When You're Bad at Dating (Full Version)

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mercuriapax -> When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 6:45:33 PM)


So there are probably threads already devoted to this but I'm feeling some kind of emotions about things (because reasons) and while watching my husband meet women like crazy while I'm lucky to get to a first date? Yeah, my ego is getting a little bruised (I mean, I'm kinda cute and have a good sense of humor) so I thought a thread to ask other people who are terrible at dating how they get around it would be helpful.

So far I've been told I do a few things wrong:

1. I judge based on political affiliations. I refuse to have sexual or romantic relations with certain groups which kind of sucks since these are often the dudes MOST attracted to me. It's fucking weird.

2. My emails are like dissertations.

3. I come across as pretentious.

So I'm working on it guys, but if you too are bad at dating/socializing/meeting people, how did you work through it?



DesFIP -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 6:47:52 PM)

Do you come across better in person? Then maybe start going to munches in your area and meet people there.



dcnovice -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 7:02:32 PM)

I'm no dating expert, but I did have two thoughts:

-- Since you're in the DC area (hi, neighbor!), you might want to check out Black Rose.

-- I enjoyed your profile: nicely written, funny, original. But I'd give some thought to dropping the "Look at your girlfriend..." section. It may turn off guys who don't check out new girlfriends while they're still with the old one. Just a thought.



DarkSteven -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 7:29:34 PM)

Sorry, but you're too nonspecific.

1. How are you trying to meet men? Bars, munches, kink groups? Collarme, Fetlife, OKCupid?
2. Same question as above, but for your husband. How's he meeting women?
3. With men, do you initiate conversations? Do you ask men out, or let them do it? How about your husband, with women?
4. Who was it that told you what you're doing wrong?

Edited to add: I just looked at your profile. It set off a few bells.

A. I don't know what you're looking for. You're looking for Dom and switch men, and you're a sub woman. That sounds reasonable. Then you say you're looking for Friends Only, which would friend-zone any man. Then it says you want to join a poly family. I'm getting confused, and your statement "I want to make friends. If something happens, it happens." confirms that if I start dating you, chances are excellent that it won't progress past friendship.

B. Your profile, with all due respect, reads like a Liberal Arts writing. I'm an engineer - I like things that don't wander about. Paragraph by paragraph:

1. Smartass comments.
2. WTF?
3. I'd drop that. Sex for material things is a big red flag for me, even though you meant it humorously. And it's a weird way to offhandedly mention that you're married. Note that you didn't bother to state that he knows and is onboard with this.
4. No sex, well, maybe, possibly in the future.
5. WTF? Sounds like you'll take just anybody. At least non-Republicans. That's just weird. At least mention the types of men you're attracted to.
6. Why would someone who doesn't read much appreciate book suggestions? You're looking for Doms, not men to change, right?
7. A bit of humor at the end, but self-deprecating.

Let me take a stab at rewriting:

Hi! I'm a 28 year old submissive woman in a happy marriage, who's looking for a Dominant man. I'm married, and my husband knows and approves of me being with others.

The kind of man I want would ideally be liberal politically (Republicans are hard limits), well educated, and a good conversationalist. HWP. Nonsmoker, no drinking or drug problems. Married is okay as long as the wife knows (and I'll ask to meet her). Play won't happen on the first date, and it may not happen even by the fifth - let's see if we're compatible.

I'm a busy girl. I'm looking to spend maybe five to ten hours a week with someone. I prefer ages ranging from XX to YY.

Bonus points if you like hiking, vegan meals, and music.

Edited to further say:

Your third pic is killer. Shows you to have a nice, slender figure.
The first pic is nice as well. A smile on a woman is a powerful thing.



mercuriapax -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 7:43:43 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Sorry, but you're too nonspecific.

1. How are you trying to meet men? Bars, munches, kink groups? Collarme, Fetlife, OKCupid?
2. Same question as above, but for your husband. How's he meeting women?
3. With men, do you initiate conversations? Do you ask men out, or let them do it? How about your husband, with women?
4. Who was it that told you what you're doing wrong?




1. I normally meet men through Collarme. While I can meet men through work, outings, etc just fine, all of them haven't taken to kindly to the whole polyamory thing so that ends up being a "no go" before anything else.

2. He met his girlfriend on Collarme! And before he met her he had other prospects through this site as well. I'm just going to have to admit that my man has game. Mad game. Like "Damn this worked on ME!" game. LOL! I'm not mad at him though.

3. I do initiate conversations because I like talking to people. DH (dear husband) is normally approached.

4. My coworker/BFF. She's really good with men and has been kind enough to be honest with me about my dating deficiencies without being too cruel. She was the one who told me I should focus less on "writing dissertations" and focus more on "normal things." I spend a lot of time in academic/research circles and my love of art history and theology can be off putting and overbearing. She's helping me see how to behave in a way to attract men for dating while not being so judgmental.



mercuriapax -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 7:47:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

I'm no dating expert, but I did have two thoughts:

-- Since you're in the DC area (hi, neighbor!), you might want to check out Black Rose.

-- I enjoyed your profile: nicely written, funny, original. But I'd give some thought to dropping the "Look at your girlfriend..." section. It may turn off guys who don't check out new girlfriends while they're still with the old one. Just a thought.




Yay! Party line! I should check out Black Rose. I've been meaning to get back up into the DC area for awhile anyway.

And I'll give your suggestion a shot. It was supposed to be a reference to that hilarious Old Spice commerical, but I shouldn't assume everyone has seen it. So lemme change that and see what comes of it.



DarkSteven -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 8:05:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mercuriapax

1. I normally meet men through Collarme. While I can meet men through work, outings, etc just fine, all of them haven't taken to kindly to the whole polyamory thing so that ends up being a "no go" before anything else.


OMG. DO NOT meet partners at work!!!!!!

I'd expect that you meet thousands of men on collarme, most of them married and cheating, or else wankers who don't know what the lifestyle is about.
quote:



2. He met his girlfriend on Collarme! And before he met her he had other prospects through this site as well. I'm just going to have to admit that my man has game. Mad game. Like "Damn this worked on ME!" game. LOL! I'm not mad at him though.


I'm impressed. It's not easy to meet women here.
quote:



3. I do initiate conversations because I like talking to people. DH (dear husband) is normally approached.


So, what's the issue? You initiate conversations online and get no reply? You talk online but it never goes to RL? What's the problem?
quote:



4. My coworker/BFF. She's really good with men and has been kind enough to be honest with me about my dating deficiencies without being too cruel. She was the one who told me I should focus less on "writing dissertations" and focus more on "normal things." I spend a lot of time in academic/research circles and my love of art history and theology can be off putting and overbearing. She's helping me see how to behave in a way to attract men for dating while not being so judgmental.


Just for the record, I agree with her. I'm used to to-the-point Powerpoint presentations and your profile wandered around without hitting the points I consider critical. But I wanted to know where your critiquer was coming from, and if he/she had an agenda.

Edited to add: The Crucible should be in your area as well.



mercuriapax -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 8:05:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven



A. I don't know what you're looking for. You're looking for Dom and switch men, and you're a sub woman. That sounds reasonable. Then you say you're looking for Friends Only, which would friend-zone any man. Then it says you want to join a poly family. I'm getting confused, and your statement "I want to make friends. If something happens, it happens." confirms that if I start dating you, chances are excellent that it won't progress past friendship.


Dating me is no guarantee of anything. I thought guys were the same way? I mean, I dated guys in college where we never got naked so I kind of figured me putting out wasn't a given just because we did karaoke and Soju lemon shots a few nights during the month.


quote:


B. Your profile, with all due respect, reads like a Liberal Arts writing.


Sweet! Take THAT dad!

quote:


I'm an engineer - I like things that don't wander about. Paragraph by paragraph:

1. Smartass comments.
2. WTF?
3. I'd drop that. Sex for material things is a big red flag for me, even though you meant it humorously. And it's a weird way to offhandedly mention that you're married. Note that you didn't bother to state that he knows and is onboard with this.
4. No sex, well, maybe, possibly in the future.
5. WTF? Sounds like you'll take just anybody. At least non-Republicans. That's just weird. At least mention the types of men you're attracted to.
6. Why would someone who doesn't read much appreciate book suggestions? You're looking for Doms, not men to change, right?
7. A bit of humor at the end, but self-deprecating.


Sorry, not dropping the "book slut" thing. Non-Bibliophiles just won't understand it and I'm kind of cool with that. If you can't laugh about what someone is willing to do for a $180 copy of a text outlining ancient Judaic mysticism and angelology I just don't know what to do with you. ^_~ What are we going to do? Discuss the merits of Dan Brown? Um...like ew.


quote:


Let me take a stab at rewriting:

Hi! I'm a 28 year old submissive woman in a happy marriage, who's looking for a Dominant man. I'm married, and my husband knows and approves of me being with others.

The kind of man I want would ideally be liberal politically (Republicans are hard limits), well educated, and a good conversationalist. HWP. Nonsmoker, no drinking or drug problems. Married is okay as long as the wife knows (and I'll ask to meet her). Play won't happen on the first date, and it may not happen even by the fifth - let's see if we're compatible.

Bonus points if you like hiking, vegan meals, and music.


Thank you for the rewrite! I can deifnitely see where your write-up is a quite a bit clearer than mine. I will be go back and make edits based on these recommendations.

Won't ever hide being a book ho though. Prose before hoes bro. Besides, my Amazon wishlist is for my husband's eyes only. I mean, how do you explain your interest in medeival hagiography WITHOUT coming off like a nut? You don't. Believe me. I've tried.



dcnovice -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 8:08:49 PM)

quote:

how do you explain your interest in medeival hagiography WITHOUT coming off like a nut? You don't. Believe me. I've tried.

Have you read Fifth Business by Robertson Davies? If not, you might enjoy it.



jlf1961 -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 8:13:38 PM)

Try answering the question "what is your favorite possession?" If I answer honestly, I get looked at like I am a psychopath.



mercuriapax -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 8:13:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

So, what's the issue? You initiate conversations online and get no reply? You talk online but it never goes to RL? What's the problem?





I know I'M the issue. I can accept that wholly. I get replies just about every time. I have no shortage of men who express interest but when it comes to the final draw, the show down, I get...annoyed or I'll try to share something and they won't get it and I'll feel discouraged or like the whole thing is "pointless" or the guy just doesn't "get me."

No lie. The last dude I had an amazing connection with was in SEMINARY. I mean no chance of ANYTHING going off at all, but his understanding of Ecclesiology was orgasmic and his Latin was beautiful to behold.

I know it's all me and that's why L (my best friend) is trying to break me out of this habit.



DarkSteven -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 8:14:29 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mercuriapax


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven


A. I don't know what you're looking for. You're looking for Dom and switch men, and you're a sub woman. That sounds reasonable. Then you say you're looking for Friends Only, which would friend-zone any man. Then it says you want to join a poly family. I'm getting confused, and your statement "I want to make friends. If something happens, it happens." confirms that if I start dating you, chances are excellent that it won't progress past friendship.


Dating me is no guarantee of anything. I thought guys were the same way? I mean, I dated guys in college where we never got naked so I kind of figured me putting out wasn't a given just because we did karaoke and Soju lemon shots a few nights during the month.




I'm having a hard time nailing this down, but it sounds to me like you'd be perfectly content with a friend as opposed to something more. It sounds to me like chances are that I'd end up permanently friend zoned. I'd want to know there's a good chance I could get more. I realize that sex isn't guaranteed, but there's something about the way you wrote that sounded like it wasn't very much on the table.

I get the feeling I'm not explaining this well.



mercuriapax -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 8:21:16 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven



I'm having a hard time nailing this down, but it sounds to me like you'd be perfectly content with a friend as opposed to something more. It sounds to me like chances are that I'd end up permanently friend zoned. I'd want to know there's a good chance I could get more. I realize that sex isn't guaranteed, but there's something about the way you wrote that sounded like it wasn't very much on the table.

I get the feeling I'm not explaining this well.




No, no. I can see where you are coming from. I know I require a mental connection to feel sexually attracted. When I was younger a guy could just be hot and I'd be like "Yeah! Taking the clothes off like whaaaaaaat?" But now I want to be razzle-dazzled with passion and interest about something, anything.

I thank everyone for their honest input. I'm using this to help reformulate how I come across on the site.



dcnovice -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 8:24:15 PM)

quote:

his understanding of Ecclesiology was orgasmic and his Latin was beautiful to behold.

Be still, my heart.



DarkSteven -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 8:25:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mercuriapax


quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

So, what's the issue? You initiate conversations online and get no reply? You talk online but it never goes to RL? What's the problem?



I know I'M the issue. I can accept that wholly. I get replies just about every time. I have no shortage of men who express interest but when it comes to the final draw, the show down, I get...annoyed or I'll try to share something and they won't get it and I'll feel discouraged or like the whole thing is "pointless" or the guy just doesn't "get me."

No lie. The last dude I had an amazing connection with was in SEMINARY. I mean no chance of ANYTHING going off at all, but his understanding of Ecclesiology was orgasmic and his Latin was beautiful to behold.

I know it's all me and that's why L (my best friend) is trying to break me out of this habit.


I'm explaining myself poorly. And engineers and liberal arts types... "East is East and West is West and never the two shall meet."

Think of a flowchart. Boxes showing each sequential step. The first one is "mercuriapax sees a collarme profile and decides to contact him. She sends out a message." The second one is "CM man receives message, reads it, and responds." The breakdown occurs after the two of you are talking online but prior to meeting, correct? If not, what is the "final draw", the "showdown"?

Why is it important that if you share something, they get it? If you tried five times and they got three, would that suffice?

If you decide that they're not compatible, why get down on yourself because of that?

The anecdote about the ecclesiast bothers me. It sounds like you're looking for a liberal arts PhD type who is also a Dom. We Doms tend to be driven, hardnosed types who grunt and snort a lot. The Venn diagram shows a very small intersection between the two populations.



mercuriapax -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 8:25:52 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice

quote:

how do you explain your interest in medeival hagiography WITHOUT coming off like a nut? You don't. Believe me. I've tried.

Have you read Fifth Business by Robertson Davies? If not, you might enjoy it.


Look you! I do NOT have time for your bullshit! Pay no attention to me adding that book to my Goodreads "to read" list.

LOL!



littlewonder -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 10:03:57 PM)

You're married. Even though it's an open marriage, you're going to find it tough to find someone who will want to play with you. I'm kinda surprised your husband is able to find girls unless he's not telling them he's married. If so then that answers your questions right there.

If you're just looking to fuck and play and not have a relationship with someone, then what does it matter what their political affiliation is??? What does it matter what they are period? Just find some guy you think is hot and he wants to fuck you and be done with it.

You're in DC. Go to the Crucible. You will have no shortage whatsoever of finding guys.



ResidentSadist -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/29/2013 11:15:14 PM)

Fist, get a T shirt made with these excerpts from your profile:

"Call me a book slut. I have traded blow jobs in exchange for new books."

Then go hang out at Barnes & Noble. You should find several playmates rather quickly.



WinsomeDefiance -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/30/2013 12:50:38 AM)

I used to have a shirt that said, "Flattery will get you everywhere." It pays to advertise [;)]



goodgirlmary -> RE: When You're Bad at Dating (6/30/2013 4:12:40 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: jlf1961

Try answering the question "what is your favorite possession?" If I answer honestly, I get looked at like I am a psychopath.

andnoone wants to know? Sheesh. I dolol.



I think your profile is very fine. Things take time. I know the ask to meet your wife thingmight be bad.I get that you are tryingto remove the cheaters,but I know several in open marriages, and theyd never have gone for that. its awkward.



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