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Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to help me... - 8/30/2013 12:47:54 PM

DemonMutt

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline

Okay I'm new not only to CM but to the whole community as well. I'm not even sure that I'm posting this in the right place to be honest but the listing was general so I figured I'd start here and hope for the best.
Okay I know that I'm a dom and that if I were to be honest I would admit that for the majority of my waking time I have the mentality of an alpha male wolf, no I'm not proud of it because yes I mean agression and all.
What I was hoping for was to maybe find my mate so to speak. However as I stated I am new to both the community and CM I would like to ask for any advice on how to go about finding out if there are any women in the community in my area, as well as I guess advice on behaviour if I am ever lucky enough to find that one female for me.

Any advice or help is greatly appreciated, thank you all for your time, patience, and consideration.

Post #: 1

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 8/30/2013 12:51:11 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Find a munch in your area in Arkansas.

http://www.drkdesyre.com/
http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/

slosh around in there a little bit.

Then, set your search to women in arkansas and so on, and have a lookie see, you never know, your grama and sister may be on here............it is sometimes a small world, know what I mean?

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to DemonMutt)

Post #: 2

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 8/30/2013 12:53:19 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

I'm going to suggest that you start putting some effort into getting what you want rather than expecting to have the answers just handed over.

I'll give you a freebie: https://fetlife.com/groups/80670 That's a group located near you, it took me about 5 seconds to find it.

I would suggest that you be active in your local community if you wish to find someone in your community.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to DemonMutt)

Post #: 3

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 8/30/2013 1:00:30 PM

DemonMutt

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline

Mnottertail, and OsideGirl I thank you both for your assistance.
On another note to Oside I have actually spent the last several weeks searching and never came across that site. But I still thank you anyway for I was taught that whereas nothing in life worth having is ever easy, asking for advice, council, or help is not something I should be ashamed of as I always was in the past.

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 4

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 8/30/2013 3:05:05 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

If you don't know how to treat a woman by now then ask other men who are successful at it how they do it. This has zilch to do with bdsm and everything to do with being a social creature.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to DemonMutt)

Post #: 5

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 8/30/2013 3:05:17 PM

areallivehuman

Posts: 277
Joined: 1/16/2010
Status: offline

I tried reading your profile, the background color makes it completely illegible.

Before you can be a good dom, first you must be a good man.

(in reply to DemonMutt)

Post #: 6

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 8/30/2013 7:37:17 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

Your profile is good. Your interests lists is great, not focused on sex, which is good. You have a face pic up, which is a plus.

Definitely find and begin to regularly attend munches or other get togethers in your area. This will eventually get you invited to parties, which are fun. You will meet people. Be friendly with everyone, make friends. You seem very open to learning. Actively attending events will give you more opportunity to do that. Also there's a reading list on here, read a few of the books. You can order them through Amazon and they will come to your mailbox in plain paper : see, wasn't that easy? When searching for local munches, see if there's a TNG (the next generation) group near you - these are groups aimed at young people, where you will make friends with your peers and maybe meet a nice girl your age. Do join fet, and join some groups that interest you.

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

(in reply to areallivehuman)

Post #: 7

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 8/30/2013 7:55:30 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DemonMutt

Okay I'm new not only to CM but to the whole community as well. I'm not even sure that I'm posting this in the right place to be honest but the listing was general so I figured I'd start here and hope for the best.
Okay I know that I'm a dom and that if I were to be honest I would admit that for the majority of my waking time I have the mentality of an alpha male wolf, no I'm not proud of it because yes I mean agression and all.
What I was hoping for was to maybe find my mate so to speak. However as I stated I am new to both the community and CM I would like to ask for any advice on how to go about finding out if there are any women in the community in my area, as well as I guess advice on behaviour if I am ever lucky enough to find that one female for me.

Any advice or help is greatly appreciated, thank you all for your time, patience, and consideration.

Gawwwwd I love the internet.

Mutt....you're a guy.....you're 22...good looking kid.

Work harder.....really.

(Was I too nice?).

(in reply to DemonMutt)

Post #: 8

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 8/31/2013 11:32:29 AM

njlauren

Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
Status: offline

I so agree with others about meeting people locally and so forth. I could also recommend reading books on the subject to get an idea of what this is all about and also avoid pitfalls inexperienced people have (it is also why it is good to meet people IRL, not just to meet potential matches, but also meet D's, male and female, who can help you, mentor you, etc...I literally owe a lot to some folks in the NY BD/SM world, especially someone who probably without knowing, led us as a family to a path of healing that without it, would have led to three miserable people slogging through life...

But I think the wisest piece of advice was the person who said learn how to be a good man. There are threads all the time on the mistress board about how a sub can attract a mistress, and a lot of the time the key line is for the sub to be the kind of person a mistress would want, one who saw them as woman and first and foremost, would treat them as they would any other woman (I am talking from the perspective of a male sub and female dominant, but in reality, covers a lot of bases). If you want to attract a female sub, it is likely that how you treat them as a person, how you introduce yourself, talk, and the things you do, will influence them a lot more than simply being dominant. I can only speak for myself, but with what I have seen basic rules don't change in the BD/SM, D/s worlds, that people are attracted first by who they are, and the roles flow from that. Put it this way, I have seen a lot of dominants, especially young M ones but not limited to them, who think it is about the clothing and the attitude, and they generally end up surprised they don't get many takers.

One last piece of advice? After doing all the reading, after looking at discussion forums like this, if you find someone you like and they like you, take advice into consideration but build your relationship the way you want it, the way it works for both of you, and if someone tells you you are doing it wrong, but it works for you, smile, and to quote a Bon Jovi song, tell them "Have a Nice Day"

(in reply to LookieNoNookie)

Post #: 9

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 8/31/2013 10:00:05 PM

DemonMutt

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline

Thank you all for the positive feedback and advice. I would like to address a couple of points as well.
First please bear with me a moment because sad as it is to admit at my age I'm almost helpless with most any tech to be honest other than my tab 2 that I'm using for all of this my favorite and most advanced peice of tech that I understand is my windup pocket watch, and my old fashioned ink well calligraphy set.
Okay first is that I truly appreciate all of the advice.
Next to the bit about first just trying to find a vanilla girl, I dont have much luck in that area to be honest because most women I meet either see me as a friend and nothing more, or a one night stand and nothing more.
Next I will be honest in regards to first just learning to be a good man... Well I can only do my best. I try to be the man my mom wanted to raise me to be. I honestly dont know how good of a job I am doing but I always try to be honest even if doing so gets me hurt but for me the two biggest things I try to live by are honesty and loyalty. I am loyal to those that have earned it and can honestly say that I will not hesitate to put my life on the line for those I care about. I will protect them and comfort them in any way I'm able. I dont know if this makes me a good man or not but its all I know how to be.
LookieNoNookie i dont tjink you were either too nice nor to harsh simply honest and i thank you and welcome it.
NJLauren once more thank you i will try to take your advice to heart.
Tsatske thank you I will certainly try to find a tng.
Arealivehuman thank you I do my best and can only hope I am a good man. Also to the first part of your comment that goes back to my trouble with tech I cwn barely work my tab so my profile was kinda slapdash, I can try to fix it but cant promise it wont wind up worse.
And finally Littlewonder well like I said I do my best and you did bring up one point that several of my friends in the past have tried to break me of. I am considered antisocial because I hate groups that I dont know very well. So in the beginning many think that I just hate people because in school I was the guy in the back of the class in the black hoody with the hood pulled up staying quiet and according to my friends exuding an aura of f*ck off and die. My best friends words not mine. I didnt consciously try to be that guy that's just who I was and am still trying to break away from.
But to sum up this bit thank you all for your input I truly appreciate it.

(in reply to njlauren)

Post #: 10

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 8/31/2013 10:02:13 PM

DemonMutt

Posts: 15
Joined: 1/21/2013
Status: offline

Oh and NJ? I always preferred Its My Life when it comes to Bon Jovi. But I get your message thank you.

(in reply to DemonMutt)

Post #: 11

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 9/1/2013 6:20:10 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

Ok, I've got some questions.
What exactly does your alpha male wolf mentality entail?
Aggression that your not proud of?

Well your choice of words would seem to suggest that you consider yourself to be the top dog... In what way?

What do you think this stuff has to do with the BDSM community? What do you want out of BDSM?

quote:

Next to the bit about first just trying to find a vanilla girl, I dont have much luck in that area to be honest because most women I meet either see me as a friend and nothing more, or a one night stand and nothing more.

Do you think BDSM or D/s will change that?

quote:

So in the beginning many think that I just hate people because in school I was the guy in the back of the class in the black hoody with the hood pulled up staying quiet and according to my friends exuding an aura of f*ck off and die. My best friends words not mine. I didnt consciously try to be that guy that's just who I was and am still trying to break away from.

That doesn't describe a alpha anything mentality, it's a socially dysfunctional mentality, more describing a "black sheep" than a wolf, I think many people go through similar stages on their way to adulthood.

The fact that your not proud of the aggressive behaviour is promising, but what would you say your not proud of exactly? Why is that something you don't like?

quote:

I didnt consciously try to be that guy that's just who I was and am still trying to break away from.

This is good as well, I would say a quality of any man I'd consider to be a dom, is the ability to be who they want to be, to make the life they want to have, it's control and determination and knowing who you don't want to be is a good start.

Of course, the next leg of that journey is... "what are you going to do about it?"

I replied to your thread because even though you are obviously new, I also get the feeling your being open and honest about these things, and in my opinion thats a good place to start.

In my view, personal power is a matter of being honest and shouldering the consequences... It's a foundation of character and the most valuable tool for self change, through introspection, when your honest with yourself.

< Message edited by ARIES83 -- 9/1/2013 6:22:34 AM >

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to DemonMutt)

Post #: 12

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 9/1/2013 7:41:40 AM

metamorfosis

Posts: 1132
Status: offline

OP, you're attractive, but your profile doesn't come across as dominant or even express your personality much. You seem calm, collected, and intelligent though. Those are good dominant traits. Although, what do you mean by "alpha male wolf" and aggression?

I would expand your profile to tell a little more about yourself and what precisely you're seeking.

In case it hasn't been mentioned yet, *fetlife* is a better site for local events. And being your age may make things a little harder. Don't get discouraged.

Good luck.

< Message edited by metamorfosis -- 9/1/2013 8:20:19 AM >

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Pam (aka gungadin09)

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(in reply to DemonMutt)

Post #: 13

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 9/1/2013 9:40:11 AM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

OP, sweetie, it took me many years to realize this, BUT - EVERYONE is unsure of themselves in large groups. The ones that shine in large groups are those that go past these feelings and put themselves on the line and make an effort. I consider myself shy, and happier in small groups with people I know , but if you asked anyone in the bdsm groups that I belong to , they would probably tell you that i'm outgoing and talkative. And I am, in those situations. Because I make an effort to talk to people.

Look for the people who aren't talking and make a point of talking to them. Yep, you'll be uncomfortable, but do it anyway. Its a skill and one that anyone can learn. And if you don't know what to talk about, talk about them - ask where they got a piece of clothing, how did they learn how to do XXXX, or how long have they known they were kinky. People enjoy talking about things they know, and most people know about themselves - lol.

< Message edited by kiwisub12 -- 9/1/2013 9:43:25 AM >

(in reply to metamorfosis)

Post #: 14

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 9/1/2013 9:53:05 AM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
Ok, I've got some questions.

And I'd like to add in, "What makes you say you're dom?" I don't ask that to challenge your self-assertion. I want to know what you mean when you say "dom" so the back-story should be helpful.

Aries' post was great. You should spend some good time with it.

A point to ponder.... by definition the lone wolf can never be the alpha wolf. You gotta have a pack to be alpha and that implies a certain level of facility with social interactions.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 15

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 9/1/2013 10:11:09 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83

quote:

So in the beginning many think that I just hate people because in school I was the guy in the back of the class in the black hoody with the hood pulled up staying quiet and according to my friends exuding an aura of f*ck off and die. My best friends words not mine. I didnt consciously try to be that guy that's just who I was and am still trying to break away from.

That doesn't describe a alpha anything mentality, it's a socially dysfunctional mentality, more describing a "black sheep" than a wolf, I think many people go through similar stages on their way to adulthood.

See that is what I was thinking. An alpha wolf has social skills or they wouldn't be alpha and they are great leaders or they wouldn't be alpha.

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to ARIES83)

Post #: 16

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 9/1/2013 10:19:11 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
Ok, I've got some questions.

And I'd like to add in, "What makes you say you're dom?" I don't ask that to challenge your self-assertion. I want to know what you mean when you say "dom" so the back-story should be helpful.

Aries' post was great. You should spend some good time with it.

A point to ponder.... by definition the lone wolf can never be the alpha wolf. You gotta have a pack to be alpha and that implies a certain level of facility with social interactions.

I will ditto Airies and Jeff's posts. Both good things to consider.

I will add. Believing something doesn't make it fact. In the end results is what matters not talk.

Words are empty unless they come with substance that give them meaning. So I as ask. What substance do you bring that give your words meaning?

Edited to add

Measure yourself to the standards you set for yourself not to the measure of others!

< Message edited by KnightofMists -- 9/1/2013 10:27:01 AM >

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to JeffBC)

Post #: 17

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 9/1/2013 4:00:12 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

alpha male wolf, no I'm not proud of it because yes I mean agression and all

According to the now debunked, scientifically inaccurate theory of 'alpha wolf', dominance came from a place of fear (fear of rejection, fear of not being able to defend oneself, fear because oneself is lonely) because researches took a bunch of unrelated wolves and forced them into captivity. They mauled each other repeatedly because they were not related to each other and that's what opposing 'sides' in the wolf world do to each other. Eventually the wolves got tired of mauling each other and had a pecking order that was fraught with constant bickering, fighting, and death threats from older/mature wolves toward younger/weaker wolves.

So basically what you're not proud of is being extremely antisocial and psychotic, living in fear and anxiety constantly because everyone around you is either out to get you or you're out to get them?

(Ok ok, I know that's not what you meant, but it irks the fuck out of me when people use the alpha wolf bullshit.)

_____________________________

I believe in Invisible Pink Unicorns

Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 9/1/2013 4:04:47 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SomethingCatchy
According to the now debunked, scientifically inaccurate theory of 'alpha wolf'...

Debunked roughly half a century ago as I remember but man we sure do love that one, don't we?

Hint for those who don't know. Pretty much the entire translation of "alpha wolf" is "dad".

< Message edited by JeffBC -- 9/1/2013 4:05:17 PM >

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to SomethingCatchy)

Post #: 19

RE: Would appreciate advice if anyone is willing to hel... - 9/2/2013 4:42:30 AM

ARIES83

Posts: 3648
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: ARIES83
Ok, I've got some questions.

And I'd like to add in, "What makes you say you're dom?" I don't ask that to challenge your self-assertion. I want to know what you mean when you say "dom" so the back-story should be helpful.

Aries' post was great. You should spend some good time with it.

A point to ponder.... by definition the lone wolf can never be the alpha wolf. You gotta have a pack to be alpha and that implies a certain level of facility with social interactions.

I will ditto Airies and Jeff's posts. Both good things to consider.

I will add. Believing something doesn't make it fact. In the end results is what matters not talk.

Words are empty unless they come with substance that give them meaning. So I as ask. What substance do you bring that give your words meaning?

Edited to add

Measure yourself to the standards you set for yourself not to the measure of others!

Thanks you two,
Well hopefully my line of questioning didn't come across too blunt or adversarial, I did honestly want to know the answers.

_____________________________

530 DAYS

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 20

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