Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom dynamics.


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom dynamics. Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom dyna... - 7/18/2013 4:26:01 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Theres an effect I've noticed in a lot of my relationships that I'll call the "sooky effect"... where, my partner's ability to cope with outside stresses or disappointments degrades, or perhaps emotions are brought out easier after a while... The result being...! They turn into little sooks!

I think it may actually be a side effect of a variety of things, but after reading some of the posts in the littles thread, I've just began to see it as possibly a type of emotional regression.

My relationships are a typical male led deal, where (to use a metaphor) I'll be behind the wheel and my partner will be in the passenger seat, most decisions about where the relationship is going will come through me, and I will have the deciding say on things like, if we are going out/staying in, what we do etc... I tend to keep my partner close and have a big say in what they do...
Their are pitfalls to negotiate in this style of relationship involving being aware of her wants/needs but I wont go into detail, as it's pretty common sense stuff and not really what I want to talk about.

What I've come to think is that my style of relationship tends to put my partner (unintentionally) into a sort of childlike role:

-They have to abide by the will of another who judges the merits of their wants/needs, and sometimes their desire to do something takes a backseat to the objectives of the other, This seems to have parallels to a childlike type of existence, and taking the 'passenger seat' may possibly promote a regressive type of effect, perhaps due to having less control or less worries.

- Breaking down barriers... With a partner I try and break down barriers, everyone has them even if they don't really see them as barriers. I don't want them between me and a partner, there are emotional barriers which guard at the expense of openness, trust barriers, comfort barriers, personal physical barriers, which all propagate limits.

I think this is another factor contributing to a type of emotional regression, with the barriers of all shapes and sizes really just being a product of growing as a person and being changed by experience, I think the barriers we erect are a big part of an adult personality with adult reactions.

Whatever the case I turn my partners into Sooks!

These are just some thoughts on the possible things at work within D/s and the emotional things that might be going on in some cases. The littles thread got me a-ponderin.

I'd be interesting in getting the thoughts of people in D/s, big/little types of relationships about my pondering, and even more interested in peoples own thoughts on emotional regression in general. Causes, effects, etc...

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 7/18/2013 4:29:37 AM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 5:06:06 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		I feel like I should be able to figure this out from context but... what on earth is a Sook?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 5:12:48 AM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Didn't realise it was only in aust...

SOOK:
Australian slang term used to indicate another person is soft or easily upset...

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 5:18:52 AM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		I find a strong M/s relationship, for me, makes me a "sook" only for my owner. Im actually stronger in regards to others as a result.

_____________________________

Telling me to take Midol wont help your butthurt.
RIP, my demon-child 5-16-11
Duchess of Dissent 1
Dont judge me because I sin differently than you.
If you want it sugar coated, dont ask me what i think! It would violate TOS.

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 5:24:56 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		Ah, ok!

For me, I am very 'soft' when I am round my husband. I do cry easily. I do worry about things. I can be like this with him because I love, trust and know him so very much. It is safe to express these vulnerable parts of me. It is reassuring to have someone 'in the driving seat' who knows me well and can be trusted to make good decisions.

BUT I wouldn't say that he has made me a wimpier person. Outside of our home I am tough. I can handle confrontation and stand up for myself, I take (calculated) risks, I am ambitious. I feel that people who know me see me as strong and capable. I went through post-natal depression, and no one but my husband knows, because I held it together. I am able to be strong me, because I have an outlet for my insecurities and my emotions. If he died, I would cope on my own. I'd be devastated, of course, but I know I could be strong enough to get through it.

I am a stronger person because of him. Because I'm allowed that space to deal with my emotions, even the less-than-logical soft ones, because I have his back-up, because I don't have to deal with everything on my own. I can come home and cry my heart out over something that's worrying me while he holds me, and then go back into the world filled-up and ready to take on anything.

So yep, I'm probably much softer with him than I was, but overall, I'm a stronger and better version of me because of it.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 7:38:59 AM   
OttersSwim


Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
Status: offline 		Yea I would agree, there is a level of emotional vulnerability that I have for her that I don't have for other people/situations. The level of "distress" I can and do feel if she is grumpy or upset at the world - even more if she is upset at me...

What I think people need to try to avoid if possible is "codependency". We try to have a relationship that is "interdependent" rather than allowing things to slip into a "codependent" level. How I describe it is the ability to give my power over to another person without losing myself - specifically my self-esteem or self-worth. And not basing my self-esteem or self-worth on my relationship with that other person.

It is a fine line and not easy to walk and requires discernment and effort from both sides of the kneel to keep both partners emotionally linked, but still separate and "intact".

It is why I am leery of taking on a slave relationship because it would be very easy for me to lose myself. "How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?"


_____________________________

I am on a journey of authenticity and self.

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 8:08:14 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you take something away, do not expect them to maintain that skill set when they go without practicing it for years.

The Man believes he should always be behind the wheel. I don't think I've driven a car in over two months. Yet every so often he decides I should go someplace and pick something up for him. Sorry, if you've made it uncomfortable for me to even get to a grocery store two miles away, do not expect me to want to go fifty miles for you. Or be able to cope with highway driving when I haven't done it in over five years.

Emotionally, if you set up a relationship dynamic that includes emotional vulnerability, expect to see the emotions that she usually would keep hidden.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 7/18/2013 8:09:55 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to OttersSwim)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 9:42:11 AM   
SwitchNSpanky


Posts: 418
Joined: 5/28/2013
Status: offline 		I have seen the emotional regression your describing bro. I also noted some empowerment of my subs in the outside world. Trying to analyze the two phenomena and then figure out a way to describe it adequately here. So. Great post. Great topic and I shall return.

_____________________________

I am a lover AND a fighter...

(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 10:04:19 AM   
SinFix


Posts: 866
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		I wouldn't say that it makes me soft, it just frees up my energy to apply into the relationship in other ways...

(in reply to SwitchNSpanky)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 10:07:18 AM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I'm with Athena. I'm a strict domme, my slaves would tell you but around Hubs, I'm all sweet.
Unless we're plotting together, then we are evil.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to SinFix)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 1:37:50 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		I was a lot more emotional around my Sir, but that doesn't really say a whole lot. I'm not the most emotional person in the world - but he could bring me to tears just by telling me that he loved me.

and now, my sweetie does the same thing. Love seems to have something to do with it for me. Maybe it brings my emotions to the surface more easily.

(in reply to TNDommeK)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/18/2013 7:43:56 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SinFix

I wouldn't say that it makes me soft, it just frees up my energy to apply into the relationship in other ways...


This. I don't, nor do I think Master, considers me soft. I don't really go into that regressive emotional pattern that you describe. I don't even think as a child I did since I have always had to be an adult even when young. I think Master likes that I am responsible and I don't regress emotionally. There are times I wish I was like that but it's just not me and never has been.

That's not to say I don't get emotional at times. I do just like any other human being on the planet, but I can't say I've ever felt put into some kind of regressive state.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to SinFix)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/19/2013 7:41:11 AM   
SwitchNSpanky


Posts: 418
Joined: 5/28/2013
Status: offline 		I do see a tendency for Subs to become more childlike / dependent on their Top simply because the dynamic calls for that. And when it works well for the couple people become comfortable in their roles.

But looking back all my subs got more socially assertive during our relationship. That might not be a feature of BDSM tho. It could be due more to my personality causing growth just as two people always improve one another in a healthy relationship. Same as one sub tought me to take time to smell the roses in life...

_____________________________

I am a lover AND a fighter...

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/19/2013 11:18:44 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Way to complicated a dynamic to discuss in a couple paragraphs. But suffice to say that I think the OP is confusing sook as he refers to it as. With the natural progression of a relationship. The walls that we all have start to crumble as we allow our partner to see more of us. We "allow" the other person to see our faults, vulnerabilities, chinks in our Armour . Kind of like peeling a onion as we get deeper into it more is revealed.

So more "childlike" not so much.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to SwitchNSpanky)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/20/2013 6:15:28 AM   
MrRodgers


Posts: 10542
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline 		Well this is yet another topic of discussion that applies in life, meaning even in vanilla relationships. The longer and more deeply emotions are revealed the more potential for exposure, truth and even regression.

(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/21/2013 7:15:49 AM   
Miyani


Posts: 248
Joined: 12/4/2007
Status: offline 		My little boy is very soft when he's little, and we're alone together. The rest of the time, though, having that outlet and safe space allows him to be stronger and more centered in other areas of his life, including other areas of his relationship with me. The stress of not having that outlet before caused him to "break" a little more easily, and situations more often became overwhelming to him. I'm sure that your experience is a common one, and I consider myself lucky to have found the opposite.

I will say that as his submission has gotten deeper, he has been able to be more open with me - to share worries and concerns, and honestly express emotion. But that's a side effect of intimacy, and he's not expressing anything that wasn't there to begin with.

(in reply to MrRodgers)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/21/2013 6:49:34 PM   
ARIES83


Posts: 3648
Status: offline 		Tazzy & Athena,
I think the vulnerability you two have described toward your partner would be a natural result of becoming closer and more open to someone, loving them and needing them to love you back etc... But what I have noticed when I talk about "the sooky effect" isn't just that... It's more along the lines of Desfip's post... A change in them and how they handle things, outside the relationship.
That's if I read her post right...

quote:

Desfip:
If you take something away, do not expect them to maintain that skill set when they go without practicing it for years.

The Man believes he should always be behind the wheel. I don't think I've driven a car in over two months. Yet every so often he decides I should go someplace and pick something up for him. Sorry, if you've made it uncomfortable for me to even get to a grocery store two miles away, do not expect me to want to go fifty miles for you. Or be able to cope with highway driving when I haven't done it in over five years.

Emotionally, if you set up a relationship dynamic that includes emotional vulnerability, expect to see the emotions that she usually would keep hidden.

Desfip,
Do you relate to the type of thing described by Athena and Tazzy where you only become more vulnerable to your "Man" however those changes don't really apply to anything outside of your relationship?

For you, are there more examples that you can think of along the same lines as the parts I've bolded, where you have lost the skill or comfort level to handle something due to you not needing to do 'it', or because of some change since you have been in your relationship?

quote:

OttersSwim:
It is why I am leery of taking on a slave relationship because it would be very easy for me to lose myself. "How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go?"

OttersSwim,
I'd say to a lot of people, the idea of losing themselves in the way you describe would be a frightening notion, however it does seem to me to signify the ultimate form of giving up control.

quote:

SinFix:
I wouldn't say that it makes me soft, it just frees up my energy to apply into the relationship in other ways...

SinFix,
I'm not sure I understand, can you explain it differently?

quote:

SailingBum:
Way to complicated a dynamic to discuss in a couple paragraphs. But suffice to say that I think the OP is confusing sook as he refers to it as. With the natural progression of a relationship. The walls that we all have start to crumble as we allow our partner to see more of us. We "allow" the other person to see our faults, vulnerabilities, chinks in our Armour.

SailingBum,
I'd be interested in reading the dynamic described in your words, no need for brevity here. Take as many paragraphs as you want!

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 7/21/2013 7:14:57 PM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to Miyani)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/22/2013 5:36:17 PM   
NuevaVida


Posts: 6707
Joined: 8/5/2008
Status: offline 		Interesting take on it. The Mister is my Daddy, but I haven't become "sooky", as you put it. I don't see emotional regression here. If anything, I've become even more aware of my thoughts, feelings, reactions, etc., than ever before. I challenge him if I disagree. I accept his final word - whether I agree or not - fully accepting it and aware of how I feel about it.

I wouldn't say I have more or less worries. My worries are all mine - I can choose to have them or not. Usually I choose not to, but then I wasn't all that worried about things before we met, either.

There aren't many barriers that I keep. The few I have we have together worked on removing. Mostly though, because we both feel neither of us should have barriers between each other. He's removed a few of his own, too.

That said, he's my Daddy but I'm not a "little." Oh sure once in awhile the little girl in me comes out but it's pretty rare. For the most part I'm pretty damn vocal in this relationship, and he expects me to keep that part of my personality. I defer to him, but I don't lose my opinion, thoughts and feelings in the process.

I can understand where you're coming from in your post, though - I just don't relate to it applying to me. I don't think he'd want that, either.

_____________________________

Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.



(in reply to ARIES83)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom ... - 7/22/2013 6:58:54 PM   
Anatolium


Posts: 32
Joined: 7/22/2013
Status: offline 		Googling for what a "sook" is, I find:
Urban Dictionary: A cry baby
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sook

Webster: A call to cows.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/sook

Infoplease: Both of the above.
http://dictionary.infoplease.com/sook

(in reply to NuevaVida)
Profile   Post #: 19
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Emotional regression, effected by D/s and DaddyDom dynamics. Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078