Trying to let go

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Soulbinder -> Trying to let go (7/23/2013 6:15:08 PM)
I've had my sub under consideration now since February and by this time I know that I need to release him from my service but I'm finding it very very hard. I'll give a little background... When we first met on here he didn't meet a lot of my requirements (over my age limit, did not live locally) so I told him I needed to pass but we stayed friends. Our connection actually grew until I knew I wanted to be his Domme and so we met up a month after getting in touch here. Right after that I put him under consideration. [For the record, btw, this is D/s-only. I have a romantic partner who is fully aware and accepting of my long-standing kink, but wishes to be completely left out of it and not know the details. Fair enough; that's what we negotiated and agreed upon] Now when we met he had been in a car accident just before the New year which required him to buy another car. And he bought a very pricey car. My sub makes good money, however he's also got expensive tastes (expensive car, expensive Hollywood apartment, all-organic diet, etc.). He put down an insane amount of money on the car and was making huge initial payments for the first 5 months which left him pretty broke until those reduced in mid-May. I dealt with his rough financial situation and our visits were always low-key but fun. And I even picked up the tab sometimes (not what my sub wanted but he wasn't really in a place to object, either. I told him he could spoil me when his car payments went down again in May and he relented). Well, past forward to mid-April. He moved out of his apartment in an effort to save money. He was paying something like $2k/month, so I understand. So he goes and stays with this "friend" who had previously stayed with him. This chick is CRAZY and not in any kind of good way. When she stayed with him before she made a lot of sexual advances, which he eventually gave into. Normal enough, men do that sometimes. However, when it became clear that they weren't compatible for a relationship and he wanted the sexual stuff to stop, told her to stop, she wouldn't stop. It got pretty tense until she finally moved out (curiously, right around the time we met here). So great, my sub is now staying with this batshit crazy lovestruck woman who loves to snoop and somehow considers herself "my rival" (and no, things are not sexual with them). I want---no NEED---him to have his own place because A)I'm tired of dealing with associated drama from this woman and B) the kind of sub I desire has the trappings of an adult life, i.e. car/job/lives alone. However, he is being extremely picky and it's now been 3 months that he has been essentially homeless and living rent free with this woman. We went from March to June without seeing eachother at all, because he said he would find a place by June, to now having seen eachother twice briefly this summer, and he STILL is being picky about finding a place (wants something "perfect"). When we have seen eachother, it hasn't always gone very well at all. I'll add to this that I found out a few months into the consideration phase that his drug usage is not simply "a little pot", which he had led me to believe but is actually smoking pot every day and sometimes includes things like mushrooms and LSD. I am really not cool with that in my partners and have expressed it as such. If we were seeing eachother regularly in the Spring, I would have dealt with this then but not having really seen eachother frequently, I've felt like we've been in limbo. So long story short, I don't think we're compatible for long-term D/s and I want to release him soon. I've been having a hard time with it because, despite my many misgivings I still really care about the guy. Maybe we'll stay friends, maybe not. Have any of you known you needed to release a sub but had a really hard time with it? -Soulbinder p.s. If there are any details missing, please just ask and I will answer what I can.

DarkSteven -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 6:34:33 PM)
You have no control over this guy whatsoever. He is not your sub. So try to gain control. Sit down with him. Explain the things that will have to change - he needs to move out, give you veto power over any purchases over $200, and quit the drugs. Also, you are doing a lot of guessing - he needs to be up front about things. Anything else he needs to change for you to be happy with him? Work out a timetable with him for then these things need to happen. If they do not happen, cut the ties.

Killerangel -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 6:34:41 PM)
What is it exactly that you're getting out of being with him besides a lot of drama, and compromise on things that are important to you? Let the guy go and walk away, sounds like way too much trouble to deal with - trouble that won't ever get better. I'm betting he's the type that just substitutes one brand of drama for another otherwise why wouldn't he be trying harder to get things done with and onto a better path?

SimplyMichael -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 6:44:12 PM)
If ya date crazy, look in the mirror for the real problem.

kalikshama -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 6:49:06 PM)
He's demonstrating a pattern of his actions not matching his words. Walk away. Eta - Now.

Kana -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 6:57:58 PM)
I don't just burn bridges, I nuke em. That way neither party is tempted to try and cross em again. Fuck, sack up, tell him what's wrong, then show him the door. And don't deviate from your decision once it's made. And to answer your exact question-sure it's rough. I don't get involved with people unless I like em and they're good folk.It sucks hurting good people. But you'll do a lot more harm in the long run if you don't, to him and yourself. Some people tear band-aids off reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal slooooooooooooooooooooooooooow, which only draws out the pain. Me-I'm a quick yank guy. Then I can go about the more important business of living my life. Be up front. You owe that to him and you. Firm but fair, the only way to go

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 7:01:48 PM)
Please ask yourself this question: Is it the person he is right now today (living with a crazy person and doing drugs) that you care about, or his potential? You can't change him, so if you're not okay with who he is now, you have to cut him loose. Of course it's hard, all relationship endings are hard. It's best to make a firm break. So sit him down, tell him the whys and wherefores and then let him go. You will save yourself so much heartache in the long run, and you know this. You deserve a wonderful person, and he clearly isn't it.

DarkSteven -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 7:01:58 PM)
Also... the story about how he shacked up with some woman for financial reasons only and she was a nymphomaniac fiend who kept making passes at the poor innocent guy until he finally broke down sobbing and gave in... can I sell you a bridge?

kalikshama -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 7:17:02 PM)
/snort/

littlewonder -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 7:17:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Also... the story about how he shacked up with some woman for financial reasons only and she was a nymphomaniac fiend who kept making passes at the poor innocent guy until he finally broke down sobbing and gave in... can I sell you a bridge? This. The dude is lying to you. He isn't looking for a new place. He's shacking up with her and having fun fucking and drugging. You're just something he does when he's not getting a little something something. He's just trying to avoid you until he needs you again for his fix.

seekingreality -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 10:08:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Soulbinder So long story short, I don't think we're compatible for long-term D/s and I want to release him soon. I've been having a hard time with it because, despite my many misgivings I still really care about the guy. Maybe we'll stay friends, maybe not. Have any of you known you needed to release a sub but had a really hard time with it? My guess you are having trouble kicking him to the curb because you are addicted to drama and for some crazy reason you get off on the train wreck. My advice is to break things off totally; never talk to him again; and go to counseling to try to figure out why you allowed this mess into your life and stayed with it long after most people would have left without a glance backwards.

Rochsub2009 -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 10:37:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt Please ask yourself this question: Is it the person he is right now today (living with a crazy person and doing drugs) that you care about, or his potential? You can't change him, so if you're not okay with who he is now, you have to cut him loose. This. I hate to make stereotypical statements, but sometimes women have a bad habit of trying to fix men. The problem is, it's very difficult to "fix" an adult. He is what he is. You either accept that, or you move on. But expecting him to become the perfect sub, who doesn't take drugs, make poor financial decisions, or have sex with his "roommate", is just silly. Move on. There's nothing to salvage. Besides, it sounds like he's only been "under consideration" all this time. He's not even your sub. So what's the problem? Get on with your life, and get rid of the drama.

Toysinbabeland -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 10:44:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Soulbinder I've had my sub under consideration now since February and by this time I know that I need to release him from my service but I'm finding it very very hard. I'll give a little background... When we first met on here he didn't meet a lot of my requirements (over my age limit, did not live locally) so I told him I needed to pass but we stayed friends. Our connection actually grew until I knew I wanted to be his Domme and so we met up a month after getting in touch here. Right after that I put him under consideration. [For the record, btw, this is D/s-only. I have a romantic partner who is fully aware and accepting of my long-standing kink, but wishes to be completely left out of it and not know the details. Fair enough; that's what we negotiated and agreed upon] Now when we met he had been in a car accident just before the New year which required him to buy another car. And he bought a very pricey car. My sub makes good money, however he's also got expensive tastes (expensive car, expensive Hollywood apartment, all-organic diet, etc.). He put down an insane amount of money on the car and was making huge initial payments for the first 5 months which left him pretty broke until those reduced in mid-May. I dealt with his rough financial situation and our visits were always low-key but fun. And I even picked up the tab sometimes (not what my sub wanted but he wasn't really in a place to object, either. I told him he could spoil me when his car payments went down again in May and he relented). Well, past forward to mid-April. He moved out of his apartment in an effort to save money. He was paying something like $2k/month, so I understand. So he goes and stays with this "friend" who had previously stayed with him. This chick is CRAZY and not in any kind of good way. When she stayed with him before she made a lot of sexual advances, which he eventually gave into. Normal enough, men do that sometimes. However, when it became clear that they weren't compatible for a relationship and he wanted the sexual stuff to stop, told her to stop, she wouldn't stop. It got pretty tense until she finally moved out (curiously, right around the time we met here). So great, my sub is now staying with this batshit crazy lovestruck woman who loves to snoop and somehow considers herself "my rival" (and no, things are not sexual with them). I want---no NEED---him to have his own place because A)I'm tired of dealing with associated drama from this woman and B) the kind of sub I desire has the trappings of an adult life, i.e. car/job/lives alone. However, he is being extremely picky and it's now been 3 months that he has been essentially homeless and living rent free with this woman. We went from March to June without seeing eachother at all, because he said he would find a place by June, to now having seen eachother twice briefly this summer, and he STILL is being picky about finding a place (wants something "perfect"). When we have seen eachother, it hasn't always gone very well at all. I'll add to this that I found out a few months into the consideration phase that his drug usage is not simply "a little pot", which he had led me to believe but is actually smoking pot every day and sometimes includes things like mushrooms and LSD. I am really not cool with that in my partners and have expressed it as such. If we were seeing eachother regularly in the Spring, I would have dealt with this then but not having really seen eachother frequently, I've felt like we've been in limbo. So long story short, I don't think we're compatible for long-term D/s and I want to release him soon. I've been having a hard time with it because, despite my many misgivings I still really care about the guy. Maybe we'll stay friends, maybe not. Have any of you known you needed to release a sub but had a really hard time with it? -Soulbinder p.s. If there are any details missing, please just ask and I will answer what I can. So, wait, he has money for pot and drugs but he can't pick up the tab? Good one.

LadyPact -> RE: Trying to let go (7/23/2013 10:45:11 PM)
OP, the posters above did an excellent job. After you've read all of the replies up to this point, go back and read them again until they sink in.

Whiplashsmile4 -> RE: Trying to let go (7/24/2013 9:24:19 AM)
Soulbinder, It's a bitch when you sincerely care about somebody like this, yet they are making all the worse choices in the world. Sooner or later there comes a breaking point. I wish there was some wise advice I could give to ease the emotional part of you which is involved.

SailingBum -> RE: Trying to let go (7/24/2013 11:03:01 AM)
ehhh i call bs on the post

StrictlyADomina -> RE: Trying to let go (7/24/2013 7:39:55 PM)
Don't make anyone a priority if they consider you an option.

absolutchocolat -> RE: Trying to let go (7/27/2013 2:49:26 PM)
Yeah, me too. What person "making good money" can't afford to pick up the tab or better yet, afford their own apartment? Too many inconsistencies here.

chatterbox24 -> RE: Trying to let go (7/28/2013 4:46:54 AM)
Really no easy way around emotional attachment. Here is a possible option that worked for me, to ease out of the attachment. Stay friends, online only. Nothing wrong with having concern or care for someone even though they are not right for you. You can still care from a distance, but not be involved and hurt yourself in the process. Cold turkey was difficult for me, so I eased into the change. Overtime all those decisions you are questioning of his, and all those differences, as you talk, one day it will just dawn on you. "What was the attraction?" That was a less painful way for me. Nothing wrong with helping a friend through bad times.

ResidentSadist -> RE: Trying to let go (7/28/2013 5:34:21 AM)
Your future is a result of your choices, make of it what you will. I have NEVER had a hard time beginning, ending modifying the terms of a relationship. There are three choices, keep the relationship, end the relationship or modify it. Chances ar that if I liked someone enough to start a relationship, there was probably good grounds. If the part of the relationship that made it intimate changes, it is easy to modify it keep the rest of the good things. If it was just a booty call and now that is tainted, end it. Relationship skills are easy, only you can complicate shit with your own drama.

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