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AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Learning from Real Doms and Subs (8/16/2013 2:44:30 AM)
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Hi Rebecca.
It's great that you have tons of questions and want to learn. This one might not get you the kind of answers you are hoping for though, since it is incredibly vague. It's kinda like asking someone 'what are relationships like? How does a boyfriend act?'
How does he treat me? Very, very well. I wouldn't be with someone who didn't treat me well, and the same should be true of anyone with any self-worth, dom, sub or otherwise. Now treating someone well looks different in every relationship: some people need lots of romance and lots of time together, others need plenty of space and independence. Some people won't be happy without an intense debate across the dinner table whereas others want a partner who shares their outlook on the world. Do you see my point?
In our relationship it looks like this: We're married with a child. We have a family business so sometimes we work together and often we trade out shifts - one of us working while the other stays home. He is the boss, and has the final say, but we don't have dozens of rules. He has certain expectations and within that I have a lot of freedom. I like to be active in service - as in, not just waiting for an order, but trying to anticipate what would make his life a little better (some people don't like this). I make a lot of the household decisions because he doesn't want to weigh in on everything, but he can take over any decision he chooses. We're low protocol - which means I don't have much in the way of rituals or customs, very little formal behaviours. Hmmm, that's hard to explain - hopefully someone with higher protocol can explain better.
We do have a punishment dynamic, though it doesn't replace communicating like adults about any problems that arise. Communication has been key and we have changed and adapted a lot since we started seven years ago. Kinky play time is somewhat limited for obvious reasons but we enjoy it when we get the chance.
But the most important thing, the thing that makes it work, is that we are both on the same team. There's no point scoring, or grudge-holding. We are both 100% committed to making it work and making sure we both get what we need. That means if a rule isn't working, we change it. It means if he needs to do the dishes and the laundry because I'm sick or working, he does. We don't get hung up on labels or how doms and subs are 'supposed to' behave - we just do what works. Our biggest mistake in the early days was unrealistic expectations of how things would work, based largely on a year or so of long-distance relationship which left plenty of time for fantasising together about how it would be. Reality required some adaptations.
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