question for beginners

question for beginners (Full Version)

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Lisa21068 -> question for beginners (6/27/2006 12:15:40 PM)
I am a beginner at all of this, 2 months to be exact. I have not done much with my fiance, but would like to know the best way to start out. What is the best way to not go too fast, and communicate?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 12:28:59 PM)
The best way to not go too fast unfortunately is to communicate and force yourself to wait, stop, pause, research and then green light. How to communicate? If you have a thought- say it. If you have a question- ask it. Remove all blocks and pauses that would prevent anything from coming out of your mouth.

Lisa21068 -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 12:39:50 PM)
Thank you for the reply. I am not understanding one thing though. I love being dominated by him but also boss him around, and is it wrong for me to tell him what i want and position his hands in places, etc???? Does submissive mean totally letting them take control, because sometimes i love taking control and making him feel as though he needs me and wants me?

CrappyDom -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 12:48:58 PM)
LA, I strongly strongly object to just saying anything that comes to mind. Learning to communicate is a vastly more complicated process than most here realize and thus the frequent posts that have lack of communication skills as their either major underlying issue or one that complicates the issue at hand. Communicating clearly (and its crucial counterpoint, listening clearly) is very much a learned skill. Doing WIIWD requires advanced communication skills VERY few possess. If I wasn't studying 4 hours a day for a summer math class I would have written the post about communication skills that has been rattling around in that empty space I call a brain.

CrappyDom -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 12:50:13 PM)
Lisa, Buy both The Bottoming Book, and The Topping Book, read them to each other...they will help you two immensely.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 12:51:05 PM)
quote: then green light. Thank you for the reply. I am not understanding one thing though. I love being dominated by him but also boss him around, and is it wrong for me to tell him what i want and position his hands in places, etc???? Does submissive mean totally letting them take control, because sometimes i love taking control and making him feel as though he needs me and wants me? You could be switches. Or you could be submissive within a limited range of day to day life. Do whatever works for you guys- the point is to be happy together.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 12:52:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CrappyDom I strongly strongly object to just saying anything that comes to mind. Learning to communicate is a vastly more complicated process than most here realize and thus the frequent posts that have lack of communication skills as their either major underlying issue or one that complicates the issue at hand. Communicating clearly (and its crucial counterpoint, listening clearly) is very much a learned skill. Doing WIIWD requires advanced communication skills VERY few possess. I thought about caveating what I said with something like that- but then I thought nahhh- don't block, just go for it, it's ok to make mistakes some times and better to have the full truth out than to worry about the process at this point. Call it an intuition spark. Plus, you've now caveated for me, thus dispelling any responsibility upon myself. :)

Lisa21068 -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 12:59:48 PM)
I am confused now! It is wrong for me to tell him what i want and boss him around while still being submissive?????

crouchingtigress -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 1:09:14 PM)
there is a book called non-violent communication and it teaches a skill called active listening, nothing to do with BDSM but anyone who is even the tiniest bit willing to enhance their skills should read it...this book will change your life.

KnightofMists -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 1:49:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lisa21068 I am confused now! It is wrong for me to tell him what i want and boss him around while still being submissive????? Does it feel wrong for you to do that? Or do you enjoy doing it? Does he enjoy it? or Does he dislike it? Your question can only be answered within the dynamics of your own relationship..

heartfeltsub -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 1:51:49 PM)
It is possible that you are more of a bottom (enjoying the sensations) than a submissive. There is no right or wrong, it is a matter of what works for you. And as LA said, you may find as you spend more time exploring that you are a switch, sometimes interacting as the bottom in the dynamic and sometimes interacting as the top in the dynamic. Go slow, explore, have fun.

petcerina -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 1:52:18 PM)
Is it wrong? That depends on if your Master believes it to be. What you are refferring to could be topping from the bottom, or it could be that you don't trust him enough to know what your desires are, or it could be that you are a switch as LA suggested. As for myself in my relationship with my Master, this is frowned upon. However, i am a 24/7 slave. Even if you find that that much day to day activity in BDSM is for you, it doesn't mean that it's wrong if your Master enjoys a somewhat bratty side. i hope this helps. i feel to go further would be to impose my views on you; that is something i do not wish to do.

Lisa21068 -> RE: question for beginners (6/27/2006 1:56:39 PM)
Yes, you last 3 have helped me so much. yes we both enjoy it!!!! And he loves the bitchy/bratty me sometimes, and then the dominance kicks in with slapping, etc for me being bad. So in our situation, it works. It makes it fun to be a bitch sometimes on purpose just to get him angrier. thanks for the advice Lisa

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