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What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 5:12:52 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
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About once a week I have to have this discussion with someone on the other side. My profile, which is clear that I am not looking for an internet relationship and that I do not chat, text or Skype, and NEVER have phone or cyber sex, also says that I am not relocatable and am not interested in an LDR. I still get men from around the country and around the world (occasionally) trying to convince me that true love knows no distance. I'm afraid I think it does.

Here's what I think is wrong with an LDR:
In an LDR, how often do you project seeing each other. In a very dedicated LDR of this distance, couple might fly to see each other every 3 to 4 months. That means after 2 years, which seems like a long time, you might have visited 8 times. Now you want to talk about living together. I'm not going to consider living with someone I've met 8 times.

Even before that, after traveling that distance, you are probably going to expect sex or play. I do not play the first several meets. Ever. But you traveled all that distance. Not to mention that, having gone to the expense of traveling, you would naturally expect to be hosted. I do not let a man I just started dating into my apartment the first couple or three times we go out. Nor do I go to a new mans house. I like getting to know each other slowly, go to coffee, then maybe lunch, perhaps dinner. And if you do stay over, it brings the question of sex back up - should you be invited into the bedroom of a woman you just met, or should you be told to sleep on the couch.

I just think the way that LDRs develop is unnatural. I didn't always feel this way. When I was younger I felt very relocatable. I'm at a different point in my life now, and find myself wondering why anyone would do what seems so stilted to me, now.

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Post #: 1

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 5:28:17 PM

kalikshama

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After two LDR's that didn't work out, I had a strict "local guys only" policy and if I bothered to reply at all to non-locals, I usually just gave them the canned text. Except for the guy in the fighter pilot gear - him I told, "show up in a F-14 and I'm yours, Maverick!"

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 2

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 5:33:33 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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My very first Dom.

His job required a lot of travel and I work in the travel industry. So, between the two of us we saw each other twice a month for about a year.

Eventually, I made the decision to move to the Los Angeles area because I loved it here and the jobs available were fantastic compared to where I was living.

Once I got here, it fell apart within about 4 months. The reality is that the little things that exist in all of us started showing up and without the excitement of seeing each other for a few days each month, we were less inclined to over look those things.

I wouldn't do it again, even if I were single.

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RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 6:37:39 PM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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We were between 3 and 5 hours drive away depending on the traffic on and off Long Island. We aimed for once every 3 weeks but probably averaged once every 6. And one winter we didn't see each other for more than 3 months as it snowed every fucking weekend.

He moved up here after about 2 or 3 years. That was about 7 years ago and we're still going strong.

But we focused on the relationship and not the kink. We talked several times a day about our daily life. So when my daughter was learning to drive and backed into the closed garage door, he had no problem with me calling him so he could give me directions on how to fix it. And after several such mishaps he showed up one time with a cheap mirror which he mounted on the wall so we could see if it was fully open or not.

That's not exciting. There's nothing kinky about it. But it was a problem that he could easily fix and did without thinking anything much about it except it would make my life easier.

But he had no expectations for the first meet and neither did I. We met to see if there was any chemistry. He didn't expect to stay with me, he liked camping and did that. Had either of us any expectations, it wouldn't have worked.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 9/3/2013 6:51:07 PM >

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RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 6:40:58 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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I wasn't relocateable at all when I first met Master. My daughter was still in school and I had no desire to pick up and move her to another state. Yes, we were only 3 hours apart but we both worked full time and I had a child who I had to care for which left both of us with little extra time.

I had moved long distance once for the ex Dom who was 6 hours away at the time but my daughter was not in school yet and I wasn't working and not stuck in any one place.

Before I met Master though I had no intentions of moving anywhere else for many years until my daughter grew up and left home. So when I agreed to meet Master there was not any expectations on my part. I had already convinced myself it was just another meet and greet and nothing more.

But ya know, he took me by surprise. I wanted to continue to see him. I wanted to be with him. I remember at first hemming and hawing over the distance and telling him this wouldn't work. I still had 5 more years till I could move. Guess what? We made it work. We made time for each other. We made it a point to see each other almost every other weekend and some holidays. We stayed in hotels in the beginning, actually for a few years. We were both cautious and wanted to take our time to make sure we really were sure of each other. And guess what? He waited out those 5 years and here I am today with him.

So, imo...never say never. You just may be surprised.

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Post #: 5

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 6:55:09 PM

JeffBC

Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: tsatske
I just think the way that LDRs develop is unnatural. I didn't always feel this way. When I was younger I felt very relocatable. I'm at a different point in my life now, and find myself wondering why anyone would do what seems so stilted to me, now.

I'd be very tempted to agree with you... in general.

In reality I met Carol when we lived 1500 miles apart. We met about every 6 weeks for a year so less than 10 visits. We decided to get married. History shows that was a wise choice. Is that how I'd WANT to start a relationship? No. But I'm glad I didn't rule it out either when it fell into my lap.

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officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 6

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 7:14:38 PM

Shininglight23

Posts: 1336
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I was in a LDR--over 3,000 miles and it worked out for me in ways I cannot even express. I moved those 3,000 miles to be with him, and only after what a sane person would consider to be to short of a time. For us, it wasn't.

We aren't together today, but that is for reasons I won't go into, and not because we weren't compatible. I still see him weekly and often it's multiple times a week. For those moments.. I'm grateful.

The LDR I was part of gave me more than a warm body, and someone to lie next too. My move across the country helped me discover who I am--outside of daughter, sister, aunt, etc. It helped me break free of the roles I was given, and discover who I really am. It may be because I'm younger, but I will always believe that being intrepid was my best choice.

Allie

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Post #: 7

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 7:18:12 PM

KnightofMists

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I know it can work and evolve into living together. I also knw the odds are against the person that walks that path initially. Learning how to change the odds is rather important in my view

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(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 8

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 7:38:58 PM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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There's nothing "wrong" with LDRs, just like there's nothing "wrong" with poly. It's simply a kind of relationship that's harder to get to work.

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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Post #: 9

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 8:01:21 PM

tsatske

Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline

Well, DS, I did say, 'IMO'. by which I guess I really meant, 'why they are wrong for me'. I can certainly acknowledge that several people here have made them work very well for themselves.

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“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

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Post #: 10

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 9:52:51 PM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

I can't imagine anyone is going to move to Asia to be with me, and I'm not leaving for a couple of years because of personal reasons, but a LDR of a sort would work great for me. I need long periods of alone time to get my work done. I work like a fiend during the semester so that I can relax between semesters and focus on other things. I have four months of vacation per year that I could realistically use for a "together" kind of relationship. That is, I could move to a sweetie for a couple months, go back to work a few months with a little mid-semester, week-long jaunt and then back to "together" during the next vacation. It could work. I've seen it work for others in my profession. So for me, I don't rule it out. I also know it isn't most people's cup of tea, so I don't really expect a relationship to come knocking at my door. But if it knocks, well... who knows, yes?

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Post #: 11

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 10:03:00 PM

sexyred1

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It would not work for me, which is very sad, since all the nice guys who I seem to connect with, are long distance.

I need to be with someone frequently or I feel a lack of attention and I feel our bond is not as strong.

I know it works for many and as I said, I wish I could do it, but it does not seem to be in my DNA.

I will, however, never say never.

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 12

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/3/2013 11:24:05 PM

MistressDarkArt

Posts: 5178
Status: offline

I had a (mostly) long-distance relationship with my ex-husband. He lived on his 'boat' (the Enterprise) and I on mine at sea or in different ports about 65% of the time. This was light years ago before cell phones (for the masses), email, skype, etc. There were some pretty romantic moments. When I saw the E coming through the Golden Gate and I'd sail out to meet him and run alongside the huge carrier. I'd tie up at a public dock near the naval station about the time he was finally free to disembark. He'd hop aboard Zephyr with his sea bag and we'd sail to Angel Island for some reconnect time, then over Raccoon Strait to Sam's for brunch in Tiburon the next morning. Alas, it wasn't until we had to start living like a normal married couple that things began to fall apart...just the opposite of most couples.

I learned something very important about myself during those years: no matter how great a guy is, I prefer not to live with my partners. S and Cabin Boy are just 5 and 30 minutes away respectively...they maintain their own domiciles and I, mine. Huck lives 4 hours away; we see each other about once a month and it's awesome. Between the 3 there's just the right amount of company and togetherness.

Part-time togetherness works well for me.

(in reply to tsatske)

Post #: 13

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/4/2013 12:32:48 AM

NuevaVida

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I don't know if we're considered LDR or not, being an hour & a half away. We see each other every weekend.

There have been difficulties, though. He works two jobs and until recently had his daughter 50% of the time. And we do better talking about "serious" stuff face to face, so often times any issues that came up had to wait up to a week to be addressed.

But, like Des said, we've focused on the relationship and where we want it to go. The overall picture. About 2 years ago we decided we'd live together. I was going to move in with him but we both agreed it would be best to wait until his daughter finished high school. In that time, my sister with a special needs child lost her husband, and my mother is rapidly aging, so I feel the need to stay close for them.

Last month he informed me he transferred his job near to where I am, and that he'll be buying a house for us to live in together, up here, so I can continue to be there for my family.

There have definitely been difficulties along the way, but none we couldn't handle together.

Oddly enough, when we first "met" online, I liked the fact that he was farther away. It felt safer for me. I didn't want a relationship at the time, so just seeing someone every once in awhile was fine with me. Things have changed.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

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RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/4/2013 12:33:54 AM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

And one winter we didn't see each other for more than 3 months as it snowed every fucking weekend.

I think that's the first time I've ever seen you F-bomb here.

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Live Simply. Love Generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly.

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Post #: 15

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/4/2013 1:30:43 AM

ante

Posts: 21
Joined: 7/23/2007
Status: offline

The closest relationship I ever had with someone was long distance.
We talked nearly every other day and for a good few hours each time. There has never been another person who has known me that well, not even my ex-husband.
In my opinion as this is purely that, my personal experience, being online with someone actually erases some of the boundaries I often feel when I'm with someone in person. I open up in a totally different way and find it easier to be myself.

Knowing someone doesn't come from just meeting face to face.

I'll certainly never say never and rule it out again. If the connection is there and it feels right I'd gladly do it again.

(in reply to NuevaVida)

Post #: 16

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/4/2013 3:23:11 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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Joined: 3/15/2012
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FR

We moved in together after meeting in person twice. He moved internationally and came into the country on a fiance visa, which meant the wedding was booked before he touched down. That was seven years ago. We are very, very happy.

Would I recommend this method to someone else? No. It was hard work. It was frustrating only being able to communicate via internet and phone. It was incredibly expensive. Although we had been in contact for a long time, we were taking a really big chance. But you know what? You only live once, and we were young and willing to gamble. We won the jackpot.

If I could go back in time, I would do it again in a heartbeat. Our relationship has never gone through a time where I thought we were in trouble. In many ways, being long-distance helped. We had a lot of practical conversations through necessity. We had planned how we would deal with finances, for example, and when/if we would try for babies. We talked about 'what if' many, many times. We got good at communicating with each other because we had no choice but to communicate clearly and hear each other out. The adaptation phase was relatively painless. Pretty amazing, especially since I was just 19 years old, and had never lived with a partner (or even alone, except for college dorms).

Now when it comes to D/s... that took some adapting to. As part of our many conversations we had created this picture of how things were going to go. I expected to be the perfect sub from day one, and in reality I wasn't ready for that type of dynamic. We were both naive on that count. We took some steps back and let go of preconceived ideas of how we 'should' do things, and worked out our own way, and things got sorted out.

If something happened to him and I found myself dating again, I wouldn't allow myself to get involved long-distance. It is emotionally exhausting and frustrating, and I want my partner to be there when I need them, not when the rest of my life allows. In a LDR, you are in competition with the life that takes place around them, whereas in an ordinary relationship you are in the centre of it. Not to mention that now I have too many things in my life to risk with things going wrong. It's easier to take a big chance when you don't have many responsibilities.

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Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/4/2013 7:48:24 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: NuevaVida

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

And one winter we didn't see each other for more than 3 months as it snowed every fucking weekend.

I think that's the first time I've ever seen you F-bomb here.

Lol. Blame it on a weird upbringing. My father is a retired CEO and I spent most of my life around very important people so using common vulgarities was not permitted. However it's also not required to get my feelings across. I can flay someone without cursing very easily.

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RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/4/2013 12:16:53 PM

NuevaVida

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Joined: 8/5/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Lol. Blame it on a weird upbringing. My father is a retired CEO and I spent most of my life around very important people so using common vulgarities was not permitted. However it's also not required to get my feelings across. I can flay someone without cursing very easily.

It was similar for me, too. Dad had dignitaries for dinner and us kids had to be proper and well behaved. Mom was, and still is, adamantly opposed to cursing. Worst I ever heard my Dad say was "God Bless It!!!" I had my mouth washed out with an ivory bar just for saying "Shut up."

Not sure what changed, haha, I'm more comfortable with swearing now. Like you, I don't need it to relay what I really think, though.

But your f-bomb surprised me, and kind of made me laugh! When used sparingly, it's very effective.

< Message edited by NuevaVida -- 9/4/2013 12:17:24 PM >

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Post #: 19

RE: What's wrong with LDRs, IMO - 9/4/2013 1:44:57 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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Long distance is way too difficult for me , with too little skin contact. Local only for this woman.

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Post #: 20

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