RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship?

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/3/2013 11:09:12 AM

Dyfrynt

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Serious problems can lead to a better relationship IF:

1. You learn from the mistakes of the relationship that caused the problems, and
2. You make it your business not to repeat those same mistakes again.

Which is not my perception of what you are doing. You say he had a heart attack and left you. Apparently for another woman. But he and you are attempting to work things out, and have agreed no sex, which the implication of your words suggests you are not adhering to.

The implication I come away with, and this is very tentative from your brief description, is that you are making all the mistakes you made the first go 'round. My advise would be to distance yourself from this man for a time. Not that you have to never see him again. But a complete separation for a couple of months would be very useful to both of you.

Your best suggestion was to get out by yourself and get involved with other local people in the scene. This is a healthy move and I strongly encourage you to do it.

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/4/2013 11:09:47 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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what you are feeling happens to LOTS and LOTS of subs after a breakup. They get bitter, angry and jaded and all of a sudden they want to top someone else. They suddenly declare themselves to be a Domme until a few months or years later they meet a man who they realize they want to submit to. They let their shields down and get over their bitterness and jadedness.

My advice....drop the guy. He cheated on you. He'll most likely do it again. Move on. Then don't date anyone, don't play with anyone, don't top, don't bottom, nothing, nada....instead concentrate on getting your life back in order, get a hobby, figure out who you really are. If you are having problems with those walls then see a therapist.

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/4/2013 11:14:39 PM

littlewonder

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If she decides she wants to form a new relationship with him, with rules in place that she sets to protect herself then she certainly can.

"You want to be with me, this is what I need from you".

And by giving this ultimatum, she'll get a man who is just there in person but not there in spirit.

Seems like a sad relationship to me. If you need to tell someone they have to change before you take them back, do you really want them back???? I know I wouldn't.

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/5/2013 4:05:15 AM

DarkSteven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If she decides she wants to form a new relationship with him, with rules in place that she sets to protect herself then she certainly can.

"You want to be with me, this is what I need from you".

And by giving this ultimatum, she'll get a man who is just there in person but not there in spirit.

Seems like a sad relationship to me. If you need to tell someone they have to change before you take them back, do you really want them back???? I know I wouldn't.

That's kind of my thinking.

I wouldn't advise going with a man who had cheated on his previous partner. Rules or no rules. If the previous partner was you, then I feel that you've already signaled that making up again is a form of acceptance of the previous cheating, and indicates that the rules don't have that much bite. (NOTE: If HE came to YOU and offered rules to protect you, then I MIGHT be willing to reconsider. But rules from the sub that the Dom was supposed to follow - too easy for a Dom to not feel he has to follow rules coming from his sub.)

crystalclarinet, let me ask you a blunt question - if you could pick to be with your ex platonically or not be with him at all (I would strongly advise against nothing more), which would you choose, and how would you want to get there?

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/10/2013 1:58:12 AM

inxsboy666

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Joined: 7/9/2013
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you're just having a post breakup manic episode. here is what you do:

1) buy a goldfish. name it after your ex. get really emotionally invested in it and wait for it to die.
2) buy another goldfish. name it after your ex. get really emotionally invested in it and wait for it to die.
3) after the 2nd goldfish dies have a little funeral for it. flush it down the toilet. get totally wasted on box wine. call your ex at three in the morning, shouting into the phone that you're over him and you just flushed him down the toilet. assure him all his scales fell off and it took three flushes to keep him down. speculate that there must have been a lot of algae in the water. no matter how confused he gets, offer no explanations, ever, for the rest of your life.

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/11/2013 6:13:22 PM

kalikshama

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Best breakup advice ever!

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/11/2013 7:29:59 PM

tammystarm

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Agrees with darksteven

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/21/2013 11:56:13 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crystalclarinet
Mostly I want to meet like minded individuals because all of my friends are vanilla and only see this stuff as getting hurt.

I don't do any of "this stuff". But from what I have observed I routinely get hurt much, much worse when I'm rollerblading than pretty much any BDSM scene I've ever seen. Sure, there are oddball exceptions but for the most part I think I win. What can I say? I just like to try to jump stuff and, in general, do risky things when hurtling down the road at high rates of speed with virtually no protection. Are they horrified at that also?

quote:

I know what my therapist says but he also has a negative outlook towards s&m anyways just wondering if anyone else out there can relate or not?

For starters, get a new therapist or else hash out this SM thing with your current one. But whether the therapist is right or wrong, one you don't trust is utterly pointless. In general it sounds like a lot is in turmoil in your life so it sounds totally predictable that things are popping out in unusual directions inside yourself. Can any of that lead to a better relationship? Yes and no. I doubt these things are directly either good or bad for your relationship. But what is true is that previously you were living a lie. You had no idea what your actual relationship was. That is now gone and reality is in front of you. What you two make of that is up to you two. The fact that things are all helter skelter is a good thing because nothing can change when everything is all locked down nice & tidy.

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RE: Can serious problems lead to a better relationship? - 7/21/2013 1:47:34 PM

slaveluci

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Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crystalclarinet

In the past we have wanted to consider another woman, but that just never happened, now I have an overwhelming desire to top a woman with or without him. All of this is very strange so I am just wondering if relationship issues are what is bringing out this stuff in me or was it there all the time. I know what my therapist says but he also has a negative outlook towards s&m anyways just wondering if anyone else out there can relate or not?

Leaving aside whether or not you "should" be trying to work things out with him - everyone weighs in on that but that's totally your call and his - I don't see anything negative about wanting to "top a woman." If you do it "with" him, that opens up a whole other can o' worms, so to speak, but doing it on your own doesn't seem a bad, negative thing to me.

Who cares why you want to? If it's only "topping" and not jumping into a "serious" emotionally-involved relationship, why does it matter "why" you want to do it? If you're sure you do, find someone if possible, be honest with her about what you want, if it matches with what she wants, top her and have a blast! Having fun outside any relationship with him might give you some enjoyment and much-needed perspective. I say go for it. As long as you're being honest with yourself and any potential partners (only for play or deeper), I think you're good. Don't overanalyze wanting to have some fun!

luci

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