A question to all. (Full Version)

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Thejaybird -> A question to all. (8/5/2013 2:40:18 PM)

For those who take the more dominant role in your relationship: How soon do you expect the more submissive person/people to trust you? Is your word law? Do you allow leeway to consider your sub's position on something? If not something previously arranged, how long would you wait?

For those in a more submissive role: If a Dominant person came up to you, would you feel comfortable by them immediately trying to take charge of you or a situation at hand in your first face-to-face meeting? If not, how long does it take for you to get there? How much control do you feel comfortable giving to them?



DesFIP -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 3:00:24 PM)

He took the leadership position immediately but in small things. He picked what restaurant we went to.

As far as anything else, he welcomed questions. He wanted me to feel safe with him and a large part of that is me knowing that he does make good decisions. So he explained why when I needed it. After a couple of years I only asked a question when I thought he might not have considered something. These days I rarely feel a need to challenge him.



evesgrden -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 3:01:39 PM)

For me...

Trust is a process, it is not an event. I will often tell a submissive that you trust someone in increments. You see how they handle that trust and then that gives you the strength and faith to trust them with more. If someone demands you trust them, all you can do is act "as if" you trust them, but trust comes from the experiencing someone such that youo know what you tell them and what you allow them will not be to your detriment. The confidence in that is a beautiful thing and it works both ways.

"You will trust me dammit" doesn't have anything to do with trust and everything to do with "shut up and comply; I don't care what you think". The latter has no place in an intimate relationship, or at least not in my world.

Well... actually it does, but not until real trust is established and the real fun begins!. };D
That however, is another thread....



hlen5 -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 3:04:18 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden

For me...

Trust is a process, it is not an event. I will often tell a submissive that you trust someone in increments. You see how they handle that trust and then that gives you the strength and faith to trust them with more. If someone demands you trust them, all you can do is act "as if" you trust them, but trust comes from the experiencing someone such that youo know what you tell them and what you allow them will not be to your detriment. The confidence in that is a beautiful thing and it works both ways.

"You will trust me dammit" doesn't have anything to do with trust and everything to do with "shut up and comply; I don't care what you think". The latter has no place in an intimate relationship, or at least not in my world.

Well... actually it does, but not until real trust is established and the real fun begins!. };D
That however, is another thread....


Ditto.



Focus50 -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 3:08:14 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird

For those who take the more dominant role in your relationship: How soon do you expect the more submissive person/people to trust you? Is your word law? Do you allow leeway to consider your sub's position on something? If not something previously arranged, how long would you wait?


If we're already in a D/s relationship, yeah, I'd expect we're well progressed in the mutual trust department.

My word is law? Seems an unnecessarily strict interpretation.... It's a D/s relationship - it has a hierarchy and it has rules but it also needs to be mutually fulfilling. Probably my only "law" is that I'll accept a valid reason but not an excuse for her not doing as she's told or expected. Actually, scratch "law" there, too, as it's more a "rule of thumb" - a guideline for myself....

Leeway comes under the aforementioned "rule of thumb". And that I've never found a sub's perspective on anything D/s related to be boring or uninteresting.

I don't understand your last question. Still, I'm not one to walk about with a stop-watch hanging 'round my neck. In that sense, time is measured by patience.

Focus.



Sheela22 -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 3:12:52 PM)

Life style? I think immediately ... He chose where to go , when to move in with him, if I should quit my job or not... I know when I argue he doesn't like it and enjoys to be in charge so I just let him make all the decisions and I follow his orders. Sex? Recently and I'm having problem with that to be honest. He decides when and how to have sex ( like i have waken up with him on top of me or him penetrating my butt, or he doesn't use lube because he doesn't like it , or he uses belt on me even though it hurts like hell ...) Hopefully we can communicate better and solve the problem.



DesFIP -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 3:14:45 PM)

As far as waiting for stuff, he could wait for the cows to come home and I still wouldn't be bisexual. I still wouldn't be able to do inverted suspension and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Sure he could restrain me and then do whatever he likes, but if it's bad enough, I'll lose trust in him.

Basically it isn't about you commanding her, it's about you inspiring her. About you demonstrating that you are a stand up guy whose word is his bond, in large things and small. A smart man who thinks things through and doesn't demand things she cannot comply with.

And to do that, you need to know her deeply. You need her to trust you so she will be vulnerable to you and tell you her secrets.

So how good are you at thinking ahead? How well do you run your life that you think you should also run hers?



Thejaybird -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 3:29:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird

For those who take the more dominant role in your relationship: How soon do you expect the more submissive person/people to trust you? Is your word law? Do you allow leeway to consider your sub's position on something? If not something previously arranged, how long would you wait?



I don't understand your last question. Still, I'm not one to walk about with a stop-watch hanging 'round my neck. In that sense, time is measured by patience.

Focus.


It's something I've noticed in a few relationships I've had that were D/s, and I'm not saying it's something that happens with everyone, or even often. I'm admittedly still very new to the lifestyle, but the last few boyfriends I've had dumped me because I wasn't willing to let them have control over certain aspects of my life or time that I wasn't comfortable giving up yet.



Blankpain -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 4:05:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird
How soon do you expect the more submissive person/people to trust you?


I expect them to trust me that I won't kill them, on first sight.
Then, after a few sentences, I expect them to trust me that I speak my mind.
After fifteen minutes, I expect them to trust me enough to talk about themselves.
Then, after a few days, I expect them to trust that I'm not an ax murderer.
After a few months, that I'm not a felon in hiding.
After a few years that I'm who I say I am at all times.

Point is, trust starts from the very second your eyes or words meet, and then progresses from there in a linear fashion.



NuevaVida -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 5:23:10 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird


For those in a more submissive role: If a Dominant person came up to you, would you feel comfortable by them immediately trying to take charge of you or a situation at hand in your first face-to-face meeting? If not, how long does it take for you to get there? How much control do you feel comfortable giving to them?

If he had immediately tried to take charge of me, I'd have immediately left.

It was a process for us. A very slow process, but one that happened organically, on its own time. It was one of those things where about 6 months into it I looked back in retrospect and realized just how much mastery he already had over me. As we grew more comfortable with each other, he slowly and incrementally took charge and I slowly and incrementally let go. We had to grow to trust each other, and it took time to realize we wanted to be life-partners.



DarkSteven -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 5:56:37 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird

For those in a more submissive role: If a Dominant person came up to you, would you feel comfortable by them immediately trying to take charge of you or a situation at hand in your first face-to-face meeting?


I will take charge of conversation at first. Nothing more.

If I were to try to order a stranger around, I could end up in a relationship with someone I know nothing about, and have responsibility for her actions. I have actually dropped someone from any further possibilities because she was willing to commit before she knew me. Can you imagine being responsible for someone that careless?



littlewonder -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 6:01:58 PM)

Master took control from the get go, from the first night we met...not because he's a "Dom" but because he's a naturally dominant personality. He takes control of situations. He never forced it on me. He never said "Kneel slut" or anything like that when he met me. He treated me like a normal personal, except that he lead from the very beginning...picking the place, ordering dinner, taking initiative, etc....it had zilch to do with bdsm.

Now had he come up to me and said "You are a slave and you will do what I tell you" then I would have laughed and went home and left him standing there.

It also had nothing to do with trust. It just had to do with the fact that I am a submissive personality. He's a dominant personality. I found him intensively attractive and confident and so I just had that draw to him for that reason.

ETA: As for his word being law..yup, in this household it is but we're not D/s, we're M/s and we have a total TPE relationship. Let me repeat that....we have a relationship. We've been together for many years now and it's what we are comfortable with. He does give leeway sometimes, depending on the circumstances and the situation. But it's still his decision on what to do with the information I provide.





kalikshama -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 6:37:41 PM)

quote:

the last few boyfriends I've had dumped me because I wasn't willing to let them have control over certain aspects of my life or time that I wasn't comfortable giving up yet.


I'd like examples. I don't want to jump to the conclusion that they had unrealistic expectations.

If I was seeing someone a month and he wanted control of my finances, pfft, later gator. If he wanted to control me while I was at work, we most likely wouldn't ever be compatible.

Right off the bat, B wanted to dictate what I wore during sex (and was willing to pay for it) and I had no problem with that at all. He insisted on monogamy and, although I am inclined towards poly, I was fine with that too.



SeekingTrinity -> RE: A question to all. (8/5/2013 7:09:55 PM)

Im a bit on the unique side, so I can actually answer both sets of questions from a personal perspective. None of this is one size fits all. It's very dependent on the person specifically.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird

For those who take the more dominant role in your relationship: How soon do you expect the more submissive person/people to trust you? Is your word law? Do you allow leeway to consider your sub's position on something? If not something previously arranged, how long would you wait?


I don't expect ANYTHING when it comes to a submissive's trust in me. They come to trust on their own terms. This is not my place to demand from them more than they can give at the time. I will not engage in anything physical with a person until they feel that there is a level of trust on their part...and I trust that their trust is genuine. How long do I wait? I wait until the waiting is done. i do not take trust by force or manipulation. Its given to me when its given. By no means do I consider my word law. It's a collaboration between my partner and myself.

quote:

For those in a more submissive role: If a Dominant person came up to you, would you feel comfortable by them immediately trying to take charge of you or a situation at hand in your first face-to-face meeting? If not, how long does it take for you to get there? How much control do you feel comfortable giving to them?


No, no one takes charge of me until I feel okay with it. Trying to strong arm me into giving up control before Im comfortable has me walking away without a second glance. It takes as long as it takes to get there. There is no magic number to give. It happens when it happens.

In the beginning, my partner and I had a basic trust in each other. We now have total trust in each other. We let things happen as it happened. We didn't force each other, nor did we expect it. It just happened organically.




JeffBC -> RE: A question to all. (8/6/2013 12:24:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird
For those who take the more dominant role in your relationship: How soon do you expect the more submissive person/people to trust you?

I have to admit I didn't really understand where you were going with this until the last bit.

Skipping past all the muddiness, a dom has to earn trust... period. He can do that as fast or slow as he is able but in the end it must be earned and the only arbiter of that is the person giving the trust. If you proceed forward with the fictional "BDSM trust" then what you've got is a fantasy waiting to collapse.

Is my word "law"? Carol and I love each other... a lot. I actively solicit her opinion because I value it. But yeah.. after the soliciting of opinions and me sorting out the final game plan then my word is law. It took us 3 years to get to that point AFTER we'd already been happily married for a decade.



crazyml -> RE: A question to all. (8/6/2013 1:35:19 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird

For those who take the more dominant role in your relationship: How soon do you expect the more submissive person/people to trust you? Is your word law? Do you allow leeway to consider your sub's position on something? If not something previously arranged, how long would you wait?


If we're already in a D/s relationship, yeah, I'd expect we're well progressed in the mutual trust department.

My word is law? Seems an unnecessarily strict interpretation.... It's a D/s relationship - it has a hierarchy and it has rules but it also needs to be mutually fulfilling. Probably my only "law" is that I'll accept a valid reason but not an excuse for her not doing as she's told or expected. Actually, scratch "law" there, too, as it's more a "rule of thumb" - a guideline for myself....

Leeway comes under the aforementioned "rule of thumb". And that I've never found a sub's perspective on anything D/s related to be boring or uninteresting.

I don't understand your last question. Still, I'm not one to walk about with a stop-watch hanging 'round my neck. In that sense, time is measured by patience.

Focus.

This' ll do nicely



sunshinemiss -> RE: A question to all. (8/6/2013 1:39:58 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Sheela22

Life style? I think immediately ... He chose where to go , when to move in with him, if I should quit my job or not... I know when I argue he doesn't like it and enjoys to be in charge so I just let him make all the decisions and I follow his orders. Sex? Recently and I'm having problem with that to be honest. He decides when and how to have sex ( like i have waken up with him on top of me or him penetrating my butt, or he doesn't use lube because he doesn't like it , or he uses belt on me even though it hurts like hell ...) Hopefully we can communicate better and solve the problem.


We call this assault and rape where I come from.



Thejaybird -> RE: A question to all. (8/6/2013 3:04:42 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

quote:

the last few boyfriends I've had dumped me because I wasn't willing to let them have control over certain aspects of my life or time that I wasn't comfortable giving up yet.


I'd like examples. I don't want to jump to the conclusion that they had unrealistic expectations.


Completely understandable. Bear with me here. I just got off a ten hour night shift so I may not make sense.

Two of the Dom's I had met had pretty much expected me to just heel at the get-go and I'd walked away, simple as that. But one I'd started a relationship had become (I assume) jealous of my best friend, whom I had no interest in. he's just been there for me for years. He was usually the first person I'd admit pretty much anything to. My partner at the time wanted me to stop spending as much time with him.

The other one just kept trying to push a few kinks I wasn't into and got frustrated that I wasn't as enthusiastic about it as he was. He eventually got tired of it and cut me loose.



Apocalypso -> RE: A question to all. (8/6/2013 6:00:00 AM)

I expect the last word, not the only word.



myotherself -> RE: A question to all. (8/6/2013 6:26:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Thejaybird


For those in a more submissive role: If a Dominant person came up to you, would you feel comfortable by them immediately trying to take charge of you or a situation at hand in your first face-to-face meeting?



It really depends what he was trying to take charge of. I had meetings with several potential dominant partners which never went past the first 'coffee date' because they were pushy, demanding and didn't understand that I'm not going to submit to the first warm body wearing a 'dominant' hat.

Master and I agreed (well, he agreed, I insisted lol) that we would wait until we really knew each other as people before the D/s came into the mix. That took about 3 months before he began to set in place certain rules and protocols, and about 6 months before we actually admitted we were well suited in a D/s way [:D]


quote:



If not, how long does it take for you to get there? How much control do you feel comfortable giving to them?


The control I gave him was very gradual - he decided what movie we would watch, what food I would cook, what I would call him, that sort of thing. After a couple of years we agree that he has the final say, that he will often ask my opinion about things and he trusts that there are some things I do better than him, and vice versa. Ultimately, he is in charge. The only areas he will not dictate are my job and my family. This is his choice, not mine (although I absolutely agree with him).




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