Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (Full Version)

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heartfeltsub -> Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 5:12:50 AM)

Recently there was a thread on here about location which prompted me to wonder again about an issue that has been raised on here a couple of times, to which i would really like an answer.

If one is in a location where there are not a lot of other lifestyle people around, especially as most of us are looking for particular things, then to be able to find someone (in this day and age) most of us will look on sites like CM or other internet locations which can mean that the people we are talking with can be long distance from us.

Many times it has been said, and i wholeheartedly agree, that submission (if one is looking for something beyond an online relationship) prior to a face to face meeting is not wise and can end up with prematurely formed emotional attachments, as face to face meetings can change everything.

All that being said, how does one balance those factors, to find someone who is compatible, potentially with someone who is a long distance away while holding off on making attachments that may not hold up once the two people are face-to-face when initial face-to face meetings might not be possible for a long time (due to distance).  

i know that there are people who have made that dynamic work successfully, and i am wondering how you did it, and whether or not you think you have done so successfully. i know there are lots of horror stories of this going wrong and while those are important to the people involved, i am really looking for answers from people who have been able to do this balancing act.

Thank you.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 5:49:18 AM)

I seriously just do not consider someone as a possible relationship UNTIL I've met them offline.  I've been through the LDR thing, I've been through the mainly cyber thing, I've been through the cyber dating/offline meeting/relationship cycle a few times.

It's just not worth my energy and wasted time. 

The only LDRs I've seen work in the long term were either ones that were happy just being occasional playmates/lovers, or ones that had a clear plan for NOT being LDR within a few years and made it happen.



BreakMeShakeMe -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 6:26:48 AM)

I get contacted alot from doms from other states.. countries.. and I always end up telling them. Thank you but you are too far away from me. I do look more locally. Yes granted I may be pushing away the "perfect" dominant for me. But it's a chance I take. Because my life just doesn't allow me to look beyond my back yard (so to speak). Kids in school... family near by that I don't wish to move from because they're not gonna be around much longer.

I personally think .... the ones that state... "I travel alot"  or "I'm in your area alot" are not looking for a submissive.. they're looking to get laid while in town. To me that is my waste of time. Others may not... that's their business not mine. Now others have... including myself... have and do get involved in LDRs... and some make it work.. and moves are made.  That's all fine  and dandy.. if  indeed that  is each others  agenda. I just learned the hard way.... to keep it more local than not. Bad enough the local is hard enough.

It actually amazes me.. that when you meet someone on line...that the dominants..(and i'm sure some submissives) get so obsessive. They actually forget the person they're speaking with has a life off line. That life will come first... specially when family is involved. I've been talking to a couple of doms.. i've had to almost get rude with.. because they try to get me talk of certain things on line.. or turn on cam... and I tell them.. my kids are in room  and I can't right now. The either try to continue.. or get pist with me. It's at that time I laugh and use the ignore button... or just shut down my PC without another word. It's ones who behave like this.. I know a meet is outta the question... hell alot of times I don't want to talk to them no more.

So it doesn't matter how far away they are... or how close... I find dealing with on line "relationships" to hard to deal with. But I still do talk to some. And eventually will meet someone. But it is a timely process... because I like to see how patient one can be on line... to know how patient they may possibly be off line.



lisa1978 -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 7:29:07 AM)

Although my move eight hundred miles relationship only lasted seven months, I consider it somewhat successful because there was no dramatic thing that put an end to it and we are still friends.

For me the key was patience and keeping the brain ahead of the heart. I will agree that until you meet a person face to face that any emotional attachment is not wise and needs to be treated more as a hopeful/friends type situation and not I have found the one. I am not one to just drop everything at a minutes notice so I knew that I was not goinig to meet someone online and move to them withint a month or two. Finding a similar person whose goal was not getting any woman to be their property was very hard. Most that I talked to were so "excited" to be talking to a potential slave that they would say anything, push constantly and make inappropiate statements of emotion for the time we had communicated.

Once I found a person, we both made a concerted effort not to get caught up in any frenzy or idealized heart pull. Personally I never let myself get carried away with dreams of the possible new life. After our first face to face meeting over a long weekend it became impossible to check my heart, but that still did not make me change the rest of my life because I thought I had found the one. I still put full effort into my job, maintain fringe friends and still tried to live life like I would not be moving. The more times we met in person the more my heart fell and I slowly allowed it to take over my thoughts.

Sum it up for me, I tried very hard to think and live my life like I would not be moving. I refused/repressed feelings I was getting from talking to the person until they were validated by real time experiences and we took our time and did  not rush things. Must take the time for time sake. Things that helped me stay on an even keel was staying active, doing things with friends and family and anything else that I would normally do. I think the worse thing you can do is stay at the computer all day and wait for Emails or constantly stare at the phone hoping it is going to ring. Make it a  part of your life. Not your entire life.




heartfeltsub -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 7:54:09 AM)

Thank you for your answers. Breakme i understand looking locally as i tend to do the same myself, so i understand your answer, i was also wondering for people like IB who has stated many times that there aren't people locally at all, and Loki who recently made a similiar comment in the location thread, how not only from the submssive side but also from the Dom side, how "far" does one go submission-wise, either giving submission or asking for submission if a face to face intial meeting can't happen in a few weeks due to distance.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 7:56:00 AM)

Thank you lisa.



BreakMeShakeMe -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 8:04:35 AM)

I often wondered the same heartfelt.....

It's been mentioned before about how quickly one wants to meet face to face or move on. And sometimes when dealing with distance.. it just can't happen. Specially as some expect.. or want it to. When someone contacts me with distance... I smile... say thank you..and let them know.. the distance is an issue.. and one I do not wish to deal with. Even if they are indeed looking for submission and not just to get laid. I find myself not being able to express myself.... fullfill my needs as a submissive... when he's not there to recieve my submission. And not just sexually. But in all ways. It really falls back to the wondering.. the not being sure... trust issues. Having been thru this before.. being hurt badly.... it's just too hard for me to deal with it..so for my own sake.. I don't. I'm glad others can.. i'm glad others try... I just can't..and don't.



Driver1961 -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 8:05:51 AM)

He enters, dips His lid.

Excellent reply Lisa1978!

Being 'real' as in operating normally day to day is essential in the formation of a LDR.  L/A states similar.

The bottom line for me is that  I and a prospective MUST operate cyber with the same respect and trust from the beginning.  How can I trust someone if I dont exhibit behaviour for them to trust me? I look /ed for a Lifestyle sub and lifetime equal and partner.

5 meets over 4 months then my Precious moved 2,500 miles to be here with me.  That was 3 1/2 months ago.

So many things were discussed prior to moving and I sit here happy in the knowledge that our D/s relationship grows daily.

Real people have Real relationships.


Warm regards, Driver 1961, Sir to His loving Wildchild






aellea -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 8:27:51 AM)

lisa and breakme have covered all the points that i've felt time and time again... they both verbalize so well... thank you!



Calandra -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 8:47:41 AM)

Heartfelt,
 
I see submission as a personality trait as much as a lifestyle choice. I am willing to consider someone long distance if over time, we talk and have a lot in common, and if I ask very minorcnon-lifestyle things of them and they comply.
 
I may ask them to send me a letter through snail mail, or go out on a weekend and visit a museum, or any number of things that require that they turn the computer off and go outside their front door for a while. I know that I tend to be online quite a lot when I'm hurting and need connection with the outside world, but when I am fairly pain free, I go out and do things... a person who is considering being my partner someday in real life would have to be willing to demonstrate that they also appreciate a life away from the computer.
 
I have had submissives in the past who wanted long distance with no chance of meeting... I was fine with that, and still have a few who are close friends (though I don't Domme them anymore). The biggest difference I discovered between the ones I retained interest in and the ones I didn't, were simply this: The ones who OBEYED even when My command didn't have ANYTHING to do with BDSM were much happier and fulfilled than those who's focus was on BDSM activites primarily.
 
Interesting huh? 



LeatherBentOne -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 8:58:07 AM)

I met my submissive online about a year ago.  When we first started chatting, we explored each other's life; occupation, family, hobbies, friends and relationships in general.  After about 2 months, I started sending her articles from the internet on BDSM and we discussed them at length.  The articles were on all sorts of topics, about 20-25 of them.  We had regular meetings online and we spoke by phone about once a week.  In total, we spent about 3-4 hours weekly between online and phone.  I controlled the pace, making sure that the content of discussion didn't move forward too swiftly, always keeping in mind that we hadn't yet met each other.

Before meeting each other, we spoke of limits but I made it clear that this didnt guarantee play or anything sexual.  When we met, we had a pretty good idea what the other person was about so we felt very comfortable together.  The face-to-face was promising, so we continued meeting online and phone after the meeting in real.  About 4 months after the first meeting of 2 weeks, we spent a month together.  All went well, and we had the mutual desire to be together as a monogymous couple.  This was after playing together and being sexual; also many hours of discussing limits, expectations, responsibilities, finances, basically the whole ball of wax.

In August, I will relocate since Im the more flexible.  It's been almost exactly a year since we've felt this way about each other.  I'm glad we took our time learning about each other, so there'll be a minimum of surprises.  And yes, we had a disagreement already where tempers flared on both parts, and we worked that out and discussed a better stradegy.
So it is possible to get to know someone through online and phone but I agree face-to-face is very important.  I'm glad we waited to find out we had much in common before letting our emotions take hold.  A foundation is mandatory and must be built upon brick by brick as time goes by. 

LeatherBentOne



heartfeltsub -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 9:05:21 AM)

Thank you for that very complete answer from the Dominant's perspective. It is very helpful.



rose442 -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 9:49:19 AM)

Master and I WERE a part of LDR. I have lived in Ohio all my life, and Master in California. We were in a LDR for 2 years. Master moved here 10 months ago. Wwe met 1 time in person. 6 months into Oour relationship online.
 
Wwe have rough times now. It is really hard adjusting to offline. And this may sound stupid to you, but it is really real to me. I am extremely jealous of the computer and who Master talks to on here. And it is because of how intense our relationship was, based on an online relationship. And I know how people can feel that have an online relationship. Master or I either one held any thoughts or feelings from each other. Honest with each other. And Wwe built our relationship from there. So it can be (was for me) very intense. By the time Wwe were together physically for good, there was nothing to surprise the other with. But yes saying how you are, and how you do things are very different than living it.
 
Master moved here. So it was hard on Him of course. He left everything and everyone behind. All His friends and family, and lots of Material things are back in CA.
 
So for me all I have to do is adjust to Master's ways. And let me tell you, that is a job in itself. It is very hard for me.
 
So in LDR's it is very hard to adjust to. For all involved. But I know from experience it is very possible.
 
quote:

 heartfelfsub wrote:
 
 Many times it has been said, and i wholeheartedly agree, that submission (if one is looking for something beyond an online relationship) prior to a face to face meeting is not wise and can end up with prematurely formed emotional attachments, as face to face meetings can change everything.


 
I agree with that and I don't. If you work on a relationship from day one, getting to know each other, when you do meet face to face, the worry, anxiety, tension, and nervousness is not as bad. That is how Master and I did it. When I met Him 6 months after we began a relationship. There was some nervousness and anxiety there. But I was comfortable, felt safe, wanted, and needed, the minute Oour eyes met at the airport. So the whole time I was there, I was comfortable, open to Him, free to express my feelings to Master and relax. But I can also see that if Wwe hadn't built Oour relationship first, somewhat. That neither one of Uus would have been comfortable and would be starting oour relationship then. And when I left to come home, I was heart broken having to leave Master behind. And I wouldn't have felt that if Wwe hadn't had the bond Wwe did. And I might not have felt Wwe had a relationship to build on and enjoy if I hadn't gotten as emotionally attached as I did. I might has said it wasn't worth it. And moved on.
 
The balancing act is very hard. Especially moving from online to real-time. It is a big adjustment. But it is possible. And if both have the right mindset from the get-go it can work.
 
rose442



Tikkiee -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 10:01:51 AM)

I don't do long distance, in any way, shape or form. That's just me though, and my preferences.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 10:19:18 AM)

Thank you all for your replies. One of the things that i have noticed in talking with different people who i have initially met online, that there can be chemistry online, chemistry on the phone and then when meeting face to face i start wondering who it was i was talking with as there seems to be no chemistry in the face to face meeting.

With local people when a intial meeting is set after a couple of weeks, that isn't as much of an issue. But in instances like you described Rose, to talk for 6 months, what happens if at that first meeting, the chemistry that you and your Master had had up to that point wasn't there. That is another part of this whole dynamics that makes me wonder.




LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 10:23:58 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
With local people when a intial meeting is set after a couple of weeks, that isn't as much of an issue. But in instances like you described Rose, to talk for 6 months, what happens if at that first meeting, the chemistry that you and your Master had had up to that point wasn't there. That is another part of this whole dynamics that makes me wonder.

Over time I've set a limit that there's no reason a financially independent adult can't set 3 days aside within 2 months of the decision that we want to meet eachother to make a long distance visit to someone.  And if they can't make the time and effort enough of a priority within two months after deciding that we want to meet, then that's pretty much enough of a sign to me of where the relationship will be.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 10:33:01 AM)

LA, that sounds like a really good limit to set, thank you.



MasterKalif -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 10:34:21 AM)

I think a big problem is that many people are "comfortable" in their home town, state or their country....and naturally so because that is what that person has known their entire life or most of it....hence it is a comfort zone. I for example could settle anywhere as long as there was a good job available and some people spoke English...

but I agree with many who posted here, it is hard adjusting or even dealing in a LDR, and many times it doesnt work if the trust is broken or if one of the partners finds someone they prefer locally.



SusanofO -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 10:37:41 AM)

I've never done this, so have no pertinent comments, but have to say geez, what a great topic! - Susan



lisa1978 -> RE: Location, Long Distance Relationships & Submission Before Face-to-Face Meetings (6/28/2006 11:17:16 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub
With local people when a intial meeting is set after a couple of weeks, that isn't as much of an issue. But in instances like you described Rose, to talk for 6 months, what happens if at that first meeting, the chemistry that you and your Master had had up to that point wasn't there. That is another part of this whole dynamics that makes me wonder.

Over time I've set a limit that there's no reason a financially independent adult can't set 3 days aside within 2 months of the decision that we want to meet eachother to make a long distance visit to someone.  And if they can't make the time and effort enough of a priority within two months after deciding that we want to meet, then that's pretty much enough of a sign to me of where the relationship will be.


I agree with this totally. I think by the time the first message to the day I met face to face was 2 1/2 months. Waiting too long just has such big problems. One that I have seen and read is that waiting too long can cause people to lose judgement. Too much time has been invested and there becomes a feeling that this has to work out instead of should this work. I am currently setting up a couple of dates now so I can meet some potential people.

I understand that economical factors can get involved but this stuff is too important. For me a round trip ticket eight hundreds miles away from major airport ot major airport booked at least two weeks in advanced costs $225 with taxes. We each would fly to each other once a month. Had to cut back on some things but it was not that horrible. The key is of course what LA wrote "financially independent". If things are so tight or financially impossible for both people then maybe it is best to concentrate on that part first before going online for a long distance relationship.




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