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angelikaJ -> RE: What would you do? (8/14/2013 2:46:06 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: descrite
quote:
It just made me so angry how he completely ignored the OPs pains.
As the OP did so, I didn't feel the need to differ.
Want to know what's weird? You're ignoring her partner's pain.
In a 180 from another recent thread, responders hear one side of a story and side completely with the OP (as opposed to the OP's partner) by making assumptions or ignoring data that might contribute to understanding more. Just from reading the thread, I don't know:
- The OP's age
- Her partner's age
- Her partner's financial situation
- Who financed the move cross-country
- What promises were made prior to the move
- What agreements were made in terms of the relationship (quids for pro quo)
- What kind of play has taken place up until now (aside from some very specific items that have no other context, i.e., "no-lube anal")
- Who was expected to finance the trip to a cross-country wedding on New Year's Eve
- What the partner does for a living, and whether this could allow for time off at year's end
For giggles (NOT because I'm making assumptions, but to demonstrate how lack of data can skew perspective), let me post a theoretical converse OP:
Hi. I'm a young, new dom, totally infatuated and besmitten with my new sub. We got in touch via the Web only a few months ago, and really hit it off. We did a lot of flirting and talking via messages and email, then onto the phone (and terrific Skype sex!). She's really amazing, and loves everything we do.
I've just finished school, and have a good job, but I'm working real hard (50 hours+ per week) getting myself established and paying back my student loans. But we love each other, so I wiped out my savings moving her out to live with me. I hope to marry her next year, when I'm a bit more established.
My problems:
1) She wants to go to her friend's wedding back on the other side of the country for New Year's. I had not budgeted for the move this year (again, we only met a few months ago), and I really, really didn't budget for a cross-country trip for two; I had no idea something like that was coming up. I'd like to do something nice for Christmas (it will be our first together), but I'm already wiped out, and roundtrip airfare for two from coast to coast is out of the question, and forget about all the travel expenses. She doesn't have a good job yet, and I'm shouldering all the living expenses, so she can't be expected to cover the costs of the trip. I really don't want her to see me as weak and vulnerable, so I didn't just tell her that. Like a dumbass newbie dom, I just gave her an impossible task, instead, with the wedding trip as a "reward," hoping she'd fail or decline...but I think I've just hurt her feelings, instead. What should I do? I really love this girl, and don't know how to show her.
2) I have made some missteps in our interactions, sexual and otherwise. We'd always talked about no-limits interactions, and she calls herself a painslut, but I'm new to most of this, and while I'm doing my research, she's asking for things I haven't really been familiar with...and I'm trying things I've never done before, because I've liked the idea of them for so long and feel like I finally have a partner with whom to explore them. For instance, we were having sex the other night, and she told me she wanted me to "ram it up her ass." We'd never done that before, but she was really wet, and she asked me to, so I did...but it ended up causing some slight bleeding. She told me she loved it, and she seems to have had an orgasm from it, but it kinda freaked me out. Should I continue to do these things, even though they're scary and new?
3) When we were communicating earlier in the relationship, she made me feel great. She told me how she couldn't wait to get out here, and all the things she wanted us to do together, and how her whole life centered on me and making me happy. Well, within two months of her arrival, all she does is complain, and ask for way more than I have to offer. Before she arrived, I told her how I'm struggling to establish myself, financially and otherwise, and how I limit my recreation to going out twice a month. She was totally behind me on this, and talked about how we could find so many fun things to do at home together, and that's what she really wanted. Now, though, she wants to go out every night, and will complain if we don't go out at least twice a week(!!), and I am freaking out about the cost as well as the fact that I have to get up early for my commute. She complains about everything, from my house to the way we're having sex, to the way I dominate her. She was so supportive and loving before she moved out here, and now she just seems to mock and vilify everything I try to do for her. I'm at a loss-- how do I approach this?
edited two hours later: She's gone. I came home from work today, and she's not here anymore. She completely left me, out of the blue, without even talking about it. I feel so empty and numb. I feel like I'm dead on my feet. I'm having a tough time typing right now.
break-break. End hypothetical OP.
I think that post doesn't conflict with anything Actual OP has posited. I think perspective is important. I think half a story is no story. I think biases on this board skew the collective conversation unilaterally to significant degree. And I think lack of experience and communication skills make new doms as vulnerable as new subs, but with an added layer of responsibility and onus for carrying the relationship.
Gosh, did I ignore the poor little sub's feelings?
Well, who stepped up to consider the dom's feelings?
Instead of even asking for deeper explanations, this board has leapt to suggesting calling law enforcement on the poor bastard, which would result (in many states) in branding him a sexual offender, and destroying his career (possibly before it's even begun), thus crushing not just the relationship (which OP already did, in secret) but his whole life. Instead of even considering there was more to the story, this board branded him abusive and worse.
Sweet Jesus on a pogo stick, people-- you're reacting like the same Puritanical dipshits who would castigate us for the things we choose to do which make us happy: taking specific acts out of context and drawing alarmist conclusions from them.
For shame. Shame on us all.
Apparently you missed the other thread the OP posted in.
Your hypothetical directly conflicted with everything she said.
He is not a new dom.
She had never engaged in any type of BDSM before, so how can she be some type of pain slut or sub for that matter?
They were in a completely vanilla relationship and she moved to be with him.
He told her he wanted to engage in BDSM with her and told her they were going to have their first session.
Their "first session" involved beating her without a warm up.
He then had anal sex without using lube (because he needs to feel resistance and also because in his opinion "lube is "gay").
She had bleeding he could see and he did not stop because her pain was such a turn on for him.
They only one taking things wildly out of context is you.
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