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Sub to Domme-In Ten Easy Steps - 6/30/2006 7:16:32 AM

TNstepsout

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Joined: 8/3/2005
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Ok, this is an offshoot of the thread that asked how you began your journey. For those of you who began your journey as a sub and changed to Domme I have a bunch of questions.

What made you feel or believe you were submissive in the first place?

How did you figure out that submission wasn't for you?

Once you began to explore your dominance, did you have doubts because you had previously been submissive?

Are there situations in which you still find you have submissive tendencies? How have you worked it into your style of dominance?

Do you think having experience as a sub has made you a better Domme, or given you faster or better insight into solving problems?

Thanks

TN

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RE: Sub to Domme-In Ten Easy Steps - 6/30/2006 11:00:17 AM

MistressTheaZ

Posts: 155
Joined: 7/17/2005
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I began the journey exploring within a local BDSM group, reading a lot and beginning to meet people within the Scene, and I knew I identified as Dominant. However, I also was working toward becoming a ProDomme at that time, and the Mistress Apprenticeship required beginning this process as a submissive and then switch to be able to progress to earn one's stripes.

I disliked this immensely. I resented the control others tried to leverage over Me; I had no desire to submit, learn, or trust enough to even come close to subspace. I hated the feeling of being used - which is exactly how it made Me feel - and it made everything within Me fight against it. I found entertainment in pushing the Dominant and was generally a naughty sub, at best. While I enjoy pain Myself - giving and receiving - I only found one person through that time some years ago whom I actually felt comfortable and open enough to begin to realize and accept this. Unfortunately, that experience ended far too soon, though I will always remember what I was taught.

After proceeding with My own interests and desires, I found happiness within My role as a Sadistic Dominant. I had no doubts or inklings to return to explore submission. *chuckle*

Years passed. More recently, I found a playmate whom I'm very fond of: a switch. I had never thought that I'd have any desire to bend a knee a second time, but somehow mutual exploration and general debauchery came very easily and I realized this could be quite special. I trust him and feel very comfortable exchanging ideas and pushing limits while having My own limits pushed. That said, I couldn't see allowing this with anyone other than him.

Having sub experience definitely did make Me a better Domme. Mostly, I feel it sharpened My own senses to the heavy emotional aspect within what submission means and made Me better able to guide one and explore in consideration of same.

;)

~Thea

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RE: Sub to Domme-In Ten Easy Steps - 6/30/2006 12:17:15 PM

LadiesBladewing

Posts: 944
Joined: 8/31/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

Ok, this is an offshoot of the thread that asked how you began your journey. For those of you who began your journey as a sub and changed to Domme I have a bunch of questions.

What made you feel or believe you were submissive in the first place?

I never actually -did- feel that I was submissive in the first place... While in the monastary, I was constantly fighting with myself to yield to the Universe, and allow my life to flow, and I actually left the monastary and entered my training as a priest without truly grasping the concepts of yielding to my dharma.

LE, the man who actually made me believe that I -could- submit, and submit gracefully, did so by never expecting anything less from me. For him, I would do anything -- it was just something in the way we interacted with one another... and if he asked me to do something for someone else (or expected it of me, whether or not he spoke it), it touched something inside of me to do so to the best of my ability. He did for me what my moderators in the monastary couldn't do -- he actually -did- teach me how to yield with dignity and grace... and not only that, to cherish the opportunity to do so, and guide others in that same process. I will never be able to replace what he was to and for me, and I can only hope that the time that I served him was enough of a "thank you" that he need never doubt how I felt about him, whether on this plane of existence or in another.

quote:

How did you figure out that submission wasn't for you?

I don't think that submission, at least, complete, yielding submission (which is the only kind I'll consider) every really -was- for me, except with that one person. When LE died, I was -very- unhappy for a very long time, not only from losing him, but because I cherished his mate (who was still my Mistress), and did not want to add to her burden of loss by trying to explain to her at this point that I no longer wanted to live in service -- so I kept on, for several years after we lost PD and LE, until the rest of the dominant portion of the family sat down and called me to them, and told me that they appreciated my years of service, but that I really needed to move on to the next stage of my development. I have to say, though, that even after LE died, I never -resented- my time in service... though I was not fulfilled any longer, I learned so much about the joy of yielding when we -don't- want to, as well as when we -do-.. and the joy of yielding for one's own dharma, as well as at the request of another.

During the years after LE's death, SR never really 'commanded' me -- most everything I did, I did because it was what I -knew- would be the right thing to do. I didn't want to -make- her have to command me. Her grief was so profound at this time that the priest in me found a calling there, and my service as a House servant became an extension of my priesthood. To this day, if she needed me, I would be willing to do so again.

quote:

Once you began to explore your dominance, did you have doubts because you had previously been submissive?

I didn't have doubts about it because of my submission, but I did have doubts. Those doubts revolve around the fact that I am an unusual sort of dominant. Those who serve us call me "Mahgi", or "Teacher"... SR says that I am neither dominant nor submissive, but can take on whatever I am called to do. She calls me "Counselor", and has placed me in the position of attending to the spiritual, emotional, and communal health of our enclave. This suits me just fine. While I can take a flogger to a servant to heal his or her empty places, my anger manifests quietly, and with a demand for personal responsiblity regarding any infraction. There are many who would consider this "soft", but it isn't -- those who have left our household because they found it "too difficult" often left because they couldn't deal with -my- part in their training... the requirement that they quickly think through each choice ahead of them, evaluate the possible consequences, and act "rightly at the cusp"... accepting that no matter what the choice, there would be consequences, and that they were fully responsible for those consequences.

quote:

Are there situations in which you still find you have submissive tendencies? How have you worked it into your style of dominance?

It is impossible, I think, to be a priest (abbess in my case) and -not- have occasions where one must yield to the needs of the Universe or the needs of the community. It is a natural side-effect of the life-path I have chosen. That being said, I try to make my capacity to yield an example to our servants -- to let them see that it is possible to yield gracefully and fully, without losing one's dignity or diminishing oneself in one's own eyes or in the eyes of others. I hope that our servants see me doing my tasks and serving our community well in my capacity as a spiritual guide, and, in seeing this, find themselves more able to yield to what the Universe and our Enclave places in -their- path towards self-actualization.

quote:

Do you think having experience as a sub has made you a better Domme, or given you faster or better insight into solving problems?

I think that it has increased my capacity for compassion, without diminishing my capacity for justice. I may understand why a person made a certain choice, and be able to explain to him or her why that choice might be re-thought, in order to be more acceptable at another time -- but I am a firm believer that every action has its consequences... and compassion does not mean brushing off an error. It is in the proper discipline during errors that the foundation is set to prevent those errors from becoming bad habits. I don't know if I still would have had this capacity if I hadn't been a servant, because we are changed by our experiences, and are not always given the ability to see what things might have been like had we made other choices, but whether it was evoked naturally over time or is a result of my time in service, I cherish the opportunity to be both compassionate and strive towards justice.

ZWD

_____________________________

"Should have", "could have", "would have" and "can't" may be the most dangerous phrases in the English language.
Bladewing Enclave

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RE: Sub to Domme-In Ten Easy Steps - 6/30/2006 2:06:01 PM

mp072004

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I started by identifying as a switch, so I'm not sure I fit your question fully. For example, it never occurred to me to doubt that I was really dominant because I had identified as at least partly submissive. Nonetheless, I'll respond.

Early on, I made a stupid mistake: I confused power and sensation. In other words, I thought that if I liked receiving pain, that meant that I had to be submissive, too. This caused various different problems, and I found myself frustrated that I couldn't just top myself, because I knew how I wanted it done. I learned of a different, more complex way of self-identification within BDSM, involving two axes: power and sensation. In this system, one figures out whether one is dominant or submissive, and, separately, figures out whether one is a sadist or masochist, or top or bottom if you don't want pain at all. As I was reasonably foolish when new, I was very grateful to receive validation of my preference for directing and bottoming at the same time. I've since learned that even if I don't know that anyone else is doing BDSM a given way, there's no earthly reason I shouldn't do it. Ultimately, I have come to identify myself as solely dominant in terms of power, and as both a sadist and a masochist in terms of sensation.

To answer your fourth line, I've integrated masochism into my dominant behavior by directing scenes in which I bottom. Most of the time, I behave as a dominant and as a sadist. That's not overly complicated. Occasionally, I behave as a dominant bottom. This means I'm the one getting hit and the one determining how I'm getting hit. If this still isn't clear, imagine someone receiving a massage. The person receiving the massage is the one receiving the sensation, but he or she directs the masseur how to perform the massage--concentrate on one part of the body, increase or decrease pressure, etc. The way I bottom is analogous to the way many people receive massages., and it has similar invigorating, stress-reducing effects.

Monica

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RE: Sub to Domme-In Ten Easy Steps - 6/30/2006 10:15:41 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
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quote:

What made you feel or believe you were submissive in the first place?

I'm not sure that there was something that made me think I was submissive and then go "seek it out." Rather, I was introduced to BDSM by someone who was a very strong dominant. Rare is it that you take any other position with a very strong dominant when you're being introduced to something! We hit it off and he 'showed me the ropes'.

quote:

How did you figure out that submission wasn't for you?

I was in a place where I was dedicated to being pleasing and obedient to that person, and yet I was held to the task as a neophyte of bettering myself. On that journey of learning and growing, I soon found that I had a natural aptitude for directing others (including the master at the time!) He knew that as well, and rather than fight it and force me into a place that was clearly out of balance for me, he recognized my potential and helped me realize it. He embraced the fact that I was a very strong woman, that my life experience had me in a place of command (I was a paramedic and an organizational chief, barking orders at some 75-100 people.) He also spent time with me in his line of work (police) and saw how I carried myself professionally, outside of the D/s realm. His read of me was important and solidified my intent to 'go topside' and stay there.

quote:

Once you began to explore your dominance, did you have doubts because you had previously been submissive?

I don't think it was a thought that I wasn't "really" being submissive when I was.....it was more that I found a place that suited me far better. Mac is probably one of the only people that I still 'yield' to on any level, except now it is out of respect and honoring where it is that I've come.

Perhaps one of the biggest revelations, not to me, but to the gentleman I might have served is that I have an aptitude for being an owner and taking responsibility for others, not allowing someone to do that for me. It's disturbing to a Master (and I've learned this myself as a top) to have a submissive resist that natural, innate desire the top has to provide for and to nuture and protect.

quote:

Are there situations in which you still find you have submissive tendencies? How have you worked it into your style of dominance?

No no and no. I might bottom for the sake of teaching another top, but that's receiving pain and it's not entirely pleasurable for me. I'm allowing them to gain experience with a particular skill and I am not yielding control to them.

quote:

Do you think having experience as a sub has made you a better Domme, or given you faster or better insight into solving problems?

Absolutely, and I've had comments from submissives that tell me that they were shocked that I knew exactly what they were thinking, or where their mind was. I do think that having being there, I can at least understand where their mind goes (or should be going.) (That's not to say that a domina that has never been on the bottom cannot *understand* or learn through other means.)

I find that my experience raises the bar for submissives, in that I have run the gauntlet and I know what it's like to be put through tests, to truly know inside that you've either pleased or displeased a person you're supposed to be following or looking up to. I'm far less tolerant of folks who approach me who are into SM for themselves and who aren't willing to trust that I will provide for them their desires if they feed me what it is that I desire.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: Sub to Domme-In Ten Easy Steps - 7/1/2006 12:29:49 PM

MysticFireTopaz

Posts: 50939
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout
What made you feel or believe you were submissive in the first place?

In My case, I never really felt or believed that I was submissive. I got involved in BDSM in a round-about way rather than making a conscious decision to be a submissive. I was set up on a blind date with a male dominant long before I even knew what BDSM was. I am an experimenter and physically enjoyed the new things we did together, although I was psycholocally conflicted the whole time. He wanted to take the relationship to a new level (i. e. exert increasing degrees of control over Me, such as having Me move into his household, having Me ask permission to do things, etc.), and I resisted all the way. At that point, I became so uncomfortable with the whole situation that I broke off the relationship, even though I found the play rather intriguing. There was something about the allure of BDSM that kept Me coming back as long as I did in spite of the psychological discomfort I experienced.

How did you figure out that submission wasn't for you?

My gut told Me loud and clear that submission was not for Me. I deeply resent anyone attempting to control Me, and derive no pleasure from "serving" in the sense of doing things for people. I have had submissives relate to Me how deeply fulfilling that is, and I'll just have to take their word for it.

Once you began to explore your dominance, did you have doubts because you had previously been submissive?

Nope, not a one. It came very naturally to Me. I felt as if I had "come home" to where I belonged. Knowing what I know today, I would have entered the lifestyle as a Domme, but the fact is that I didn't know then what I know today.

Are there situations in which you still find you have submissive tendencies? How have you worked it into your style of dominance?

Not really.

Do you think having experience as a sub has made you a better Domme, or given you faster or better insight into solving problems?

Perhaps I have more empathy about how various things feel, having experienced many of them Myself. I think I can also relate better to some of the concerns and fears submissives have. However, I disagree with the common opinion that having been a submissive automatically makes one a better Dom(me).

Lady Topaz

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RE: Sub to Domme-In Ten Easy Steps - 7/2/2006 2:18:53 AM

TNstepsout

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Thank you, thank you, thank you all for wonderful, thoughtful answers. There's a lot to think about here. You know, it all started with that little drop-down box. I HAD to pick something. I chose submissive. It's been a battle to figure out why ever since.

Well, I've already sat here, staring at the screen, trying to figure out how to respond for about 20 minutes. Which is ridiculous. I didn't want to leave just a short, seemingly trite answer, but I'm just full of thoughts and not sure how to get them all down right now.

Just thanks, really......

TN

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RE: Sub to Domme-In Ten Easy Steps - 7/2/2006 4:01:32 AM

cynthiamarie

Posts: 205
Joined: 3/11/2005
From: Bluefield, WV, USA
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quote:

What made you feel or believe you were submissive in the first place?

This is the first thing that pulled me into the lifestyle, discovering that the thought of spanking was erotic to me and being shocked and horrified, lol. People on that board saw my reaction and took me to the side and welcomed me into the BDSM perv club and told me I was a submissive. I'm glad they did, because I've always belonged in D/s.
It took me a while to give myself permission to find out all of who I am, because I was raised to be very submissive in all things.

quote:

How did you figure out that submission wasn't for you?

When things didn't work out between me and someone I'd felt incredibly deep submissive feelings for, that side of me shut down and I haven't felt that way toward anyone since. I tried to bottom, but all I felt was curiosity to learn what they knew, and some resentment; no submissive feelings at all. I did love the look of the bruises, lol, but got nothing else out of it. I preferred the company of certain male subs...and once I put on my long black opera length gloves and held my floggers in my hand...wow, the world opened up. (Btw, it took a long time for me to accept my need to "hurt" someone.)

quote:

Once you began to explore your dominance, did you have doubts because you had previously been submissive?

I went through a lot of growing pains, especially since I had been exploring topping while being a sub. I'm not poly *please nobody say "famous last words"*, but when I considered being part of a Dom/me couple, I realized I didn't want anyone to interfere between me and my sub. The Dom I was talking with started to bring up things that would make me feel like a house elf *Harry Potter books reference, sorry* and suddenly I realized that any joy I'd had in wishing to serve in that way were gone.

I have worried about having a collared sub and then having things shattered by feeling sub for a Dom, because people have told me "once a sub, always a sub" and I didn't want to hurt anyone if I'd be "reverting" back to sub. I bill myself as a switch who prefers to be Domme, but I can't imagine wanting to be sub for anyone.

quote:

Are there situations in which you still find you have submissive tendencies? How have you worked it into your style of dominance?

Hm, that's a toughie...because I will always react in a submissive way when a policeman pulls me over because a tail light or whatever is malfunctioning, or when I have to go to a doctor I keenly dislike as a human being but who is a specialist and my only choice in this teeny town. I have PTSD, so if something triggers a panic attack any sub I have will have to know how to get others out of my face, and take care of me. Needing to shut down, be hugged while going down for a nap might be seen as a submissive reaction...oh well; I'm numb at that stage and not feeling submissive nor Dominant...just human.

How do I work it into my style? I am who I am and I accept that...I've been called a ServantDomme, mommy Domme, and even told that I have a messiah complex (by sub friends that I'm very close to and respect). I'm not going to make myself into something I'm not so I can fit into a nice pidgeonhole...my goal is to remain very comfortable in my own skin and do things my way.

quote:

Do you think having experience as a sub has made you a better Domme, or given you faster or better insight into solving problems?

My experiences as a sub were all mental/emotional, and I'm glad I can understand the intensity of the feelings...but I don't know what it's like to feel submissive while being spanked or flogged or in restraints, etc.

Someone pointed this out to me recently, that maybe I should have had more experience as sub before turning Domme. I'm considering bottoming...especially if I can learn some shibari, but I'm not certain how I'd deal with suddenly being tossed into any subbie headspace if that's even possible.

I can't let my newbie status (only a year and a half) to BDSM make me feel any LESS in the D/s part of the relationship. There are skills I will pick up over time, by trying things on myself, learning from others' experience, my own observations, and talking with ones who bottom for me. I think who I am, and the life experiences that shaped me, have made me a better Domme...it will have to be enough.

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RE: Sub to Domme-In Ten Easy Steps - 7/13/2006 8:54:17 PM

MistrssM

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Joined: 1/15/2005
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What made you feel or believe you were submissive in the first place?

I was not sure if I was or not but when I began I felt to learn I should learn from the bottom... and society says women are the subs.... so I guess I went with what I thought was common.

How did you figure out that submission wasn't for you?

After one month with my "Sir" I had him on all 4s knees in my collar and was playing with his ass... he informed me aftere I was not a sub and I should go buy some toys...lol

Once you began to explore your dominance, did you have doubts because you had previously been submissive?

After the first beautiful boy kneeled before me and said "I am yours Mistress... do with me what you will" I have never looked back...

Are there situations in which you still find you have submissive tendencies? How have you worked it into your style of dominance?

I think even though we are Dommes ... we are still women... we like to be courted ... wooed... and we like to feel like just a pretty girl sometimes...I dont think of it as being sub... I think of it as being a woman....

Do you think having experience as a sub has made you a better Domme, or given you faster or better insight into solving problems?

I think having been bound I really understand the feeling of anticipation a sub feels.. in the beginning...the nerves...the waiting to see what will be done.. and having felt that myself.. I know how to play that moment among others... to the hilt.I also know just how important total trust is....

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