RE: Mono vs poly?

RE: Mono vs poly? (Full Version)

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njlauren -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/1/2013 10:52:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC I disagree but you clearly have very strongly held beliefs in this area. In the end, though, our actual reality belies your theory and in such cases... well... see my sig line. The key word there is 'our actual reality'..if you find in your world that works, that is fine, but mine is based on real world studies and also personal experiences of myself and others. Mine isn't theory, it is born out in real world facts that make reality....and tell me, how does your reality belie what I am saying? Are you saying you were once a gay man and converted yourself? Are you saying Carol was a hard core man hating dyke who made herself fall for you? Claiming 'our reality belies your theory' holds no water, since your reality may very well not be reality for everyone else.

Toucan -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/1/2013 11:35:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss Beyond the "it is the master's right..." Are you (or when you were looking) interested in only monogamous relationships or were you ok with someone who expresses a desire to be in a poly dynamic? I am talking about "serious" relationships not just dating more than one person or being "open" I have always been adamant that I am strictly interested in one on one.. I don't share well and I have some very firm convictions on human nature. It is not my cup of tea; however, it seems to be something for which many dominants express a desire.. Sorry...I have been questioning whether I can stay in this lifestyle..Yes, I know it is all about finding the "right" match but sometimes it just seems that some things I am unwilling to compromise on are the exact things that the majority of others are also unwilling to compromise on but from the other end... Hmm? Any amount of deception should be a deal breaker, because some who willfully lies and is prone to doing so, is simply someone you cannot trust. BDSM takes a ton of trust, so it is simply insane to associate with a "master" or "mistress" that is a liar. When it comes to poly or mono, the two simply do not mix. Sure, maybe as friends, but that is it. A mono will always have a desire for a mono relationship, and a poly will always desire to have a poly relationship. Even if a mono tries to please a poly, or a poly tries to please a mono, in the end, the fundamental differences in instincts will tear them asunder. Sometimes, it is best to make rules, and steel your heart against those tempting "exceptions" to the rule that will always break your heart. Accept no compromise, ignore all criticism that tries to pressure you into making a bad decision for you. P.S Learn about neurological types, as you will see the reason for the "bait and switch" among a portion of poly's...

angelikaJ -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/1/2013 5:00:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Toucan quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss Beyond the "it is the master's right..." Are you (or when you were looking) interested in only monogamous relationships or were you ok with someone who expresses a desire to be in a poly dynamic? I am talking about "serious" relationships not just dating more than one person or being "open" I have always been adamant that I am strictly interested in one on one.. I don't share well and I have some very firm convictions on human nature. It is not my cup of tea; however, it seems to be something for which many dominants express a desire.. Sorry...I have been questioning whether I can stay in this lifestyle..Yes, I know it is all about finding the "right" match but sometimes it just seems that some things I am unwilling to compromise on are the exact things that the majority of others are also unwilling to compromise on but from the other end... Hmm? Any amount of deception should be a deal breaker, because some who willfully lies and is prone to doing so, is simply someone you cannot trust. BDSM takes a ton of trust, so it is simply insane to associate with a "master" or "mistress" that is a liar. When it comes to poly or mono, the two simply do not mix. Sure, maybe as friends, but that is it. A mono will always have a desire for a mono relationship, and a poly will always desire to have a poly relationship. Even if a mono tries to please a poly, or a poly tries to please a mono, in the end, the fundamental differences in instincts will tear them asunder. Sometimes, it is best to make rules, and steel your heart against those tempting "exceptions" to the rule that will always break your heart. Accept no compromise, ignore all criticism that tries to pressure you into making a bad decision for you. P.S Learn about neurological types, as you will see the reason for the "bait and switch" among a portion of poly's... You have a very singular way of looking at the world. I was involved in a poly relationship 2002-2004. I was happy. I am now in a relationship in which I am strictly monogamous to [my] Master. He is non-monogamous with me. The relationship is over 4 years old. I am not torn asunder. Sometimes dynamics and orientations are simply relationship specific. edit: clarity

KnightofMists -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/1/2013 5:26:24 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Toucan When it comes to poly or mono, the two simply do not mix. Sure, maybe as friends, but that is it. A mono will always have a desire for a mono relationship, and a poly will always desire to have a poly relationship. Even if a mono tries to please a poly, or a poly tries to please a mono, in the end, the fundamental differences in instincts will tear them asunder. Please define what you consider is monogamy and what is poly. I don't agree with your opinion here... But maybe your definitions change my stand on this.

SerWhiteTiger -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/8/2013 10:35:43 PM)
Had to take a break from this to recollect myself and think about things a bit. Sorry for being a bit douchey. Too heavy on the intuition and it sometimes takes me a while to figure out wtf I mean by what I'm saying and why. ;) quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger The entire point of monogamy is jealousy and possessiveness. Wow really? Whodathunkit? Do you have any idea how jacked up and offensive that statement was. Dude, I'm struggling to say this in a way which does not earn me a gold letter. I try not to keep the mods too busy. But you are blatantly ignorant of that which you speak. There is no "point" to monogamy for me. I find a woman. I bond with her. I no longer see other women as "possible mates". Nobody is making me be monogamous. Nobody really could make me do that (you know, that whole "dominant" word that gets tossed around here so frequently). You can believe whatever jacked up things you want about monogamous folks but really it's just your your lack of understanding and empathy thinking of anyone who is "not you" as "defective". Yes, I know exactly how jacked up and offensive that statement was. It's exactly as equally jacked up and offensive as much of this thread is to me. That was most of my purpose in making that statement, I think,to try to get people to understand how their words about polyamory were affecting me, and you'll notice that I didn't bust out with it until asked directly. What I said was true... about my idea of monogamy. And you see it as offensive, because you identify as monogamous and assume that if I use the word, I must be including you. You see, in my idea of monogamy and polyamory, a person can be poly even if they are exactly the sort of person you described. The difference between the two isn't your own desires, it's in how you treat the people you love. So, you have no interest in others when you've bonded with someone. But how would you behave if you fell in love with and bonded with a woman who did still have interest in having other relationships after bonding with you? Would you try to restrict her to monogamy, or would you allow her to be poly? If you would try and restrict her, what are your motivations? If you would not, you're poly in my book, even if you have no interest in pursing multiple relationships for yourself.

SerWhiteTiger -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/8/2013 10:41:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tazzygirl quote: The entire point of monogamy is jealousy and possessiveness. There's plenty of that in people in poly too. People without those qualities are poly by default IMO. I strive to not have those qualities (while owning a slave lol). I also believe that monogamy is very unnatural and has been forced on our culture by the church for the last few millennia. Understand that it originated in a time when women were little better than slaves in actuality. A rich harem girl lived a much better life than a year 105 farmer's wife, so the church had to force people to get out there and be monogamous or the wife/slaveless farmers would riot I cant disagree more. Monogamy is a choice, just like poly is. I cant force a man to be monogamous. He could do as he pleases, even if I dont know about it. I have been in poly's... I have been monogamous. All depends on the relationship and what the individuals want out of it. Not everyone is designed to have multiple partners. Having a gay relationship is a choice. Being gay is not. Having a monogamous or polyamorous relationship is a choice... You're talking about the action and I'm talking about the heart.

SerWhiteTiger -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/8/2013 10:42:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: OrionTheWolf ~FR~ My girl has been reading along on this topic and mentioned earlier that she might like a sister-slave if they were the right person. I told her not no but hell no. Too much going on right now and I would need to think it through for a long while. Mono or poly has nothing to do with it as much as looking our for my sanity. Obviously, monogamy is the Master's prerogative...

SerWhiteTiger -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/8/2013 10:47:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 Fast reply: I think this thread proved somewhat useful if you want to hear arguments for or against mono or poly. Nothing will change my mind about how I only desire to be with one partner when in a commited relationship or why the next person thinks poly is the bees knees. There are no arguments here to win or lose. Neither side is going to be swayed, whether the argument is religious, brain wiring or you think it is a Dominant's right to be poly. That last bit about a Dominant's right to be with multiple women? That is the one I call bullshit on. Is it the Dominant's right to choose to be monogamous when their sub wants to be poly? It's the same thing.

JeffBC -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/9/2013 7:05:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger Yes, I know exactly how jacked up and offensive that statement was. It's exactly as equally jacked up and offensive as much of this thread is to me. Wow dude. I don't know what to say to that tos I'll just let it go. Do you usually revel in falling to the least common denominator? quote: The difference between the two isn't your own desires, it's in how you treat the people you love. nods everyone is entitled to their own definitions. That one would be very ... uh... unworkable for me because I treat the people I love consistently no matter what and this that you're talking about is only a side-effect. quote: So, you have no interest in others when you've bonded with someone. But how would you behave if you fell in love with and bonded with a woman who did still have interest in having other relationships after bonding with you? Would you try to restrict her to monogamy, or would you allow her to be poly? That would depend on what I thought was best for the relationship/marriage. I like maximum win. quote: If you would try and restrict her, what are your motivations? Because I thought it'd be negative to the relationship/marriage. quote: If you would not, you're poly in my book, even if you have no interest in pursing multiple relationships for yourself. Interesting definition and I can't argue with how you wish to use the word. What I can point out is that if you insist on using it that way you're going to confuse a LOT of people you talk to. Why? Isn't the point of communication to... uh... communicate? This thing you call "poly" I call "love".

SerWhiteTiger -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/9/2013 12:30:20 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC Interesting definition and I can't argue with how you wish to use the word. What I can point out is that if you insist on using it that way you're going to confuse a LOT of people you talk to. Why? Isn't the point of communication to... uh... communicate? This thing you call "poly" I call "love". Okay, but how do you distinguish between the actual acts of monogamy and polyamory vs the mental attitude and thinking that leads one towards one or the other? I mean, I identified as polyamorous for almost a decade before I was ever actually in a polyamorous relationship, simply because I could not imagine why I would want to restrict someone I loved in that way or why they should want to restrict me. Should people say that I'm not polyamorous until I'm doing it? How is that different from being gay but not being in a relationship? Are you not gay until you actually do it? I don't think most of us would agree with that.

SerWhiteTiger -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/9/2013 12:32:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JeffBC quote: ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger Yes, I know exactly how jacked up and offensive that statement was. It's exactly as equally jacked up and offensive as much of this thread is to me. Wow dude. I don't know what to say to that tos I'll just let it go. Do you usually revel in falling to the least common denominator? No, not normally. I was responding to a direct question, and I'll admit that I did a poor job of it. I had been trying to avoid bringing it up until I was asked directly.

OrionTheWolf -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/9/2013 3:05:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger And you see it as offensive, because you identify as monogamous and assume that if I use the word, I must be including you. He likely found it offensive because you used a definitive, speaking about monogamy and not saying "most", "some" etc. You also used offensive words to describe it. Every communicator must take some responsibility for the tools they use to communicate, and in this case the tools are words. quote: So, you have no interest in others when you've bonded with someone. But how would you behave if you fell in love with and bonded with a woman who did still have interest in having other relationships after bonding with you? Would you try to restrict her to monogamy, or would you allow her to be poly? If you would try and restrict her, what are your motivations? If you would not, you're poly in my book, even if you have no interest in pursing multiple relationships for yourself. If you fall in love with someone that has something you do not like you either accept it or reject it. That is not difficult. If you reject it because you prefer one on one, then that is a preference. You seem to want to assign some nefarious or negative reasons. When someone does that they are trying to convince you that a certain way is the true way. What you are missing is that some here are saying they are mono because they prefer it that way. Just like with any other preference, it is what they like. The closest I may be to poly is when and if I decide to take ownership of another girl. That is my preference for many reasons, but mainly I prefer to place my energy into just one, and to split that energy into two would likely cause more grief and stress than prefer to have. For whatever reasons, it is about preference.

NiceAnimal -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/9/2013 5:19:35 PM)
I say, completely forget the terms, or what others opine. Just do what feels right for you. If what your in doesn't feel right, don't do it. If it starts right, but then feels wrong, stop. In the end, emotions in relationships are more valuable than sex, sex is just a tool/activity. Human relations are the gold. If people want poly, cuckold, cuckquean, whatever that's fine. But they should choose that role taking on the basis of emotional intelligence, and self-awareness, because it makes them more whole, not because of sex or allure, or worse, because of uncorrected baggage.

littlewonder -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/9/2013 6:34:31 PM)
quote: Would you try to restrict her to monogamy, or would you allow her to be poly? If you would try and restrict her, what are your motivations? If you would not, you're poly in my book, even if you have no interest in pursing multiple relationships for yourself. I would end the relationship. We're incompatible. Doesn't matter if we have bonded or not. No one ever said relationships were easy whether staying or leaving. But sometimes you have to do what's best for both parties even if that means walking away.

ForeverGaia -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/9/2013 8:32:43 PM)
Poly here.... it works for us - two women and one man. He's the head of the house, his wife is vanilla and I am his slave. I am lucky to adore his wife like she does me.

NuevaVida -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/9/2013 9:00:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder quote: Would you try to restrict her to monogamy, or would you allow her to be poly? If you would try and restrict her, what are your motivations? If you would not, you're poly in my book, even if you have no interest in pursing multiple relationships for yourself. I would end the relationship. We're incompatible. Doesn't matter if we have bonded or not. No one ever said relationships were easy whether staying or leaving. But sometimes you have to do what's best for both parties even if that means walking away. Yep, this. We talked long ago about if he ever felt the need to be poly, he should let me go so he can pursue it. I wouldn't hold him back from what he wanted/needed, but I wouldn't be able to go there with him, either. I've always just said if he wants two women, he should have two women, but one of them would not be me.

JeffBC -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/9/2013 9:46:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SerWhiteTiger Okay, but how do you distinguish between the actual acts of monogamy and polyamory vs the mental attitude and thinking that leads one towards one or the other? This is a somewhat confusing question to me. I know you didn't mean it that way but it seems like a "trick question". The simple answer is that I look inside myself and therein I see someone who defaults to a single attachment but perhaps might consider something else under really, really, really, really exceptional conditions. I am never one to slap a simple label on a complex human and think it somehow captures the truth. I say I am "dominant" because in most situations with most people I am. In other situations and with other people I am not. Sometimes I'm not... sort of... even with Carol. I tend to see nuance and complexity rather than black & white clarity. I label myself monogamous because that is the default choice... just as I label myself dominant because that is the default stance. quote: I mean, I identified as polyamorous for almost a decade before I was ever actually in a polyamorous relationship, simply because I could not imagine why I would want to restrict someone I loved in that way or why they should want to restrict me. Perhaps this is the answer to the above question then. It never occurred to either Carol or I that this was a restriction.

SunTzuSwe -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/9/2013 11:22:05 PM)
I find it interesting to see how something like this can cause so much debate. It should be pretty simple matter? If you can't be happy as poly you find a monogamous partner and if you need a poly lifestyle to find happiness you find a partner who is fine with that. Many people can be happy in either type of relationship so there might be some flexibility and a grey area but really, it's about both people being able to find happiness in your relationship. Everyone will be making sacrifices in a relationship but happiness shouldn't be one of them. If you're not compatible you move on even though it can be painful and heartbreaking.

samdarella -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/10/2013 1:02:45 AM)
Poly for me. I am bi and would hate to never have the feel or taste of a woman again. Master is poly, has been his whole life. We discussed this in detail when we first met. Mono would have been a deal breaker for Him. Although we have not had anyone join us yet, we both look forward to it happening. Maybe my head is in fantasy land, i think it will add to our relationship, not take anything from it. Master is loving enough that i doubt i could ever feel cheated in that department. Master also has so many interests, that it would be great to have someone else to help fulfill Him (not to mention lick His balls while i blow Him). That's one reason that it was my idea that we take His ex-wife on vacation with us (not to lick His balls but maybe with enough tequila). Besides the fact that she is great fun to hang out with and i love her, she fulfills a part of Him that i don't. They have a history together. She is well traveled. She is many things that i am not. I am many things that she is not. Too bad she is straight. She is almost a perfect fit for us. She's not masochistic at all. That is my only worry, that i would feel jealous or cheated if i didn't feel like i was getting my share of pain. A switch would be nice. Someone to share pain with when Master is feeling sadistic, and someone to hurt me when He would rather be watching tv. Poly can take many forms. Master could give a whole lecture on that subject. Yes i have heard it. Master and i both agree we want someone to be a part of our family. He would like more than one other. I think it will be hard enough to find one other that fits us, adding more would probably add drama. Time will tell. My mind and my heart are open.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Mono vs poly? (9/13/2013 8:43:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: TieMeInKnottss Beyond the "it is the master's right..." Are you (or when you were looking) interested in only monogamous relationships or were you ok with someone who expresses a desire to be in a poly dynamic? I am talking about "serious" relationships not just dating more than one person or being "open" I have always been adamant that I am strictly interested in one on one.. I don't share well and I have some very firm convictions on human nature. It is not my cup of tea; however, it seems to be something for which many dominants express a desire.. Sorry...I have been questioning whether I can stay in this lifestyle..Yes, I know it is all about finding the "right" match but sometimes it just seems that some things I am unwilling to compromise on are the exact things that the majority of others are also unwilling to compromise on but from the other end... I wouldn't be in a relationship with a woman who didn't enjoy being with other men.

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