seeking a "good" dom's input

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princess4Sir -> seeking a "good" dom's input (11/15/2004 7:38:20 PM)
why do so many doms make promises that they can't and/or don't intend to keep? more than once i have begun exploring a relationship with someone who without me asking, tells me we will have daily contact - by phone, by email, by messenger - i am a sensitive and vulnerable person (which i wish i could change but haven't had much success) so when they fail to follow through, i am hurt i am mature enough to know that there are always situations that can arise that would prevent the communication at any given time, but not time and time again - i have found that it not usually an attempt to "let me down easy" - it's just that he does not feel the importance of following through and that as the dominant, he is entitled to do as he pleases and i am at a loss when it happens - do i tell him that i am disappointed? or as a submissive, should i just accept it and go on? in the past, i have pretty much just accepted it, but i find that this ultimately makes me feel like i am being treated as a doormat - and i know i deserve better - am i asking too much expecting a dom to be a man of his word? it seems i have been searching forever and i have become very disheartened - are there really any fine, upstanding doms left in the world?????

Yankeestick -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/15/2004 9:29:27 PM)
Hi princess4sir - I believe you are asking your questions honestly. But I think the answer to them is right here in your profile. quote: I am happily married but unfulfilled as my husband does not share my interest in this lifestyle. I am not looking to change my marital situation or anyone else's. Discretion is of primary importance. See, I'm one of those "good doms" - and for sure not the only one here. And precisely because I am, I don't want to be a player - though it's a quick ticket to some fun and games. I don't want to cuckold some poor schmuck who doesn't know his wife has a need for "discretion" as she seeks to walk our her calling to be a submissive, a slave, or whatever. I'm not saying this to judge you for your choices, but rather to make it clear to you that you are actually, by those very choices, tending to attract men who are going to be emotionally dishonest - because that is the way you are (apparently) behaving in your primary relationship. That's just how the law of karma works - by whatever name you want to call it. There are a number of ways to solve your problem, but none of the solutions are cheap. It's costly to act with integrity - sometimes very costly indeed. I've known women in your situation who've been able to keep their marriage intact by explaining to their husbands that they absolutely needed to get this psychic need met - and their husbands have come around - and either joined their wives or allowed them to have a dom outside of the marriage. And I've know women for whom a choice cost them their marriage. And it's not a woman's problem, particularly. There's another thread active right now where a maledom is struggling with a similar problem. The big picture, IMO, is this: becoming true to my own nature, and having personal integrity, really aren't two different things. They're different facets of one thing. And I think that's true regardless of gender (gay, straight, bi, transgendered, whatever), role (top, bottom, dom, sub, switch, master, slave), or basic lifestyle interest (BDSM/vanilla/swinging/polyamory, whatever). It's a journey, and you're on it - and so are we all. We compartmentalize it in our heads (sometimes) but those compartments really don't exist. Best wishes on your journey - Yankeestick

EStrict -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/15/2004 10:21:36 PM)
I have to agree with Yankee on this. I have a really good married friend who wanted to explore her submissive side. Naturally her husband wouldn't understand. I love her dearly, but told her that even though I would always support her as a friend, I would not support her decision to break the vows she made to her husband. Eventually, she was honest with him. He accepted the fact that she wouldn't seek a divorce for a few more years because of joint financial obligations and needs of their children as long as he accepted she was going to explore. Not perfect, but certainly better than not being honest. After all,,, what she was seeking was a dominant she could trust to be honest with her... and how could she truely expect that when she was being totally dishonest honest with her main relationship? I am not judging you... I am just hoping you might see that when you are asking people to join you in a relationship that is being dishonest in another part of your life, you may tend to draw those who have no problem with dishonesty.....

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/15/2004 10:25:34 PM)
Amen! Am not a "Dom", but couldn't agree more with Yankeestick's statements/feelings/advice. Ms M Excuse the peeking in Gentlemen.

Sylverdawn -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/15/2004 10:51:45 PM)
Claps

TaurusMCMLVIII -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/15/2004 10:52:54 PM)
quote: why do so many doms make promises that they can't and/or don't intend to keep? Doms haven't cornered that market (yet). People in general may also fall into that category. Don't give up yet. There are honest Doms. They are just a little harder to find. I'm not sure why that is the case. Sometimes I think it may be characteristic of online communication. The anonymous aspect of being online allows people to become something they are not and not be as honest as they would be in face to face communications. This isn't a justification for doing that but rather just an observation. It takes time to develop a "method" to weed out the "fakes" quickly and to recognize sincerity. quote: i am a sensitive and vulnerable person (which i wish i could change but haven't had much success) so when they fail to follow through, i am hurt I understand you have tried to changed and perhaps you never will (I'm not even sure it would be a good thing anyway since sensitivity can be a good trait when kept in its proper perspective). But in order to stay online and continue your search, you will need to develop a "thicker skin." Just remember to try and not take it so personal. Take everything typed by a faceless person with a grain a salt. Until that faceless person initiates a more personal method of communication (phone, face-to-face meeting), just consider it as a fun way to begin the process of discovering who the person really is. quote: and i am at a loss when it happens - do i tell him that i am disappointed? or as a submissive, should i just accept it and go on? in the past, i have pretty much just accepted it, but i find that this ultimately makes me feel like i am being treated as a doormat - and i know i deserve better - am i asking too much expecting a dom to be a man of his word? A submissive is not a synonym for doormat. A submissive does not have to accept everything without question. A submissive does not mean keeping your mouth shut. A submissive does not mean you don't deserve and expect respect. Speak your mind and don't lower your standards.

TaurusMCMLVIII -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/15/2004 11:10:29 PM)
quote: I'm not saying this to judge you for your choices, but rather to make it clear to you that you are actually, by those very choices, tending to attract men who are going to be emotionally dishonest - because that is the way you are (apparently) behaving in your primary relationship. That's just how the law of karma works - by whatever name you want to call it. Yankeestick does make many good points that you should take time to examine thoughtfully. Though I may have some slight differences of opinions. Although your husband does not share your interest, it is not clear whether he knows the depth of your interests or your actions to explore your submissive side without his knowledge. If he does then I think you are taking the right approach. Your profile is very honest and clear regarding your situation. I understand the need for discretion even with your spouse knowing of your activities. I am in a similar situation. I have interests in BDSM as a dominant and wish to explore it. My wife doesn't share the same interests. So in order to protect our family, I do insist on discretion and have many of the same limitations you have stated. This type of situation does make it harder to find the right Dom/sub relationship but I believe it is possible. If your spouse isn't aware of your intentions to explore BDSM then we do differ. I am fortunate to have a very strong marriage with open communications and an understanding wife which allows me to explore my interests in a safe and discrete manner. It was the best path for me to take. But I also understand that every situation is not black and white. Many have numerous shades of gray and only you can decide what is best for you. It appears you have the right attitude about it so I am incline that you understand the risks. Thus it may be your best path to take. Just take it slowly with deliberation to ensure it is the safest route.

princess4Sir -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 4:01:30 PM)
i think that most everyone has missed the point of my question - i was merely asking why people do that (to which i know there is no answer) and whether i should accept it or acknowledge my disappointment i was not asking for a character assessment of myself or my situation - and i feel that some bad things were said and/or implied about me by people who don't know me - and that those remarks/implications were completely unjustified and uncalled for jmo....

princess4Sir -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 4:02:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TaurusMCMLVIII quote: why do so many doms make promises that they can't and/or don't intend to keep? Doms haven't cornered that market (yet). People in general may also fall into that category. Don't give up yet. There are honest Doms. They are just a little harder to find. I'm not sure why that is the case. Sometimes I think it may be characteristic of online communication. The anonymous aspect of being online allows people to become something they are not and not be as honest as they would be in face to face communications. This isn't a justification for doing that but rather just an observation. It takes time to develop a "method" to weed out the "fakes" quickly and to recognize sincerity. quote: i am a sensitive and vulnerable person (which i wish i could change but haven't had much success) so when they fail to follow through, i am hurt I understand you have tried to changed and perhaps you never will (I'm not even sure it would be a good thing anyway since sensitivity can be a good trait when kept in its proper perspective). But in order to stay online and continue your search, you will need to develop a "thicker skin." Just remember to try and not take it so personal. Take everything typed by a faceless person with a grain a salt. Until that faceless person initiates a more personal method of communication (phone, face-to-face meeting), just consider it as a fun way to begin the process of discovering who the person really is. quote: and i am at a loss when it happens - do i tell him that i am disappointed? or as a submissive, should i just accept it and go on? in the past, i have pretty much just accepted it, but i find that this ultimately makes me feel like i am being treated as a doormat - and i know i deserve better - am i asking too much expecting a dom to be a man of his word? A submissive is not a synonym for doormat. A submissive does not have to accept everything without question. A submissive does not mean keeping your mouth shut. A submissive does not mean you don't deserve and expect respect. Speak your mind and don't lower your standards. thank you for your responses - they are very helpful and i will certainly give them more thought

wetrope -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 4:48:23 PM)
Princess Well there appears to be just as many subs who break promises whether phone calls, emails, or messages, say they want to meet and dont, or want to meet yet have 400 excuses at the ready. In this the bdsm scene, there are many wannabees, like to bees, just be careful and watch out for the killer bees. Sorry hon for the pun.

jillwfsub4blkdom -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 5:15:09 PM)
This is my opinion only. i hope i do not offend. you talk about qualities you are seeking in a Dom. Qualities you find desirable and honorable but yet as others have pointed out you are married and seeking something that is clandestine. i find that a little bit at odds myself. i also am a very sensitive person and have high expectations of others. When they fail to meet those expectations, i move on. i don't necessarily think that the other person is bad. They might not hold the things they say to the same importance as we do. i don't think your expectations will change either and am not sure that you would really want them to. Gentlemen pardon me from butting into Your forum. jill

princess4Sir -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 5:38:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jillwfsub4blkdom you talk about qualities you are seeking in a Dom. Qualities you find desirable and honorable but yet as others have pointed out you are married and seeking something that is clandestine. i find that a little bit at odds myself. why do you assume it is clandestine? edited to add: thank you for your other comments - i'm afraid i got stuck on the first paragraph of your post and failed to read through it

princess4Sir -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 5:41:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: wetrope Princess Well there appears to be just as many subs who break promises whether phone calls, emails, or messages, say they want to meet and dont, or want to meet yet have 400 excuses at the ready. In this the bdsm scene, there are many wannabees, like to bees, just be careful and watch out for the killer bees. Sorry hon for the pun. thank you sir for your response - i suppose i already knew that but i was having a particularly frustrating time last evening when i posted the question and i just thought with so many learned doms on this site that someone could shed some light on the subject for me and thank you for not condemning me as so many others have seen fit to do since i state in my profile that i am married and that discretion is important

RealityFix -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 6:01:09 PM)
The problem you are seeing here boils down to a basic Dom tbing. Ownership in a primary relationship is what we take seriously. You come legally pre owned,so you won't be taken very seriously. Sorry, but the best you are likely to attract is a "service Top"......And those sorts aren't exactly "serious" anyhow. Regards,Terry

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 6:25:19 PM)
sorry people I was not drunk, and didn't do that, I walked away from my computer, and my 2yo son took over... I apologize as it looks like I was way drunk or seizing, lol Ms M

stef -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 6:33:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig sssdxsssssxxxssssssddddsssssssssssdddddddddddddddrrre yytruuuuut hgjjjg kktthhhhjyyhu9iiuuuuuoooooooiiiiiiilllllo ooooopppppo[[[[[[[[[ppppp[[[[[----[[[oooppppiuikkkuuuujjjjyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuoiiiiiiooooooooipppooooooppppooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooob] How do you pronounce that? ~stef

MasterDerek5 -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 6:37:56 PM)
Dear princess4Sir, I am very sorry that you have become so disheartened. Giving yourself to someone else is a wonderful gift and this gift should be respected. You have every right as a submissive and even a slave to expect a dominant to cherish what you give of yourself. A D/s relationship should take your breath away and always keep you filled with life. Pleasure, pain, punishment, gentle teasing, erotic games or being teased and frustrated and denied orgasm, what you do does not matter but how you are made to feel is the most important thing. You need to be fulfilled, whatever that means to you is something for your dominant to figure out and supply. A dominant is not just someone to spank or beat someone, erotic control comes with great responsibility. I do not know you well enough to tell you what to do... but if you are unhappy about anything you owe it to yourself to bring this up and use open communication to speak with your dominant. If you do not have open communication you do not have a real D/s relationship in my opinion. Your comments are dittoed in every corner of every site and forum I visit as well as many people in real life. I make it a point to help everyone I can so please feel free to contact me, I have very large ears and broad shoulders so I'll be glad to let you lean on my shoulder and talk all night long. A slave's submission is a terrible thing to waste... Regards, Master Derek

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 10:15:10 PM)
LMAO; I'll have to ask my 2yo son... apologies... Ms M

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/16/2004 10:20:45 PM)
Princess, you're gorgeous; I'm really very surprised you haven't found a man who wants the exact type of relationship you seek? I run into more than my share of men that want discrete play(though I'm a Domme)... I think It's just the married thing/needing discretion are problematic for a lot of folks... The truth is there is a LOT of flaky people (subs and Dom/mes) who simply don't have the integrity or backbone to be honest. Sorry if we all sounded too judgemental. Good luck, Ms M

Lordandmaster -> RE: seeking a "good" dom's input (11/17/2004 12:52:19 AM)
People who promise things they know they can't deliver are basically lying. And people lie because they are too weak to tell the truth. (Often they deceive themselves by dressing their lies up as something less than lying, but that's only because they are conflicted about being dishonest.) In a way, you should be glad when it turns out that someone has promised more than he can live up to. It tells you that that person can't be trusted even if his intentions are good--and something like that is good to know. Lam Edited to add: Gorgeous avatar, princess.

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