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Lost - 7/28/2013 8:39:31 PM   
VaanAuron


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline 		I know if this is the right place for this or not but anyways i gone to a few Group munches and i learned a lot of info but still fill lost cause i haven't never done any BDSM in person the few times i had sex was all normal. As you can tell im not good talking to people and i do have a few health problems. How can i get to a point here i can talk to females on here or is a lost cause
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Lost - 7/28/2013 9:20:32 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		No it's not a lost cause. The fact that you have been out to munches puts you ahead of a lot of people.

Now that said, it is hard for guys to talk to women on here, because there are a lot more guys than women. And a lot of those guys are just looking for a quick wank, and so will message any woman who is online asking for sex. That means most women get quite a lot of poor-quality messages and it's hard for a guy to stand out. You might have more luck in real life.

Your lack of kink experience is probably not an issue since everyone starts somewhere, and you are honest, so that's good.

You can improve your odds in a few ways on here. Read profiles carefully and when you see someone you like, send them a thoughtful message that shows you are interested in them - not just 'hi, wanna chat' but something you've seen in their profile. Perhaps a question about a hobby they mention. Don't start with sex. Run your profile through a spell check and fix the typing errors. Get rid of the cock photo - women generally don't like them and to make it worse you have a messy room in the background! Put something in there about your personality and your interests. Having health problems shouldn't hold you back - we all deal with something or we will as we age. Again, just be honest with prospective partners but keep focus on what you can do.

The only way to get better at talking to people is to practice. If a conversation goes wrong, try to look at it critically and see what might have happened. Did you get personal too quickly? Did you not ask any questions to keep the conversation going?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to VaanAuron)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Lost - 7/28/2013 9:44:47 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		OP, the only time it's ever a lost cause is when you yourself give up. If it means something to you, you are more willing to keep trying. Without knowing exactly where you feel things might go wrong, Id say that Athena has given you great advice. I haven't checked your profile yet, so I have no clue what is there. Just know that not everyone is turned off by our novice status. Some don't mind newbies in the least.

Just keep trying

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Lost - 7/28/2013 10:14:36 PM   
VaanAuron


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline 		Thank you both responding Athena thanks for your advice and i tried to Do as much as i could do. i have never tried to open any time i message a woman with wanting sex the first time but i was using HI would you like to try and get to know each other. Im alwats asking qestion when i message someone but i feal that since i dont have no pratical exp. that it the opise of get personal to qiuck i dont how to them so i dont

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Lost - 7/28/2013 10:34:03 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		Biggest turn off for me as far as a new potential is the conversation going to kink (specifically their kink) too quick. The quickest way to get me uninspired is when someone stops seeing me as a whole human being and starts seeing me as a fetish delivery system designed to do only one thing...deliver fetish.

I personally don't give a rat's tiny furry little ass one way or the other as to the length and content of a submissive's kink resume. I've interacted with extremely experienced as well as very inexperienced submissives. If Im out there, I know there are others like me out there who share a similar point of view. Making your lack of experience as big a deal as you make it sound gives a very negative sound to it. Being novice to kink is not the end of the world...if you don't let it be.

I can only give you the advice of how I personally prefer correspondence with someone. I like someone who will be an active participant in a conversation. Figure out who you might be right now, which will help pinpoint what type of partner you are looking for. Know who you aren't too. If you aren't a hardcore masochist, a hardcore sadist might not be your ideal partner. Answer questions, but ask your own too. You have to be equally as comfortable with the partner as they are with you.

It's going to take work on your part and you might get doors slammed in your face, but it's all not negative.

(in reply to VaanAuron)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Lost - 7/29/2013 12:51:50 AM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaanAuron

Thank you both responding Athena thanks for your advice and i tried to Do as much as i could do. i have never tried to open any time i message a woman with wanting sex the first time but i was using HI would you like to try and get to know each other. Im alwats asking qestion when i message someone but i feal that since i dont have no pratical exp. that it the opise of get personal to qiuck i dont how to them so i dont


The problem with 'Hi, would you like to talk?' or something similar, is that it's very generic. You could send that to any person on the site. So the person receiving it doesn't know whether you've even looked at their profile or if you're just sending that message to everyone who is online. Everyone wants to feel they've been chosen because there is something appealing and interesting about them, and not just that anyone will do. It also puts the effort of starting a conversation onto them, because you haven't suggested a topic.

I hope SeekingTrinity doesn't mind, but for the sake of an example, if I was interested in Trinity:

I look at their profile and see that they are a couple looking for a submissive or switch to join them. I check and see that I am reasonably local and that there's nothing in there that would rule me out - for example, I'm not into one of their hard limits, they don't specify they're looking for someone older than me, we're looking for the same type of relationship. If I'm not what they're looking for, I don't bother them.

Now I'm looking for something we have in common that I can start a conversation about. The journals talk about March Madness so one of them at least is into basketball. They also have a photo of two tigers, so maybe I could talk about that. We have some kinks in common, but it's more classy to leave the kinks out of message number one, in my opinion.

OK now use your imagination because I'm obviously not really local and being English I know nothing about basketball but I might say something like:

Hi there! The photo of the tigers on your profile caught my eye. It's always been a dream of mine to travel and see them in the wild. Where did you find that photograph? It has a National Geographic feel to it.

I read your profile and it sounds like we are looking for the same things, although I have much less experience than you. I live about an hour outside of Beaverton - are you active in the community at all?

I noticed you mentioned March Madness in your journal - I admit I don't know much about basketball, but I love football, do you follow any other sports?


And that's it. Not a perfect message because I was rushing and in reality I wouldn't be contacting a switch/switch couple in the US, but I hope it makes a point. I've shown that I'm interested in their interests and personalities, that I've read their profile, and that I can talk about things other than kink. I've volunteered a little bit of information about myself, and I've given them several choices of conversation topics - wildlife/travel, the community, and sports. They still might check me out and think 'no thanks' but at least I've (hopefully) come across well.



_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to VaanAuron)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Lost - 7/29/2013 1:19:35 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		Athena hit the nail on the head.

If I get a message that says 'hi, would you like to try and get to know each other' I usually click the 'spam' button and block the sender. It's lazy and it's generic and mostly, it gives me NOTHING to message you back with.

You'll notice that Athena's messages all end with an open question which invites the recipient to message back with something more than a 'yes' or 'no' answer. And the messages all relate to something in the recipient's profile, which shows you have enough interest to have actually read it.

You need to put in the effort. Your profile is pretty boring and reads like any one of thousands that are on here. Nothing makes it stand out. I don't know about YOU. What are your favourite foods? Do you go hang gliding? Do you have any pets? The kind of things that might make someone think that you are interesting and they may have something in common with you.




_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Lost - 7/29/2013 1:38:56 AM   
VaanAuron


Posts: 3
Joined: 5/5/2012
Status: offline 		@AthenaSurrenders Thank you you been a big help Every One a told me what u told me but no one ever gave me an example of hoe to do it. I never been one to think on my feet i uslay have to wait a bit before i can can think of somethinng

(in reply to AthenaSurrenders)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Lost - 7/29/2013 3:38:59 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: VaanAuron

How can i get to a point here i can talk to females on here or is a lost cause


Not sure who actually owns the quote but, "whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're absolutely right"...!

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to VaanAuron)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Lost - 7/29/2013 7:20:30 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		You might want to think of using a grammar and spelling checker or taking a few remedial courses since it's very difficult to read what you write. So along with the advice others gave you, you need to be able to write so that others understand you. Most people are going to be turned off by such sloppy writing.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Lost - 7/29/2013 7:30:26 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Also, to be frank, a lot of success is perseverance.

I started in the lifestyle 12 years ago. It was really hard to get started, but now I've got a submissive, kinkfriends, and play partners.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 11
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