Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

I dont understand, how does one move on, and does all this come naturally should i not need help


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> I dont understand, how does one move on, and does all this come naturally should i not need help Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
I dont understand, how does one move on, and does all t... - 6/28/2006 6:50:19 AM   
lostandlearning


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		It is taking a lot of courage  for me to post this that normally i dont like placing myself out there but i am confused and hurting. A few months back i met this man who i only talked to as a friend as first and things developed  feelings  strongs ones and we discussed trying to build a relationship him taking me as his slave. That he wished to teach me and that i wished to learn. I understand that some dont feel good about online relationships and that is what it was but it was in hopes that if things went well we move further on past the computer. For the first time ever i let myself go even though i knew i risked rather hurt feeling i gave him my trust which for me is hard opened myself up to him and tryed so hard. At one point we came to a difference because i had trouble completly letting go giving myself to him because of issues with my family and their approval i went out on a limb actually diminished my relationship some with my family to show him that i was commitied that this was no game to me. He released me at first i was ignored but he came round and we talked and finally when i said maybe i should just giveup on him that it would not be the same i would only bemore unsure of myself and my actions he then talked to me talked to me and took me back. Then last night he asked if there was anything i was unsure uncertain about and i asked him something and we worked through it together. He had me write my thoughts down why he went on an errand when he came back he was so quiet and at one point he sent me to bed.  At one point last night he said he felt like he has to explain to much to me. I thought a dom is to help their sub/slave along help them learn and teach them. When i woke early this morning to speak to him i found that after i lef tlast night he left a message saying he cant do this anymore hes taken me as far as he can and that i should jsut move on. Other than the last time he released me i have never felt so hurt. I feel so unsure now what to do how to move on. i have nver felt more right and happy with myself untill i met him and to hear his praises felt so good. How does one move on from such? Is it wrong of me to need guidance through all of this, should all of it come naturally to me? I feel like my heart was ripped out and ground into the ground. i thought he was the one that out of everyone i talked to and met here because i did have a previous profile here that he was the onl person that i seemed to connect to and it for the first time ever i felt comfortable with myself and happy with what i was doing. Part of me say s just to give up to not risk such hurt again, part of me wants him to take me back so bad but would it only happen again like it has before, and another part of me wants to find another that i feel like this is something i need so bad. I just was hoping to hear some others thoughts, hoping perhaps to hear what others think will help me through this some, i know that i wont get all the answers i seek but anything right now that would help would be greatly appreciated. thank you and please i have seen that sometimes people get a little rough in replie please take it easy on me especially if your going to go on about online relationships at this point i dont think that is what is relevant to what i am asking.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: I dont understand, how does one move on, and does a... - 6/28/2006 7:07:05 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Unfortunately you've just become another poster girl for WHY so many people say not to get into cyber situation, and why *I* say not to get into any commitments for at least six months.

Time and perspective will help you heal.  Take responsibility for your mistakes, convince yourself that you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy with yourself (or else you wouldn't have compromised things that you felt strongly about in order to keep the relationship).

People in healthy relationships help eachother.  You were too caught up in having someone that you completely ignored the very clear signs that he wasn't a good person for a relationship with you.

The good news is that you're now free and able to get things going in the right direction on your own now.  Don't get into another online based relationship and don't make any commitments for at least 6 months.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to lostandlearning)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: I dont understand, how does one move on, and does a... - 6/28/2006 7:16:00 AM   
lostandlearning


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		thank you for your reply LuckyAlbatross i do appreciate it

I can see how  i should not have used a relationship to feel happy with myself. That perhaps that first i should work at becoming comfortable with myself and who i am. It is not easy no but perhaps if i had in the first place it would have saved me what i am going through with now.

Once more thank you, you know when i posted this you are the one person i thought might reply.

*sigh* got to watch typos im horrible when it comes to such

< Message edited by lostandlearning -- 6/28/2006 7:17:29 AM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: I dont understand, how does one move on, and does a... - 6/28/2006 9:34:44 AM   
Sabella


Posts: 265
Joined: 7/26/2005
Status: offline 		I certainly don't blame you at all for feeling hurt and betrayed - because you were. Was he being lazy by wanting a ready-made paper doll sub? yes. Was he being dishonest to HIMSELF first of all? yes. Unfortunately your feelings were secondary. Luckily however, you got out (even tho you didn't desire it) without months or years of mutual dissatisfaction. Relationships take WORK, and they aren't built by those short times between the sheets either - they are built up, nourished and maintained by the communication and sharing. The fantasy of it sounds delicious but it takes maturity and honesty to maintain the mechanics of it in the meantime.

One thing that did catch my eye tho - your comment on lessening your contact with your family to "prove" yourself to him. This is not a good thing, IMHO. Isolating a person from their friends and family should never be a requirement in any healthy relationship - kinky or no. Now if he was wanting to wean you away from abusive family members (he had your care in mind) that is another thing all together - but it doesn't sound like this is what he was after.

I don't think that withholding support is a very intelligent way to build a relationship, it smacks of selfishness to me. So honestly based off the information you gave it sounds to me like you've had an experience with a dud. Chalk it up to experience and move on, you will find a better match :)




_____________________________

“The giant Grof was hit in one eye by a stone,
and that eye turned inward so that it looked into his mind and he died of what he saw there.”
From The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip

(in reply to lostandlearning)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: I dont understand, how does one move on, and does a... - 6/28/2006 9:48:15 AM   
lanwolf


Posts: 78
Joined: 10/31/2005
Status: offline 		It is a hard thing but as has been mentioned here time will heal all wounds just it feels like its taking forever. i recently was put in a situation that i felt i had no choice but to ask for release or continue to be unhappy and watch as my financial situation got worse. i was with this Person for a little over 2 years living togther and even was engaged to her so turning over control of the money situation did not seem like a bad thing to do after all were soon to be married. i have since learned my leason and things will be differant the next time around. One thing i try to do when leaving a relationship is to try and look back on positive things that happened and helped you grow so your better for the next One that takes you on.
  Have you learned about your submision, were any limits tested, do you feel that you are more experianced in an area and can offer more the next time your with One. Hopefully there are a few yes answers. One important thing though is to take the time to heal before moving on. A BDSM relationship (at least to me) seems to take a long time to heal after it ends maybe its due to the trust levels we have to go to inorder to make them work. Either way dont rush into another relationship untill you are sure you are over the pain from this one. Take your time learn and grow and without even looking you will find One for you, or so i am told.

(in reply to Sabella)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: I dont understand, how does one move on, and does a... - 6/28/2006 10:04:26 AM   
lostandlearning


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		thank you both Sabella and lanwolf for your replies i appreciate them
in regards to what you said lanwolf i do not regret meeting him because he had help me a good bit and that i am more comfortable with myself and my feelings than i was before and that i do not wish to never have meant him the time we were together he helped me and i feel more sure of myself and my interests on many levels which i think is one reason it hurts so much to see him go

(in reply to lanwolf)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: I dont understand, how does one move on, and does a... - 6/28/2006 6:06:28 PM   
darkunicorn04


Posts: 1
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		Lostandlearning:
I just wanted to mention a couple of thoughts that I had about your situation. I realize that when you find a Master/Dom, it is so nice to have someone over you and you want to do anything to keep that. The suggestion that I have is that you also take the inicitive and find out information on your own. For example, read books about the lifestyle or the actions/behaviors you are intersted in. Don't rely on your Dom completely for all your learning if he doesn't want to provide that much to you. It can place a lot on Him to provide for your every need. You should be able to care for yourself a little, you know. You can use the situation to learn what you want and what is your ideal Master. It is all about finding the right fit. So, with that said, look forward and not back. Remember what you have learned and make use of it in the future. Good luck.
 
Felix

(in reply to lostandlearning)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: I dont understand, how does one move on, and does a... - 6/28/2006 8:19:09 PM   
Evanesce


Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I don't think that withholding support is a very intelligent way to build a relationship, it smacks of selfishness to me. So honestly based off the information you gave it sounds to me like you've had an experience with a dud. Chalk it up to experience and move on, you will find a better match :)


There was nothing in the OP that would indicate the "dominant" in question was selfish, lazy, a dud, or any of the other accusations that have been slung his way.  What I read was a statement that there was a relationship, of sorts.  It wasn't the best of relationships, because it seemed to run hot and cold for a time.  It also never went any further than pixels on a computer screen.  For whatever reason, the "dominant" determined that the relationship no longer worked for him, and he ended it in the same manner in which it began - on the Internet.  Granted, he could have at least done it via IM, rather than email, but he didn't.  Life goes on, and it took two people to make that relationship fall apart - not just one dominant.
 
OP, what you need to do now is really take an objective look at the relationship that just ended.  Did you really get as much out of it as you claim you did?  Given that he had released you in the past, was it really as good as you say it was?  What did you put into it yourself?  You said he made a statement about having to explain too much to you.  Is it because you questioned everything he said?  If you did, it's extremely tiresome to a dominant who feels he or she must always defend their choices and decisions.  What role did you play in the downfall of the relationship?  If you don't know, how can you assure yourself you won't make the same mistakes next time?
 
Yes, it hurts now, but that will pass, and when you again find yourself contemplating a relationship... PLEASE make it a real-life, face-to-face one.  And take your time!  Make sure you know what you want, first.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich


(in reply to Sabella)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: I dont understand, how does one move on, and does a... - 6/28/2006 10:24:51 PM   
cutew


Posts: 15
Joined: 11/4/2005
Status: offline 		lostandlearning,
   I am sorry to hear of your hurt and more so the confusion!   I personally have heard many bad stories about online relationships, yet I guess I am one of the lucky ones!  My first Master I was with 7 years, and it was online, although he did make sure I had real life as well.  (Long story and besides the point).
     I am who I am, YET I don't believe that I would have accepted it, if it where not for him!  He taught me many things, the simple one of how to trust a male again.  Yes, I had many issues that he stood by me, and got me through them, too!  He released me, because it was what I needed! I needed what he couldn't give me any more, to be with my One...He also knew I would be safe, in all area's with the one he released me to!  The point is he was a Dom, and both of us in strange situations, and it worked for us. 
   The guy you were with, I can't pass judgement on really, but warning signs, such as you limiting contact with family members, are dangerous ones!  I can understand if they were abusive, but it shouldn't be to prove to any one your level of devotion to a relationship!  Something like that should come ONLY because of your desire to overcome the negative that abusive people place on you!  IF a person you care for, requests or expects you to limit contact with family members, to prove yourself to them, PLEASE think twice...if it is for your own good, than there maybe something there, YET, if it isn't for your own good, personally I believe this to be VERY dangerous behaviour from the other person...and I would run.  (Some of my family members can be abusive or have been, yet BOTH Masters I have had, only supported me, helping me through it, NEVER requested I limit contact or even suggest it...warned/taught me to deal with it, and not believe it)
   As with any vanilla relationship, time will heal the hurt.  In the mean time, read, talk, chat, not truly for the intent of finding your One, but for finding yourself.  Knowing what you want, trusting yourself, and belief in yourself are powerful things, and some times hard to come by...the love of ones close helps, but in the end, it comes down to you.  My opinion is there is nothing wrong with being submissive/slave/bottom, (which ever you pick for yourself), but I do also believe that it doesn't mean doormat ;-)! 
  YOU deserve happiness, we all do, find yourself, learn what you can, and then find your One to share who you are with.  There are many great sites on the net even for reading, to learn, explore and find yourself with. 
   I nor any one else can tell you what to do, but I would give up on this guy...IF he could treat you so coldly, he isn't looking out for your best interests.  To me Master is there for many reason, but in the end, we share many kinky interests physically, but even in my daily life, he has helped me overcome issues, he cares for the whole package, and to him it is part of his responsiblity to me, help me learn, grow, and all that other good stuff.  I use it when I need, advice from a friend, it could be called too!
    

(in reply to lostandlearning)
Profile   Post #: 9
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive >> I dont understand, how does one move on, and does all this come naturally should i not need help Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094