Um, just needed to ask something (Full Version)

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redfoxx4 -> Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 12:21:06 AM)

So I'm interested in finding a submissive woman....possibly a slave or pet. But I'm curious about something before I go down this route.

For those submissive types of you that have done this, what is it that you get from this situation that makes you come back for more? I love having that much control over someone, but I want to understand what it is that you feel when you put that collar on. What is it you feel when you're asked to remove everything else besides the collar, and asked to crawl around. What is it?

The thought of a woman willingly doing that for me drives me wild, but...I just want to know why it would drive a woman wild :)



theshytype -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 7:12:31 AM)

I think it's wonderful you want to know why!

For me, a man in control is a complete turn on. From dominant in a non-sexual vanilla setting all the way to force in the bedroom.

Seeing his happiness makes me happy. I'm naturally a people pleaser. The more I love and respect a person, the more I want to do for them.

Him commanding me makes feel loved. I do not demand a lot of attention from anyone. In fact, I hate being the center of attention. But, someone that takes the time to show me special attention telling me what to do signals to me that I'm important to him.

Of course, there's more to it than that. I have needs as well and I have to trust they will be met. I'm going to lose all respect for someone who wants me crawling on the floor, demands blowjobs, then leaves me wanting all the time. Once that respect is gone, my desire to submit and serve goes along with it.



redfoxx4 -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 8:07:13 AM)

I see. That makes sense :). I love how that dynamic would play out.

And I think that respect and trust goes a long ways with this kind of relationship. It takes a tremendous amount of it for this to truly be enjoyed.

I gotta be honest, I'm afraid of hurting a woman with this kink of mine. I really like the idea of dominating, but I hate the idea of actually hurting someone. I suppose signals and safe words and discussing your limits before hand helps out a lot, but what do you do if you go to far just because you're caught up in the moment? I guess those what if kind of situations are what's holding me back from having already tried this.



OsideGirl -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 8:50:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: redfoxx4

So I'm interested in finding a submissive woman....possibly a slave or pet. But I'm curious about something before I go down this route.

For those submissive types of you that have done this, what is it that you get from this situation that makes you come back for more? I love having that much control over someone, but I want to understand what it is that you feel when you put that collar on. What is it you feel when you're asked to remove everything else besides the collar, and asked to crawl around. What is it?

The thought of a woman willingly doing that for me drives me wild, but...I just want to know why it would drive a woman wild :)



Well, I'll start with saying that it sounds like you're confusing BDSM with D/s. They are not the same thing. One is kinky sex, the other is a relationship dynamic.

Crawling around naked with a collar isn't what shows I'm submissive. (and not once has he ever asked me to do that) It's what I do outside of the bedroom, it's what I do when we get to something that I don't want to do, that shows I'm submissive.

As for your question, I can't answer it because what you're talking about isn't submission to me. It's bottoming in a play session.



theshytype -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 9:48:25 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: redfoxx4

I see. That makes sense :). I love how that dynamic would play out.

And I think that respect and trust goes a long ways with this kind of relationship. It takes a tremendous amount of it for this to truly be enjoyed.

I gotta be honest, I'm afraid of hurting a woman with this kink of mine. I really like the idea of dominating, but I hate the idea of actually hurting someone. I suppose signals and safe words and discussing your limits before hand helps out a lot, but what do you do if you go to far just because you're caught up in the moment? I guess those what if kind of situations are what's holding me back from having already tried this.


I recommend learning more about what it is, specifically, you're looking to do. There are plenty of books to read (a listing is located on the top of the General BDSM discussion). There may also be classes available in your local community. I wouldn't just pick up a whip and start using it, for example, as you can seriously hurt someone.

I'd also think about what it is you're looking for, whether a bottom, submissive, slave, pet...
If in the bedroom, out, or both.

Each person is different in terms of what they want, why, pain tolerance if any, so these are all things you will have to discuss with an individual.

The self-control thing I can't really help you with. There may be others that can offer some suggestions, but if you have doubts about controlling your own actions then I would definitely hold off on controlling someone else.



kalikshama -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 11:12:38 AM)

quote:

I gotta be honest, I'm afraid of hurting a woman with this kink of mine. I really like the idea of dominating, but I hate the idea of actually hurting someone. I suppose signals and safe words and discussing your limits before hand helps out a lot, but what do you do if you go to far just because you're caught up in the moment?


My husband I started out with a light suede flogger, and, at my suggestion, kept going back for heavier and heavier floggers until we found the right one. We used the training floggers on more tender areas. Screw the Roses; Send me the Thorns has a chart for which areas of the body can take more (or less) abuse.

Improper flogging technique has stung, and once I had to end a session because this person kept "wrapping," but I've never been injured.

So, read up, better yet go to demos if you can, start slow, warm up, pay close attention to her verbal and non-verbal cues, and you'll do fine :)



sexyred1 -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 11:39:24 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: redfoxx4

So I'm interested in finding a submissive woman....possibly a slave or pet. But I'm curious about something before I go down this route.

For those submissive types of you that have done this, what is it that you get from this situation that makes you come back for more? I love having that much control over someone, but I want to understand what it is that you feel when you put that collar on. What is it you feel when you're asked to remove everything else besides the collar, and asked to crawl around. What is it?

The thought of a woman willingly doing that for me drives me wild, but...I just want to know why it would drive a woman wild :)


As OsideGirl told you, there is a difference between BDSM and D/s; it can and cannot be the same.

If you want to why a woman would willingly do anything for you, up to and including kinky activities, remember that most women only feel this way toward a specific PERSON, not a role. I have done things willingly and came back for more with someone I loved, cared for and trusted. It is the person who does the inspiring, not the acts or the roles.

Make a woman happy and she usually does what you want.



redfoxx4 -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 1:31:12 PM)

Lots of good advice given here. I'm going to look into exactly what entails being a slave, pet, bottom, etc. And i'll probably start off with something light, just to see how well I can control myself even. I want whoever I'm with to enjoy themselves too. Guess I'll get to educating myself a little more on this :)



njlauren -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 1:32:35 PM)

I agree with others, one of my first suggestions is to understand the difference. Having a girl put on a collar and a pair of CFM's and having her strut around or crawl is kinky, but it doesn't mean it is submission, either, could simply be kinky role play. Submission plays out in many ways, but in general it is a power dynamic between the people that goes beyond play, it is where someone willingly accepts the lead of the other person, cedes over control that isn't just a kinky turn on in the bedroom (there is nothing wrong with kinky turn ons in the bedroom, but there is a difference, for example, between erotic spanking play and spanking used in a Ds as punishment or even in play within that context).

What a sub gets out of it varies, it can of course be hot as hell (speaking as a sub) to be played with, to be told what to do, to surrender power in those situations, but there also is a level of trust and for me, love, involved, there is the dynamic that I know my domme gets a need fulfilled in taking the power I have given her, and she in turn, from what she has told me, also sees the need in me being fulfilled, and that is an incredible thing in any relationship alone, plus there is a tension there, too, knowing i have ceded power and never knowing quite how she might exercise it (within our bounds, of course). I think the simplest explanation of D/s is that it is rewiring the power structure and dynamics of a relationship where balance is tipped strongly in favor of one person over another, and the person receiving the unequal balance and the one giving into it both feel like their life is in equilibrium like this (where a vanilla person would feel the shifted balance of power and would feel out of sort:).



njlauren -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 1:36:19 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: redfoxx4

Lots of good advice given here. I'm going to look into exactly what entails being a slave, pet, bottom, etc. And i'll probably start off with something light, just to see how well I can control myself even. I want whoever I'm with to enjoy themselves too. Guess I'll get to educating myself a little more on this :)


Prob one of the best ways to have a relationship like this is for both parties to grow and advance along the way. Check out some of the resources, I am partial to books you can find on the greenery press website, and the cool thing about these relationships is they aren't static (as no relationship probably should be), it is kind of nice to grow and learn together, one of the nice parts about D/s or BD/SM relationships is they are quite custom, you kind of write the rules as you move along. It is probably smart to start light, and take it from there, and if you get to the point where you want to start having a D/s outside the bedroom, where it is part of your interaction as a couple, one method is to negotiate the details of the first step, and agree to revisit it after a weekend/week month, see what worked, what didn't, negotiate what you want to try, what she wants to try, etc, it is a really good way to get used to negotiating and advancing the relationship.



DesFIP -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 3:57:56 PM)

Not everybody is into pain. It's fine if you're not. There are a lot of more sensual play things as well. Bondage tends to be its own kink and not designed to be painful. There are other things, like a light to medium spanking that isn't really painful but can be quite arousing. Orgasm control, keeping her on the edge for an hour and then giving her an explosive orgasm.

We get from this what you get from giving it. Enormous turn on.
Just like you want to be in charge of the time together without argument, we want not to have to be in charge and no arguments.

But there's a limited number of people who can crawl around. The knees are the first thing to go. Even in young women, if they've played sports, there's probably some knee damage.



Greta75 -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 4:15:36 PM)

I enjoy all the things you mentioned, and for me, it's being able to trust someone enough to do that with him. The collar signify being owned by whoever put the collar on me, so I guessed I love the idea of being someone's exclusive fuck toy. Being commanded to strip and crawl for me is quite a grand gesture of submitting to him and I enjoy the humiliation aspect of it as well. But over all, it's the trust and closeness and comfort you feel with someone enough to want to do all that with him is the most addicting factor. Knowing that he will love you dearly for it.





TieMeInKnottss -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 4:39:37 PM)

Funny you ask the same question I did but of a Dom I was seeing..."what do you get out of this? because, way I see it..I am definitely on the most advantageous side." That is the beauty of the whole thing...two sides of the same coin, both believing that they are the luckiest person....

I have equated submission to the same type of adrenaline rush gotten when you jump off a cliff or free fall into a crowd. It always reminds me of those HR "trust" and "team building" exercises. One person stands on a table (the sub) with his/her back to everyone else. The others (the Dom) stand below and catch the falling person... For the person who is falling backwards and letting go of all thought & fear, trusting the group below to catch you safely...it is purely exhilarating...a moment when you suspend all fear and survival instincts... For the crowd (or the Dom) doing the catching...they are responsible for making sure every detail is handled and thought through..they are standing in anticipation, suspending their own fear because they know it is all in their control..and they must anticipate what COULD go wrong &be able to see it &shift gears



SaschaMarie -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/23/2013 7:24:53 PM)

TMIK, that's a great way to put it with the trustfall analogy.



SerWhiteTiger -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/24/2013 12:18:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: redfoxx4

So I'm interested in finding a submissive woman....possibly a slave or pet. But I'm curious about something before I go down this route.

For those submissive types of you that have done this, what is it that you get from this situation that makes you come back for more? I love having that much control over someone, but I want to understand what it is that you feel when you put that collar on. What is it you feel when you're asked to remove everything else besides the collar, and asked to crawl around. What is it?

The thought of a woman willingly doing that for me drives me wild, but...I just want to know why it would drive a woman wild :)



Well, I'll start with saying that it sounds like you're confusing BDSM with D/s. They are not the same thing. One is kinky sex, the other is a relationship dynamic.

Crawling around naked with a collar isn't what shows I'm submissive. (and not once has he ever asked me to do that) It's what I do outside of the bedroom, it's what I do when we get to something that I don't want to do, that shows I'm submissive.

As for your question, I can't answer it because what you're talking about isn't submission to me. It's bottoming in a play session.


I want to make this my signature.



chatterbox24 -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/24/2013 2:41:17 AM)

Just to answer the "feeling" part of the question.

It felt very ancient and primal. Clear line of you woman, me man type thing. It was an exciting visit to pure animal instinct, letting go for a brief time, the rationalizing, thinking, judging, demanding part of the mind we humans have. It was good to feel just pure female and he all pure male.



orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/25/2013 7:40:16 AM)

Lol, isn't it obvious? It makes perfect sense to me, but I've no idea why anyone would want to be the one in control of all that. I guess this is why people identify with different roles, it's what appeals to them.

As a submissive, I find it embarrassing to crawl around and have to take my clothes off BUT I find dominant men attractive and exciting and the thought of turning them off appeals to me greatly. I like their voices, their bossiness, the feeling that they are in charge, their stubborness. When I am being controlled, I feel a sense of destiny and belonging, like this is where I am meant to be and this is how things are meant to be. I feel aroused and I wonder what will happen next.



hejira92 -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (8/25/2013 2:57:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: redfoxx4

I gotta be honest, I'm afraid of hurting a woman with this kink of mine. I really like the idea of dominating, but I hate the idea of actually hurting someone. I suppose signals and safe words and discussing your limits before hand helps out a lot, but what do you do if you go to far just because you're caught up in the moment? I guess those what if kind of situations are what's holding me back from having already tried this.


I'm reminded of an incident early in Sir's and my relationship. He was punishing me (for what I can't recall) but He was using the heavy flogger and cane and it was the first time I really lost it and was sobbing- heaving, snotty sobbing. He had to take a moment of introspection after that. I think it shook him- fearing that He had really hurt me.

I can't tell you how he resolved it, but He did. I was actually afraid that He would STOP hurting me.

But as He stated in his original profile, He is wise enough to know the difference between hurt and harm. In 7 1/2 years, I have not been harmed.

(btw- He is a great resource if you want to contact Him on the other side.)



MizzSpitfire -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (9/5/2013 1:41:12 PM)

Please don't assume a book will teach you S&M techniques or how far you can safely go. Find an experienced Dominant in your area who is willing to mentor you, and learn irl.



JeffBC -> RE: Um, just needed to ask something (9/5/2013 2:59:28 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: redfoxx4
The thought of a woman willingly doing that for me drives me wild, but...I just want to know why it would drive a woman wild :)

Carol's (my s-type) answer would be simple. She feels nothing from it other than happiness because it makes me happy. I do my best to wrap her up in love and safety and security. She does the same for me. One of the ways she does that is with a collar. It's not complicated. It's an act of love which happens to fit her basic personality.

That last part is worth noting. For at least some people there is no need to "get anything out of it" because it's just how they are. Carol's own words to describe herself are "I prefer to defer" ... in all of life not simply her primary relationship. So deferring to her husband is comfortable for her rather than being some unnatural act that she has to force herself to do. For Carol she'd need to "get something out of it" in order to take the leadership position.

My general sentiment is that most any decent woman will go to great lengths to please her partner IF that partner is able to pay up in kind. It's not a very BDSM-ey thought but it does get me blowjobs on demand.



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