quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking
Man, not much empathy for people trapped in some sexless hell here, huh?

quote:

Jeff post 177: So my other question. How would you rate my score on my initial post. In a perfect world I'd like to be neutral-ish

quote:

Hill post 177: I'd have rated it neutral. Without the comment about the profile, I'd have rated it positive.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam
To LadyP. I can see your point there but I just feel that it is hypocritical to rip someone to shreds because "Cheating is the most evilest things on the planet and 'once a cheater always a cheater' (How many times have we heard that here?)" but have as one of your best buds a person who admits to having done it in the past. I dare say that you may look hard enough and find one or more of those 'past cheaters' who are joining in the lynch mob.
Is it evil unless it's your friend that did it (who by the way is the only person in the world who has ever been rehabilitated from such crimes)?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Extravagasm

quote:

Jeff post 177: So my other question. How would you rate my score on my initial post. In a perfect world I'd like to be neutral-ish

quote:

Hill post 177: I'd have rated it neutral. Without the comment about the profile, I'd have rated it positive.

But lets look entirely differently: CM has a TOS against drawing negative attention to a members profiles. ... But throughout, moderator(s) neglected their own rule against negative attention to a members profile. Note to Hill, hmmm the Moderators themselves appear pretty much female.

quote:

But then I read your profile where you are hoping to cheat on your wife and I realized any method I might recommend is well beyond your capabilities. The way I did it was by being what generally might be called a good person.

quote:

Man, not much empathy for people trapped in some sexless hell here, huh?

quote:

Sometimes, I go downtown and see homely old guys (like....like....me) coming out of a peepshow. A lot of them have wedding rings on.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam

By then, he had already been called every name in the book because of a 9 year old profile that was NOT part of the OP.

I tried to respond to this thread early this morning but after about two hours, I had to delete my post because I didn't want a gold note. Read the OP's profile and journal entry and take everything in context and you might see why the red flag was waved. Women have a different experience here at CM than men do; thousands of married men who have cold wives and need discreet relationships send us mail and try to talk us up in chatrooms.

The OP has been here 9 years off and on. His profile spells out what he had been seeking before he came into the boards with a different game plan. Whaddaya think he was doing while he was here? He wasn't just reading in the boards. My guess is that he was doing what most unhappily married guys do...got some cybering, some phone sex, did some BDSM roleplay, maybe had several meetups in a motel for trying this out in r/t, and doing his best to find a "discreet" relationship.

My ex-husband is unhappily married and obsesses about finding some discreet relationship on the side. He's in his 50's, feels like he's in his mid 30's, and cannot understand why the women students at his local jr. college don't return his (leering) smiles and he cannot get a date. He thinks one of these women should fall madly in love with him, enough so to be his dirty little secret...and yeah, he wants her to have her own job, her own nearby apartment, to be grateful for the emotional crumbs he could throw her...and for her to wait for him until he can get a divorce. Before the divorce, he plans to wait until his youngest kid (he has four) turns 18. This potential new girlfriend would need to wait 12 long years and during this time her entire life would have to be on hold...she couldn't have kids with him until after the divorce...he wants to start a second family after his first one is over with. Like I said, he's wondering why women aren't throwing themselves at his feet.

My ex-husband doesn't come to CM, but he looks at every woman like she's a possibility. Goes out of his way to talk with them and make them smile, and the women who smile back at him...he starts plotting to get her into his bed. The only reason why he hasn't cheated on his wife...has been because of women. My disapproval, as well as women refusing to start a relationship with a married cheater. Maybe these women are just very aware that karma can bite them in the ass, picturing themselves married someday and their own hubby cheating on them. Maybe they just have too much pride to become a very low priority to the love of their life, to endure disrespect, jealousy, loneliness, endanger their lives in some cases, etc., just to become his dirty little secret.

There are so many unmarried men out there, why would a woman with an ounce of self-preservation be stupid enough to...um...start down a road that will only lead to heartbreak? I can't blame the women who avoid all of this messy drama, choosing only to date men (especially ones their own age) who are NOT married. If I had a buck for every unhappily married guy who whined about not being able to easily snag some (younger, always horny) pussy on the side...I'd be a millionaire. (The OP asked what he was doing wrong in his journal entry and I'm just throwing my opinion at the wall to see if anything sticks.)

I feel sorry for those who have had their spouse "get religion" and use it as an excuse to end their sex life. They're in the wrong denomination if they think God meant for marital sex to be only about procreation. Anyway, I feel for ya.

To the OP, who doesn't seem to be part of his local BDSM scene, not part of a MAsT group, and hasn't been reading from the message boards for long...

Educate yourself with something other than just online. Read The Loving Dominant by John Warren, SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, and When Someone You Love is Kinky. Join a MAsT group and see if a munch group in your area will eventually invite you to their dungeon or to private play parties. You can talk with others, watch some demonstrations, and hopefully, if you've had a long honest talk with your wife, and if the two of you have read When Someone You Love is Kinky, she might come with you out of curiosity and just to...understand her mate better. If your munch group and MAsT group is anything like mine, there will be lots of people over 40 and with health issues. She might make a few friends who will encourage her to come to you with her problems, as well as with possible solutions, so that the two of you have a better chance of hammering out something that will work for the both of you.

Personally...I would understand and be more receptive to working on an issue if my guy came to me with, "I love you very much, but I am suffering...because I NEED more sexual intimacy." Find out what, from her perspective, is getting in the way of her wanting/needing more sex with you. Find ways to remove the obstacles, or to get around them. If it would be helpful I can get you a link from the other kink site, Fet, to a group of kinksters who find ways to do our thing in spite of disabilities. Yanno, kinksters do have regular vanilla sex sometimes...but at least WE are sensible enough to build (or buy) "sex furniture" when we need it. My knees are too f*d up to stand up for long periods of time, so when I want to use a strapon on my mate I chain him to a padded swing and then I sit in a chair. My hands can get the swing rocking if I merely tug a little on the chains. We have another, lower, narrow bed type swing if I want to have sex with him but ride on top.

I have asthma. When I went on the pill several years back, it gave me dozens of blood clots in my lungs...so I've lost 25% of those. A guy's weight on top of me triggers my asthma. Other sexual positions and sex facilitated by specifically made furniture has been helpful.

To help you get what you want from the woman or women in your life, I highly recommend your going to Amazon.com or Ebay and getting a two book set called Light Her Fire and Light His Fire, and another book set called For Men only, and For Women Only.

I've known many women over the years who have shut down sexually within their marriage, and each time the same reasons came up. It wasn't health, nor boredom; it was...feeling a lack of emotional intimacy and a lack of...trust.

Best wishes to you both.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Domnotlooking
Man, not much empathy for people trapped in some sexless hell here, huh?

quote:

I gave some support and a good resource to sort his head out on page one because, well, been there, done that.

quote:

It's not a man or woman issue. Statistically, as many women are likely to be caught in a passive aggressive clusterfuck of denial as men are.

While not a 110% laudable, I do find it completely understandable that a guy might do a little internet grazing while he slowly twists on the wind and dies inside. I know I did. I think a lot of the moral posturing past around page 6 is trying to justify a pile on without all the facts in hand. The OP certainly did himself no favors here with his badly told tale, (BUT:)

quote:

I need more details about the marriage before I condemn this person. He may be trapped with her due to her health insurance situation. That's what happened to me.

quote:

And it is important to note that he has not in fact cheated (as in dick in pussy) yet. Is this like in the Judge Dredd movie where we convict people BEFORE they commit a crime?

quote:

He's just another lonely horn dog who needs to sort out his sexless marriage FIRST and then go get some kinky fun later.

quote:

Hanging offense? I don't think so.

And for balance, I get that a lot of women here have been run around and lied to by married, closeted perverts, so I understand the anger.

quote:

But my principal instinct in reading his thing was 'there but for the grace of god, go (or went) I'.

quote:

If you haven't walked the sexless marriage walk, it's hard to get how crazy making it can be.

quote:

Anyone still reading should check out the online support group "I live in a sexless marriage".

quote:

The insights therein can change lives. I hope the OP sorts himself out.

quote:

ORIGINAL: evesgrden


He's been on this site for about 10 years (interesting that he removed that info after I mentioned it). He's had experience.

But his wife knows nothing.


How can someone be into something like this, and keep it secret from their spouse of 30 years, but have this not be deceit? Furthermore, his post says he looking to bring a slave into his life and how can he get his wife to ok this... meanwhile his profile is looking for squeeze on the side.. and he'll pay for some of her expenses maybe.

Sounds like we've got someone who has tried to cheat unsuccessfully, but couldn't get anyone to take him up on his offer.. other than whoever it was he's gotten his experience with. Yeah that. Experience.... but there's been no cheating? 10 years on this site, but there's been no deceit? Seriously?

Now he wants suggestions as how he can get this wife to ok a third kinky party, but he didn't say word one about seeing if his wife might consider it herself. That's not even an option? This I think is folly, but it's not deceitful. For all he knows, she thinks he's dull as can be in the rack, and if he'd just grab a fistful of hair and plant one on her that makes her knees buckle, fireworks would go off for both of them. She doesn't know any of this exists, and he hasn't so much as given her a playful swat on the butt? He hasn't so much as tested the waters with some rasslin', some verbal teasing that she's been a bad girl? AFTER 30 YEARS?

As for me defending the author of the other post, what was there to defend? First thing she did was go to her husband. He said no. She'll live with it, but he's still freaking out over it. Her deceit was..... what?

Deceit is the only thing I take issue with in all this. When there's deceit, no one can make an informed decision about their partner and whether they want to be involved with them or not.

As for your theory, if some sweet slave thang came on the site, said she was moving to be with some guy who's married to a woman who's got asthma so their sex life sucks, but he's wonderful and she'll work nights so she can be available to suck him and have nooners with him... do you really think she could post that here and come out unscathed? Or if she were doing that to HER spouse?

Lying to your partner... that's what gets folks up in arms. If the person who's doing the lying writes about it, they're gonna hear about it.

quote:

Some of them are borderline but if you see the word "Scum or Slime or unethical or douche" it's pretty cut n dried. and if you see things like "wait 3 months and try it again" I call that helpful hints.
The funniest part of my search was 2 posts referred to playing cards.
They didn't get included in the results LOL.

FWIW, here's my methodology.

Search "cheater" any gender specific words such as husband or wife weren't used in the search as they would skew the results.
Draw a grid with:
Female subject, male respondent +
Female subject, male respondent -
Male subject, female respondent +
Male subject, male respondent -
F/M neutral
F/F neutral
M/M neutral
M/F neutral

The first letter is who the post is about, second is who is responding and the +/-/neutral is the tone of the response

With 100 posts, you'd expect to see a dozen in each block because a few would just be off topic like card playing.

Then you look for patterns.
Are males more critical of males or females or neither?
Are females more critical of males, females or neither?

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

quote:

Some of them are borderline but if you see the word "Scum or Slime or unethical or douche" it's pretty cut n dried. and if you see things like "wait 3 months and try it again" I call that helpful hints.
The funniest part of my search was 2 posts referred to playing cards.
They didn't get included in the results LOL.

FWIW, here's my methodology.

Search "cheater" any gender specific words such as husband or wife weren't used in the search as they would skew the results.
Draw a grid with:
Female subject, male respondent +
Female subject, male respondent -
Male subject, female respondent +
Male subject, male respondent -
F/M neutral
F/F neutral
M/M neutral
M/F neutral

The first letter is who the post is about, second is who is responding and the +/-/neutral is the tone of the response

With 100 posts, you'd expect to see a dozen in each block because a few would just be off topic like card playing.

Then you look for patterns.
Are males more critical of males or females or neither?
Are females more critical of males, females or neither?

Could you please either reference your results or restate them again?

quote:

Domnotlooking (no matter where comes from) Post 247: Sometimes, I go downtown and see homely old guys (like....like....me) coming out of a peepshow. A lot of them have wedding rings on. I'm good with that. You?

quote:

cloudboy Post 249: That's quite an image and a question. Good response to what "trapped" means. As Solzhenitsyn said, "A man who's warm doesn't understand a man who's cold."
I do agree with your point. Why dump all over an aging married person with unmet needs? Why turn the problem into either / or, cheating or not cheating, "you made marriage vows," and lying or "telling the truth?" All too often these are the default responses. Why, too, is there so much prudishness about extra-marital affairs?
One of my favorite movies is ONE TRUE THING. There's the great scene where Rene Zellweger (the daughter) confronts her mother (Meryl Streep) about her husband's (William Hurt) infidelities. The daughter is appalled. She thinks her mother is naive / stupid -- and that her dad played her. The Mother's response is both unconventional and surprising. She had the true art of long-term marriage down.

quote:

Spiritedsub2 post 253: ^^^ this is an amazing, insightful, compassionate post. And the Solzhenitsyn quote concisely sums up everything I would have said about this thread. . . . I have counseled dozens of aging married people with unmet needs (divorce lawyer).

Condemning one spouse for not telling the other spouse everything one is doing behind the other's back is forcing on both what they may well NOT WANT: the end of a lifetime marriage and a single old age without the secure structure they've know for most of their adult lives. Family, friendships, identity are built on these marriages.
Many . . . in the . . . position of OP's wife want to be shielded from husband's outside activities to preserve their sexless but otherwise satisfying marriages. The black and white condemnation I've read all over this thread has really disappointed me in so many people.