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CrappyDom -> a glimpse of my inner journey (6/27/2006 1:52:40 PM)
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Once upon a time long long ago a new face appeared in a chat room. Bored with his relationship like so many others he began to look around. Having had actual sex, good sex in fact, he quickly become bored of the chatroom too. None of these people seemed to know what real sex was about and had no sense of imagery or what things were supposed to look like. Wandering the halls of cyber space he ran across a room full of sick perverts who at least had some sense of what things should look like, a sense of imagery and fantasy. Appalled at the controlling assholes, he played friend and offered many a woman a shoulder to cry on about their newest asshole or Dom as they preferred to be called.
Then one day, as a slave was bemoaning the fact that the Dom they had chosen to serve was such a control freak that he wanted to control what she work, he panicked. Images from his own life of women he had reduced to tears, real women, over what to wear, how to dress and the exact same things these demented assholes were doing. Fight or flight, fight or flight….he chose flight, killed the computer and vowed not to touch it again.
Thus began a very long journey of self-exploration, one that isn’t done and one that from every peak new unknown and mysterious vistas are glimpsed. I took long and hard stock of myself at that point, I could see the threads of control running through my relationships, how I really liked things done my way. I read a few things on the internet and pronounced myself healthy and dove back in. This was of course all unknown to my partner. So months later I broke her heart when she discovered I was cheating on the internet with another woman. I of course broke it off with the woman on the internet and broke another heart.
She was a wonderful woman and we tried to make things work, played with some D/s and S&M stuff. She was willing to do anything to please me but I wanted a real submissive. Part of the problem with doing D/s when you don’t have your shit together is your lower half starts to have control issues. Since getting my shit together was too hard I instead attacked her. Eventually I drove that relationship into the ground.
So I walk into the room at the bed and breakfast to find the most lovely creature, all naked and waxed waiting for me. We had several lovely trysts but she was too young, I was to far away and while we remained friends, it didn’t work out. However I was off on a running start. In fact I ran through a number of women. I also started doing some reading of real non-fiction books on S&M by people who had actually been there and done this stuff. I started to modify my actions a bit, adopted the whole SSC mantra. Then I met her, collared her, and fell deeply madly in love. With a married woman. Oh what drama. She was in fact a woman I would never have had the balls to meet, she answered an advertisement of mine. Short, insecure, and a bit demanding in a uniquely submissive way (remember that, it will be important later) and oh what a glorious woman at the same time.
She was pretty levelheaded and much better at having healthy relationships than I. We saw various therapists, nothing really helped. More drama. However, I was growing and maturing although far far from perfect, a land I had only heard rumors of at that time. I have always been introspective and new many of my life issues stem from my father. My therapist often asked about what my relationship was like with my mother and I assured her it was fine. We talked and did work on my self-image issues I got from my father and other things and I made some progress. Still plenty of sturm and drang. Her and I were desperate to make things work and tried many things. One of which was a sort of plastic egg to keep her quiet. OH MY FUCKING GOD THAT WAS HOT. Now one thing I really developed during that period was my inner observer, who sat bolt upright in his chair and screamed “what the hell was that” in reference to my reaction to gagging her. I thought long and hard about and after a few months decided it was about taking away her power of voice. That really sat wrong with me but it sure felt true. It sounded so wrong to want to silence her but again, it sure felt hot.
So I fucked up that relationship too, we don’t even speak.
So, as often happens at the end of a relationship, many of the things your partner was screaming at you or begging you to look at start to sink in and you do some growing. I certainly did but then again, I had plenty to do and when you start at zero and move to one, that is after all a 100% improvement.
So along comes the next wonderful woman (one thing I am blessed with is that some truly amazing women find something in me worth putting up with me) and this one is a Domme. We meant to be friends but when she started looking up at me like that (tiny woman again) I just couldn’t help myself and grabbed her and kissed her deeply (and while a pattern, I don’t think the dragging them off to my cave is a bad pattern for me) and we became lovers. Sturm and drang but unlike my former lover she was calm and things didn’t escalate as quickly or at least didn’t do so as often. We talked but we also had some ugly ugly fights. A few years later she talks me into seeing a counselor for anger management. Oh my god! He was an amazing man and I threw off that shackle of attacking (emotionally, not physically, but at 6’2 when I am mad it can be scary for the little girls I take as lovers) the ones I love for few others ever see that side of myself. Six months of intense therapy and while not cured I am quite in control of myself and the relationship blossoms and we spend another blissful year together. I finally convince her to return to school and get her degree but to do so she has to move three to four hours away. We make it work for another year, it is hard, we don’t like being apart but through hard work and understanding on my part, I keep her feeling safe, loved, and protected. Something it had taken me almost 40 years to learn to do with someone I lived with and I was now able to do it to someone who lived way too far away. I have found the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
She wants kids and I don’t. Sad but that ends the relationship but this time we part as dear friends. I have decided to go to school as well and have chosen to sell my house so I can concentrate on school and not have to work and be able to accept any internship/scholarship I so desire. I also move in with my mother…
And thus I realize my relationship with my mother is far from perfect. My god the woman is controlling, full of hidden resentments, anger, unable to calmly and openly discuss things. Who the hell IS this woman? Oh yeah, me. Oh and she is every woman I have ever dated. Oh shit. I start to see things. Now I understand why I live ball gags, it is to silence my mother. I see why I have trouble asking/demanding the things I want. More oh shit moments, in fact I seem to be sort of living in an oh shit moment.
Looking at my parents with a bit clearer perspective I see where I have gotten my traits, where some are unadulterated and some are weird combinations of the two, coping mechanisms for another. Those fucking growth opportunities!
Well I am growing, I realize much about how my dominance works now. I am controlling because that is how my mother relates to the world as a first born, something I share with her. It is also why I hate authority and others attempts at controlling me. That is why I love being a daddy is it isn’t so much controlling as nurturing. I also realize that is why I have always chosen short partners all the while lusting for tall women. I used to think it cool that when I imagine my short partners in my head that I always think of them as my height. I had always interpreted that as my seeing them as equals but now I wonder if I don’t see them as giants and so I pick a small one that when magnified in my mind isn’t overwhelming.
I am not a switch but being able to play in San Francisco, I get to meet some pretty amazing female dominants. There are one or two I have met that made me feel some subtle undercurrents of “submissiveness” more of needing/wanting to serve them. I have never acted on it but was curious where it came from. All the ones who caused this reaction where very calm, very wise and just oozed dominance, but they also had one trait in common, and it was a clear sense of their ability to nurture those they played with. In living with my mother, as wonderful as she is and as much as I love her I realize that much of it is all about her. So I think they combined some of the good parts as well as some of the archetypes of my mother but had one thing she lacked, a sense of genuine nurturing with no strings attached, no hidden resentments.
I think one of my most powerful skills as a dominant is my empathy, my ability to get inside someone’s head and see what is going on, even if they can’t. Well, it is a skill familiar to anyone with alcoholic or abusive parents. While my parents shared neither of those traits, my mother certainly did have a temper and my childhood was spent trying to sense and predict those outbursts.
Which is why, up till this time, I have always picked fairly demanding partners or at least I let them be demanding and didn’t have the skills to change it. One of the many reasons I am not seeking a committed partner is I want room to work on and examine all the above, something I find easier if I am not in a committed relationship
So I now have no doubts where my dominance comes from but where it will lead with this new knowledge I have no idea. YMMV
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