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Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life? Ho... - 8/1/2013 1:23:23 PM   
Poloboi234


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/29/2012
Status: offline 		Hello, to all.


My question is about BDSM. I tried to stop... but there is that urge, or binge I'd say where I get intrigued by a person or a sub willing to submit to me. I don't care the sex or gender, just knowing the person's background etc... is what intrigues me to get them to be my sub or slave. I just have a question.

Due to my profession I have had thoughts of completely quitting this lifestyle. I would say trust is a big issue for me. Those I have dommed in the past, or for one session(CL), I go by an alias, or we don't even speak of names really. Just random faces.. I don't remember them, and I hope they don't remember me... But I'd like to play at times with people. I think the issue is that it is completely out of the norm for the way I am known, or perceived in society. Also the world of work I plan and am actively pursuing.

So my question is, have any of you been outed? within your own lives? I had a conversation with a sub-male about this and he said that in all honestly if you were "outed" being into BDSM it would be considered worse in society than being "gay" or coming out of that world. In the sense you could never be a politician or a person of clout in the community. This fetish or world is so misunderstood that the worst would be thought about regardless. I never really thought about it that way...

I really thought if asked you could just say.. "I like to tie girls up sometimes, what's the big deal?" but if you were truly outed, with the whips, the chains, etc.. or even same sex doming (as I do, non-sexual) it would be considered as "gay", or "deviant" etc.. this prospect does scare me, but like anything else it intrigues me in the lifestyle as well. I guess the "taboo" of it all makes me venture further into it. But I have only 3 people I have decided if I play, it will only be with them(Due to discretion, and there stability in life, and they have as much to lose as me..) but, I have played with people that I could say if I was to ever become famous (not going to happen) they could snitch to the media, or claim something. Too bad they have no pics, or anything of me.. no camera's... etc... But this is a true fear.

Some of us live within the vanilla life style, and are prominent members of that community and have a lot to lose. Unless you're a doctor, a lawyer, or an engineer (computers etc..), you're being hired based off social skills and social norms.. if something like this happened or was told.. It could potentially ruin us, or destroy us. Just wondering thoughts of anyone on here with this. Master or sub, Gorean etc...

Has this happen to you? or to anyone you know? what was the experiences, the field of the person, and what were the repercussion... sadly people aren't as enlightened as I am with this type of lifestyle... I feel if more people read up on this, or psychology in general it would make simple logical sense, hence why I dom people regardless of gender. It's about the dynamics.. not the sex...(I'm non-sexual with my subs) We'll please give me your input or backgrounds.. as well as your fears about this lifestyle and why you'd risk it, or does it even matter. Thanks to all.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 1:31:46 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I cannot in any way relate to this, I fuck, nonya goddamn business how I do that, and look what happened to Albert, not much really most for denying it.

If you find out I fuck (not real hard to do) well, then I guess the jigs up. Fuckit. If you get 'caught', so what, fess up and treat it like they are fools for making a deal out of it because they are. Ask the bosslady how much dick she gobbled last night and does she lick ass too? Ask the boss man does he take it in the ass from the old lady and her lover?

Well, we all are gonna keep it within our selves.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Poloboi234)
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RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 1:59:40 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		So, you're back to tell everyone how you want to leave BDSM and try to convince everyone that you're so high profile that it would destroy you if anyone found out....again?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 2:12:50 PM   
Poloboi234


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/29/2012
Status: offline 		Oside- never said I was "high profile" where do you get this? it's just a smart, and common fear to be weary of things. I guess it's arrogant to ask about this. Why do you think BDSM is so exclusive that only you can understand it? or understand the circumstances of someone else's life? if you were a soccer mom or on the PTA and BDSM was found out it'd be a big deal for your own life, in your town, and affect that status... oh, you could say, "We'll screw those people, they don't understand you..." but life, social status, and norms aren't that cut and dry. So those that can, please answer my question. Thanks.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 2:23:13 PM   
theshytype


Posts: 1600
Status: offline 		I thought you were done? You even wrote something as a "reminder" to yourself.

http://www.collarchat.com/m_4421738/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#4421738

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 2:33:52 PM   
Poloboi234


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/29/2012
Status: offline 		haha yeah, I thought I was.

But, an old sub came around... and that's how it is. I'm thinking about quitting again, but I've decided to just keep it to a certain 3 and when they have time. It's all role play to me anyway.

(in reply to theshytype)
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RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 2:46:19 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		You live in Los Angeles and from my experience most people don't give a crap about weirdness in SoCal unless you're working directly with children or are involved with conservative religious groups.

I have met many high profile people involved in alternative lifestyles without it being a closely kept secret..including my ex.

And I will say, that every case I know of someone being outed, it was because they pissed off a partner, made poor choices in partners or went out of their way to be an asshole.



_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 4:14:48 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

Weren't you doing this exact same thing a couple of months ago? Don't tell me you are one of these people who swears up and down that they are leaving...only to stand by the door hoping that people will beg them to stay? Good God, man...leave if you want to. Stay if you want to. But quit with the "look at meeeeee" attention grabbing shit, ok?

Its BDSM, not the end of the fucking world

< Message edited by SeekingTrinity -- 8/1/2013 4:16:58 PM >

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 4:38:33 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I don't think your issue is with the fear of being outed as kinky.

I think you are afraid some same-sex encounter might come back to bite you later.


How would being "bisexual" negatively impact your career or social ties?


Here's the thing, You can try to keep things anonymous, but then you are exposing yourself to a bigger risk by playing with people you do not know.
You come to trust people by getting to know them... well.

As for the rest: 50 Shades of Grey was on bestsellers' lists for weeks.

People are less disturbed by kink.


Figure out which skin(?) you want to be comfortable in and find a kink aware therapist.

Insanity is defined as doing the same action and expecting different results.

Do something else.


_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 5:13:26 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm going to try to write this post in an attempt walk a very fine line here.

I've always had the stance that outing is a repugnant practice. I held that opinion long before it became a concern in My life and it's probably going to remain My opinion for as long as I remain active in the kink community. Unlike some misdirected souls who have been known to out folks for being gay under the guise of believing it will do good for the person who is being outed, there's really nothing virtuous that a person can claim for attempting to out somebody regarding BDSM. To date, I haven't heard any plausible excuse that isn't related to a person being vindictive in some way or another.

I am going to encourage you not to kid yourself. As you know, I've read your threads before and trying to pass off receiving oral sex during your encounters as non-sexual really doesn't fly. You and the people that you play with know what activities happen between the two of you and the fact that you don't always sexually get off on them isn't an angle that's going to work. What you don't want to admit to yourself is going to be inconsequential if you are concerned about what is going to come out of another person's mouth to a boss or some other figure that concerns you within your community.

Some other things that you might want to be aware of. Thinking somebody has "just as much to lose" isn't always accurate. Depending on how much that person is angry with you for whatever reason, not everybody is going to think the same way that you do. They may not care what they lose or be concerned that you have as much on them as they have on you. There's also the advantage that they may have in being a malicious person and they may be banking on the fact that your own ethics will stop you from making those same kinds of calls to their higher ups to ruin their (and the people who might be depending on them) livelihood, medical benefits, retirement, or whatever it is that THEY would lose. If they know you're not the type to think innocent by-standers are acceptable losses, they might be playing the odds on that.

A different way to look at it. Don't think that just because you've known somebody for an extended period of time that you have a safety net. There is no way to predict what a person is going to do when an arrangement ends. How many of your friends have "Oh My God s/he turned stalker/psycho/caused property damage/whatever" in the vanilla world? How many people do you know that tried every trick in the book to get back at their soon to be ex-spouse to use for their own advantage while obtaining a divorce? Kinky people aren't any different than vanilla people when it comes to how they behave when something ends.

quote:

I had a conversation with a sub-male about this and he said that in all honestly if you were "outed" being into BDSM it would be considered worse in society than being "gay" or coming out of that world.

Depends. Legally, if you leave marks on somebody, you could entail additional problems. There's no EEO protection for being fired from a job or your lease not being renewed for being kinky where you may have a shot at it *if* you can prove the basis for the same is being gay. The stigma of being accused of abuse can be pretty bad in some places. Thankfully, not all vanillas are as gullible as some folks would like to make others think.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SeekingTrinity)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 6:33:41 PM   
Poloboi234


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/29/2012
Status: offline 		ladypact- I completely concur with your assessment. Hence why I've become more cautious, and I think that I am only going to deal with the people I have dealt with. Yes people are hetroflexible and it has happened. It is what it is. It's something I don't engage in that much, and it depends on the partner. But I understand someone will see me, remember, or even try and claim that we were in touch etc... I don't know. I assume the worst of people in most cases (as that's what I'm used to seeing, so I can plan for it later.) But, if it comes to that, or I feel the person is going to "out" me etc... I don't engage. It's just what it is. I try not to dom "out" gay guys, only due to the fact that they may and seem to always want more than what is offered, and discussed and seem to be in more a 'relationship' mindset, that isn't going to happen (outside of a dom/sub dynamic) Professional dom's don't engage in sex acts with there slaves... I'm going with that mantra.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 7:09:18 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

So, you're back to tell everyone how you want to leave BDSM and try to convince everyone that you're so high profile that it would destroy you if anyone found out....again?


I thought this looked familiar.


_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to OsideGirl)
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RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/1/2013 7:12:57 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Poloboi234

Oside- never said I was "high profile" where do you get this? it's just a smart, and common fear to be weary of things. I guess it's arrogant to ask about this. Why do you think BDSM is so exclusive that only you can understand it? or understand the circumstances of someone else's life? if you were a soccer mom or on the PTA and BDSM was found out it'd be a big deal for your own life, in your town, and affect that status... oh, you could say, "We'll screw those people, they don't understand you..." but life, social status, and norms aren't that cut and dry. So those that can, please answer my question. Thanks.


I was one of those soccer moms. Some of the other moms knew about my sex life because they were friends of mine and we'd sit around over margaritas and talk and laugh about men and sex and stuff. Others didn't because they were not part of my friendships but if they did find out, so what? It just never bothered me. Still doesn't. Some of my friends and family hate how I am in my life. Others don't care and shrug it off. Some are intrigued and want to know more. All in all though I've yet to have anyone shun me or make a huge deal out of it. Most people are only concerned about their own lives. They don't have time to care about yours.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to Poloboi234)
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RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/2/2013 5:19:59 AM   
notxofast


Posts: 27
Joined: 10/27/2010
Status: offline 		Personally, I think it's a form of entertainment for some in the community to 'out' politicians for sexual 'misbehavior'. It makes great filler for the 6 o'clock news, and it's fun - for them. That said, there are two presidents who have admitted to smoking pot (although one didn't inhale) and they still got voted into office. And I could care less what Clinton did or didn't do with a cigar. It's none of my business. Someone also mentioned Shade of Grey. Americans of all stripes play around a little and it's no big deal. Fundies are probably the worst 'offenders' out there.

(in reply to littlewonder)
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RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/2/2013 8:03:01 AM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		Yes. And it was all good, because it; A. revealed my co-worker to be the parsimonious shrew she was, and B. my status among my male co-workers was raised immeasurably, and C. I got a date from one of the girls in accounting. Win-win all around.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to Poloboi234)
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RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/2/2013 8:13:38 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Poloboi234

Oside- never said I was "high profile" where do you get this? it's just a smart, and common fear to be weary of things. I guess it's arrogant to ask about this. Why do you think BDSM is so exclusive that only you can understand it? or understand the circumstances of someone else's life? if you were a soccer mom or on the PTA and BDSM was found out it'd be a big deal for your own life, in your town, and affect that status... oh, you could say, "We'll screw those people, they don't understand you..." but life, social status, and norms aren't that cut and dry. So those that can, please answer my question. Thanks.



I am tired of a lot of shit, but am not wary about my personal life. It is what it is. People fuck, and so fuck em.



_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/2/2013 11:04:40 AM   
Dyfrynt


Posts: 202
Joined: 4/19/2011
Status: offline 		Being outed is part of the game. If you are going to play, you have to be prepared that it could come out. If you absolutely cannot afford to be outed, it is foolish to get involved in the first place. Not that that has ever stopped anyone before. Just saying.

From the previous posts though, it doesn't sound like being outed is your real concern. Rather you, apparently, cannot decide whether you want to be in or out. This is a mindset that I believe will come around to bite you in the butt (and not in a good way) sooner or later. It is much more risky to be bouncing back and forth between in and out than it would be to either decide to stay in or stay out.

_____________________________________________________________________________
"Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts". Daniel Patrick Moynihan.

(in reply to mnottertail)
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RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/2/2013 1:40:18 PM   
Poloboi234


Posts: 61
Joined: 5/29/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Dyfrynt

Being outed is part of the game. If you are going to play, you have to be prepared that it could come out. If you absolutely cannot afford to be outed, it is foolish to get involved in the first place. Not that that has ever stopped anyone before. Just saying.

From the previous posts though, it doesn't sound like being outed is your real concern. Rather you, apparently, cannot decide whether you want to be in or out. This is a mindset that I believe will come around to bite you in the butt (and not in a good way) sooner or later. It is much more risky to be bouncing back and forth between in and out than it would be to either decide to stay in or stay out.

_____________________________________________________________________________
"Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not his own facts". Daniel Patrick Moynihan.





You're completely right. I've decided that for the sake of my profession, I have to be 'out' of the lifestyle thought it is something intriguing and fun. I guess form a psychological stand point this intrigues the hell out of me. Seeing what gets people to 'sub space' or playing or someone relinquishing control to someone else. To see that devotion, that need to be wanted or loved. I envy it really as I could never do that. I guess it was a way for me to just see the "other side" never engaged in sex or bondage sex, just role play, some control, paddling. I guess I was mild. I guess in my life it wasn't meant to be. I will still stay a member on this site and speak to people. But sometimes you have too much to lose, just the way it is... sad really. I wish society was way more 'open' than it is about sexuality. I'm just weird, wanted to observe, got intrigued, and started to seek about people on CL or this website. Dealt with about I'd say 13 subs, not too many, not too long, and non-sexual. I just see this all as fun or role play. But the reality is I didn't know all those people that well, or know everything about the males and females that I have dommed. So it is what it is. I like the fact that I gave it a 'shot' and didn't get relinquish myself to having sexual relations, or using it for dates. I stayed true for the most part to being a 'dom' and I learned the care that all entails. But it is done now. I guess, it's over.

I may be 'outed' later in life for the things I did during this last year. It's alright though. I don't regret it. I also don't think I'm that important to be 'called out' or that I was a dick or rude or mean, I was exactly as I said. I just realize this isn't good, or healthy for me. I guess i'm strange. I typed all this out to those of you on here to get a sense of clarity. I mean... I can't talk to my "vanilla' friends about this, anytime I have brought things up, long silence, they don't talk to me for a while, then we act as if it never happened or spoken about. Vanilla isn't a bad lifestyle.. it's just different. This was fun. But I guess I have to go. (besides the 2 people that I am, actually friends with that want me to 'role play' once in a while, it's done for me..) I just don't think after you cross the BDSM line, you can ever truly go "cold turkey" there will always be something to intrigue you to go back. I guess I have decided to never take on a 'new sub' at all. So that is it. I had to think, and weigh the options.

Thanks for this clarity, Oside, Ladypact, etc... thanks. ( I am overtly dramatic, I know, but the circles I am in, and the person I am known as... this would be considered some demon, devil, insane, sexual psychotic shit... even though we all know it isn't that...)

(in reply to Dyfrynt)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Have you ever been outed about BDSM in regular life... - 8/2/2013 2:35:24 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		I still think that because this is your second trip in the leaving the lifestyle circuit, that you could benefit from counseling with someone who is kink-friendly.

To simply state things: if it was easy for you personally to stay away, you would not have started this thread.
Given that, it might be helpful to have a counselor you could go to to discuss strategies for staying away (having a workable plan can be helpful), and also to be able to discuss it when the future urges hit you.





_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

(in reply to Poloboi234)
Profile   Post #: 19
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