njlauren
Posts: 1577
Joined: 10/1/2011
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What you are describing is a relationship coming apart, and the whole separate vanilla vs BD/SM thing is meaningless, because you two have a relationship, you are a married couple and parents, and whatever you do that affects the other is part of that broad relationship with all its facets. Yes, there are people who are couples, who have outside relationships, in vanilla world it could be an open marriage, it could be poly; it could be in the relationship one of the partners is sub with their spouse, and the sub has a sub of their own outside the marriage, and some vanilla spouses have an agreement that their kinky spouse can have a kink relationship....then, too, people are poly.
But as Lady P put so well, even in a poly there are rules, and there can be a primary relationship that takes precedence, like Lady P and her husband.
To be honest, what this sounds to be is like your husband was looking for something different and kind of on his own decided to go out and do his own thing, and is hiding it under wanting to be trained, which to me is kind of suspicious (especially with the thing with his ex). Yeah, he has read the same fiction stories and such a lot of people have, with seeing the spectacular domme to train him, so he can be a better sub, and is selling that to be able to do what he is. I don't know what the relationship with the other woman is, but from what little you have written I suspect it is more like he has found another woman to have a fling with and is using the 'training' as a cover. Note this kind of thing goes on in real life, there are scene people where a sub may be trained by someone else, but usually when this happens in my experience the primary partner (you) would be involved in some way, the fact that this is totally away from you bothers me. If he is training to be more of a lifestyle sub, I would assume the idea would be to allow perhaps you and he to have a D/s....this sounds more like he is seeing her, either as a girlfriend on side where they are kinky, or some variation thereof, and it doesn't sound like training to me.
What irritated me the most is when he told you you are no fun any more , you are too serious, if someone told me that they would end up with a size 13W women's pointy toe boot in their family jewels. It is obvious you aren't happy, and what that is doing is shifting the onus from him to you, blaming you (if he ever said something like that in therapy, he would be told in no uncertain terms that was unacceptable). It is no different then a cheating spouse telling their Significant other "what's the big deal? It was only sex!".
The problem with what he is doing is what my therapist used to tell us, "where is the we in this?". He is having a grand old time, but what are you getting out of it? You are angry, you are upset and you feel torn, and he has to know you are upset, and instead of trying to make you feel better, try to bolster the relationship, he dismissed you and your feelings and that sucks. If a friend of mine told me they were doing what your husband is, I would give them a reality check and tell them they were acting like an ass, and deserved a good swift kick in the ass.
I think the problem here is you guys are kinky, apparently had some fun with it in the bedroom, decided you may want it to be more lifestyle, but before you were ready your husband kind of jumped into it and totally lost sight of the 'we'. I won't even call him poly, because what it sounds like to me is he sees it as being "I'll get my jollies, you can do what you want" and that isn't poly, poly is an agreed upon relationship between the people, it is not doing what you want and to hell with anyone else.
If he said you can call a timeout anytime, I would recommend doing it, and telling him that maybe someday you can get to the point where it will be okay to do things like being with others, getting 'trained', but that it wasn't working right now and you both needed to take a step back. He isn't being lent out, he lent himself out because quite frankly you aren't in the picture, and that is not good. If it were me, I would tell him it is out of control, that I loved him, but that what he was doing was tearing myself apart, and then saying that we need to work on our relationship first before including others, and I would strongly say we need to talk to a marriage counselor. Among other things, he is not a free agent, and he is playing with a lot more than his dick, if you have kids, he is endangering the family, whether you stay together and you are miserable, or you split up, they will be affected and he is losing sight of that. If he is truly poly, if he needs that outside stuff to stay fulfilled, he at least owes it to you to try and work up to that, he jumped off the deep end and expected you to do it, too (not surprisingly, because he got all the fun and none of the pain). You need to communicate, and he needs a wake up call that a relationship is not when he feels like it, it is always there no matter what we do, where we go, and as Lady P said that relationship has to be always kept at #1.
One other question to ponder (and I can't answer this, it is for you to answer), how are you in the non sexual things, the non kinky things? Do you guys enjoy spending time together? Do you do things with the kids, or do things with each other, spend time as companions? Usually when I see what you are talking about it is when that has been lost, and if you don't have that, then it isn't him going off that is the problem, it is that as people you have grown apart......sometimes people think being kinky is going to save the marriage, it is like when people think swinging or threesomes or whatever is going to save it, if the two people don't have basic companionship, none of that is going to work.
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RE: Husband loaning out vs. feelings - 
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