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Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 5:44:09 PM   
kevin32


Posts: 10
Joined: 9/21/2013
Status: offline 		I've been reading this thread about a sub who's been having problems with men insulting her. Several people responded offering advice for how she should proceed with finding the right person. Reading through the responses, there seems to be a certain perception...

If "just sex" is involved, it's "bad" and you should look elsewhere.

I understand that people are genuinely concerned for her well-being and showing her how to weed out what they consider to be the bad apples. But based on the responses, I can't help but wonder does normal fucking ever occur in these relationships, or must it be proceeded by ropes and whips to be considered worthwhile? I know I'm new here, but sometimes I wonder if an average BDSM scene is nothing more than people tied up, spanked for awhile, then everyone goes to sleep with no genitals ever making contact. It also makes me wonder about those doms/subs who come into the community with a stronger emphasis for the sex act, like are they judged for being so shallow. I also wonder why I use the word "wonder" 5 times in the same paragraph.

So is "just sex" a bad thing here? I admit that I might be misinterpreting the responses in that thread. I'm just relating the feeling I got from it, and would like to be enlightened. Thanks.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 6:02:11 PM   
sheisreeds


Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline 		BDSM relationships come in all kinds. The key is that many of them are relationships, not just activities in the bedroom.

My relationship, yeah we have toys. I like sharp things in particular.

Though a lot of the time there is no toys involved.

The second most dangerous weapon is the body, the most dangerous is the mind.

Though is it just sex? For us yeah.

However I can think of a lot of people who would not enjoy sex that involved face spitting, breath play, bleeding, gouging, ear ringing face slapping, to name a few.

Other folks here the sex may be super sweet, but the bonds are on the inside.

Then there's all that stuff outside the bedroom. My new nickname is dumb cunt burrito, because I stole the covers.

Other relationships there is an expectation of service, submission, or both.

All I know is that I am in a relationship where BDSM is intrinsic to how we are and do things. It is not a sometimes sort of thing.

It is a loving, enduring, and wholesome relationship. We just survived over a year of me going through 2 pelvic surgeries, and having a pelvis barely good for walking, not to mention kink, not to mention sex. We still were who we were, this still was who we are.


_____________________________

~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in


You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to kevin32)
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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 6:02:28 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5171
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		Just sex is fine if that is what both people want. It doesn't work well if one is for just sex and the other wants a relationship.

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Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 6:03:41 PM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline 		"Just sex" is not a bad thing here....as long as you're honest about what you're looking for.

You're male, so you won't understand what it's like to be a female submissive in a place like this. The men so far outnumber the women so that the women are like new meat. There are a lot of male so-called Dominants that go specifically looking for the new meat, because it's easier to get what they want...and they do it by not being honest. They will tell the submissive whatever they think she wants to hear. And since most women want a relationship, they lie.

The second part is the BDSM D/s can break through emotional walls and pump you full of endorphins and adrenaline. Many confuse those feelings with love and many leave the community because of those failed three month relationships. Which is why we tell people to take it slow.

As for the rest:

BDSM acronym is bondage/discipline/Sado-Masochism....so by definition it's kinky sex. You can engage in BDSM and never engage in D/s.

D/s is Dominance and submission. You can engage in D/s without ever engaging in BDSM.

Most here engage in both.

So, in answer to your question: No, sex doesn't always have to include whips and chains

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 10/20/2013 6:17:58 PM >

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 6:08:46 PM   
tsatske


Posts: 2037
Joined: 3/9/2007
From: Louisville, KY
Status: offline 		The trick is finding someone who is a good match for me. Rather BDSM or vanilla, I am not a good match for someone looking for just sex as opposed to a relationship. As to rather the sex can be 'just sex', for me, yes it can. In my last MS relationships one of my regular duties was to wake him up each morning with a blow job, then have woman on top sex to start the day right. Every day. No whips, chains, paddles, or even light slaps. 'Just sex'. I learned to enjoy woman on top because it was a service, and I am very service oriented. My favorite position for 'just sex', however, remains missionary, because I love the feeling of being 'trapped' under him. If he grabs my hands and restrains them, ever better.

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“If you never did you should. These things are fun and fun is good”
~Dr. Seuss quote

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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 6:13:15 PM   
SweetAmber32


Posts: 24
Joined: 9/25/2013
Status: offline 		I can add my two cents here. I'm very new to the BDSM world. I've read, I've asked questions, so I'm not totally ignorant of the D/s, M/s relationship. Yes, just sex and no play can and does happen. But what I have noticed on here and other BDSM sites, is that there a LOT of non BDSM guys just looking for exactly that, sex. And being a mother to their kids. And being home all day with meals ready and laundry done. They are not looking for a BDSM lifestyle (BTW the above things do and can happen as well). They Have no idea what it (BDSM) really is. Sure, there may be a smack to the ass, orders given, but still no BDSM involvement. Many guys have come on here due to lack of getting women on regular dating sites. So coming on here, they think they've hit the jack pot. Submissive and slave women, perfect. No bitching, no back talk, sex without complaint. I don't consider these men Doms. These "men" are on the wrong site, for the wrong reasons. We subs and slaves are first and foremost, human beings. We also have rights as subs and slaves. We are capable of free thinking. And we are worth more than what these false Dom's/Masters think we are worth. We give ourselves to he/she who is worthy of us. If we are required to feel the whip, floggers, hands, bondage, etc, before sex, we do so gladly. If there is just to be a romantic night of just sex, that too, we also do gladly. This is just my opinion and my experience.

(in reply to kevin32)
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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 6:14:46 PM   
SweetAnise


Posts: 480
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline 		It is only bad if you're not honest with the other person. Just because you want just sex...doesn't mean the other person does. All to often individuals force their desires and pleasures on another through manipulation. The other person thinks they are getting something in return when really they are being used. So if sex is what you want...make sure you say so from the start...if you get rejected don't change up what you want so you can make someone give you what you want. Period.

(in reply to tsatske)
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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 6:17:59 PM   
KYsissy


Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		Just sex is great if that is all that is wanted by all involved. That particular thread had little to do with sex. It was about being insulted because someone who checked the "sub" box didn't do what someone who checked the "dom" box wanted right away. Being as the OP was brand new (and quite attractive) the common pitfalls for the noob was laid out. Also, as several pointed out, "hey if that is what you want, go for it". But clearly within the context of the whole thread, the OP was not looking for a casual hookup.

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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 6:19:25 PM   
SavvyFLRDomme


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/10/2013
Status: offline 		As with anything in life, I firmly believe that whatever works for two consenting adults - whether it be kinky sex within the confines of a relationship or just kinky sex or whatever is a personal, private matter! If they both consent and it feels good, then by all means, just do it! The last time I heard life is not a dress rehearsal, you get one shot - so one should enjoy it to the fullest!

(in reply to tsatske)
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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 6:19:47 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sheisreeds
My new nickname is dumb cunt burrito, because I stole the covers.

This is the most adorable thing I've read all week!!!!!!

I'm glad to "see you back," sheisreeds. You've always provided a healthy dose of kink into these rather vanilla message boards.

Best wishes for your health and recovery.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to sheisreeds)
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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 6:58:07 PM   
kalikshama


Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

does normal fucking ever occur in these relationships, or must it be proceeded by ropes and whips to be considered worthwhile?


It doesn't have to be proceeded with ropes and whips, but if there is no element of BDSM or D/s, I'm simply not interested.

YAWN

(in reply to kevin32)
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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 7:08:56 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

So is "just sex" a bad thing here?

Not to this cat. But of course, I'm kinda on board with damn near anything as long as both parties are above board and honest about what's' going on.

I suspect that for lots of people it's less the sex that's frowned upon than the fields strewn with false promises that so often accompany such things.

ETA-Of course the base reason for the"frowning" is simply that lots and lots of people are wired for relationships. They want the love,security,whatever that goes with such constructs and don't feel comfortable without. This could be for any number of reasons,ethical,moral, safety,emotions,whatever.The key thing is that they are relationship centric folks and that's just how they are.

< Message edited by Kana -- 10/20/2013 7:11:32 PM >

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HST

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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 7:41:10 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		You really asked several different questions and only part of it is being addressed. I'll skip the part that most people covered. (I also happen to be one of those who would not be compatible with somebody looking for "just sex" or even BDSM where the purpose of the activities is a goal of having sex.)

I'm one of those folks where BDSM and sex are not automatically equated. BDSM isn't a requirement for Me to get turned on and I don't necessarily get turned on from engaging in BDSM. Casual play and casual sex are two entirely different things to Me. I engage primarily in S/m and when I do, the goal is enjoying sadism in and of itself. For example, when I top women, your explanation above is fairly accurate. There's no genital contact, no orgasms, and no sexual progression. (On My side at least. I've had a couple of masochist women who have said the scene was different from their side in a sexual sense.) We play. We go our separate ways. It's about exploring and enjoying pain and the results of that.

I have far more (what most people on these forums would call) vanilla sex than I do kinky sex. My husband is My primary partner and he and I are not BDSM compatible. (We're both tops/Dominants.) We don't engage in play with each other as a form of foreplay. Our foreplay and/or sex isn't the stuff that would even qualify as a "BDSM subject" here for the boards.

So, why does "just sex" get viewed by some as a bad thing? I'd say it was because anybody who has been kinky for an amount of time has seen examples that give the "just sex" people a bad name. Sometimes, they don't play by the same rules that we do, or at least the ones that we espouse. Consent, honesty about involvement, and all of those lovely ideals that we talk about around here so much aren't always displayed as important by some who seek "just sex." We know lots of dirt-bag stories from that angle. If you don't know what I mean, read any of the thousands of "Master doesn't call anymore" threads and you'll understand exactly where that comes from.


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The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to RedMagic1)
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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 8:01:28 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

Just sex is fine if that is what both people want. It doesn't work well if one is for just sex and the other wants a relationship.


This.

I think most people responded in the way they did because she is looking for more than "just sex" but yet everyone who responded to her was rude and all they wanted was a quick "just sex". Had they said they were looking for "just sex" without the insults I'm sure she would have just responded she wasn't interested but no, they didn't. They came on to her like a horndog from the very beginning before even talking to her. Why would anyone at all be interested in someone like that even if it's "just for sex"?


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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 9:14:59 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		It depends if the sex is good or not. I mean, how can great sex be a bad thing?

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I give good thread.

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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 10:33:12 PM   
Esinn


Posts: 886
Joined: 6/23/2009
Status: offline 		Go to an AMP or hire an escort for just sex.

Just saying.

Not a FB or something...... That might be a different kind of story.

Hope that helps.

For what it is work I am LF a FB.........

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Let's break the law

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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 10:47:47 PM   
lthrpup


Posts: 125
Joined: 4/28/2004
Status: offline 		If expectations are aligned, then any encounter-no matter how superficial-can be healthy. Another situation that emphasizes how important it is to be honest and willing to let go of an opportunity if it is not what you are really looking for.

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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/20/2013 10:50:07 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		fr

When most people were talking about 'just sex' on the other thread, they meant 'as opposed to a romantic relationship'.

You seem to be thinking of 'just sex' meaning 'fucking without a bunch of kinky stuff too'.

There's nothing wrong with either of those. In the other thread, the OP was being hassled by folks who wanted instant-sex (with or without kink) when she wanted a relationship, which is why she was told to be wary of those wanting 'just sex'. If she had been looking for NSA sex herself, no one would have been negative about the concept. It's not the sex that was the problem, it's the people who were trying to manipulate to get something other than what she was offering.

Of course having sex without kink is fine too, and even the kinky folks might sometimes just want a bit of missionary and a cuddle. But of course, this is a kink site, and the majority of people here like their sex with a side of kink, so if you ONLY wanted non-kinky sex, this would be a bad place to look for a compatible partner.

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/21/2013 4:36:50 AM   
SavvyFLRDomme


Posts: 6
Joined: 6/10/2013
Status: offline 		Seemingly so, the man has a point here!
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

It depends if the sex is good or not. I mean, how can great sex be a bad thing?


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RE: Is "just sex" a bad thing here? - 10/21/2013 10:58:08 AM   
shiftyw


Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline 		I get a lot of grief on the dating side of this site for being "just a bottom" and not wanting a TPE relationship (and I'm not currently on the market anyway...but everyone wants to tell why they are more domly than my current man and why I'm a poser for not dumping him and giving them blowjobs on demand)...I don't get that same grief here on this side. I am personally not that service oriented, and outside of the bedroom...my man and I have equal roles. So for me, my kinkiness is almost entirely sexual, at least right now.

Which is fine with me and my significant other, which is all that really matters anyways.

(in reply to SavvyFLRDomme)
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