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NuevaVida -> RE: The desire to change (9/4/2013 10:18:37 PM)
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Several years ago I had the most horrible year on earth: I left my 20 year marriage and he subsequently stalked me, my Dad died, 5 other family members and a close friend all died (cancer for all of them), I lost my house, was laid off, my nephew almost succeeded in his 2nd suicide attempt, and I had surgery to have a tumor (benign, fortunately) removed. The hardest moment was when I lost my faith, and everything I believed in.
I completely fell apart. Just too much to process in a single year.
A friend of mine, concerned about how every time I turned around, something bad would happen, said, "Whatever you're doing...do something different!" I thought he was joking at the time, but the idea stuck with me.
I realized I was very angry and I could very easily turn into a bitter old woman. I was seeing negativity in everything. Every time I asked, "What else can go wrong?" I got my answer.
So I made a conscious decision to turn things around for myself. I made a concerted effort to change my thinking. My new mantra became, "I am open to the possibility of goodness." I said it to myself all the time. Instead of planning for the worst, I prepared for goodness. I took a month-long journey to the east coast (I'm a west coast girl), rented a Mustang convertible, and drove from Maine to Georgia and everywhere in between. I learned a lot of things about myself on that trip, and journalled all of it. The two key things I learned: To listen to my inner voice again, which I had stifled for far too long; and to have compassion for myself. There were some pretty intense moments which brought me to that, and I'm grateful for them.
Any time I started thinking negative thoughts about life and what bad might happen, and any time I had a nasty thought about my ex, etc., I would refocus myself and think about something good. I literally retrained myself how to think.
I read a bunch of books that people think are new-agey and cheesy, and I got a lot out of them. I started meeting people who seemed to add exactly what I needed in my life at that time. I started trusting myself, and liking myself, and taking care of myself. I took ownership of my life back, and started making good decisions for myself (and forgiving myself for any not-so-good decisions).
It took a few years, and I'm constantly growing, but I did a complete 180 in my life. Never been happier.
All that bad ended up being a launching point for me, and I wouldn't be where I am now had I not been squeezed so hard out of my comfort zone (even if it was comfortably miserable). I am grateful for all of it.
SoulAlloy mentioned something crucial - the support of others. I would not have made it through were it not for the amazing love people showed me along the way. Family, friends, even strangers (will never forget the woman at the WEAVE (women escaping a violent environment) thrift shop who touched me in ways I'll never forget).
My brother is going through crisis right now, and didn't understand when I told him I'm here for him, but I'm so excited for who he is about to become.
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