When the Ex Keeps Popping Up

When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Submissive

Message

TieMeInKnottss -> When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 5:36:53 AM)
My first Dom and I had a tumultuous time together. He introduced me to the whole master/slave concept and I was pretty internally enslaved (grinsthat is for JeffBC). We went back and forth for a while because he moved for work. Actually, I went back and forth because he states that he never released me. Recently, he moved back & keeps contacting me. That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it... My issue is that niggling feeling that I AM doing something wrong... Anyone else ever have that guilt over breaking your original commitment? That feeling that..he is kind of right? I know a lot of it has to do with the fact he was my first & he did a phenomenal job of getting into my head, identifying & establishing my "buttons-he established a lot of my beliefs on what a slave is & knows just what to do and say to get his desired response. At this point, I have stood up for myself..but honestly that is NOT my strong suit...so I don't know how long I can withstand.. I am a 'path of least resistance' person and usually can be persuaded to "see things the right way..". Sometimes I feel like a human Gumby that is being stretched 30 ways...trying to accommodate EVERYONE...

starlagurl -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 5:42:35 AM)
Yes, I have left a lot of relationships like yours. When it's not right, it's not right. You know it in your heart. If you have the feeling you want to get back together, you should. If you don't, don't. Nothing that he says can change your own instincts and feelings.

Spiritedsub2 -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 7:16:09 AM)
Honestly, I don't think this is an M/s issue. Are you certain you no longer wish to be in the relationship with him? When I read your OP, it felt to me like maybe you still want to be with him. I suspect if you really are finished, then the answer will be clear to you. Maybe it's too early in the morning, but that Paul Simon song "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" popped into my mind.

kalikshama -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 7:39:17 AM)
quote: Actually, I went back and forth because he states that he never released me. Recently, he moved back & keeps contacting me. That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it... My issue is that niggling feeling that I AM doing something wrong... "Not releasing" is an artificial constraint. Doing something wrong for leaving or staying? Despite my realization that I should leave, my (now) ex talked me into staying for years. I finally did and now (a few years later) I am with the man of my dreams.

njlauren -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 11:20:33 AM)
What is the guilt about? Do you feel guilty because according to what 'a slave is' only a master can break it up? Do you feel guilty because you know it won't work with him, but you still feel like you want to be with him? This isn't going to make me popular in some quarters, but an M/s is a mutual relationship and the purists can hem and haw all they want, but as such, both parties still retain ultimate power, they can leave (I realize there are slaves who thoroughly in their hearts feel once they commit, even if it goes south, they cannot leave and can only petition the M to let them go, and I respect that in their lives, but that is an individual choice). I don't know the details, but it sounds like when he moved away it died for you and quite honestly, it sounds like he let it die, too. In marital law there is the concept of abandonment, that if someone disappears for a certain period of time a divorce will be summarily granted, and the person who disappeared can't come back in 10 years and claim you are still married..obviously, M/s is not a legal thing, but if he moved away and in effect let it die, never maintained it, then it is like abandonment, and he has no right to claim perpetuity because he didn't release you. Again looking at the law as an analogy, if someone owns a copyright or patent and doesn't defend it against people using it without paying royalties, they can't go back later and claim infringement (Xerox tried that with Apple Computer with the Mac OS interface, the mouse, hypertext, all which came from their research labs, they never defended their patents and 15 years later tried to sue, and lost). I think the only way people can truly answer is for you to say what the guilt is about:)

angelikaJ -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 1:42:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss My first Dom and I had a tumultuous time together. He introduced me to the whole master/slave concept and I was pretty internally enslaved (grinsthat is for JeffBC). We went back and forth for a while because he moved for work. Actually, I went back and forth because he states that he never released me. Recently, he moved back & keeps contacting me. That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it... My issue is that niggling feeling that I AM doing something wrong... Anyone else ever have that guilt over breaking your original commitment? That feeling that..he is kind of right? I know a lot of it has to do with the fact he was my first & he did a phenomenal job of getting into my head, identifying & establishing my "buttons-he established a lot of my beliefs on what a slave is & knows just what to do and say to get his desired response. At this point, I have stood up for myself..but honestly that is NOT my strong suit...so I don't know how long I can withstand.. I am a 'path of least resistance' person and usually can be persuaded to "see things the right way..". Sometimes I feel like a human Gumby that is being stretched 30 ways...trying to accommodate EVERYONE... You are sending mixed signals within your post: 1) That is NOT my issue..I know how to deal with it... 2) I am a 'path of least resistance' person and usually can be persuaded to "see things the right way..". It really doesn't sound like you know how to deal with it, if #2 is a factor. Why did you end things? What were the compelling reasons a the time? re: Sometimes I feel like a human Gumby that is being stretched 30 ways...trying to accommodate EVERYONE... Work on your boundaries. In life, you can't be accommodating to everyone. To try is crazy-making. In this situation, what is the right course of action for you? Don't consider your former (or any present) involvement(s) you may have. What is the right course of action for you?

Kana -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 2:20:38 PM)
Actually I would guess this is less actual guilt and more just that slave mentality of wanting to please others.[8D] But to answer you anyhow, nah, no need for guilt.What happened happened.He could have not moved. He could have found a way to take you with him,or do LDR for a period. And aren't you exploring a new relationship now anyhow?Shouldn't you be hot and heavy in the new boy land state of mind...

DesFIP -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 2:34:52 PM)
Have your lawyer send him a cease and desist letter stating that any further contact will be grounds for a restraining order. You don't have to be the one to tell him to go to hell. In fact you shouldn't, because responding shows he's getting to you and will encourage him to step up the pressure.

littlewonder -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 3:24:10 PM)
I've never felt I did anything wrong in my past relationship to destroy it. Yes, there were things that happened that we both did that destroyed the relationship but I don't feel any guilt over it. After our breakup, about a year later we ran into each other but I felt nothing towards him. I was indifferent to him, still am. I just look at it as a bad relationship and moved on with life.

DarkSteven -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 3:33:29 PM)
Have your current Dom contact him and order him to knock it off.

Kana -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 3:57:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven Have your current Dom contact him and order him to knock it off. Noooooooooooo. She's a big girl. Let her put on her big gal panties and go do the dirty work. No freaking way do I get involved between exe's. That shit's on them. I have enough wreckage self created in my life, I don't need to be taking hers on too. Rescuing-yeah, a good way to get shot.

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 5:02:36 PM)
Ok... I got some great advice from everyone here but I spent part of the day thrashing it out with one good friend who pretty much nailed it all down. @Kana and DS-- Malcolm's answer was "tell him he blew it and I am not as stupid. If he doesn't get the message, tell him to call me...your possessive boyfriend who collects guns & did a HS science project on how to make a glass of water explode"... I had already done this except for the part about calling him... No, Kana was actually pretty on target with the "slave mentality and wanting to please others" comment.. I am not torn by NOT being with him..I am torn by having to have to make anyone unhappy with me. Hey, if polygamy was legal, I would have ended up married at least 3x because I never wanted to break up a relationship or tick someone off! I suck at confrontation and standing up for myself..I am very easy to pushover and charge through. (Except at work where I am known as "hell on heels") Like, I said thanks everyone...but the "Dom Dr Phil" pretty much made me see sense.

starlagurl -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 5:08:39 PM)
So, what are you going to do?

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 5:08:45 PM)
O quote: ORIGINAL: njlauren I think the only way people can truly answer is for you to say what the guilt is about:) The guilt is about..being raised in a traditional immigrant Spanish family and 20 years of Catholic indoctrination that basically says... "You breathe ..therefore it is your fault that there is a hole in the ozone"!

TieMeInKnottss -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 5:13:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: starlagurl So, what are you going to do? Give myself the ok to move on and not feel like I owe him for what he did for me at one point in time... I have gotten good at just deleting anything from him...feel a lot less guilty when I don't read how horrible of a person I am

starlagurl -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 5:15:23 PM)
Got it. Good job. Make a decision and stick with it! I wish I could be better at doing that too.

Kana -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/10/2013 8:27:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss quote: ORIGINAL: starlagurl So, what are you going to do? Give myself the ok to move on and not feel like I owe him for what he did for me at one point in time... I have gotten good at just deleting anything from him...feel a lot less guilty when I don't read how horrible of a person I am Hey,he got his. That he walked away from it is on him. You owe his ass nada. As in zip, bupkus, zero, nothing. That he's laying guilt trips ex post facto indicates that it may have been a good thing things when down as they did.

kiwisub12 -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/11/2013 8:55:42 AM)
OK - OP - you need to google "copdependency" and "intrapersonal boundary issues". It sounds as if you have problems with them both.

angelikaJ -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/11/2013 10:19:51 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss Ok... I got some great advice from everyone here but I spent part of the day thrashing it out with one good friend who pretty much nailed it all down. @Kana and DS-- Malcolm's answer was "tell him he blew it and I am not as stupid. If he doesn't get the message, tell him to call me...your possessive boyfriend who collects guns & did a HS science project on how to make a glass of water explode"... I had already done this except for the part about calling him... No, Kana was actually pretty on target with the "slave mentality and wanting to please others" comment.. I am not torn by NOT being with him..I am torn by having to have to make anyone unhappy with me. Hey, if polygamy was legal, I would have ended up married at least 3x because I never wanted to break up a relationship or tick someone off! I suck at confrontation and standing up for myself..I am very easy to pushover and charge through. (Except at work where I am known as "hell on heels") Like, I said thanks everyone...but the "Dom Dr Phil" pretty much made me see sense. While I can relate, I still don't see it as a slave mentality issue. I see it as a life unmanageability issue. You want a manageable life? Stop thinking that everyone will be happy with you (and there won't be any conflict) IF you can just make everyone happy. Find a therapist who can help un-doctrinate you.

NuevaVida -> RE: When the Ex Keeps Popping Up (8/11/2013 10:57:29 AM)
Yes the ex owner dude persistently contacted me, said I would always be internally enslaved to him, and kept trying to dominate me. It was a very confusing and horribly stressful time for me. He refused to respect my requests to leave me alone. So I marked any incoming email from him as spam, blocked him on CM and YIM, deleted him from Skype, and stopped answering any incoming calls I didn't recognize. It took about 6 months total for him to stop contacting me. I knew, hard as it was, that was the only route for me to take.

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875