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CreativeDominant -> RE: If you really cared about me, you'd do me (7/6/2006 3:35:42 PM)
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ORIGINAL: SusanofO
I admit, though I've noted in another place that I usually read through the whole thread first before I answer, this time I wanted to read your post first Susan...then answer it alone. Then, I'll go through the rest of the thread and see if my thoughts are different.
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I find myself in an odd situation (especially, maybe, for someone on a bdsm website). Or maybe it's not that odd (which is why I am writing). Any constructive advice or opinions are appreciated.
I am in a "healing phase" and really am trying to stick with my self-imposed rule of no sex with anyone I really care about (or think I could sometime) right now (until I am ready, which may be a couple of months).
I have someone who has become a very dear friend and now they want me to do them. I don't want to (well, I actually do but I'm not going to) - and said that and now they are hurt and mad at me. I sent them flowers, but don't know if it will help). I am female - and there are times I can turn my emotions on and off like a water faucet to facilitate "no strings" sex I guess, but they are few and far between.
You're trying hard to get over what was at best, from what you've stated elsewhere, a difficult and trying time. Seems to me like your recognition of not being ready for something like this speaks well of you. As for no-strings sex...personally, if you have to turn the emotions off to do it, I wouldn't want to be there for it.
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I tried to explain to this person that:
1) If we do this, I promise you I will probably become (more) attached to you. Sure you're ready for that? I'm not.
Again, this makes sense to me. You recognize that the attachment would not be due to the factors it probably should be due to but rather to things that are not maybe all that lasting or solid.
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2) And if I really end up liking you even more than ever I will practically become a stalker - want that? I am not sure I do. I don't want to hurt them and they don't seem aware of how big a psycho I might become if I am not ready (do I have to prove it? Hope not). As far as me "wanting them" or not - I certainly do - and I said if they knew how much they'd maybe be blown away (this was probably stupid of me, but I was trying to assure them this isn't about them, it's about me - just this once).
You tried to make it clear to them that you were not ready and let them know that patience would be a big helping hand in this. You also let them know that it isn't them or their attractiveness (or lack of it) to you, it is due to your own factors. Personally, I'd appreciate the gracious refusal and the explanation along with being complimented.
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They aren't really (I don't think) taking what I say all that seriously because they seem like they are just saying what I want to hear. I haven't dated anyone in years and I do forget how this works. I don't want them to just say what they think I want to hear - I want them to be honest (with themselves and with me. Maybe they are being honest). Only you can judge that, Susan because you are the only one on here dealing with someone whom you know much more intimately than the rest of us do. It seems to me like you are doing a good job of recognizing what you want within yourself...you recognize that you are attracted to him...it seems to me like you should be able to listen to what he says and decide if it rings true with all that you know about him. Some guys (and girls) ARE B.S. artists but usually...sooner or later...the contradictions; words vs. actions, etc. catch up with them.
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My question : Maybe Harry (of the movie "Harry and Sally") was right. Can men and women ever really be 'just friends'? Maybe I am just being unreasonable? We have good conversation and can connect on so many other levels. I hope they don't stay mad. Is it wrong to for me to want true friendship? I realize it can be boring if that's "all there is" - am I being unreasonable? It depends. Are you holding out the promise that "if he'll just wait awhile", then the next step (sex) will come as a sure thing or have you made it extremely clear that you do not want it right now and may not in the future? From what you posted earlier, I would say that you have made it clear that it is hands off for now even while reassuring him. But in your reassurance, did you make an offhand promise? If you did, then you may not be coming across as unreasonable but, in his mind, you may be more confused than what you really are in your own mind.
I have women that are friends. Is there sexual tension between us? With some, sure. With some, not a chance...but I don't like them any less because of it. I personally think that men and women can be friends and that no one, man or woman, has the right to expect there to be a fulfillment of whatever sexual desire there may be. However, in the real world we all live in...some might not go for that. If they realize that there is little chance for a sexual union to take place, they may remain friends but it will be at a distance. That is not necessarily wrong...for some, it might just be a matter of protecting their own feelings and an acceptance that it most likely isn't going to happen. The distance also gives them the opportunity to seek more likely fulfillment elsewhere.
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