, and then only play when things sounded good. If you were looking to be sub 24/7 in a relationship, I'd say the two of you needed to find a way that you could signal you were feeling at-risk without it resulting in you being in charge. One thing that worked with us - my problems are mostly with anxiety - was having the option to 'time out' something that was happening, take ten minutes to calm myself, talk about it, and get my head in the game. Then I would do whatever it was he asked. I wasn't taking control from him since ultimately I was obeying, but it removed a lot of unnecessary stress and worry by giving me time to get into the proper headspace for what we needed. That might not be enough for you, but there are workarounds if both people want the same thing.

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RE: On the topi of mental states and fluctuating limits - 6/29/2013 9:12:41 AM

acheshirekitten

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Actually, it's only sine i've been in the lifestyle community what I've found that people have such standards. I've always been the odd duck in my area because people are very touchy and will often hug you or greet you with a kiss or something, even if you're a stranger. It's uncommon to have restrictions on touch the way I do.

That's not to say I've not encountered the common rules of touching us that, in my every day life, it's not the ase and I don't often get the desired respect for my boundaries because everyone assumes that it's fine.

The second issue: I've actually been with my current partner for four years. We're not in a kinky relationship, though they support and encourage me to look for people I can explore this side of myself with. I'm sure some of the issues that come up are trust related. It's slightly....complicated as I don't feel entirely comfortable providing all the information that ties into this issue but yes you culd say some trauma was involved.

By no means am I looking for a dominant partner to fix that for em though. I think that is something that would have to be worked on by myself with the aid of someone, not solely left to the other person to fix. I am not something to be "fixed' at all inf act. I am a creature that does my own repairs and simply will use others as tools to mend myself.

...Which sounds harsher than I intended it to but I mean that I'm not going to be fixed by others, that's my job and if you can help, awesome, but if not I don't expect you to.

Also, thank you for your response, I quite appreciate it and am very grateful you took the time to say something.

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RE: On the topi of mental states and fluctuating limits - 6/29/2013 10:16:12 AM

DesFIP

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It's not at all uncommon for pain tolerance to change with your hormonal cycle. So why shouldn't tolerance for other activities?

We've discovered that although usually I love being tied, if for whatever reason I'm not up for it, then forcing it will cause a melt down if not a full blown anxiety attack.

It's just something I need to communicate to him. That it doesn't have anything to do with him and frequently means I'm getting sick. Because a couple of times when we've tried and had the melt down, I come down with a cold the next day.

If I know what's wrong, I tell him. He feels better if he knows that it's because I had no sleep or my IBS is acting up. Or I watched a scary movie and can't shake it.

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RE: On the topi of mental states and fluctuating limits - 6/29/2013 10:32:35 AM

Dyfrynt

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aches, I'm not at all sure anyone on here is qualified to give you appropriate answers. Your mental health is not something you should be playing around with in this lifestyle. And maybe you already do speak to a professional about your mental imbalances.

The most direct answer I can give you involving BDSM is that, as always, communication is critical. You need to know yourself, know what you are up to and what you are not at any particular time, and tell that to whomever you might be involved with. They have to be someone who is tolerant and patient with how your limits fluctuate.

I suspect there are deeper issues here. Things you wouldn't feel comfortable speaking about in an open forum. Nor should you. It is impossible for me to know from this little bit you have written how aware, unaware of these deeper issues, past events. I'm just throwing that out there because that is the vibe I am getting.

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RE: On the topi of mental states and fluctuating limits - 6/29/2013 11:07:15 AM

LeatherBentOne51

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dyfrynt

I totally agree with you that it seems the OP is asking questions without giving us the full story. I understand her hesitancy as most people are unwilling to discuss intimate details of their lives in a public forum such as the message boards. However, I feel that any play partners must be privy to the entire circumstance before playing, lest the result turn into something neither one of them bargained for.

Personally, I have played with people who say they have mental illness after the nature and severity had been previously discussed, sometimes in detail if need be. I hope the OP finds someone to share her concerns with and is someone willing to work with her to achieve the desired results.

Best of luck to you and please feel free to email me if you wish to talk further about your concerns.

LBO51

< Message edited by LeatherBentOne51 -- 6/29/2013 11:08:15 AM >

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RE: On the topi of mental states and fluctuating limits - 6/29/2013 11:32:24 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

There are certain things I can't engage in on certain days. This can go from things like certain kinds of play to touching in general. Over-stimulation is a factor that happens to me a lot and I am very....odd with touch.

I have environmental sensitivities and can relate to getting over stimulated, although we may be using this term in different ways.

If I'm having a bad day, I'll let him know that I am feeling fragile and to please be gentle. We normally enjoy things that induce fear in me, but if I'm overstimulated, I know I should avoid this. We don't frame this in terms of limits, but just me not being up for some things some days.

This goes outside the bedroom as well - although I find noisy restaurants unpleasant, I can usually tolerate them. However, if I'm sleep deprived or stressed from work, we'll negotiate a quieter restaurant. As I approach menopause, my menstrual periods have become quite debilitating. We had concert tickets last night and while normally we would have gone out to eat before the show, I took a few hours off work so I could rest and he got take out.

I need to budget my energy and be realistic about what I can accomplish. My mother, on the other hand, has two speeds - Full Speed Ahead and Dead Stop. She works herself ragged for a few days and then collapses for a few days.

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RE: On the topi of mental states and fluctuating limits - 6/29/2013 11:43:17 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I'm sure some of the issues that come up are trust related. It's slightly....complicated as I don't feel entirely comfortable providing all the information that ties into this issue but yes you culd say some trauma was involved.

I think I know where you're coming from here and want to say that BDSM with the right partner has been empowering for me. And the ability to stop Scenes that weren't going well has been very cathartic.

quote:

By no means am I looking for a dominant partner to fix that for em though. I think that is something that would have to be worked on by myself with the aid of someone, not solely left to the other person to fix. I am not something to be "fixed' at all inf act. I am a creature that does my own repairs and simply will use others as tools to mend myself.

...Which sounds harsher than I intended it to but I mean that I'm not going to be fixed by others, that's my job and if you can help, awesome, but if not I don't expect you to.

I can relate to this too. I have a chronic illness, which I manage myself. I may just need a few "reasonable accommodations" from time to time.

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RE: On the topi of mental states and fluctuating limits - 6/29/2013 1:55:00 PM

DarkSteven

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acheshirekitten, while your issues are definitely not the norm, they're not unheard of either.

1. You don't play with people unless you know and trust them. That puts you in the spectrum of those who play only with their significant other and nobody else, and those who play with anyone.
2. You get triggered sometimes during play. That's pretty common as well. The only unusual thing is that your triggers vary session to session. As long as you're still capable of safewording or tapping out, there won't be an issue.

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