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Dilema 4 over ex - 6/28/2006 8:36:16 PM   
purplesub


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		I have a problem I can't seem to figure out for myself. I am new to  D/s. I have had one experience with a Dom that ended and am now talking to another Dom who is beyond what I could have hoped for in a man. He is a fabolous person and I am almost sure he is the one for me. But we have not even meet. He lives in New York and I am in Arizonia. We have made plans to meet, but have discussed that until then we are not a couple. Now here is the dilema. I was once in love with another fabolous man (vannilla). Five years ago he ended it out of the blue.It never made sense to me because we were in love deeply. He contacted me just the other day, he was diagnoised with luekemia and not wanting to put me through the turmoil of taking care of him and seeing him sick, he broke up with me instead. It turns out that it was a immune disorder and through herbal medicine he is now healthy again. He is coming to visit me in 2 weeks and I know I still love him to an extent. So my question is, do I tell the Dom whom I am falling in love with or do I not say a word. I feel as if I am lying by keeping this from him but I am afraid of losing him. I also want to see my ex because I need to know if I still have feelings for him. I want to do what is right for all involved. I am normaly very honest with the men I am involved with but fear is keeping me from knowing what is right. Can anyone offer advice on this maybe even someone has been through it and knows what to do.
Thank you in advance
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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/28/2006 8:47:28 PM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		I don't really have an answer to your question Purple, but I do have a question I would be asking myself in your situation.
If my ex broke up with me 5 years ago, due to a diagnosis of Luekemia, and the rational was that he didn't want me to take care of him or see him sick,, and then it turns out it was an immune disorder..... why in the world if he loved me so much would he not have come to me with this info immediately after realizing he was not dying. I mean a diagnosis of Luekemia 5 years ago and it has taken all this time to find the real disorder?
My off topic advice would be to tread carefully with the ex... it doesn't add up.
                   mbmbn
* real * diagnosis and get herbal therapy??

_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to purplesub)
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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/28/2006 8:48:55 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		Dear Purple...

My advice to you is to go slowly with all involved.  So many things have fallen into your lap recently and you probably feel as if you are in the spin cycle right now.  Meeting with an old friend, an old flame, doesn't mean that you are about to commit a crime against the new friendship/relationship that you have found online.  I think that you owe it to the new man to make sure that the door to the past is fully shut before proceeding forward.  People can be who and whatever they want to be on the internet and from far away, although that does not mean that the new man could not be your One.  Right now, no one knows for sure.  However, it seems that in order to go forward, you really need to make sure that you are "over" the man who tried to keep his illness from interfering with your life.  Call it closure, double-checking, whatever you like, but for me, I like to know that I did everything possible to make sure that my decisions come without regret or what if's, as much as  - and whenever - possible.

_____________________________

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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/28/2006 8:56:58 PM   
purplesub


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: maybemaybenot

I don't really have an answer to your question Purple, but I do have a question I would be asking myself in your situation.
If my ex broke up with me 5 years ago, due to a diagnosis of Luekemia, and the rational was that he didn't want me to take care of him or see him sick,, and then it turns out it was an immune disorder..... why in the world if he loved me so much would he not have come to me with this info immediately after realizing he was not dying. I mean a diagnosis of Luekemia 5 years ago and it has taken all this time to find the real disorder?
My off topic advice would be to tread carefully with the ex... it doesn't add up.
                  mbmbn
* real * diagnosis and get herbal therapy??

 
I agree with the question you are asking and I asked it of him to. The last he had heard about me was that I was engaged to be married. He didn't want to interfere with my new life as he called it. I sent him an email for his birthday this last month and that is when he contacted me.

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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/28/2006 8:59:07 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Nothing is real untill you actually meet the person. At this point, neither you nor the Dom owe each other anything.

Your friend on the other hand is real. He kept a big secret from you in the past. Now would be a good time to see if he can regain that trust and discover for yourself if you can truly be happy with him. What are the chances of him becoming a little kinky and dominant?

The only right choice to make here is the one that's going to make you happy. Most choices we make will always hurt one person and please the other. At this point, you have not made a commitment nor do you have any obligations. Think with your head and follow your heart.

I don't see a reason for telling the guy in New York anything. Nothing between the two of you is offical. If you choose to be with your ex and things work out, just tell the New Yorker that you know a Long Distance Relationship is not what's best for you and end it with something along those guildlines. 



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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/28/2006 9:00:05 PM   
purplesub


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Daddysredhead

Dear Purple...

My advice to you is to go slowly with all involved.  So many things have fallen into your lap recently and you probably feel as if you are in the spin cycle right now.  Meeting with an old friend, an old flame, doesn't mean that you are about to commit a crime against the new friendship/relationship that you have found online.  I think that you owe it to the new man to make sure that the door to the past is fully shut before proceeding forward.  People can be who and whatever they want to be on the internet and from far away, although that does not mean that the new man could not be your One.  Right now, no one knows for sure.  However, it seems that in order to go forward, you really need to make sure that you are "over" the man who tried to keep his illness from interfering with your life.  Call it closure, double-checking, whatever you like, but for me, I like to know that I did everything possible to make sure that my decisions come without regret or what if's, as much as  - and whenever - possible.


Thank you for the advice. You are right in that I should make sure that I have no old feelings for this man before I enter into another relationship. I would want the same from the Dom I am speaking with now. I'd want him to have closed all dooors to his past as well.

(in reply to Daddysredhead)
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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/28/2006 9:03:32 PM   
purplesub


Posts: 5
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet

Nothing is real untill you actually meet the person. At this point, neither you nor the Dom owe each other anything.

Your friend on the other hand is real. He kept a big secret from you in the past. Now would be a good time to see if he can regain that trust and discover for yourself if you can truly be happy with him. What are the chances of him becoming a little kinky and dominant?

The only right choice to make here is the one that's going to make you happy. Most choices we make will always hurt one person and please the other. At this point, you have not made a commitment nor do you have any obligations. Think with your head and follow your heart.

I don't see a reason for telling the guy in New York anything. Nothing between the two of you is offical. If you choose to be with your ex and things work out, just tell the New Yorker that you know a Long Distance Relationship is not what's best for you and end it with something along those guildlines. 




Thanks, also some very good points and advice. I just feel as if I am lying by not saying anything. I so hate a conscious

(in reply to FangsNfeet)
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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/28/2006 9:49:13 PM   
OedipusRexIt


Posts: 634
Joined: 11/15/2005
Status: offline 		I truly sympathize with what seems to be a situation which no one caused.  Still, it exists. 

The only thing to do is to find a way to bring it to light in a way that makes clear your own personal confusion.

I advocate full disclosure of the facts, including whatever is your decision, to all concerned.  Good luck.

_____________________________

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die..."

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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/29/2006 12:13:49 AM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		If you want to step into the future, you have to let go of the past.

You still love this ex 'to an extent.' I submit that you probably love the 'idea' of the man he was five years ago.. five years ago before he broke up with you for no reason, five years ago when you had the love for him, five years ago when you were not allowed any closure .. no clues as to what happened. He has a great excuse.. he didn't want you to go through the trauma of his illness. He wanted to spare you. Now, five years later, you just pick up where you left off?

You're a completely different person now. You have changed and I don't know him, but I can practically guarantee he has changed as well and if he hasn't, that would be even scarier. No growth at all.  What happens the next time some catastrophe comes along? He's going to leave again without a word?

Backwards is not progress purplesub.

Think about it. I wish you well,

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/29/2006 12:52:09 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, you have to be honest with your *potential* dominant.

Question I have is were you always in the habit of emailing the old flame on his birthday? 

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Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/29/2006 1:28:12 AM   
darkinshadows


Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline
If you are not in a relationship, it could be argued that you do not need to inform anyone of anything.
For your own peace of mind, what feels right to you?  If you meet this ex and theres no click, will you still be able to meet the other man and look him in the eye without feeling guilt because he doesn't know what you did?
Personally, I would explain to the dominant that you are planning to meet the ex and that you have nothing planned, but unless you work on whether you still have feelings, then you won't be able to submit fully.  If it was me, I would rather be kept informed.  Truth is everything.
 
And if truth and honesty is paramount, what about this other man?  OK - so his intentions were honourable, but they were still wrong IMO.  He still lied to you.  I can understand the reasoning, but it still doesn't make it right.  What is to say he won't lie again and do something similar a way down the line?  What happens if the immune problem worsens?  Will he end it, just so you don't 'suffer' again?  He showed little faith in you in the first place, you obviously seem like a level headed person.  Of course that is just gleamed from a few words on a screen.  But truth and honesty is really what this thread is about.  And only you can answer if it is that important to you to never worry he wont walk out again, and whether you are being truthful to yourself by with holding any information from a possible partner.
 
Peace and Rapture


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...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/29/2006 5:50:51 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Your diving in way too seriously with BOTH situations.  You've not even met this other guy and you're claiming to be falling in love with him.  You've got this other guy who, when the going got real tough, split on you.

Generally, it's the polite thing to do to let the people you are dating know that you are also dating others.  You don't have to get any more specific than that unless you feel its merited, but they should at least know where things stand.

Anyway, who cares if you "still have feelings"?  Feelings aren't enough to make a stable secure long term relationship.  Go ahead and date both people if you want, but do it with a realistic perspective of where you want to go in the future- not of some ideals you have in your head of where they were or where your fantasy takes you.

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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/29/2006 5:58:00 AM   
zenofeller


Posts: 463
Joined: 6/10/2006
Status: offline 		Not reading what the other people advised you (since I don't care), my advice is to be honest to them both. Otherwise you will end up in the typical two lover drama, and really, didin't you have enough bad made for TV movies yet? Do you really want to live one ?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/29/2006 6:00:30 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		You haven't even met the guy from New York so I wouldn't invest too much in that relationship. Online is meaningless in my eyes and only takes on meaning after you have met. Hell, you might hate eachother once you meet. Never put too much into online, you are probably just as likely to be projecting onto the guy in the online relationship what you want him to be.

Your friend is real so let him turn up. If you have a wail of a time and get it together, you'll know the guy in New York is not the right person for you because if he was, you wouldn't be having such a good time with the other guy.

Actually, something smells fishy about the leukemia thing.

< Message edited by meatcleaver -- 6/29/2006 6:01:55 AM >

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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/29/2006 6:29:26 AM   
zumala


Posts: 1121
Joined: 6/16/2005
Status: offline 		An interesting dilemma.
 
First of all, I'd advise you to be cautious with your former SO.  He just took off without a word to "spare" you?  I'm sorry, but that's not a loving thing to do, Hon.  And what does that say about his feelings and thoughts concerning you?  That you wouldn't WANT to be at his side through his illness?  That you wouldn't worry if he just disappeared?  That he'd rather be alone doing his own thing when in pain than have you there loving him?  I'd say he has issues.
 
Secondly, be cautious also with the online thing.  I met my husband online, but I also had two bad relationships with guys I met online first.  The thing about online relationships is that you ONLY know what they choose to show you.  I had one guy who represented himself as one thing to me, but everyone else saw his true colors.  I only saw them after I broke the relationship off.
 
So you can develop an excellent and lasting real life relationship from a beginning online, but don't /expect/ it.  Save the love until you've been around this fella for a year or two.  Keep your eyes open.  Don't be suspicious, but don't be blind, deaf, and dumb either.  I hope I'm making sense.
 
Also, honesty counts for something.  I'd advise your NY fellow of your situation if you decide to meet your ex, that way you don't feel guilty.  You haven't done anything wrong as far as I can tell.  There's no reason not to use honesty as your policy.
 
So just be careful, and I wish you good luck.
 
zuma

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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/29/2006 6:33:27 AM   
zenofeller


Posts: 463
Joined: 6/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver
Your friend is real so let him turn up. If you have a wail of a time and get it together, you'll know the guy in New York is not the right person for you because if he was, you wouldn't be having such a good time with the other guy.


Absolutely. It's a stars thing, you get one soul mate per incarnation, and you can tell who's the soul mate because they leave you and then come back and you have a great time. snicker.

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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/29/2006 7:02:13 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Well purple, my gut tells me the whole luekemia/imune-disorder line id just that...a line. I don't buy it at all, sorry.

That being said, as far as what to tell who...I think that you should tell the new man about the ex if you do still have feelings for the ex. Meet up and see, if there is nothing there, then no harm, no foul, you met up with an ex for a chat. Many people do it, an ex of mine from Australia came to Canada for a visit, and she stopped in and stayed with me (and my girlfriend) while she was passing through this part of the country. It was great to see her again, and that is all...there was nothing more to it.

As to telling the Ex about the online Dom, simple, none of his damned business. He dumped you, so he gave up any and all rights to know anything about what you have done since.

Tread either path carefully, as I can foresee many pitfalls in both, good luck.

_____________________________

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Ha Ha...Charade you are!

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RE: Dilema 4 over ex - 6/29/2006 7:09:23 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Well, the new guy has AIDS........but he isn't going to tell you until you get diagnosed with it, because he doesn't want to lose you.  Do not make a monkeys fist in the jar you are holding.

Same, same.  Distinction without difference.  

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 6/29/2006 7:12:57 AM >

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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