sleazybutterfly
Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
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quote:
ORIGINAL: brightspot
quote:
ORIGINAL HisTicia
Well.. last time I talked to my momma.. which was this morning.. she said I was a girl.. so I am ampt to believe her..lol... and my period started yesterday morning.. so that leads me to the same conclusion... unless there is some medical research I am not aware of.. that would be the best case I can come up with.. though not diagnosed.. I am a girl. That is good though.. it's the one thing I can say for sure in this life.....
As for everything else.. I personally appreciate that you would give me that much credit..that I could come up with a mind fuck...I am quite a fan of getting them..though I have never done one.
I have had bulmia for 4 yrs.. I have talked about it before.. got it in July of 2002.. or started it rather.. I lost 30lbs the first 3 weeks it was so bad... though it's curved now.. and my metabolism is screwed up. It messed my teeth up...I have two that broke for no reason.. other than they are weak from acid..and my stomach finds the need to ache when I eat..in the hopes that I will purge the food out. So, it is a daily battle.. sometimes I win it.. sometimes I don't.. I just never know.
The cutting.. that was new.. it didn't start until I think May..and didn't last long..but I have all of the scars still left on my arms.. though during the drive back from VA..the left one got burnt in the sun..and you can't see them.. which I like.. so I think I will start tanning so the right arm will fade also.
The time before the cutting.. I was in a horrid depression.. my engagment had just ended in Feb..the 8th actually. That same night.. I was drugged with the rape drug..that is what we all think from the symptoms..and then raped. My life just went out of control after that.. that is when the cutting started.. I was in therapy.. and all of that crap. I have a lot of faith though..and thankfully .. that saw me through it.. to where I am now. I am grateful the cutting does nothing for me.. the last time I cut was on a Sat.. when it gave me pleasure ..and that was when I almost killed myself several weeks ago. It was like a re-birth for me..and I am very blessed..and I mean that.
Nothing was left out.. not sure why everyone always says that..but since most know the details.. I just don't see any reason to sit and type it all out again. He and I resolved what needed to be..and that is that. It was a mess...and I was hurt..but.. He was also. Either way that things work out for He and I.. I will be okay..and deal with..as you can see.. I have been through way worse than this. My grandma dying was worse... and that wasn't long ago..and trying to have a baby was worse..cause it would have been born this last month.. so.. I have other things to face..and other ghosts to deal with.. so I only wish that facing what I did this day last week was it.. I really do.
I believe you also are the one that thought that the whole thing with Him was a joke on me.. I will say one thing.. you do have a good imagination.. as do I...so.. there is nothing wrong with that. As for my facial features... well.. I am not crazy about my nose..and would have that done if I could...had braces for the jaw..and chin..but all they did was make my teeth crooked..lol.. so got them off..thankfully they aren't crooked now (retainers are great)..as for the rest.. I look like my moms side of the family.. which probably closest to my grandma and grandpa.. and that is fine with me.. my grandma was quite the looker in her day..and so was he..lol.
Look, I am not going to dwell on what happened last week.. there are things involved.. I can't talk about..not because of me..but because of Him..and what is going to happen now. I respect Him..and won't take a chance on messing things up in any way. He may still want to be with me..or He may not.. we will decide that as the months go on. He has said He does..and I do with Him.. so until we say different..that is how I will live.. then.. when it is decided .. I will deal with it.. it will still hurt..but I will be fine.. I always am.
So.. I can't control what you think..that is up to you.. if you prefer to believe what you do..that is fine with me...I would ask my lesbian ex if I am a girl..but she would just look at me like I had lost my mind...lol... so for now.. you can take my word for it.. or not.. whatever...
His Ticia
Well Ticia, I only said those were some thoughts running through my head and also that I could very well be wrong.
You know I then find it very disturbing that you would have all the above stated issues and make a decision to move 3 states away with someone you rarely knew and was never with in person before .
Like I said before.. we have all been over this..but I will again do it. I don't regret going.. nor meeting him the way I did.. I regret the timing..that was horrid.. if it had been a couple of months later..and this issue was settled..everything would have worked out. Maybe I wanted it too much..maybe I did open myself up to be hurt..but dammit.. sometimes you have to.. to find out if things are real. I know deep down..the risk I took..and trust me..even if everyone thinks they do.. they don't know how much I have paid for it. I can't do anything about it though..that is the past..it won't do me any good to sit and analyze it a hundred times over..nothing will change. I am trying to move on from it.. at least the pain of it..and look toward the future whether he is there or not.
I really think you should seek Professional help which in your words was "crap". What I believe I am reading and hearing from you is that you believe you are crap and are coming from a place of a I am crap mentality.
In some ways.. that is true. She wasn't a good therapist though.. it's a state one..and it takes months to get to someone that can actually help you.. it's not her fault..it's just the way things move sometimes.
It is MPO that you should begin or continue therapy and the journey of learning self care and self love in a serious way, getting yourself to a good place before ever thinking of getting yourself involved with a cyber stranger or anyone else for that matter.
I am going to continue.. that was always the plan..whether I was still around here.. or I was with Sir. I will wait until I get moved though.. because I want to start fresh with a new one and not go back to the same one..but that is only a month away. I am not looking for another thing with anyone.. for one.. I am still in this one..and two..I know I need that time.
Chosing to make ridiculously stupid spontanious desicions which could in essense be dangerous to your safety is not good and I think you need to know a better boundary system for yourself . And more important yet, back off from WIITWD until you stabalize yourself.
When I first started in the bdsm real time stuff... I was very self-destructive.. I wasn't careful..and I put myself in some really scary situations.. not only in the bdsm world...but with men in general. That was after the rape..and I wasn't at my best.. I wanted to vanish..and maybe in some ways.. I put myself in those situations on purpose.. I can't say for sure. I do not do that now..though to you all it seems like it. What I did.. with Sir.. wasn't stupid..and it wasn't dangerous..I did take the proper steps in safety..it was dangerous with my heart..and that was it.
Like I said.. I would probably not do it the same way this time..but..I can't change that.
Life is full of risk.. I took one.. it didn't work out.. that is what happens..and I am dealing with the fall out as best I can. That is all I can do.
I know this will haunt me.. I feel like that any post I make from now on.. this will get brought up.. but.. I will continue to.. in the hope that you will all see..that I am much more than this time.. or this incident. I am a person that has a lot to them.. some good and some bad..but that doesn't change that I still have questions I would like answered.. or that I can add a valuable opinion here and there to the mix.
Thank you, Ticia
PS.. I am only replying as sleazybutterfly..because I was writing in my journal..and with dial up.. this was easier than logging out and back in again.
Good Luck in your self healing,
*Brightspot
_____________________________
~Flutterby
~Curvylicious Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.
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RE: The pain... I miss it. - 
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