Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (Full Version)

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Scaredwitless -> Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 7:19:04 AM)

I tried posting on another forum and well frankly the responses were to narrow minded and frankly most people don't understand why there would be more than just the two people having sex. So, here's a bit of the issue:
My husband and I have been married for 6 years now; this month actually is our 6 year anniversary. Last night we had a bit of fun, and we went into the room mate’s room to use his bed. He was fine with this, he will sometimes watch or pet while watching (He's been opted to join in but he has yet to). Well he (roommate) went out for a smoke and to do some laundry while the hub and I did the deed. Afterwards hub went to get in the shower, the roommate came back and I allowed petting. His hand was the only thing to touch me, and my husband got out and saw this. We did agree that if anything was to happen with others he would be involved. It was a stupid STUPID mistake on my part, I wasn't thinking and now I'm afraid he is going to ask me to leave as in marriage over. I don't know what to do, nor what to say except that I am epically sorry. I already informed the roommate that he will most likely have to go find another place to live.
It’s not as simple as what some may think. He is extremely jealous of people near me, he gets jealous if I hang out with my best friend a lot. He has reason though as his previous wife cheated on him (secretly for awhile before telling him, she really cut him down and then left) and he acknowledges that I'm not her but his anxiety is still there. We've had issues since we've been married, mainly his issues, and he's been working on them.....slowly.
I love my husband, truly, how I do things or handle things is not how the normal person does it. Example: Think of Brennan from the tv show Bones, I can really liken to her as to how she goes about with people and how she accesses things on a day to day scale. I get compared to her a lot because I am very logical and somewhat said to be rigid with emotions (Ok, some of them I don't see the point in having.) So because I am like this people around me can take what I say to the bank because I mean it 100%, no ifs, ands, or buts. I love him, love. I don’t think I will not be in love with him for a long, long time (even if he ends it). I don’t do the whole, oh I’m sleeping with you so I’m going to fall in love with you thing with people. I’ve had –JUST- sex partners before (before my husband) that I had no love vibes for other than the “I hope you will be alright and live well” vibe. People say it’s hard though because you will eventually build a connection with the other person; I on the other hand cannot grasp that concept. I don’t get it. That person is someone you just do the deed with, not the one you love or want to love. This is how I am with this; he (hubby) knows this and understands this.
I don’t know. I think now I’m rambling, but I don’t have anyone to talk to that would really give a damn or have something really intelligent to say other than “Oh, I’m sorry.” I have one too many straight friends that have like zero fetishes. I’m just kind of stressed, worried out of my head , and scared. If the outcome only hinged on the outcome just between my husband and I, I think I could handle it a bit better. BUT, we have a lil’ one together; I don’t want to have the “Your daddy will be away for awhile” talk with her. She won’t understand if our marriage is over, she won’t understand the “Mommy messed up” answer I will have to give her. I don’t know what to do, so I post and hope someone reads this that has some similarity to this and can help me figure that out. Give me something that I have yet to think of, because I am racking my brain for what to do and say.
He is at work now, and I have a few hours before he gets home. I will greatly appreciate that help thank you.



pissdoll -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 7:38:07 AM)

if your husband has serious issues of jealousy and anxiety then you two have no business bringing others into your bed (or jumping into theirs).
get rid of the roommate and if your budget dictates you need a new one, find a tenant you are a little less familiar with.
go to couples counseling *immediately* and attempt to work this out.



MsMJAY -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 7:53:59 AM)

Your husband left his naked, afterglowing wife in another man's bed (a man he has invited to join you for sex on other occasions) and he is surprised to come back to the room and find the man touching you? If your marriage is over because of this, (In fact even if it is only your fear that your marriage is over because of this) then you have very serious marital problems and you both need to go to professional counseling. Poly is not for everyone. If either of you cannot handle it without jealousies then you do not need to attempt polygamous encounters at all..



angelikaJ -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 8:11:11 AM)

quote:



We did agree that if anything was to happen with others he would be involved.


and

quote:


He is extremely jealous of people near me, he gets jealous if I hang out with my best friend a lot. He has reason though as his previous wife cheated on him (secretly for awhile before telling him, she really cut him down and then left) and he acknowledges that I'm not her but his anxiety is still there. We've had issues since we've been married, mainly his issues, and he's been working on them.....slowly.



So, you had an agreement and you broke the agreement.
I disagree with the other posters.

This is not a bunch of casual people having casual sex and your husband is the unreasonable party.

This is your husband.
You had an agreement with him that nothing would happen if he wasn't around.
You say you weren't thinking and that much is obvious.... but why weren't you thinking?
This was a hot button issue with your husband and you steamrolled right over it.

The issue wasn't that your husband caught you in the act: you still would have violated his trust if he hadn't seen anything .... if your roommate's contact broke off before your husband walked in.

And now you try to justify it:
quote:


I love my husband, truly, how I do things or handle things is not how the normal person does it. Example: Think of Brennan from the tv show Bones, I can really liken to her as to how she goes about with people and how she accesses things on a day to day scale. I get compared to her a lot because I am very logical and somewhat said to be rigid with emotions (Ok, some of them I don't see the point in having.) So because I am like this people around me can take what I say to the bank because I mean it 100%, no ifs, ands, or buts. I love him, love. I don’t think I will not be in love with him for a long, long time (even if he ends it). I don’t do the whole, oh I’m sleeping with you so I’m going to fall in love with you thing with people. I’ve had –JUST- sex partners before (before my husband) that I had no love vibes for other than the “I hope you will be alright and live well” vibe. People say it’s hard though because you will eventually build a connection with the other person; I on the other hand cannot grasp that concept. I don’t get it. That person is someone you just do the deed with, not the one you love or want to love. This is how I am with this; he (hubby) knows this and understands this.


Your husband may understand that is how you are, but he and you had an agreement.
He would be involved if anything happened with other people.

You broke the agreement.

And while you may acknowledge it was a stupid thing to do, and whine that it may cost you your marriage, I am wondering one thing: if your husband hadn't caught you, would you be discussing how shitty you feel about it?

This is not on your husband.
This is on you and complete strangers won't know how you can make it right with him.

edit: clarity



DomLasVegas -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 8:11:27 AM)

You didn't do anything wrong. You stated petting was allowed, and petting is not sex. It's his insecurities that are the problem. You stated he gets jealous if you go out with friends. That right there tells the whole story. You have been married for 6 years. If he doesn't trust you by now he never will. Reguardless of what his last wife did, your not that woman. You stated he knows you not her. He may say that, but in reality, he doesn't believe that. He tells you that to make place the guilt on you. he guilt of your "not understanding" his issues. If there is not trust the jealousy will distroy the marriage not or at some later date. Even if you went to counseling, and things were fine for a while. The jealousy will still be there, just hidden until some minor argument. Which will turn into a major one when he brings up the petting incident again. It will happen sooner or later. Hes the one that needs to go for counseling for his trust and jealousy issues. You did nothing wrong. Don't accept the guilt from him, or place it on yourself, when it was aggreed before that petting was allowed. Changes in rules happen out of jealousy. He changed the rules and put the blame on you.



TigressLily -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 8:18:58 AM)


I don't quite understand. Why are you and your husband going into someone else's bed to have sex? Are you saying nobody understands your kink, and that your kink is to have a third party join the both of you in sex? You have a daughter together. What the hell are you doing with a male roommate living there? One who 'pets' you while the both of you regularly have sex in his bed? I'm more concerned about the welfare of your young daughter, not that your foolish husband caught this man touching you while he wasn't there. Serves him right for passively setting up the situation. You say your husband is jealous and his ex-wife cheated on him. Then why on earth is he fine with inviting this roommate into a threesome, or anybody else for that matter? (Even with an MFF, there's the possibility the FFs could bond with one another.)

The reason why you haven't gotten satisfactory advice on wherever this other forum was is because you aren't making any sense. Neither of you, by the looks of your marital conduct.



angelikaJ -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 8:19:27 AM)

With respect: Petting is allowed when the husband is there.

It is a breach of promise that it happened when he wasn't.




MasterCaneman -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 8:19:57 AM)

Excellent post, and right on the money.



Domnotlooking -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 8:53:18 AM)

In one sentence with 100% honesty, why did you act out in this way?

It's not just a mistake or a mess-up.

What's going on with you?



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 9:05:14 AM)

I managed to extrapolate two major issues from your somewhat rambling post.

One, your husband is neurotically jealous. I agree with DomLasVegas that this is a crucial issue that will destroy your marriage unless it's resolved. I also agree you have no business being in any sort of poly situation until it's resolved.

Two, you had an agreement and you broke the agreement. You broke trust and betrayed your agreement. In my mind, your excuse of 'I wasn't thinking' is no excuse at all. Quite simply, you choose personal pleasure over personal integrity, and this says a lot about you.

The way you chose to break your agreement and destroy your husband's trust in you directly played into his jealousy issues. This is not coincidental. Consciously or not, you broke your husband's trust in the way that would be the most damaging to him.

Your attempts to justify your behavior by explaining your personality quirks fell on deaf ears here. Although you state you love your husband, your post is entirely about you and how this effects YOU. He's an afterthought.

My advice is to seek counseling, for you, for him, and as a couple.









anniezz338 -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 9:20:25 AM)

Communication seems to have been missing for a while. Seems like a bit of a drama going on with you saying oops. I just feel sorry for the roommate. I hate moving.



RedMagic1 -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 10:24:18 AM)

Scaredwitless, what exactly are you hoping an online forum will be able to give you? How can strangers on the internet fix any of this?

For whatever it might be worth, I believe: You both created a situation where you were eventually guaranteed to make a mistake.



OsideGirl -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 10:51:10 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
One, your husband is neurotically jealous. I agree with DomLasVegas that this is a crucial issue that will destroy your marriage unless it's resolved. I also agree you have no business being in any sort of poly situation until it's resolved.

My advice is to seek counseling, for you, for him, and as a couple.


Nail on the head.



angelikaJ -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 11:13:13 AM)

[I brought this thread to my Master's attention and He had a different take on this thread. Here are His thoughts:]

"When I read this post it's hard to distance Myself between the rules you live by and the rules we live by. I'd have no problems banishing someone who had allowed themselves to be fondled in such a matter, but on the other hand, I'd also not offer My wife to another in any fashion anyway, and certainly not leave her naked, and in that guy's bed.
I would imagine by way of clarification, that by "petting" you actually mean something more along the lines of "finger banging away, thrashing on the point of orgasm" as opposed to something along the line of "leisurely stroking the vulva in an affectionate manner." A great deal of what you are asking about hinges on what exactly he saw when he walked in on his supposedly faithful and loving wife.

Since you seem to think what you allowed/did was "against the rules" as opposed to "wrong" I'd say that was the first thing to address. Breaking your husband's trust is just wrong. Hurting his feelings is wrong. Breaking the rules you live by was wrong. The somewhat ambiguous situation, and decidedly inconsistent rules aside, you did wrong, and need to fix the damage you did. Your husband has things he should probably do as well, but that is *decidedly* beyond the scope of your original posting, and this reply post. After several re-readings, it appears the thrust of your question is more along the lines of "how do I fix this" than "did I do wrong," or "is my hubby at fault." This is what I suggest to mend what you have broken.

The best way to repair trust is to actively *BE* trustworthy. I mean trustworthy in unequivocal ways that matter to him. At the very least I would suggest a promise to never allow any other man to ever touch you in any sexual manner, and ask him not to allow you to be put in a situation where that might be possible. Suggest and follow simple and hard-edged rules for your behavior, for example, never allowing yourself to be alone in an apartment or room alone with another guy, or whatever makes sense to him, and is possible/advisable. Perhaps letting him monitor your phone and/or email accounts/computer would make sense to him. Perhaps being physically near him as he did whatever else he did, like reading nearby as he worked out at the gym, or watch (and at the same time allow you to be watched) when he's out bowling, or whatever else that would make sense to him. Be scrupulous about making sure you call every hour you're out with friends, and keeping him updated with exactly who you are out with. You don't say why he doesn't care for you spending time with your best friend, but one supposes there is a reason. Address his concerns/issues. If you are dealing with his feelings and insecurities, by definition what you do will have to be focused entirely on what will work on him.

I feel bad for the roommate who is probably wondering WTF happened, but yeah, he'll probably have to go, or at least make it *absolutely* clear you are not only willing to boot him, but willing to be the bad guy and be the one to boot him from your apartment.

There is a very good chance that what I suggest will pinch a bit. I can't imagine that this will be long-term sort of thing, if for no other reason than it would be exhausting for him to do the amount of effort to monitor and/or keep up the level of contact necessary to do "his part" in that sort of arrangement. The goal is not the erasure of your independence, or whatever measure of privacy you need for your own sanity, but rather to prove to him that he is *so* important to you that you will do what is needed to repair that damage you did. I do agree with other posters to the effect that hubby should probably re-examine some of his own issues, but that isn't what you asked about, and as I said is beyond the scope of this reply. You can control what you do though, so do healing things.

It's not nearly as easy to rebuilt trust than it was to build it in the first place, but it is possible if you are willing to do the work, and accept the sacrifices necessary to make it happen. It *WILL* take time and effort, but if your husband is someone you want to grow old with, you have to take the steps now to make sure he sticks around."



needlesandpins -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 1:32:40 PM)

as a person with trust issues myself I can tell you that I will believe what a person tells me until they prove I can trust them, or not. I will trust them when a situation arises and they do the right thing. if they fuck up, especially if we have had an agreement and they choose to break it, and by doing so hurt me then i'm not going to trust them. if that person wants me to trust them after that they better well earn it.

you can't demand that a person trusts you, but behave in a manner with them that makes them think they can't. if you act like you have something to hide, but claim that you don't then stop acting like you do. don't be all forthcoming one moment, and then secretive the next.

if after all this time your husband still has such huge trust issues with you then either he has a problem that needs real attention, or you have given him cause to be like this. I am only distrustful when I am given cause to be.

i'm with others on not getting why the hell you two are fucking in another man's bed who actually lives with you, and you have your daughter in the house. that was always an issue waiting to happen.

never with a friend, and never on your door step.

he doesn't trust you to go out with your best mate, but he trusts you to be alone in a house with a man you've involved in your sex life. how fucking screwed up is that?

go and talk to your husband after you have made your mind up what you actually want. ask him what he wants of you and decide whether you are capable of giving it to him.

needles



TigressLily -> RE: Need Serious relationship help, if you please. (10/16/2013 4:24:02 PM)


THIS BELOW times 100 to the nth degree. Also, didn't your roommate know about the 'rules' of engagement all along? He's gotta go. Your husband will never trust the two of you alone together ever again.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

For whatever it might be worth, I believe: You both created a situation where you were eventually guaranteed to make a mistake.


You absolutely have to re-establish and restore trust with your husband like angelikaJ's Master has described, who btw is astonishingly perceptive for a man. (Hope that didn't sound sexist. You got yourself a keeper. ;)

quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

if that person wants me to trust them after that they better well earn it....

if after all this time your husband still has such huge trust issues with you then either he has a problem that needs real attention, or you have given him cause to be like this. I am only distrustful when I am given cause to be.

i'm with others on not getting why the hell you two are fucking in another man's bed who actually lives with you, and you have your daughter in the house. that was always an issue waiting to happen.

never with a friend, and never on your door step.

he doesn't trust you to go out with your best mate, but he trusts you to be alone in a house with a man you've involved in your sex life. how fucking screwed up is that?

go and talk to your husband after you have made your mind up what you actually want. ask him what he wants of you and decide whether you are capable of giving it to him.


After 6 years of marriage, however, I'm thinking he's been subconsciously setting you up all along to fail, and that's not what a good husband/Master should be doing. That's why I don't even view this lifestyle activity the both of you are engaging in as a kink or kink-motivated. It might be on your end, but not on his. Until he gets his head straight, no matter what you do to try to prove to him that you are trustworthy, it's a no-win situation. He will keep on testing you and any other woman he gets involved with. See, I've known men like this. He's been so betrayed and wounded that his self-defense mechanism is to de-sensitize himself to any likelihood that his experience with his ex-wife will ever happen again. He'd rather be "in control" of orchestrating this infidelity scenario, which is like a tape loop that keeps running through his head over & over repeatedly, than to be deceived. He will continue to set up circumstances hoping for a different outcome. He probably urges you to have sex with other men, doesn't he? He acts as if it turns him on, and on some level it probably does. But what he really wants is for you to always return to him with the re-assurance that the other man was not as desirable, attractive, you didn't like his cock as much, he didn't eat pussy as well as your husband does, or couldn't make you come, he had bad breath or b.o., whatever, ad infinitum.

This isn't even between you and your husband when you get right down to it. This is about your husband competing with every other man who represents a sexual threat to him. He's out to prove his superiority, and you are the pawn in his head game. His kink is not sharing you with other men, it's his own mindfuck which he's gotten you to collaborate with him in executing. Until you can step back and see what's really happening, your marriage will suffer. If you want to salvage what's left of your marriage, especially for your daughter's sake, then you both need couples counseling.



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