War of Worlds (relationship issue not the book)

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War of Worlds (relationship issue not the book) - 10/21/2013 3:12:08 AM

Kitsuneboi

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From: Oceanside, CA
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My love from across the sea is coming to see me, it'll be the first time we see each other face to face. I mean we vid chat a lot and we have serious physical attractions to each other. He lives in New Zealand and I live in California. I love him with all my heart, and he loves me back. He's my first ever love. I have never understood why people clung to their relationships till I met him. I want to be with him forever. He says he wants to be my master, and I'm fine with whatever that entails, as long as I can make him happy. We have many plans for the future---But...

I have a best friend. She and I have been best friends for a very long time, we share our worlds together, and we do so easily because we have a lot in common. I don't ever want to be without her. We play games together, we go to school together, we hangout almost everyday together. And when I want to wear my straitjacket helps me get strapped into it. She would sometimes walk around with me like that. I trust her with all being. My best friend is someone I love like a sister. (The straitjacket thing isn't a sexual thing, I just prefer to be in one. ^w^)

We were starting a business together, a clothing company. She let me down on it though, and I ended up doing all of the work and in the end I couldn't take on all the pressure and i shut it down. My love from NZ hated that I was letting her, as he says get away with doing nothing, he doesn't like her for that, and intends to say something to her, and I keep telling him not to but hes very strong like black coffee. I thought it would be in best if I warned her, but she is also like black coffee, very strong. I don't want them to fight, and I already considered the possibility of just not having him meet her, but he says he wants to be fully part of my life and he wants to meet her. Plus, it would feel like I'm not being real with him if I kept a big part of my world away from him. I'm not very strong, I'm like milk or sugar, not strong but mixes well with coffee. I love both of them, but I want peace.

It wouldn't be such a big issue if he didn't ask me to not talk to her anymore. As he says that she tells me to dump him, but I love them both too much to lose either of them. Gah, I feel like we're acting like highschool students or middle school students... There has to be away to get them passed each other's hates.

Anyone got any ideas on what to do? Should I even do anything?

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RE: War of Worlds (relationship issue not the book) - 10/21/2013 3:24:15 AM

Iknowyoursecrets

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There are quite a few kink aware professionals in your area. If you want a chance at a real relationship with your special one, try to visit with a therapist while he is over here OR skype him into a session.

Lets face it you are not going to do anything. Milk calms and seeks to calm, you need some help and that help should be neutral. Do yourself a favor. Google kink aware professionals and visit one soon. Congrats and best wishes.

Brooke

(in reply to Kitsuneboi)

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RE: War of Worlds (relationship issue not the book) - 10/21/2013 3:34:55 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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You are in a very difficult situation, and these two stronger individuals could easily tear you apart if you don't set some boundaries with BOTH of them.

Talk with your master about this. If he's a good master and one who cares about your future welfare, he should be able to help you with this, as opposed to being part of the problem. He should be able to understand your best friend is your best friend, and not someone you dump on someone else's say so.

How he responds to this conversation will tell you a *lot* about his ability to *really* integrate into your life.

And I agree with the above, some counseling to help you set boundaries for yourself is in order.

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RE: War of Worlds (relationship issue not the book) - 10/21/2013 8:32:04 AM

TieMeInKnottss

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The toughest thing for me is being both submissive by lifestyle choice & personality. No matter what...the stronger people push..even the best intentioned ones honestly believe they are right & will try to force you to see things their way. I feel like a human Gumby when I am not involved with someone because it is hard to make everybody happy...

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RE: War of Worlds (relationship issue not the book) - 10/21/2013 8:42:50 AM

kiwisub12

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OP - google "co-dependency" and see if it strikes a cord.

and from my personal experience - I married a man who separated me from my friends - because they didn't accept that I was married and had to put my husband first - so he said. And I let him.

He isolated me (with my compliance) and I ended up in a 13 year joyless marriage.

The point is, you can't get rid of your friends to make someone else happy. If he can't accept that you can be friends with someone who he doesn't like or agree with, and still be constant with him, then HE has the problem. Especially since he lives in NZ and you're in the States. You need real live people in your life, not just online, and for him to insist that you dump her is selfish in the extreme and smacks of insecurity. He doesn't trust in you enough to be able to keep your own opinion of him separate from hers. Even though you are cream, you have enough distinct structure that you can exist apart from coffee. You also don't become less than cream when you mix with coffee, you just assimilate ( and all I can see is a Borg) lol.

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RE: War of Worlds (relationship issue not the book) - 10/21/2013 11:11:20 AM

AthenaSurrenders

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If I were you, I would have a conversation with both of them ahead of time. Something along the lines of 'You are one of the people I love most in the world. So is X. I know that the two of you may not get on well, but you are both important and valuable parts of my life, and I need you to respect that he/she means the world to me. If you have my best interests at heart as I believe you do, then you will work with me on making things pleasant and civil for everyone."

It's natural for people who care for us to want to protect us from potentially damaging relationships. The problem is, it's very difficult for another person to make an objective judgment about whether you would be happier without them - especially when they've never met each other or seen you interact in the flesh.

Like Chatte said, set some boundaries. Make it clear to both of them up front that you will not tolerate them treating each other badly, or trying to pressure you into picking sides.

I have always told people that if anyone in my life forces me to choose between them and someone else I care about, they will lose. If someone tries to force or manipulate me into picking them over someone else important to me, then obviously they don't care about my happiness and don't need to be part of my life. I have ended a relationship over this, and it was the right choice. I'm sure it won't come to that, but you need to set your boundaries early. If she's your BFF and he's the forever guy, you don't want to spend the next 40 years being stuck in the middle and trying to keep the peace.

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RE: War of Worlds (relationship issue not the book) - 10/21/2013 11:35:13 AM

OsideGirl

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First of all, it's not his place to say something to your friend. And Chatte is right, if he doesn't understand that..then you may want to re-think a few things.

Second, you've never met this man face to face. He may get there and you both discover that the chemistry doesn't work. Would you risk losing a friend over that?

I agree with everyone else, you need to learn to set realistic boundaries and expectations.

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RE: War of Worlds (relationship issue not the book) - 10/21/2013 3:10:19 PM

kalikshama

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OP, I suggest you have this conversation with them:

quote:

Original: AthenaSurrenders

'You are one of the people I love most in the world. So is X. I know that the two of you may not get on well, but you are both important and valuable parts of my life, and I need you to respect that he/she means the world to me. If you have my best interests at heart as I believe you do, then you will work with me on making things pleasant and civil for everyone."

And leave it at that since:

quote:

Original: OsideGirl

Second, you've never met this man face to face. He may get there and you both discover that the chemistry doesn't work. Would you risk losing a friend over that?

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RE: War of Worlds (relationship issue not the book) - 10/21/2013 3:21:18 PM

DesFIP

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You need to establish healthy boundaries.

I'm not going to say that he's trying to isolate you from your whole support system because he isn't. He's trying to weaken your submissiveness to someone who takes advantage of you. You started a business with her and then she flaked. She rides roughshod over you without you consenting to her having authority to do so.

A consensual power relationship with someone is one thing. Having someone demand this without giving anything back is something else.

Now, you may meet this guy and not have any chemistry in real life or decide neither of you can move and you should end it. Until you agree to being in a real time relationship, couple of hours away, you shouldn't let him have control of any part of your vanilla life.

However, from what you've said, this friend is a user and doesn't respect you. You need to set limits with her. Because the stronger you are, the healthier your relationships will be. So far, you've admitted that you let her use you because she'll help put you in and out of a straight jacket. To me, that's not a good enough reason to let her tell you who you can and cannot date.

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