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Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/11/2013 7:01:35 AM

TeaseAndSpankMe

Posts: 25
Joined: 4/14/2013
From: St. Pete/Tampa Bay Florida
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Hi there, I met someone recently and we both are interested in each other. He is newer to the lifestyle and has attended a couple of munches. He is a single parent with sole custody of two daughters ages 10 & 16 (all his family resides in another state). As for me, I do not have children & not seeking any, but am perfectly fine if a partner does.

I am looking to hear how others deal with this lifestyle & dating as a single parent. He mentioned that he would love for me to come over, but that his girls are needy of him at home. My concern would be if he were only always wanting to come to my place, which I will share with him when we see each other tomorrow. (he has never been to my place & so far we have only met out in public to get better acquainted)

So, would love to hear how others have managed this as a single parent.

Post #: 1

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/11/2013 7:13:50 AM

SoulAlloy

Posts: 2106
Joined: 8/23/2009
From: Preston, UK
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It depends on what you both want really - do you want a relationship or a play partner?

I'm a father with shared custody of my son. I don't usually introduce my son to a partner until I'm sure of them, and can look out for any potential crossfires/arguments/hold ups. Any partner I have though it is very important to me that they meet and that we can spend vanilla time with me as well as kinky time alone.

I'd say go easy and don't push too hard, but show an interest certainly. Finding time to be alone can be difficult sometimes, but I would say strive for that as well so there is a balance between the two.

And I guess perhaps most obviously, bear in mind that the kids will always be a priority, and a lot of life will be planned around them.

If however you're both just after play and you don't want him around your house all the time, then consider local dungeons, events and hotels as alternative venues

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RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/11/2013 7:32:02 AM

kalikshama

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I agree with the above poster that he should not introduce you to his kids until he is sure of you, which likely rules out his place for the time being.

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RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/11/2013 9:53:22 AM

TeaseAndSpankMe

Posts: 25
Joined: 4/14/2013
From: St. Pete/Tampa Bay Florida
Status: offline

Thank you SoulAlloy & kalikshama for replying. I am not looking to meet his children right away & also believe that they should be his priority.

Just trying to hear how others have dealt with a similar situation. We both are open to a relationship as things progress...not just play. :)

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Post #: 4

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/11/2013 10:04:49 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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Being a single parent doesn't mean his kids don't have sleep overs, at friends and at family.
If he can set up a sleep over once a month, then you could meet at his place those times. Or if your schedules are sufficiently flexible that you can meet during the day occasionally.

But yes, if you don't ever want him to come to your house, this won't work.

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RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/11/2013 10:11:04 AM

TeaseAndSpankMe

Posts: 25
Joined: 4/14/2013
From: St. Pete/Tampa Bay Florida
Status: offline

Thanks for responding DesFIP, but all his family is out of state, but I certainly hope both children would do a sleepover on the same night at a friends! lol

But, I never said I would never want him to come over...I just wouldn't want that to happen exclusively. I have never seen anyone who had sole custody of their kids with all family out of state. Usually, there is co-parenting arrangement, etc. But, am curious to hear about others experience in this situation.

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Post #: 6

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/11/2013 11:55:35 AM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

Im a single parent who does have family in the area, but the father hasn't ever been in the picture. My child is the same age as your guy's youngest. It's entirely possible to date a single parent successfully. But it's different in a lot of ways than dating another single person...Im sure you understand why.

You guys are very new just yet. Right now, it's too early to worry about who is spending more time at who's place. You don't want him at your place exclusively. He seems to also not want you exclusively at his place...and he has 2 very good reasons why. When you are a parent, the decisions you make affect someone else's life as much as it affects your own. I don't blame him. I don't introduce my child to every person I date either.

So you have to respect that his home is his children's safe haven. It's their home too. His first obligation is to his children's well-being. It has to be. For now, you guys will have to be willing to go to places like hotels or public play spaces if your homes are off limits. That can prove costly, so be aware of it. It's possible to move past this, but it needs time and patience. Do you have that? It's going to take understanding to not back a single parent into a corner where they feel like they have to choose between their children and you. That too takes time and patience because the kids have to have time to get used to the idea of dad sharing his life with them and someone else. Are you down for that ride?

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Post #: 7

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 7:17:17 AM

descrite

Posts: 459
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Kids need to learn their parents are people, and that includes the face that their parents are sexual beings (proof: the kids themselves....but kids are dumb, and that rarely occurs to them).

It would also be helpful for our society that kids come to understand that parents are fallible, and dating is difficult, and not everyone finds a 20-year relationship after a first date. So meeting multiple potential parent-partners is healthy for the whippersnappers.

It's also best that kids learn they are not the center of the universe. We indulge children far too much already.

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Post #: 8

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 7:40:07 AM

kalikshama

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Joined: 8/8/2010
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I suggest not introducing dates to kids until one is sure of the relationship because kids can get attached easily and then hurt when it doesn't work out. This might be ok for the 16 yo but not for the 10 yo:

quote:

It would also be helpful for our society that kids come to understand that parents are fallible, and dating is difficult, and not everyone finds a 20-year relationship after a first date. So meeting multiple potential parent-partners is healthy for the whippersnappers.

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Post #: 9

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 7:45:51 AM

KnightofMists

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I can't begin to suggest what you should be doing. I have never been a single parent but have four children with one of my slaves. I can tell you that being a parent affects choices you can make in many aspects of ones life's as you can imagine. I suggest that the only place you really are going to find the answer to your questions is talking to him. No one has the same situation and the situation will have a huge impact on what you need to do

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RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 7:47:56 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
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FR~

I agree with both sides of the argument regarding kids.

If the kids were really young, I'd say they must be isolated from too many 'other' introductions.
But as descrite points out, kids also need to learn that the world doesn't just revolve around them.
And at 10 and 16, they aren't little kids that need to be molly-coddled and wrapped in cotton wool.

Personally, after a few meets, I would arrange a family day out somewhere (maybe a picnic or something?) where everyone at least gets to see everyone else in a neutral place - just to see if there is any sign of animosity.
I have seen it all too often where the kids are completely shielded until there is a relationship happening and it all falls apart because one or both kids take an instant dislike/hatred for the new partner.
This sort of hurdle needs to be sorted out before the relationship starts getting anywhere near serious enough to be called a relationship.
Vanilla or BDSM doesn't even figure in the scenario because that is strictly between the adults.
Being together as a (potential) family unit, isn't - that's a whole different ball of wax.

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Post #: 11

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 7:52:44 AM

lizi

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When I became a single parent 7 years ago, I went to a psychologist who suggested that when I began to date that I did not introduce the dates and my two adolescent boys. Her explanation was that they'd already seen a major relationship failure with the end of my marriage, and didn't need to see more of the same. She also said that if I met someone that I began spending time with regularly and that the relationship was steady and likely to be around for some time, then I should introduce my kids to him so the boys could see with their own eyes who this person was, and that I was safe with him.

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RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 8:07:50 AM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

When I became a single parent 7 years ago, I went to a psychologist who suggested that when I began to date that I did not introduce the dates and my two adolescent boys. Her explanation was that they'd already seen a major relationship failure with the end of my marriage, and didn't need to see more of the same. She also said that if I met someone that I began spending time with regularly and that the relationship was steady and likely to be around for some time, then I should introduce my kids to him so the boys could see with their own eyes who this person was, and that I was safe with him.

There is a problem with that advice. On the whole I agree with it. However, sometimes the interaction with the kids and the prospect can have a decided impact on if one wants the person in there life or wants have a steady and consistent relationship with the person. I guess I am saying before jumping in the pool, get alittle water on and see if it works... But before splashing around... Change out of the street clothes into something more appropriate. Meeting the kids is a big deal.... Maybe not deal maker and shouldn't be. But they sure can be a deal breaker.

Note... I say his as someone that lives a poly lifestyle and has brought people into our life. Some I did it wisely... Some not so much.

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 8/12/2013 8:09:37 AM >

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 13

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 8:12:51 AM

descrite

Posts: 459
Joined: 5/14/2012
Status: offline

quote:

I suggest not introducing dates to kids until one is sure of the relationship because kids can get attached easily and then hurt when it doesn't work out.

Gosh. And kids getting their fee-fees hurt would be the worst thing in the world.

Worse than, say, their parent not finding happiness with another adult.

quote:

Her explanation was that they'd already seen a major relationship failure with the end of my marriage, and didn't need to see more of the same.

Why not? If their mother is actually going through this process, it would be invaluable as demonstration to them how difficult it actually is to find a suitable life partner. What kind of shrink/idiot wants to model behavior for kids that is strictly in the realm of fantasy? One date....Partner! Here, kids-- this is your new stepparent. I know you've never met before...and they are the first adult romantic interest I've introduced you to...but that's how adult dating works. It's magical!

Also: Santa Claus.

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Post #: 14

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 8:45:39 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
When I became a single parent 7 years ago, I went to a psychologist who suggested that when I began to date that I did not introduce the dates and my two adolescent boys. Her explanation was that they'd already seen a major relationship failure with the end of my marriage, and didn't need to see more of the same.

I didn't say to introduce them right off the bat.
I said.... after a few meets and it seems to be going somewhere.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
She also said that if I met someone that I began spending time with regularly and that the relationship was steady and likely to be around for some time, then I should introduce my kids to him so the boys could see with their own eyes who this person was, and that I was safe with him.

Pretty much what I suggested.

And as Knight said.
It might not be a deal maker but it sure can be a deal breaker!

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Post #: 15

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 9:28:54 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

When I started dating Master he was a single father with sole custody of his two sons, 9 and 19. I didn't want to meet them straight away because in the beginning the relationship was about finding out if Master and 'worked' together. So he didn't mention me to them, and I didn't want to meet them either. He'd come over to my place, which was fine.

As time went on he started to drop my name into conversation at home, so that by the time I met the boys they knew about me, and a bit about who I was.

I didn't want to meet them until I was sure that Master and I had a future together. I work with kids in a socially deprived area and I know how hard some kids can take it when mum or dad has a new partner for a few months, the kids start to bond with them and then suddenly it's all over. Once or twice, you can kinda understand it. Over and over again - it's not fair on the kids. And his kids were the priority.

Now we all know each other and are comfortable around each other, we will be moving into a new house together as a family. It's been a bit of a bumpy ride, but definitely worth the effort

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Post #: 16

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 1:28:27 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TeaseAndSpankMe

Hi there, I met someone recently and we both are interested in each other. He is newer to the lifestyle and has attended a couple of munches. He is a single parent with sole custody of two daughters ages 10 & 16 (all his family resides in another state). As for me, I do not have children & not seeking any, but am perfectly fine if a partner does.

I am looking to hear how others deal with this lifestyle & dating as a single parent. He mentioned that he would love for me to come over, but that his girls are needy of him at home. My concern would be if he were only always wanting to come to my place, which I will share with him when we see each other tomorrow. (he has never been to my place & so far we have only met out in public to get better acquainted)

So, would love to hear how others have managed this as a single parent.

Practically, I think you have to accept the kinky times will occur at your place. The logistics/costs of him to get both kids out of his house at the same time really preclude the notion of expecting him to do that on a regular basis. If you reach the point you want a full relationship and want to meet his children, you should probably expect anytime you go to his place one or both of the kids will be there and you don't be doing anything kinky.

what is your concern of him coming to your place?

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Post #: 17

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 5:46:06 PM

Anatolium

Posts: 32
Joined: 7/22/2013
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Kids don't belong.

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Post #: 18

RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 5:49:14 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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The same way I handled any kind of dating when I had a child living at home. When I went out on dates she either stayed somewhere else so I could bring men home or she stayed home and I went to their house or a hotel for the night.

And then the older she became the less I worried about it because like I told her, one day she would be grown up and gone and I would be on my own. It's my turn to live my life again. And if eventually, I was dating them long enough and I would have them spend time with my daughter. If eventually they didn't hit it off and it caused tension with the relationships of both with me then the relationship ended.

Thankfully she liked Master a whole lot so we had zero problems.

Just because someone is into bdsm doesn't mean the dating and children stuff somehow becomes different. It's not...at all. Not even a tiny bit.

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RE: Single Parenting & BDSM - 8/12/2013 5:55:07 PM

littlewonder

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kids don't belong?? HUH?

So people with children should never ever ever date ever again????

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