Frustration

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MattG -> Frustration (11/14/2004 6:28:08 PM)
Hello one and all... ...this is one of those questions that is going to come across as me being bitter, when really I'm just a little frustrated and am doing my best to better understand the submissive female mind. Many times, here on CM or via another web venue, I will contact a prospective sub to replace my dear departed Emily (no, no, she didn't pass away, she moved). The sub will usually get back to me, whether or not they are interested, which is always appreciated. However, there have been several times when they are interested, we get to know one another to some extent, and then suddenly they are going back to their old master, or there's a sub online for a day and they proclaim themselves collared, or they fail to mention they are already under consideration by another. There's one girl in NJ who flat out states in her profile that she is not interested in men...then in her journal, she expounds happily about her new man play-raping her in the woods. Huh? Again, let me emphasize, I'm not saying that any sub I (or anyone else, for that matter) contacts be immediately mine. Not the case at all. I simply don't understand why it's so difficult for many female subs to know what they want, or at least, be open about their situation. I don't want to waste my time or theirs. Is being so indecisive a sub thing, or a female thing? Or is it that the combination really can wreak havoc on the decision making process? [;)] I would really appreciate someone shedding light on this, and the best way for me to minimize future misunderstandings.

siamsa24 -> RE: Frustration (11/14/2004 6:58:09 PM)
I can only speak for myself, as I do not know what is going through the minds of everyone else. I state in my profile "no men" as well, but that is because I already have one. I am happily owned and we are only seeking females. I do, however, respond to everyone that writes to me, it seems like a polite thing to do. I do not try to lead people on, but I do tend to assume that they have read my profile, which can lead to strange situations later on. As to if it is a sub thing, a woman thing, or both, I think that it is a person thing. I don't try to lead people on, but I know some that do just for the fun of it. I don't think that those people are right, but that's what they do.

HisV -> RE: Frustration (11/14/2004 8:41:12 PM)
laugh I SOOOO understand your frustration.. but it goes both ways. Believe me there are as many subs out there frustrated in you Doms for the same reasons. :) There a lot of "fakers" out there. Wading through it is like being a mind reader, psychologist, and psychic all in one. Pretty impossible. The one thing that both subs and Doms should do... especially if they want their relationship to work... is be HONEST. yeah I know its a hard concept for many, but its definately a MUST. I know many subs who have been talking with the same Dom with a hope of being collared, only to find out that the same Dom has many other subs they weren't told of, or the Dom has run off with some other sub out of the blue, or the Dom has just disappeared altogether. As for indecisiveness, yeah it does seem to be prevalent in many subs - but not all. Its not just a female thing. :) I do wish you the best in your search. HUG Just keep in mind, if they're not being honest, how will you ever trust them to truely submit?

rubytuesday -> RE: Frustration (11/14/2004 9:04:00 PM)
IMO and in my experience I think anytime you deal in cyberspace you are going to get frustrated - its so hard sometimes to know who is being honest and who isnt - and I doubt that will ever change - I guess its a matter of working through each opportunity and then taking a chance. If they are that fickle and indecisive then you've had a lucky escape I think. And in my experience its not limited to female indeciveness - males do it as well ................... All I can say is good luck - you sound like a decent person and I know you will get a break soon. Smiles ruby

Mercnbeth -> RE: Frustration (11/15/2004 10:52:54 AM)
quote: the best way for me to minimize future misunderstandings. Assuming you are interested in a real experience versus cyber mutual masturbation, I have two rules to suggest. 1. NEVER cyber - It's not a good way to get to know your contact. It is a way for them to avoid real contact. Most often, it's a dead end. 2. Meet as quickly as possible. Time-frame inversely proportional to distance. Max time for me during my search was two weeks. With few exceptions, that's long enough for anyone legitimately seeking real contact to arrange time and safety net. I'm not suggesting that this will solve your problem, but your frustration level should decrease because you won't be investing your emotions on fakes and wannabes. You also should conduct a self evaluation on the occurrences that got to a certain point and then fizzled. Did you cause them to abandon the pursuit? Were you consistent? Did you manner/actions indicate that you were seeking sex primarily versus a lifestyle partner? Regarding your NJ girl, she may have more then enough men in her life and is only posting here to get in touch with her female side. Good Luck!

MattG -> RE: Frustration (11/22/2004 9:43:43 PM)
AGH! Again! Well, at least I'm consistent.

IndySubPrincess -> RE: Frustration (11/29/2004 6:21:03 AM)
I agree completely. Those are two rules I try very hard to never break. I also tend to stay within a certain geographical region, so that meeting immediately is a real possibility. I hate cyber and phone sex, and avoid them at all costs. I don't really like getting to know people on the phone or the internet because I find that people raise there expectations when they think they "know" you... Plus, the phone and the internet just aren't real to me... As to the original posting. I put exactly what I want in my profile. I am very honest and upfront about things. I will change my profile if I am seriously considering someone... But for the most part, I would have to say that, though I am prone to changing my mind, I try to be decisive. I've never had any kind of conflict because of some dishonesty or misunderstanding having to do with info on my profile or things I have said that have been confusing... however, we all make our mistakes. :) Just my two cents. IndySubPrincess

harmony3709 -> RE: Frustration (11/30/2004 9:09:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth 2. Meet as quickly as possible. Time-frame inversely proportional to distance. Max time for me during my search was two weeks. With few exceptions, that's long enough for anyone legitimately seeking real contact to arrange time and safety net. I'm not suggesting that this will solve your problem, but your frustration level should decrease because you won't be investing your emotions on fakes and wannabes. I have several Dom friends who have made very similar statements because in their opinion, it quickly determines whether a sub they are talking to is really interested in getting together. From my own personal view, if a Dom wishes to meet with me after we expressed a mutual interest, as long as a few emails have been exchanged, a couple of phone conversations to at least determine if we have similar interests (both BDSM and vanilla), then I don't mind having a public meeting after a fairly short time. Especially since I have felt a similar frustration myself, wondering if the person really just wants an online relationship or has some other reason they don't want to meet. I can only repeat what has been said above and the good points already made.....and especially to assure you that many subs feel equally frustrated while searching for the one you hope will be The One!! harmony

MastersGirl -> RE: Frustration (12/1/2004 10:00:01 AM)
Hello! I think maybe these so-called subs are just being honest. Not in their profiles, not in chat, not in their emails and probably not to themselves. Here is my 2cents on the issue: It takes a lot of honesty for a woman to look deep within heself and admit to the submissive calling they feel. It goes against everything society has taught us about being "strong liberated women". I know it's hard because I have done! I came to the conclusion through my own experiences that I am strong because I have the guts to look at the darker sides of myself and embrace them. I am liberated because I can go to the office and be a force most men in the business find intimidating and still go home, kneel for my husband and nurture him in our own special way. You cannot find yourself and offer yourself (or your submission!) if you don't know who you are. How can you know who you are if you can't honestly look at yourself? Try posting a "serious inquiries only" statement....unfortunately, people tend to email without serious thought to what the profile says. My profile is a dedication to my husband and Master, yet I still get emails from male Doms expressing interest. I am flattered but I do not lead them on in anyway and plolitely say that Master does not allow play online with other men. Plain and simple. Good Luck....I hope you find what you are looking for.

MsHoney2you -> RE: Frustration (12/4/2004 8:09:17 PM)
MattG, Many women want to have the intimacy they read on the internet. www.castlerealm.com was my first site re: BDSM. I was completely taken, it touched my soul... but reality was truly different. In reality, what happened to the honetsy? Integrity? and all the other buzzwords? Call me naiev and yes you are right... but... I came in this lifestyle as a sub, after only a few short months learned that people are people no matter what side of the flogger they are on. Becuase you enjoy kinky sex, use a whip/flogger or play with wax does not make you honest. Does not proove your trustworthiness, ONLY TIME DOES THIS. Suggest simply meeting subs, chat with them, don't hang your hat on that one sub but go out and meet them at socials. Take your time to get to know them, have play partners but with only play in mind. That will keep you safe and playing, and allow you to continue your search for Your sub. It will also keep your heart safe. Dominants get hurt too when relationships break up (for whatever reason), the loss is real. I have been fortunate in forming a great friendship with a core group of friends. We play with each others partners (not sex, just play) and play in the pre-determined allowable realms. This keeps us all happy and safe. We are able to share what we have learned, enjoy playing and still continue to seek our ultimate partners. I apologize for this lengthy reply to your original statement, but hopefully you too can build this core group as it truly will help you to avoid even more frustration. Ms Honey

BeachMystress -> RE: Frustration (12/4/2004 8:55:36 PM)
We all get frustrated at times. I was very close to totally giving up the lifestyle and forgetting about subs a couple of months ago. I'd HAD it. I'd been lied to by one too many sub. After a lot of thought, I realized I couldn't do without BDSM contact at all. I joined a local Domme group. I figured I could interact with the Domme and ignore the subs. Well, I've found in a short time with the group that the problem wasn't that I was sick of subs. It was that I was sick of the quality of subs I'd been meeting. The subs in the organization I've joined are much higher quality. They are much more serious about submission. I'm still a bit gunshy.. Not quite willing to trust totally. As I get to know more of the subs, I'm feeling more comfortable. Sooner or later I expect I'll be at the point of being willing to select one as my personal sub. Don't give up quite yet. The only group I find actually in Allentown is a FemDom group. I'm going to give you some links for the Philly area kink. Hope they help! http://groups.yahoo.com/group/phillybdsm/ http://www.crimsonabyss.org/ http://www.philadungeonsociety.com/index.htm http://groups.yahoo.com/group/sj_phillymetro_bd/

Wolfsbabygirlz -> RE: Frustration (12/5/2004 1:49:40 AM)
greetings ...as a sub, under collar of consideration, all I can say is being indecisive or returning to old Dom and what not is the person, not the gender. I am totally committed to my Sir & wouldnt dream of showing such disrespect of being so flakey as I read you say. I believe that if its a perfect match, there's no thought of indecision. Comes from not knowing what a sub wants I think. I am both honored and proud to have found the perfect Dom for me ..... Wolfsbabygirlz =)

DomButNotForgotn -> RE: Frustration (12/12/2004 4:36:56 PM)
I know a sub with a very Domme online name - because she does not want every Horny Net Geek to send her a GET ONN YER NEES, BITSH e-mail! I mean, really, would you want that - funny as it is? I know it's frustrating trying to find a good partner online, and you have to be patient. There are indecisive people, and those who post a profile because they are shaky in their D/s relationship. If their problem gets resolved, they can stop looking, if they are set free, they can use the new profile. So it goes. I think D/s and BDSM activites appeal to a lot of men, and a surprisingly large number of women, so you have every possibility of finding the right playtoy. Be patient, and persevere. I wish you well. Carry on! Mark Malden, MA

MasterPhineas -> RE: Frustration (12/14/2004 8:39:02 AM)
I can definitely relate to your problems. My search is also compounded because I'm not looking for a ltr or 24x7 relationship. I have a permanent relationship that I'm not looking to interfere with or replace. I'm only willing to consider subs/slaves who are interested in a Teacher/student relationship (not literally as in role-play, but as the underlying theme of the relationship). I'm very clear about this upfront and find that most subs/slaves are only looking for a permanent Master who might one day offer a collar. I'd rather train the sub/slave and guide her on a journey of self-discovery. Further, I refuse to limit myself to one sub or slave. I usually enjoy training 3-4 at a time because my subs/slaves can learn as much from their interaction with one another as they can from me. Unfortunately, but understandably, many subs/slaves want to be the center of attention and don't want to share Master's attention with others. Master Phineas

dally -> RE: Frustration (12/14/2004 12:29:14 PM)
I'm afraid to say it, but I have to come clean with this one...I am one of those subs you all have mentioned here. Yes, I have backed out of possible relationships and have probably even been misleading at times. For me this has been an exciting journey (discovering bdsm and my own submission) but it's also been quite a confusing one. There have been times when I have questioned my own submission and there have also been times when I have fallen for someone and have felt extremely enthusiased about meeting in person, or about moving forward with a relationship only to back out when I see the reality of it. I am presently with a Master that I met here, on CM, he has been so patient, but at the same time he does not take my bs, he is very to the point and has made me realize a lot about myself which I had not realized before. We are working together on getting me to a certain comfort level where i can finally just let go of my fears to lose control and where I can trust him enough and trust myself enough to do so. I surely don't consider myself a player or a wannabe....I am honest about my feelings but sometimes I just don't understand my own emotions. Sometimes I get overwhelmed or just confused. It's true that there are many who just see this lifestyle as a game, or a quick thrill type thing, in my case however I take it very seriously and see it as the only way of loving someone else, and as a lifestyle. Anyhow, I understand your frustration, I've also been on the receiving end of that frustration and know what it feels like but I think our instincts about people are usually right from the start. Good luck in your search.

happypervert -> RE: Frustration (12/14/2004 1:21:32 PM)
quote: there have also been times when I have fallen for someone and have felt extremely enthusiased about meeting in person, or about moving forward with a relationship only to back out when I see the reality of it. All your comments were enlightening and and refreshingly honest, dally. I'm wondering if you could clarify this one -- what sort of reality didn't you see when you were extremely enthused that would lead you to eventually back out?

dally -> RE: Frustration (12/14/2004 2:50:38 PM)
thank you happypervert for your comments. As far as your question, i i think a lot of has to do with self doubt more than anything else. I will have in my mind all these wonderful thoughts about a certain dom, i will be very excited about our relationship, then when things begin to take a turn into reality, as in, either him wanting to move together, or just simply taking a bigger step into formalizing a relationship i will then back out of it. Not consciously, but I will push him away without even realizing it myself. I have just now, these past few days as a matter of fact realized this about myself. I don't know why i do that, but i do. I am currently involved with a Master that as i mentioned in my last post, i am head over heels for, and yet I find myself doing the same thing to him. Another thing which i have noticed is that i will push and push a man, wether its a dom or even my ex husband which was vanilla, i would just subconciously push them away, most have given in, and either left me or have become whiny and even submissive, and i end up resenting them for it....maybe none of this makes sense, but this Master hasn't shown any weakness, or what i consider weakness at least, and i have grown so attached to him because of that same thing....i am off the subject here, i know, but it just so happens a little while ago i did a very stupid thing, or rather, i said a very stupid thing which made him feel like i was questioning him and therefore calling him a liar.....i know it was wrong of me, he is now upset and isn't returning my calls...which i can understand....but i am so angry with myself, and i know i am pushing him away further and further with my doubts and fears and all that, i wish i could be more trusting and just go with the flow, but i always end up questioning everything, worrying about everything, and doubting even myself, wether i can really be a good slave, if i will be able to fulfill him, if he will end up hurting me, is he just playing me? all these questions run through my head and i wish they wouldn't! ok, sorry for my rant here but hey i am feeling like crap right now and need to vent or i'll explode. I am sure I am submissive, It turns me on in every possible way, i totally "get it" when it comes to BDSM and TPE relationships, I know that is the type of man that can make me happy, yet I am always filled with doubts and questioning everything....ugh! Now i have probably lost the one man that really seemed to be in tune with me and with what i was looking for. [:(]

happypervert -> RE: Frustration (12/14/2004 7:46:00 PM)
wow. Thanks for explaining that, dally. Though you're feeling understandably frustrated right now with possibly having chased away your dom, at least you've come to understand that aspect of yourself; I bet a lot of folks with that same trait never do. Perhaps in the future you'll be able to explain it when you're sincerely interested in a guy so that if the "dark side" pops out he'll be able to account for that. There have been occasions where I wondered if I may have been with a gal who was unconsciously trying to derail a relationship. It can be really confusing trying to sort out the conflicting signals of "yes I want to be with you" and others that tell me exactly the opposite. Eventually I'd get the feeling that I had been beating my head against the wall in trying to develop a relationship and that it was hopeless, and once that happens I'm done with it. So let's hope your dom isn't at that point yet.

kyakitten -> RE: Frustration (12/14/2004 10:06:32 PM)
Hey dally, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. I hope that before long your Dom cools down and remembers that you've been steadfastly trusting and growing to meet him, and that your sabotage is just coming from an old bad habit that you haven't quite conquered yet.

inadazey -> RE: Frustration (12/14/2004 10:38:50 PM)
dally... I'm so sorry for what you're going through. :( Your post really touched my heart. I hope you're able to talk things through with your Master, and let him know what's been going on in your head. I really hope it works out for you!!! Sometimes, for me, it's easier to express things to my Master in an e-mail or e-card, since I've never been very good at talking about my feelings (although he's helped me immensely to do so). These websites have some good cards, in case you're interested: http://www.ds-rewards.com/sendcard/ (lets you add music, etc) and http://www.discreetgreetings.com/galleries/gallery.jsp?gallery_id=2 ((((hugs)))) ~daisy~ ETA.. maybe even send him a link to your post?

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