quote:

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

Well, now.. this is inherantly everywhere is society. We are highly socialized to believe in the fantasy of being incomplete without another, and to demand perfection in all our interpersonal relationships.
end quote

This is where I must agree and sudo disagree. I know I am not perfect. Nor will I ever be. I know my Dom is not perfect. He won't ever be either. All we can do is try our hardest to please one another on a daily basis.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

True

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

highly able to cross over as a warning sign in the BDSM realm. Failure to take responsibility for ones actions is a key sign everywhere in my opinion.

True. Childish attitudes usually end up in people who cannot control their emotions. Mental and physical damage usually takes place.


(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

I think this is a continueation of the previous, refusal to accept any personal responsibility. Again a warning sign here and there.

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.


I'm not sure how I feel about this one.. I know dom/mes and sub who fit this discription, I think it is imperative to examine what behavior it manifests.

This is the number one relationship no no in counseling. Do not assume the world will revolve around you. It never does. Think of other's instead of yourself first.



(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

Amen!.. yet I see it in the BDSM world and the nilla realm equally. .. hmmm

Yep again, most serial killers abused animals as children..


(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

Ok.. the key to this statement is "AGAINST YOUR WILL"

True again. Rape is not about sex. Rape is about a powerless person feeling power so they rape. She uses the word playful there. Playful is not rape. It is role playing.


(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

OK.. I see this happen alot in the scene.. with and without consent. but people can consent to abuse in both real and illusionary situations, when does the line get crossed and it become abusive behavior?

I think the line crosses when myself or you disagree with the behavior. If I don't happen to like it...then it is abuse if I have to endure it. If I don't like it, it will eventually rid me of self esteem. Down the line, I may end up committing suicide, doing myself harm or whatever because I will feel I actually am worthless.
However, if I happen to like it, another story all together.



(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

Speaks for itself.

True

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
Speaks for itself
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

Which means you probably in time will Make them do it again.


(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."

Speaks for itself

Tell the FBI you didn't mean that threat. See where it gets you.

You've got my comments. Even if they are all within yours. I'm not sure how to quote a post and break it up without ending up inside the quote yet...hmm. Perhaps I should move it to work or something in the future?

quote:

ORIGINAL: MaitresseEden


(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT:
I too would say this is a warning sign within the BDSM paradigm.. agree? Definately, what is the rush? D/s relationships are built on a foundation of trust and respect, both of which take time to develop.

(2) JEALOUS:
Again.. Applicable everywhere(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything. If the asking permission is mutually consensual, I don't have a problem with it, if it is nonconsensual micromanaging, that tells me the person has self esteem & control issues.

Same here.. I just don't get Dom/mes who need to do these things, even if they are consented to, arn't they still an abuse of trust?
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS:
Well, now.. this is inherantly everywhere is society. We are highly socialized to believe in the fantasy of being incomplete without another, and to demand perfection in all our interpersonal relationships. I tell someone I am getting involved heavily with all the worst about me so they know I am real and a human being, which means I am not perfect, I am not the easiest person in the world to live with and there will be times I am going to piss them off & times I will get pissed off at them.

(5) ISOLATION: Very typical sign of an abuser, if they allow other people into your world, that other person may tell you the truth and cast doubts about the relationship.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: Big red flag, run, flee, get the hell out. Anyone who is too immature to admit when they have made a mistake and deal with the consequences is not mature enough to be in a committed relationship and it is only a matter of time before their mistakes are your fault.
highly able to cross over as a warning sign in the BDSM realm. Failure to take responsibility for ones actions is a key sign everywhere in my opinion.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: Again, refusal to accept responsibility.
I think this is a continueation of the previous, refusal to accept any personal responsibility. Again a warning sign here and there.

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: This sort of person gets annoying very quickly, their negative take on life will begin to chip away at your own optimism. I flee from people who are consistently negative.

I'm not sure how I feel about this one.. I know dom/mes and sub who fit this discription, I think it is imperative to examine what behavior it manifests.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Humongous red flag. Get out immediately.
Amen!.. yet I see it in the BDSM world and the nilla realm equally. .. hmmm
(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Look for consensuality and safe words, once a safe word is used, if it is ignored, the activity has become assault, consent was withdrawn.
Ok.. the key to this statement is "AGAINST YOUR WILL"

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse. Again look for consent, when the activity begins to harm the submissive, or cause illness, it is not acceptable, Dom/mes will ensure the health and well being of their subs, abusers don't care.

OK.. I see this happen alot in the scene.. with and without consent. but people can consent to abuse in both real and illusionary situations, when does the line get crossed and it become abusive behavior?


(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home. Look for consensuality

Speaks for itself.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: May be manic depressive and needs medical attention. If they refuse to acknowledge the problem and refuse treatment - red flag - get out.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Look for consensuality, best way is to talk to one or more of their past partners/

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Not funny, threats of violence are NOT humorous and not to be tolerated. Discussions of scene activity, limits and boundaries should be mutual, not threats of violent treatment.

quote:


(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

quote:

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

quote:

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.