Escaping Self-Pity (Full Version)

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dcnovice -> Escaping Self-Pity (9/11/2013 4:16:20 PM)

A friend is drowning in a sea of self-pity, and I confess I'm not immune to that ailment myself.

So I'm curious.

What works for folks to swim out of self-pity before the currents drag you down?



angelikaJ -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/11/2013 4:34:37 PM)

I think it is always harder to engage in self-pity when one is being proactive.

I got this from sunshinemiss [:)] :

https://www.superbetter.com/

And the rest of the story...



JeffBC -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/11/2013 4:34:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dcnovice
What works for folks to swim out of self-pity before the currents drag you down?

This is probably going to be entirely unhelpful but what works for me is the certain knowledge that all the self-pity in the world changes nothing. Whatever the problem or problems are, I want to get on fixing them. If it's some hurtful thing in the past I remind myself about dragging boat anchors around.



angelikaJ -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/11/2013 4:37:50 PM)

Also, one thing that sometimes works for some people is to allow yourself to feel self-pity... but have a hard and fast time limit.

Be your most self-pitying self for the next 10 minutes or the next 3 days.

And when the time is up, stop.



littlewonder -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/11/2013 4:48:16 PM)

Either Master reminds me of why I should not be pitying myself and that I'm just being selfish which almost always pulls me out.

Or I find something that inspires me or makes me realize I'm being an idiot and that pulls me out...could be just a picture of something, or a news story or talking to someone or even just getting outside and realizing how beautiful the day is.



JstAnotherSub -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/11/2013 6:35:24 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

Also, one thing that sometimes works for some people is to allow yourself to feel self-pity... but have a hard and fast time limit.

Be your most self-pitying self for the next 10 minutes or the next 3 days.

And when the time is up, stop.

When I get a hankerin for self pity, this is what I do.

And I can waller in some pity!!!!!!!!!



ShaharThorne -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/11/2013 7:01:36 PM)

Ben and Jerry's Cheesecake Brownie ice cream and roleplaying forums.

I made a new kinky friend that way today!



Spiritedsub2 -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/11/2013 8:53:45 PM)

Self-pity is often indistinguishable from sadness. What I do is try to figure out the source, spend some time with it, feel what I feel instead of trying to change or avoid it, and let it play itself out.



LadyPact -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/11/2013 11:44:12 PM)

The time limit thing is an excellent suggestion. I liked it. [:)]

My personal resolution for it is either diving into a project or doing something for somebody else. Either of those will get the focus shifted.




xxblushesxx -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 2:35:49 AM)

I keep up on a missing children's website. They're often found...not alive. I see the parents of the missing and the found being proactive regarding laws, and justice, and I figure if they can keep going, so can I.

Also, just *doing* something...cleaning out a long-ignored closet, writing a blog entry I've been putting off, working on my websites, anything but thinking about myself and my own little problems.



sunshinemiss -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 3:05:32 AM)

I find the one thing that makes me happy no matter what and I do it. Right now that thing is riding my bike. I talk to all the flowers and the trees and the river. I say hello to people along the path.

Today, I told a pond it had beautiful lotus flowers in it. I told some mud how much I liked it when it splashed up on me and made me feel like and ATHA AH LEET. I told a bird that it had pretty blue wings. I sang along with the 70s station that I play on my phone. It ALWAYS makes me happy. Taking photos of things in nature works too.

hugs,
sunshine



TigressLily -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 4:26:34 AM)

It's always hard to watch a friend suffering, but is this person feeling sorry for himself in general or angst-ridden with anxiety and/or guilt? Many of us indulge in having a pity party periodically, sometimes it's to garner sympathy or needing to be uplifted with words of encouragement but being afraid to ask. Being there as a friend makes all the difference in the world, as long as you don't let this person's negativity drag you down in the process. It's possible s/he needs professional help and is showing signs of mild clinical depression. There are many causes for chemical imbalances in the brain, often due in part to lack of vitamins, mineral deficiencies in potassium, magnesium, selenium, zinc, etc. S/he should get checked out to eliminate physiological causes first which may be contributing factors to a state of malaise, even mental instability.

sunshinemiss has the right idea--fresh air, exercise, an appreciation for nature. Perhaps this person can join a yoga class for stress relief if nothing else. I went through a horrendous period when I lost 2 loved ones within 3 months of one another after long, lingering illnesses, and the only thing that helped me get through it was music (self-)therapy. I used to journal on & off for many years, perhaps this person can find some artistic expression in painting or handcrafting. Ultimately, nobody can change her/his situation for the better unless they are willing to take pro-active steps to do so. Doing nothing will only keep your friend snared in a mindtrap which gets retrogressively worse.



needlesandpins -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 4:39:56 AM)

i always seem to have the emotional police around me telling me how I have no right to feel like I do because there is always someone worse than me somewhere in the world. i'd really like to punch these people in the face. we all have our own problems no matter how big or small compared to someone else's.

for instance; right now I have some health issues going on, and I know there are people in far worse situations than myself. however, this week I've been in a lot of pain and the med's aren't working. my mouth is sore because I have mouth ulcers which I very rarely ever get so eating and drinking as been difficult. I feel pretty miserable. again I do know there are those in worse pain than myself. I know there are people dying. so should I not allow myself any self pity? I do have people around me that will tell me this.

the thing is though I grew up with no love, no sympathy, no-one to care whether I was ill, good, bad or otherwise. no-one to help me fight my battles and I was very much on my own. I thought that if no-one cared about me that I didn't really deserve to care about myself either.

these days I realise that I sure spent a lot of time fighting for what is me. so you know what I do deserve a little care, and part of that care is some self pity too. so I do allow myself that self pity and I don't care whether people think i'm selfish, self absorbed or anything else you want to spin as a negative way. I deserve to have my emotions and pity my self for the crap that I have thrown at me. trying to conform to other people's views made me bottle it all up in a very bad way that hurt me even more.

while I don't give myself time limits the fact that I allow myself the permission to feel is enough to get over it in itself. Himself is good though because He encourages me to talk about my stuff. my son is also great.

the rest is just doing what it takes to get by.

needles



MsBlackheart -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 4:52:20 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

i always seem to have the emotional police around me telling me how I have no right to feel like I do because there is always someone worse than me somewhere in the world. i'd really like to punch these people in the face. we all have our own problems no matter how big or small compared to someone else's.
*snip*


Awww needles, my sympathies, you poor dear. You do deserve pity, and I despise that argument that seeks to quell your suffering because there might be someone suffering more, as if that should not only shut you up but relieve your suffering. What utter nonsense. Your suffering IS valid, and I commend you for your finding solace where you can and having the kind of mind that is capable of creating it within yourself.

I hope you feel better soon. *hugs*



needlesandpins -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 5:12:45 AM)

thank you.

it's not so much that I want their pity. I just don't want them to be dismissive and belittle what i'm going through as though my problems should not be important to me because someone else has it worse.

I know that what DC is going through right now is worse than my stuff as it stands right now, but I know my stuff is worse is worse than my son's stitches that are irritating him and will be out soon. I wouldn't dream of belittling what he's been going through with it though when he's complaining to me if you get what I mean.

reading back I see it's hard to get my point over without it just sounding like i'm whinging about it lol

needles



PeonForHer -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 5:19:28 AM)

quote:

Ben and Jerry's Cheesecake Brownie ice cream and roleplaying forums.


My equivalent is a Bachelor's Night In. A BNI is simple to arrange: half bottle of whisky, strong cheese with biscuits, Mr Kipling fruit pie and cream, and an unpleasantly violent video.



kalikshama -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 7:23:39 AM)

quote:

What works for folks to swim out of self-pity before the currents drag you down?


Distraction - do something new - volunteer, signup for a class, join a gym, take yoga, start a garden.

I'm thinking about getting a cold frame and doing a winter garden. A woman who was in my food coop years ago kept things like Miner's Lettuce alive all winter and said it grew every month but February. This was in Massachusetts.

Volunteering is good on many levels, as is exercising (different ones, though, lol.)

ETA - if all else fails, Ben & Jerry's.




getoutnow -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 7:39:58 AM)

From what I have seen about self pity, it's all about not liking the current situation you are in.

You find yourself to in a place that you absolutely wish you were not in and don't have the will to get out of it.

Unfortunately, I have found myself once in the darkest deepest pit you can ever imagine. I was convinced that the only way of escape was suicide. I'm not someone who would do it as a cry for help either. I'd just do it and let someone else deal with the consequences.

However, I was lucky. When I did make the decision to go ahead with it. My stubborn side kicked in and told me I was better than that and to stop feeling sorry for myself and that I should work towards fixing things. In those times, all I would do is stay in bed feeling sorry for myself and wishing life was different.

Now, life is a different contrast. I'm earning more money, living in a beautiful place, exercising and work is something I enjoy rather than being a chore. I am thankful for what I have and I will continue doing what I am doing. Which above all is being selfish. Oh before you ask? I tried always do to do the right thing by other people or give other people the benefit of the doubt. Not now. Not any more.

If you want to be better, look after #1. Decide what is better for you. Get yourself out of your own pit. As when you are in there, you are all alone.



dcnovice -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 6:35:31 PM)

quote:

i always seem to have the emotional police around me telling me how I have no right to feel like I do because there is always someone worse than me somewhere in the world. i'd really like to punch these people in the face. we all have our own problems no matter how big or small compared to someone else's.

The Positivity Police sometimes get to me too, especially since there doesn't seem to be much hard evidence of a positive attitude's having much impact on cancer. Now and then, I've bitten my tongue to keep from saying, "Well, when you go through chemo, you can show us all how it's done."

That said, I do (most days) try to seem as positive as possible, since it definitely draws forth better responses from folks, both clinicians and family/friends.



dcnovice -> RE: Escaping Self-Pity (9/12/2013 6:37:59 PM)

quote:

I know that what DC is going through right now is worse than my stuff as it stands right now, but I know my stuff is worse is worse than my son's stitches that are irritating him and will be out soon. I wouldn't dream of belittling what he's been going through with it though when he's complaining to me if you get what I mean.

I do. I always tell folks I don't believe in competitive misery. Everyone's travails are tough.

That said, I must confess that in a particularly irritated moment, I did once offer to trade my rectal cancer for my friend's noisy neighbors. He declined.



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