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Newbee question - 9/11/2013 1:43:08 AM   
CandyCane2115


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/8/2013
Status: offline 		I am really new to this. When I meet a potential dom what are some of the questions he will ask and what are some questions I should ask him? Should I be completely honest and upfront or should I give just general answers?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 2:11:35 AM   
petitespot


Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline 		No different than meeting someone you've met from a vanilla dating site.
You talk about life and see if there's any attraction to the person.

_____________________________


(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 2:13:05 AM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline 		If you're really new to this, you should go to some local munches and not mess around with this site. Like 1 out of 200 of the guys who message you is a dom.

(in reply to petitespot)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 4:12:30 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		OP - meeting bdsm people is no different from dating in the vanilla world. You have to have a connection with them, enjoy their company and share common interests. Some of those interests are going to be unusual, and with that, you need to have something to talk about outside the bedroom, otherwise, its going to get very quiet.lol.

I have found that being honest is important, so you have a real relationship. You don't need to spill your guts at the first meeting about exactly how you want him to torture your toes, but some idea that you enjoy toe torture would be appropriate if the subject comes up.

There are some on cm that refuse to even discuss bdsm on a first meet, I'm not one of them. I prefer to get an idea of what the other is into to see if we are compatible, so my time and theirs isn't wasted. For example if he is into suspension and I find rope an absolute bore, even if I liked him a lot, there isn't much room for compromise there.

Once you decide how much in the way of specifics you are comfortable getting into, the rest is just conversation. Enjoy the dating process. Its a lot of fun.

(in reply to SerWhiteTiger)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 4:28:41 AM   
CandyCane2115


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/8/2013
Status: offline 		What's munches?

(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 4:36:39 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		A munch is a vanilla get-together of kinky people, in a restaurant or bar. Play is prohibited, as are kinky outfits and nudity. In other words, talk and meeting people with no pressure.

There's a concern here because you're so open and trusting, that you could easily be taken advantage of. A few general safety rules:

The conversation should be vanilla at first. That'll rule out the wankers who just want you to talk dirty so they can fap, as well as idiots who care more about kink compatibility than vanilla compatibility. When you do chat with someone, ask yourself if this is the kind of man you'd want to be with, just like vanilla dating. When you agree to meet, meet at a public place like a Starbucks, NOT at either person's place and not at a hotel room.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 11:07:54 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline 		My experience is that men who lead with their kinks never become someone with relationship potential, so if you are looking for more than some kinky sex, look for a well rounded man rather than a potential dom.

quote:

Should I be completely honest and upfront or should I give just general answers?

Be honest with questions that are appropriate for the stage of the relationship you are in. For example, now that B and I have been seeing each other for 7 months and are talking about living together, we have disclosed information about our finances. This conversation would not have been appropriate in the getting to know each other stage.

More commonly though, you might get questions about how often you masturbate or something of a similar sexual nature. Someone who asks overly personal questions too early is likely not relationship material.


(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 11:11:10 AM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyCane2115

What's munches?


http://lmgtfy.com/?q=north+carolina+munches

(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 11:12:23 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama

My experience is that men who lead with their kinks never become someone with relationship potential


Agreed. It's my view that if the first thing they talk about kink and sex...then that's all they're really looking for.

When I was single my standard answer was, "I don't discuss my sex life with people I don't know".

After all, why should I discuss my kinks and sex life with someone that I haven't decided if I like enough to meet, never mind have sex with?

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 9/11/2013 11:13:38 AM >

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 11:14:47 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyCane2115
I am really new to this. When I meet a potential dom what are some of the questions he will ask and what are some questions I should ask him? Should I be completely honest and upfront or should I give just general answers?

You should not "meet a potential dom". You should meet a guy who may or may not turn out to be "dominant" in whatever way is meaningful to you and may or may not have good chemistry with you.

There is no need to obey anything. If this potential dom tries to make you obey then, in my opinion, he's not dominant and probably dangerous.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 11:24:02 AM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JeffBC

quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyCane2115
I am really new to this. When I meet a potential dom what are some of the questions he will ask and what are some questions I should ask him? Should I be completely honest and upfront or should I give just general answers?

You should not "meet a potential dom". You should meet a guy who may or may not turn out to be "dominant" in whatever way is meaningful to you and may or may not have good chemistry with you.

There is no need to obey anything. If this potential dom tries to make you obey then, in my opinion, he's not dominant and probably dangerous.




Seriously, go to munches. Newbie subs really shouldn't be doing anything in this lifestyle until they befriend other experienced subs. It's a wonderful and fulfilling lifestyle, but jumping into it via meeting a "dom" on a dating site is a good way to get burned.

(in reply to JeffBC)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 11:33:46 AM   
CandyCane2115


Posts: 4
Joined: 9/8/2013
Status: offline 		Thank you all so much for the advice. I really don't know what I am doing I guess. I am just curious. I will take your advice and try these munches first. How can you find one? I definitely will not try meeting a dom now but rather find a man to have a relationship with.

(in reply to SerWhiteTiger)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 11:41:30 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyCane2115
Thank you all so much for the advice. I really don't know what I am doing I guess. I am just curious.

You are doing a thing known as "dating". Really... try to keep that in mind. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. There are no special rules to BDSM dating. So if you're the type to jump in the sack on a first date then I suppose there's no reason not to obey on the first date. If you're more the long-term relationship type then act accordingly.

In terms of finding munches, google is your friend. Just google munch and your city/state and sees what comes up. There is also another site called fetlife which allows people to form their own groups on any topic they want. Many people have made geographic groups specifically for this purpose.


_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 11:46:13 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyCane2115

Thank you all so much for the advice. I really don't know what I am doing I guess. I am just curious. I will take your advice and try these munches first. How can you find one? I definitely will not try meeting a dom now but rather find a man to have a relationship with.


I have found that Fetlife is the easiest way to find munches/socials. I usually also recommend finding an experienced female submissive from you local community to be your mentor/guide.




_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 11:53:38 AM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyCane2115

Thank you all so much for the advice. I really don't know what I am doing I guess. I am just curious. I will take your advice and try these munches first. How can you find one? I definitely will not try meeting a dom now but rather find a man to have a relationship with.



Don't take it too hard. You're doing what almost everyone does when they're new. We're just trying to help you hopefully skip over some of the difficulties that many newbies encounter. There are many good and amazing people in this lifestyle, and it can be very fulfilling, but there are also people who take advantage of others, and it can be difficult for newbie subs to tell the difference. It's really just like regular life in that way, but since you're giving another person more power over you, both the rewards and the dangers go up.

The best ways to find munches are to do a google search for your city and the word munch or to search for your city on Fetlife and check out the different groups that are active. I don't know what part of North Carolina you live in, but this munch group apparently serves a good chunk of central NC: http://www.trianglemunchgroup.org/

< Message edited by SerWhiteTiger -- 9/11/2013 11:54:39 AM >

(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 12:10:02 PM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		What worked for me was to get some BDSM & D/s background, I got mine mostly from reading these forums and searching around on the internet. Use that to figure out what you might/might not be interested in, and then set out to find someone who is a good match for you in everything but kink. As everyone else suggested, take sex and kink off the menu and search for compatibility. Then, at the appropriate time, introduce kink into the relationship.

There are many more men on this site and any other adult type site than women, you will get a lot of pressure from them for you to latch onto them immediately for a relationship so they can keep their prize. Resist that, and keep things light and appropriate for two people that are mostly strangers to each other. You will get a lot of men who want to use some variation of informing you how "real" submissives do things - there aren't any rules and nothing you HAVE to do in order to be a submissive. Do whatever you are comfortable with. Figure out where your usual relationship parameters are and stick to them - if you generally don't have sex till the 3rd date, that is what you do now regardless of what pressure you are getting.

My profile is not visible, but when it was, I have nothing about kink in it. I got sick of men only asking me about the kinky/sexy things I had listed and not about other activities. If men mention sex or kink when they contact me, I ignore them. I refuse to let down my boundaries even for a question or two, because it seems that when those are down, they stay down. If you answer one question about kink in general, it seems that the answer becomes a lever that is used from that point on for guys to start going down the road of feeling they can get more and more personal information from you. I just shut down anything I consider outside normal social boundaries right from the start.

My opinion is that kink is not the basis for a relationship. Therefore I avoid it and concentrate on the other things that need to be found out for compatibility.

If you're here to find kinky sexytime with casual partners, disregard everything I said and carry on. Then you'll want to use a kinky check list with your potential Dom du jour to ascertain what's on the table and try to get a realistic idea of what his experience level is, and if he is trustworthy and will respect your limits, and set up a safe call, and take your chances that he was honest and won't hurt you beyond what you signed on for intentionally or by accident.

(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 3:13:44 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyCane2115

I am really new to this. When I meet a potential dom what are some of the questions he will ask and what are some questions I should ask him? Should I be completely honest and upfront or should I give just general answers?


What do you do when you go on "vanilla" dates? Same thing.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Newbee question - 9/11/2013 5:21:03 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyCane2115

Thank you all so much for the advice. I really don't know what I am doing I guess. I am just curious. I will take your advice and try these munches first. How can you find one? I definitely will not try meeting a dom now but rather find a man to have a relationship with.


https://fetlife.com/groups/1184

https://fetlife.com/groups/3700

https://fetlife.com/groups/1792

https://fetlife.com/groups/30947/about

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to CandyCane2115)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Newbee question - 9/13/2013 6:31:27 AM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyCane2115

Thank you all so much for the advice. I really don't know what I am doing I guess. I am just curious. I will take your advice and try these munches first. How can you find one? I definitely will not try meeting a dom now but rather find a man to have a relationship with.


I have found that Fetlife is the easiest way to find munches/socials. I usually also recommend finding an experienced female submissive from you local community to be your mentor/guide.


CandyCane - please note the advice that a mentor should be a female submissive - men offering to "mentor" or "train" you is likely just a euphemism for them wanting NSA sex.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Newbee question - 9/13/2013 6:36:25 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kalikshama
CandyCane - please note the advice that a mentor should be a female submissive - men offering to "mentor" or "train" you is likely just a euphemism for them wanting NSA sex.

In support of that, I actually do "mentor or train" some people... sometimes even over long distance. But you know what? If someone came to me asking to be trained I'd be backing away slowly and the thing I do I don't call training. I call it either "teaching" or "talking about BDSM" and it does not include either sex or any sort of romantic relationship (*sigh* usually -- screwed that up once).

As a guy I like female subs helping newer female subs get oriented. It avoids the fox guarding the hen-house problem.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to kalikshama)
Profile   Post #: 20
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