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needs help - 9/13/2013 8:16:26 AM   
StephenSpanks56


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/30/2013
Status: offline 		Hello, I have recently been talking with a bottom, claims not to be submissive,need some help on establishing some good rules. Stephen
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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 8:17:49 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		dont stab the dominant in the eye with a fork.

_____________________________

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 8:30:39 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenSpanks56
Hello, I have recently been talking with a bottom, claims not to be submissive,need some help on establishing some good rules. Stephen

What exactly do you mean "claims not to be submissive"? Why are you trying to "establish rules" for a bottom? What sort of rules might you have in mind?

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 8:42:01 AM   
StephenSpanks56


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/30/2013
Status: offline 		She has said, she wants rules established and if broken I have the right to spank her if she breaks them.....so I am trying to come up with some established rules for her

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 8:49:11 AM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Well, here's the thing: your establishing rules, seems awfully close to your establishing some kind if power dynamic with her.

So, my suggestion is to not get bogged down in terminology and to sit down with her and come up with rules that make sense to both of you.

Are these rules supposed to shape her into being pleasing and obedient for you, or are they supposed to reinforce things in her life she wants to change?

Sit down together and figure it out.

_____________________________

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 9:10:40 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		She is a bottom. Rules are you stop when she says stop, unless she tells you otherwise.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 9:21:32 AM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ
Sit down together and figure it out.

This. You've got a bottom, not a submissive and not a slave. As angelikaj suggested, the labels are pretty muddy but even so, she is starting out at the least submissive option possible. So you work the rules together.

I have little experience with this sort of thing but it sounds like she's got some hot fantasy she wants to recreate that involves being punished for being bad. Almost certainly she's only going to accept your judgement of "good/bad" in very specific areas which match her fantasy. You need to understand what that fantasy is.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 9:21:41 AM   
StephenSpanks56


Posts: 3
Joined: 6/30/2013
Status: offline 		She has asked me though what kind of rules I have....which I honestly think she can easily break to be spanked.....like getting a ticket for speeding, or being late, those types of things

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 9:49:36 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenSpanks56

She has asked me though what kind of rules I have....


So, let me see if I understand this...you don't know what YOUR OWN rules are?

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 10:48:32 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If she/he is not submissive, then you have no right to give out rules. Negotiate with them what play they want vs what play you want.

The only person you can give rules to is yourself. As to where you draw the line for compatibility within a relationship.

If she's talking role play, that's different. Then order her to pick you the winning lottery number and 'punish' her for not doing it.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 11:01:09 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline 		You sound really unclear here on what's going on, which in this type of relationship, can be dangerous. You really need to have a detailed talk with this person so you understand what scenario she's got playing in her head. If you are interested in fulfilling that, which is sounds like you are, then you can work out the details together.

If you want to know what winds her up, there's not shortcut to asking her.

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 11:06:42 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		There's really, really little to go on here. Like Des, it does come across to Me as though the bottom that you are dealing with likes to engage in play that is sometimes known as funishment. In other words, the spankings fulfill her more if she associates it with a fun type of punishment. She wants you to make up rules that she doesn't necessarily obey to have the game work for her. Some bottoms of this type want to associate there having to be a reason to receive the spanking, rather than just saying the spanking is fun.

On the other hand, OP, you seem like one of those folks who thinks the spanking itself is hot/fun/whatever, but you might not have much experience with bottoms of the above type. What you need to do is come together on the issue so the play partnership can be fulfilling for both of you.

It's not hard to come up with rules that she can 'break' to satisfy her need for wanting to feel like she's being punished. Wear hair up or down. A certain color of underwear. A certain color of toenail polish for when she comes to play. A certain kind of shoes.

Just really basic, simple stuff that isn't overly dramatic that when she doesn't do it the way she was told, you have the predetermined right to spank her. It fulfills her need. It fulfills your need. No rocket science.


_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

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(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 11:22:18 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You don't want her to go around speeding in order to get spanked. It's dangerous and she's risking her license.
Same with being late, what if she really does get a flat or has to get a tetanus shot after being stuck by a rusty nail? You don't want to set up her being punished when she did nothing wrong.

Switch it around and ask if she's been a good girl. Did she obey the speed limit? Did she drive safely? Then she gets a good girl spanking.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 12:13:28 PM   
hlen5


Posts: 5890
Joined: 3/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

dont stab the dominant in the eye with a fork.



_____________________________



My fave Thread: http://www.collarchat.com/m_2626198/mpage_1/tm.htm

One time "Phallus Expert Extraordinaire"

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 12:15:41 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		I'm a little uncomfortable with some of this. She wants to be spanked. I would hate to think that you would be encouraging her to put herself in danger with rules like, 'Don't get a ticket for speeding'. or 'Don't bounce a check', for instance. These things are not a good idea to do, and by making the rule, you are encouraging her to break it to get spanked.

I'm not a bottom, I'm a slave, but I've always tried to keep rules, and just ask for spankings. But obviously that's not what she wants. Can you make rules that won't put her or her lifestyle in danger to break? Like, 'do the dishes after dinner before you watch TV'? Or, 'put your clothes in the laundry hamper, not on the floor'? It sounds kind of like she's playing with the idea of submission but not yet sure that's what she wants, so that seems okay.

I would suggest making most of the rules have to do with your time together, like 'don't be late for sessions' or 'don't wear underwear' or whatever.

What are the rules for punishment? Are you to respect safewords during punishment? what is on and off the table to use for punishement?

_____________________________

“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 2:17:26 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Dude, if you are so green you can't even begin to relate to a bottom without help, you probably aren't ready yet. Do some reading, join a local group, get a mentor etc.

_____________________________

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I give good thread.

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 2:47:43 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline 		It can literally begin and end with, "Were you a good girl or a bad girl today?" Don't make things overly complex, especially if you're just starting out.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 2:48:46 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Here is how it really should work.

good girls get spanked, bad girls get ignored, massively.

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 9/13/2013 2:52:22 PM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 3:04:53 PM   
SerWhiteTiger


Posts: 437
Joined: 8/12/2013
From: Why is my name Florida? That's a state!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mnottertail

Here is how it really should work.

good girls get spanked, bad girls get ignored, massively.


That's good for training submissives who want to be spanked, but it sounds like this girl is more someone whose kink is getting punished for "bad" behavior.

But she might also want to try to not get punished and will be disappointed if the rules are easy enough that she can follow them and never get punished.

So the trick, I think, is to give her rules but make them vague so that you can always find fault and punish her.

Really though, it's the kind of thing where we can't really figure out what she wants to give OP good advice, because we don't know the girl and don't know what she's actually communicating and simply have OP's filtered perception, so any advice we give could be right on or could be god awful and destroy their relationship. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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RE: needs help - 9/13/2013 3:58:41 PM   
HarryVanWinkle


Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StephenSpanks56

She has said, she wants rules established and if broken I have the right to spank her if she breaks them.....so I am trying to come up with some established rules for her


The best rule here I can think of is that she is absolutely forbidden to say, "I want a spanking."

The punishment for breaking this rule is, of course, a spanking.

I do SM. I do it for fun. I enjoy being tortured in various ways by people who have fun torturing me. I enjoy torturing people who enjoy being tortured by me. It's about having fun, not "punishment".

(in reply to StephenSpanks56)
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