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RE: On the topic of honesty - 7/27/2013 12:10:00 AM

RaspberryLemon

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In my relationship, we have a policy of 100% honesty and transparency with each other. From both sides. He is my Master, but he is just as obligated as I am to be open, honest, and transparent. We share practically everything with each other, and find that that is the healthiest and happiest thing for us. We need that transparency; it brings us closer to each other and fosters feelings of trust and safety.

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RE: On the topic of honesty - 7/27/2013 9:12:38 AM

chatterbox24

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

I'm one who believes both must be honest for any relationship to work. Lying is destructive, and yes that includes lies of omission.

There are 'dominants' who think that they don't have to share important information like who else they are seeing, considering, having sex with, etc. There are those who expect emotional transparency without giving it. Sorry, that never works for long.

It sounds like you and your master need to have a long talk.

If he refuses to talk abut this, even though you've asked him in a respectful way, it's my opinion you have some answers, just not the ones you wanted.

This is very good advice. Besides, many mistakes I made on my own and learned from, transparency I found to be very important mutually. Its all very individual, but without transparency, it leaves room for doubt, mistrust and a lot of upset.

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RE: On the topic of honesty - 7/27/2013 3:03:30 PM

littlewonder

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I'm pretty sure Master shares pretty much everything with me. Neither of us has anything to hide from the other. Now there are things he may not tell me because it's just not important. I don't need to know that he went out to dinner with someone. It's not important unless he knew we had other plans. But otherwise, it's just not important so I don't care.

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RE: On the topic of honesty - 7/28/2013 5:02:56 AM

sunshinemiss

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Here's the thing. I get the feeling that you are talking about a D/s relationship when in reality you are talking about a romantic relationship. Think about your question in this way. If this were my BOYFRIEND, would I tolerate this? Would this be something I could handle? Is this the kind of relationship I want with a sweetheart? This is not about D/s as I am reading it. This is about your lover. Is he the kind of man you want / need in a love-relationship? If not, then you have your answer. If so, then you have your answer.

Just because there is an element of BDSM in your relationship does not mean that the RELATIONSHIP aspect gets tossed to the wayside.

I've updated your original post. How does it read to you? Does it clarify some things in your mind?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Fastergirl

(updated by me, sunshinemiss)

So I understand that a woman must be completely honest with her boyfriend. How honest should the boyfriend be? God, that sounds vague. Assume the boyfriend is for real, not scamming, serious about the relationship, etc. What kind of information, as a boyfriend or lover, would you not share with your lady?

Thanks for your input.

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RE: On the topic of honesty - 7/28/2013 10:08:49 AM

kalikshama

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B and I met on OKCupid and I had serious reservations at first because he was not at all open about being kinky - on his profile, in emails, and on dates. (He alluded to it, but was not open.) Initially, he was also very private about his past.

However, once we took things into the bedroom, he showed me his kinky side and started opening up emotionally after sex. Now that he trusts me, he's far less private, although he did recently chastise me for mentioning him slapping me in an email.

It's impossible for me to tell how much of the lack of transparency in your case is due to your LDR and not really knowing each other than well. I had a LDR for 6 months after which I moved in with him only to find out he'd been both dishonest and incapable of continuing IRL the type of relationship we'd had LD.

quote:

I'm also in a crappy place because I lost yet another job - it's been an exceedingly awful year and half for me on that issue.

Since you're unemployed, why don't you take this opportunity to spend more time with him in person? Do you do the sort of work you can look for remotely? When I was unemployed last year, in person interviews represented a fraction of the effort I put into my search and took a while to set up. You can see if he meets your communication, etc. needs in person and then discuss whether you should be looking for work in his area.

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RE: On the topic of honesty - 7/28/2013 4:33:05 PM

Kalista07

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I haven't read all of the responses....But I wanted to share my experience here... I struggled massively with being totally and completely open and honest with my Master... It wasn't for lack of desire. When I boiled it down, it came down to lack of experience. It just hadn't been my experience desiring or needing to be honest. The way I learned how to be open and honest was by him telling me blatantly (completely transparent...open and honest) everything. Not just the hot things, not just the happy things...things that could potentially upset me... And through him providing me with such a wonderful example I learned how to "not hold my cards so close to my chest" and open up.

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RE: On the topic of honesty - 7/29/2013 7:14:00 AM

Wantstocontrolu

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Honesty is and has to be a two way street.
How can anyone expect honesty and are themselves not Honest?

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RE: On the topic of honesty - 8/3/2013 2:44:20 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Fastergirl
So I understand that a slave must be completely honest with her owner.

You do, eh? I think you should stop reading BDSM web sites. Carol is surely one of the most honest people I know. Yet even she scoffs at the idea that she is "completely honest" with me. Real life and real humans are just quite a bit more complicated than that.

quote:

How honest should the owner be? God, that sounds vague. Assume the owner is for real, not scamming, serious about the relationship, etc. What kind of information, as an owner or master, would you not share with your slave?

Generally I don't share the sorts of things any good leader wouldn't share. Carol, for instance, doesn't necessarily need to hear me worrying about something assuming the worry is small-ish (eg: not divorce material). In general I project an air of "more confidence than I feel" A leader (of any sort) needs to be aware of how their actions and emotions are affecting those they lead.

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RE: On the topic of honesty - 8/3/2013 4:52:06 PM

Extravagasm

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Joined: 9/22/2004
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quote:

Fastergirl post 12: hopefully it won't be an ldr much longer.
I guess 10+ years of therapy makes me more open and probably expect the same of others and especially someone as important as him. I've learned how to identify and express my feelings pretty accurately and pretty fast. and i'm pretty sure most men aren't exactly thrilled with that all the time. lol
Yes the LDR thing is massively ridiculous but I was very clear in my head of the type of man I wanted and with a lot of detail and then he came along and in nearly every way. Threw me for a big loop.
I'm also in a crappy place because I lost yet another job - it's been an exceedingly awful year and half for me on that issue. So I"m hypersensitive about a lot and have WAY too much time to think about this. ugh

quote:

kalikshama post 25: Since you're unemployed, why don't you take this opportunity to spend more time with him in person? Do you do the sort of work you can look for remotely? When I was unemployed last year, in person interviews represented a fraction of the effort I put into my search and took a while to set up. You can see if he meets your communication, etc. needs in person and then discuss whether you should be looking for work in his area.

I was so interested in what your answer to kalikshama would be, Fastergirl. But none came. I lean toward ... cure the LDR and much else (including secrecy) will answer.
Now onto thin ice . . . your post is all about honesty . . . the two pics on the bench do not look like a 46 yo woman from an arid Texas area. Giving the benefit of doubt, then you're a luscious woman, in body and spirit . . . clear from your thoughtful correspondence here :):)
If so, you've got a boatload of bargaining power. . . just get close. Believe me, bottoms can have disarming bargaining power. Ciao

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