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RE: why! - 9/22/2013 9:59:28 PM

LafayetteLady

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Actually, I don't know that I'm open to him coming back. The last time he promised to matke changes and obviously they didn't last. This has been an ongoing problem with him and he sees nothing wrong with what he is doing.

This coming and going is like having your heart ripped out every other day. If he were my spouse, there would be all kinds of help. If I were very old and he did these things, there would be help. I begged the courts for help when he was a teen, and they turned me down.

Being a parent isn't easy, being a single parent even harder, but it definitely isn't supposed to be like it is with him

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RE: why! - 9/22/2013 10:07:37 PM

LafayetteLady

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Angry is an understatement! I've stopped looking for him to grow up and change. Its like linus waiting for the great pumpkin.

The bus service we have doesn't go to my local library, but the one at the county seat. Its very small. I do go there and they are very nice, but they don't have programs. The problem with where the bu goes is that the county seat is basicall full of homeless and downtrodden, the type you don't really want to socialize with. Most of the shops are even closed up.

When I had internet at home, it was better. I was somewhat connected to the world. Now without cable or internet (except through my phone), its very isolated. Still, I'm working on ways to get out more.

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RE: why! - 9/22/2013 10:25:43 PM

LafayetteLady

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Thanks lw.the idea that he would see me healthy is kind of funny. We live 5 miles apart and did during the time we weren't talking before, yet we don't run into each other. I don't expect we will this time either.

As you know I was wary about letting him back in, and I do question that decision in hindsight. It seems I'm not strong enough to turn him away if he wants to be her, and not strong enough to deal with him when he is here.

I contacted a friend I lost touch with. We were very close. She is working on when she can come visit since she lives in PA now. I'm looking forward to it.

I'm not giving up but I am indulging in a short pity pary, lol. Already I am forcing myself to do things I'm too depressed to deal with (like the dishes!). Oh and my best friend is visiting from germany for 5 days in October. . I'm really looking forward to that.

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Post #: 23

RE: why! - 9/23/2013 7:23:45 AM

TheLilSquaw

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LL,

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a tough and heart breaking place to be with any family member yet alone your child.

These are questions I found myself facing this past year with my own now adult daughter.
I have to tell myself HER choices and actions that lead us here and that wavering on certain things would be a huge dis-service to her. I haven't given up on her, nor is it a matter of me not caring. I have taken the stance with her I have because I do care because I can't just give up.

I realized a long time ago (in my childhood to be exact) that family can do the most damage to us.
That doesn't mean we have to allow them to. We still owe it to ourselves to protect ourselves, even if that means cutting people we love out our lives.

The hardest lesson I have had to learn is that in order for me to take care of anyone else I have to take care of myself 1st otherwise, I'm useless.

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RE: why! - 9/23/2013 3:54:21 PM

theshytype

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quote:

Is no family really better than a toxic one?

As others have answered, so will I, yes.

It seems as though many people "write-off" family members for a variety of reasons, at different points, for different lengths of time.
I did it to my sister for two years. Until she got her stuff together and gave me a heartfelt apology.
And I'd do it again, for even longer, if need be.

It was difficult for my parents to watch but understood as they too have dropped siblings out of their life. My mother stopped speaking to her sister for over a decade, and stopped talking to her brother permanently.
My father has four sibling and only one of them he is willing to talk to.
They were all toxic in their own way.

With a grown child, I know it has to be even more difficult.
When helping him is not helping him and makes you suffer, I'd definitely consider that toxic. It is added stress that takes away your health and happiness.
Sometimes, when it seems as though you're doing nothing, you're actually doing a great deal of something.

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Post #: 25

RE: why! - 9/23/2013 8:30:19 PM

RemoteUser

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JstAnotherSub

quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

It depends on the value you assign family. A person who was adopted, or in a non-nuclear family setting, wouldn't necessarily perceive family the same a someone who grew up with both parents and a sibling or two.

Isnip

Some of us adoptees did grow up with both parents and a sibling or 2. Being adopted does not make the family any less close...or any more close.

Granted, I only meant that there is no generic absolute definition.

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RE: why! - 9/23/2013 11:51:08 PM

ivone57

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i dont know what i would do if i could not see my grandchildren.... im sorry your going thru this....

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Post #: 27