Control - Substance over theory

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Spiritedsub2 -> Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 10:26:59 AM)
I have been wondering lately how control plays out in individual D/s relationships. There are all sorts of threads about BDSM techniques and physical skills, but unless I'm mistaken, control is more a facet of D/s, and I haven't seen much posted on the "how" of it. I see from recent posts I'm not the only newish person wondering about this. My fairly brief introduction to control came in the form of gradual micromanagement. I had to text him whenever I left where I was, where I was going, and text again when I got there, so he knew within 800 square feet where I was all the time. That relationship went south before the micromanagement escalated in the ways he said it would. I quickly discovered that I loved being controlled by the desired "him", but was highly annoyed by micromanagement. The control felt metaphorically like a strong hand around my throat or my wrists, dizzying and hot. The micro rules drove me nuts - I am too fucking busy most of the time to stop what I'm doing and obey silly rules like that. I don't know what else control "looks" like in real-time D/s relationships and would appreciate anyone into that dynamic willing to share practical details of their "how".

SwitchNSpanky -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 11:05:47 AM)
My 24/7 control usually left room for improv by my sub. I give a job to be done. Add restrictions like no hands. She says i got neighbor boy to do cuz I flashed a tit. I'm like "unconventional, yes. But extra points for creativity. Ben more extra points for getting him to mow my lawn to boot!

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 11:25:32 AM)
The hallmark of a dominant person is their desire for control in their personal relationships. Some are into breadth of control (quantity) others into depth of control (quality). I prefer depth of control and don't like to micromanage or to be micromanaged. It's my view that many (not all) doms into micromanaging are inexperienced a/o not sufficiently evolved to know what areas they would like that depth of control.

DesFIP -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 11:34:55 AM)
Micromanagement can be hot in short doses. But long term, if he really can't delegate anything, then he's going to burn out quickly. Because he'll have to be following me around all the time making sure I do it right. Honestly I don't need directions to be able to fry some chicken. Just tell me you want chicken for dinner. Now physical control is an immediate turn on here. I'm bound and gagged, and it's all about him taking his pleasure of me.

Darkfeather -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 12:11:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2 I have been wondering lately how control plays out in individual D/s relationships. There are all sorts of threads about BDSM techniques and physical skills, but unless I'm mistaken, control is more a facet of D/s, and I haven't seen much posted on the "how" of it. I see from recent posts I'm not the only newish person wondering about this. My fairly brief introduction to control came in the form of gradual micromanagement. I had to text him whenever I left where I was, where I was going, and text again when I got there, so he knew within 800 square feet where I was all the time. That relationship went south before the micromanagement escalated in the ways he said it would. I quickly discovered that I loved being controlled by the desired "him", but was highly annoyed by micromanagement. The control felt metaphorically like a strong hand around my throat or my wrists, dizzying and hot. The micro rules drove me nuts - I am too fucking busy most of the time to stop what I'm doing and obey silly rules like that. I don't know what else control "looks" like in real-time D/s relationships and would appreciate anyone into that dynamic willing to share practical details of their "how". Ah, control. There are as many approaches to the ways of control, as there are opening gambits to chess. And like that game, a good practitioner of control never stops learning more openings. As to what it looks like, basically, dominance is control. The difference comes in the degree, subtlety if you will. Micromanagement is blatant control. Protocols and positions, a tad more subtle. If you get a tingle every time you hear his voice, really subtle. As for the "how", depends on which degree you are talking and the details ya want. Really subtle and it would take pages

Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 1:22:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Darkfeather Ah, control. ....Micromanagement is blatant control. Protocols and positions, a tad more subtle. If you get a tingle every time you hear his voice, really subtle. As for the "how", depends on which degree you are talking and the details ya want. Really subtle and it would take pages I would like to hear about "really subtle". Really blatant I can come up with on my own.[:)]

kiwisub12 -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 1:51:21 PM)
My late dom gave me rules and guidelines - and they were fairly broad. He'd send me grocery shopping, but leave what I bought to me. Micromanagement wasn't his style - because he said it was too much work for HIM. He said he was too lazy to micromanage.

OrionTheWolf -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 1:58:36 PM)
I use Internal Enslavement techniques. You can learn more about them here I also include ritual and protocol in the various facets of our day. There are other web sites that have other essays about the same subjects. In the beginning of the process it required a lot of getting to know my girl in depth, and then micro managing with emotional and psychological elements taken into consideration. As the process began to take hold, and most if any resistance was broken down, I micro managed less. This started with everything from asking to use the bathroom, get a drink, eat or any mundane thing while in my presence or via cell (there was an emergency clause if things were an emergency). As my girl began to see how I liked things then it was even less micro managed, as she started to know how I liked things. It required a lot of work in the beginning, but I am absolutely amazed at what we have now.

Darkfeather -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 2:00:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2 quote: ORIGINAL: Darkfeather Ah, control. ....Micromanagement is blatant control. Protocols and positions, a tad more subtle. If you get a tingle every time you hear his voice, really subtle. As for the "how", depends on which degree you are talking and the details ya want. Really subtle and it would take pages I would like to hear about "really subtle". Really blatant I can come up with on my own.[:)] It would be pages to describe because its kinda like describing how one paints. Its a thought process based on an individual. Subtle control is all about "tweaking" the things that arouse, excite, mystify a person. How you do that depends greatly on the person, it could be by touch, sounds, food, etc. The fun is exploring all the possibilities, coming up with that magic combination that gets sparkles and rainbows

SwitchNSpanky -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 2:13:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf I use Internal Enslavement techniques. You can learn more about them here I also include ritual and protocol in the various facets of our day. There are other web sites that have other essays about the same subjects. In the beginning of the process it required a lot of getting to know my girl in depth, and then micro managing with emotional and psychological elements taken into consideration. As the process began to take hold, and most if any resistance was broken down, I micro managed less. This started with everything from asking to use the bathroom, get a drink, eat or any mundane thing while in my presence or via cell (there was an emergency clause if things were an emergency). As my girl began to see how I liked things then it was even less micro managed, as she started to know how I liked things. It required a lot of work in the beginning, but I am absolutely amazed at what we have now. Only having read this far in the thread. This is my goal as a Dom. He describrs it all very well.

Missokyst -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 3:50:10 PM)
This style of management would drive me insane. I would question why he needed to know every moment of my day. Did he think HIS judgment was so bad he could not pick a trustworthy mate? Did he think it was a way to remind me of his position over me? If he did I would ask why he thought his hold on me was so tenuous that he felt I needed constant reminders. No matter how I could look at it, for me it meant his power over me was less than my own. There would be absolutely no compatibility between us. In my relationships it has always been, he leads, suggests, asks, and I do, because I want him in my life that much that my own priorities are secondary. The desire to be HIS sub overrides my knowledge that I can darned well do it myself. quote: ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2 I quickly discovered that I loved being controlled by the desired "him", but was highly annoyed by micromanagement.

Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 4:00:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Missokyst This style of management would drive me insane. I would question why he needed to know every moment of my day. Did he think HIS judgment was so bad he could not pick a trustworthy mate? Did he think it was a way to remind me of his position over me? If he did I would ask why he thought his hold on me was so tenuous that he felt I needed constant reminders. No matter how I could look at it, for me it meant his power over me was less than my own. There would be absolutely no compatibility between us. In my relationships it has always been, he leads, suggests, asks, and I do, because I want him in my life that much that my own priorities are secondary. The desire to be HIS sub overrides my knowledge that I can darned well do it myself. quote: ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2 I quickly discovered that I loved being controlled by the desired "him", but was highly annoyed by micromanagement. Part of it for him was protectiveness, perhaps an over-the-top degree of it (he is a cop). One day I got lost in a new town, and he knew exactly where I was and guided me to the freeway. A novel and security-inducing experience for me. He also wanted me thinking about him all day long, which was a definite side effect of the rules. It wasn't all awful, I have to say, for a first time experience. I wouldn't want to live like that for long. Edited to add: as a novice, his rules had the effect that SimplyMichael wrote in the Contracts thread, copied here: "Like all ritual, they can be used to enhance a submissive mindset, to provide structure and safety, to have a tangible presence of the relationship."

littlewonder -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 7:34:29 PM)
Control for me is easy.....he says, I do. If he wants me to drop what I'm doing to do something else then I drop what I'm doing, no matter how silly I think it may be or how important I may think what I'm doing is. I trust Master and I know he thinks things through before telling me to do them. There's no micromanagement. We're both way too busy to do that and too old. We're both out of energy by the time we get home from work lol. As for him telling me to do silly things....yeah, there have been times. I mean, come on...he's a sadist. [:D] I think people think too hard about all this stuff. Control is nothing special or difficult. It's just something he has over you or he doesn't. Plus, it really does depend on your personality. I love control over me because I'm a submissive personality. I don't like being the one in control, the leader. I like being the follower, the one sitting in the back of the room. Being in control all the time just wears me out.

Missokyst -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/9/2013 7:55:38 PM)
Ahh... a cop. Yeah, gotta say one of my most interesting non permanant partners was a cop. They can be very controling. Sometimes it did feel warm and snuggly, sometimes it made me wet (even though that came from his telling other cops to pull me over and tell me to call him), and sometimes it drove me insane. All in all, too much control over someone (me) who was not that invested in his personal comfort. quote: ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2 Part of it for him was protectiveness, perhaps an over-the-top degree of it (he is a cop). One day I got lost in a new town, and he knew exactly where I was and guided me to the freeway. A novel and security-inducing experience for me.

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/10/2013 9:19:53 AM)
Personally I LOVE micromanagement. I just can't get enough of it. Sometimes I have hang ups about letting him that deep into my private life but once I submit I find it exhilarating and liberating. I can literally just let go and be a slave. I don't think it would be possible for me to feel too much control. Sometimes I do feel agitated and restless but that's usually because I'm not letting him know what's going on or what I need. For example, I felt rushed before anal play because I was too shy to explain that I needed to clean myself first, so I was doing it without mentioning it. Once I explained and he understood, he factored it in and now I no longer feel rushed. Angst is usually a sign that I need to submit more and give up more control.

Dyfrynt -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/10/2013 10:09:43 AM)
Micromanagement is, obviously, only one style of control. And you also obviously realized that it is not for you. So off to a good start! Control can be overt and it can be covert. It can be subtle and it can be complex. My style uses all four of these techniques, depending on the particular situation involved. My goal is to have my slave be controlled by her desires to please me. One could say, I suppose, that this is my kink. Subtle and covert actions on my part that get her to do my desire as if she were thinking it is her own. That is not always possible. Sometimes I need to be quite forthright about what I want. Sometimes she is confused, not sure what she should do, and she always has permission to ask questions; get clarifications. I am about as far from micromanagement as is possible. I have to be as our relationship only works when she is free to think and act on her own. That is one very different way that control looks like. And those are the details of the how. Questions? Feel free to ask.

DesFIP -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/10/2013 10:17:32 AM)
Anybody who had to 'break down my resistance' instead of being able to inspire my submission isn't someone I want to know. It's ham handed. Making me want to do it shows a lot more dominance then beating me into it.

OrionTheWolf -> RE: Control - Substance over theory (7/10/2013 10:45:45 AM)
Breaking down someone's resistance using violence produces temporary effects. Everyone has resistance, even those with a submissive personalty. There are emotional and psychological barriers that are in place, and to get those to come down takes time and a lot of effort. Trust and security actually work the best, especially if things can be tied into a persons emotional and psychological quirks. One of the basic elements is bonding after production of oxytocin and ritual done before the times oxytocin may be produced. There is a very short return on the use of physical punishment in a training regiment. The best someone very severe may get is a "battered wife" syndrome out of someone. As Des states, if someone is using beatings as the only method of breaking down resistance, then you are better off walking away unless all you want is a short relationship of this and you are also aware of the possible effects on your psyche. quote: ORIGINAL: DesFIP Anybody who had to 'break down my resistance' instead of being able to inspire my submission isn't someone I want to know. It's ham handed. Making me want to do it shows a lot more dominance then beating me into it.

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