RE: Backsliding? (Full Version)

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zenofeller -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 4:01:04 AM)

piece, don't sweat it. as you will be pleased to find, and your dominant probably already knows, these are growing pains. perfectly natural, and furthermore... they say the harder you have it now, the better slave you will make. in a decade.

relax, don't think every single minute is decissive for the rest of your life, it isn't. there's years and decades to come. you didn't even need to tell me you were twenty-something :)

enjoy.



Piece -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 5:57:31 AM)

Thanks again everyone...I don't feel as bad now!

I think you're right about "growing pains." That's what my Dom says as well. He says it's normal for a young submissive to have doubts and even attempt to get away from the lifestyle competely at some point or another. I'm just glad that he's been so understanding and had such a wonderful attitude about the whole thing.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 6:14:11 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Piece
The problem is that I still feel ashamed that I've been "backsliding" into submissive behaviors. I feel like I tried so hard to be a strong, independant woman and I failed miserably. I'm sort of ashamed of the fact that I'm just not capable of running my own life.

I can't tell you exactly how to lose the shame and guilt in yourself, though I can tell you that you will need to at least keep them at bay if you hope to have a long term relationships as a submissive.  Otherwise the pattern will repeat itself.

I can tell you that you are empowering yourself by choosing to do what works best FOR YOU- not what anyone else tells you what should be working for you (even the people who raised you).  I can tell you that the hardest thing to be is true to yourself and the strongest people are the ones who remain true to themselves no matter what.
quote:


I guess I'm posting this to ask for opinions on how to deal with these feelings. I'm caught between being SO happy that my life is in focus again and controlled and yet still feeling ashamed that I wasn't able to make it on my own.

Any advice? 

You are making it on your own.  He's not hand holding you- you're the one who has to get it done.  We all have weaknesses.  Half the reason we get into relationships with others is because they help us become stronger in who we are.  You need to forgive yourself for not being perfect and accept your control freak issues as aspects of yourself which can help you, as long as you don't let them control you.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 6:16:14 AM)

quote:

Being a slave is way harder then doing your own thing.

But being a consensual slave IS doing your own thing- they decided to be a slave in a relationship with an owner.



zenofeller -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 6:21:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
You are making it on your own.  He's not hand holding you- you're the one who has to get it done.  We all have weaknesses.  Half the reason we get into relationships with others is because they help us become stronger in who we are.  You need to forgive yourself for not being perfect and accept your control freak issues as aspects of yourself which can help you, as long as you don't let them control you.


she has a point there. no dom, even god almighty himself, can turn anyone into a slave. if you make it, it will have been on your own.



impishlilhellcat -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 7:43:10 AM)

Piece I have to say your a lucky girl and I know exactly what your going through. I went through it with my previous Master. Your Master has allowed you a second chance and has taken the time to work with you. I wasn't so lucky. But like I said I know how you feel. It's this feeling of helplessness after being so independent and being used to just making the decisions that now really matter and now you have someone in your life that you love and care about and you know he's making the right choices for you, but this fear crops up and you panic and you don't know what to do or how to deal with it and you want to ask for help but don't know how and so then you do what makes you feel better and more in control you act out, you disobey, you decide what your going to do. Yes I know those feelings well. I still don't know how to overcome them.



agirl -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 7:45:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Piece

Thank you for your great post, CrouchingTigress...For me, I guess a "strong" woman is one that can manage her own life without assistance. Obviously though, I'm not very good at that.  Maybe you're right...maybe by making the decision to turn things over to him, I'm showing that I CAN take care of myself. If giving him control makes my life better, then that must mean I've made the right decision.


Hello Piece,

I read your post with interest as I tend to want to manage *without assistance* ....but that leads to me cutting my nose off to spite my face at times, and it isn't helpful.

Few of us are islands......life can be much harder if we are bullheaded about *managing alone*.

I say bring on the *best man for the job* whatever it may be.

Doctors fix my body, mechanics fix my car, teachers help me raise my sproglets and my Master helps me run things in a way that enhances my life. I can and have managed my life and that hasn't stopped just because I am a slave. I just manage better with a great guide and a pragmatic chap overseeing the whole proceedings.

I don't *need* a Master......I don't *need* to be a slave either.... I recognise that choosing to live as his slave is a good decision for me, despite not being submissive.

Having said ALL that....I still moan about stuff...I still don't like being *told what to do*...I still say I hate him every other day...I still groan about aspects of it.....I get reminded rather bluntly that I can't *cherry-pick*.....lol.

LA said this...and it's true......... You may be guided, you may have help, assistance, support...but you are the one that has to do it and DO do it.

In that light, I think I'd view your decision to enlist the help of someone who is  *the best man for the job* as a success.

With regards, agirl



Arpig -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 8:01:15 AM)

I have not read the whole thread, deliberatly, as i wanted to reply directly to your OP. Particularly this bit:
quote:

I feel like I tried so hard to be a strong, independant woman and I failed miserably.


It takes a strong woman to submit. It takes a great deal of courage to surrender yourself to another, and it takes a very independant woman to define for herself exactly how she will lead her life, to do so in a way that satisfies her rather than society's conventions.

So you really haven't been "backsliding", rather what you have done is to actually get a grip on yourself and once again started being the strong, independant woman you are, but doing so on your terms, rather than on society's terms.



aellea -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 8:04:53 AM)

i have found this thread very stirring and awesome.  in the actual post and in the responses from everyone.

there are many facets of this particular setting.  i am alone and working hard to be independent because i have to, not because i desire to.  i would love to have the someone like piece to direct those activities and keep me focused in life. 

piece, you seem to me to have a slice of heaven, embrace it and forget the world and their expectations.  live for yourself and your dom... it will be wonderful.  maybe you just need to give yourself permission to do so!



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 8:07:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig
It takes a strong woman to submit.

No it doesn't.  Plenty of weak women submit easily.
quote:

It takes a great deal of courage to surrender yourself to another,

No it doesn't. Plenty of people surrender due to fear or lack of strength.
quote:

 and it takes a very independant woman to define for herself exactly how she will lead her life, to do so in a way that satisfies her rather than society's conventions.

Now that I agree is completely true.



Arpig -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 8:07:48 AM)

quote:

maybe you just need to give yourself permission to do so


I think this line is one of the most important lines I have read on CM. Aellea is right. Give yourself permission to enjoy yourself the way you are. and then....enbjoy[:)]



mnwbs -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 8:12:25 AM)

I really don't feel DS has much to do with indepence necessarily.  It can, but a woman can be an independent woman at work and be completely submissive at home.  I've seen it happen.



aellea -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 8:13:19 AM)

oh my gosh... Arpig, thank you... you are the first person to say that something i said was right or had value.  you have made my day!!!



crouchingtigress -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 8:19:58 AM)

[:)]*hugs aellea*  imho right is a subjective perspective....but you always have value. *grin*

quote:

ORIGINAL: aellea

oh my gosh... Arpig, thank you... you are the first person to say that something i said was right or had value.  you have made my day!!!



Arpig -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 8:24:49 AM)

you are very welcome. I like that concept so much I added it to my taglines[:)]



mistoferin -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 9:31:15 AM)

There is no contradiction between being a strong and independant woman and being submissive. It is perfectly possible and acceptable to be both. The key is in finding a balance that satisfies your individual needs...and a partner that is happy with that balance. Maybe you just need to hear that said?



midniterider7 -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 9:34:52 AM)

Backsliding?...Nah



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 10:00:53 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Piece

Any advice? 
As I tell my companion, don't struggle, You'll tire yourself out and only make it worse in the end.



indigo302 -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 8:27:51 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: feastie

Piece,

Of all the wonderful advice you've received thus far, I do find something that's missing.  You do need to learn to manage your own life.  Being a slave doesn't mean that one cannot take care of herself.  I think the reason you failed is because you tried to put your nature behind you.  You can't do that.  You have to embrace yourself.  My suggestion to you would be to ask your Master for his guidance...only...in certain areas, so that you can learn to make good decisions yourself.  A woman, be she submissive or slave, should know how to stand on her own two feet, even if she doesn't have to.  When you learn to do this, and yet you still hand over that control to your Master, you both shall be doubly blessed.


feastie -

Sheesh I don't have to answer many posts, you always say it before I do.  And generally better than I do.

I agree 100%.

Just as a "Master" must master himself before he can master another - a submissive must have control before she can give it up.



aellea -> RE: Backsliding? (6/29/2006 10:22:14 PM)

<<< official member of Arpig's fan club!!!



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