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RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 9:54:21 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedguy678

I'm trying to remove the cock picture just cant do it from my phone. Regarding my vanilla life, my wife hates this lifestyle and thinks we are sick and would never approve of my bisexual yearning. I will remove the TMI and rework it as you suggested. Thanks


The fact that you're married and your wife doesn't know you are out to cheat on her puts a completely different spin on things. You'll probably find that kinky people will pass you by just for that. It doesn't say a lot of good things about you. It's also weird that you would even get married to a vanilla straight women knowing that you were kinky and bi. How sad for her to be in a relationship with an someone who wasn't honest with her.

(in reply to openmindedguy678)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 10:04:09 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I'm wondering how you reconcile the two statements below:


quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedguy678
1) I am looking for a woman or couple for play on a regular basis at their beck and call. I will cook, clean, mow, repair, etc.
2) dominant female or couples between 50 and 70 and yes local would be nice although I will travel up to 250 miles as my schedule allows me that luxury.


quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedguy678
Regarding my vanilla life, my wife hates this lifestyle and thinks we are sick and would never approve of my bisexual yearning.

So, exactly how does that work out? When the other woman or couple calls your house to be at their beck and call, how is your wife going to react to that? The second part that I put in bold above certainly doesn't sound like she's approved or sanctioned you having a relationship with another male, at least not a sexual one. Are you saying that your wife doesn't mind that when the phone rings, you are going to run out and play with other people, when she thinks the whole thing is sick?

Are you planning on telling your wife the truth about where you are going and what you are doing when you leave the house? If you're not and you're hiding this from your wife, are you telling the people that you plan to be playing with and/or are on your friends list? I ask because I happen to know one of those people rather well and I'd be pretty shocked if she was cool with you doing things behind your wife's back and making her a part of that.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to openmindedguy678)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 10:06:19 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Aside from the ethical aspects, how are you going to drive 250 miles away and spend time serving a couple while keeping your wife in the dark?

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 10:07:21 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

I'm wondering how you reconcile the two statements below:


quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedguy678
1) I am looking for a woman or couple for play on a regular basis at their beck and call. I will cook, clean, mow, repair, etc.
2) dominant female or couples between 50 and 70 and yes local would be nice although I will travel up to 250 miles as my schedule allows me that luxury.


quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedguy678
Regarding my vanilla life, my wife hates this lifestyle and thinks we are sick and would never approve of my bisexual yearning.

So, exactly how does that work out? When the other woman or couple calls your house to be at their beck and call, how is your wife going to react to that? The second part that I put in bold above certainly doesn't sound like she's approved or sanctioned you having a relationship with another male, at least not a sexual one. Are you saying that your wife doesn't mind that when the phone rings, you are going to run out and play with other people, when she thinks the whole thing is sick?

Are you planning on telling your wife the truth about where you are going and what you are doing when you leave the house? If you're not and you're hiding this from your wife, are you telling the people that you plan to be playing with and/or are on your friends list? I ask because I happen to know one of those people rather well and I'd be pretty shocked if she was cool with you doing things behind your wife's back and making her a part of that.





Oh snap...


< Message edited by lizi -- 10/24/2013 10:08:28 AM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 10:19:56 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		FR~

I think LP has a very good point.... a very serious one too.

And, like a lot of people, BDSM or otherwise, I wouldn't want to get tangled with a cheater.
Cheaters are often very low on people's list of respected aspects/criteria.

If OP can't live his vanilla life, he needs to get out of that relationship first before embarking on another one.

(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 10:34:19 AM   
openmindedguy678


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/7/2013
Status: offline 		I was vanilla when we met and married and did not know I was going to evolve or ever find this side of me. Also, to al of you who are judging me, maybe withhold judgement a little until you know the whole story. I was loyal for 7 years, no other worm at all and on our 2nd year of marriage she cheated on me with a co worker of hers while I was away at work. That is what began my change and even though may here believe it is easy to divorce and think I am a monster for "cheating" I am not. We have now been together for 32 total years and she will never bend on her opinion and I am hoping I will find what I need to know more about my submissive side. Put yourself in another's shoes before you hammer them and label them as something. We all have our burdens to bear, faults, and are all humans cable of feelings. I guess to most the short answer is to give up one thing or the other...it is not that simple. And yes, I will make it clear to anyone who is interested that I am married and will be until things change. I could have lied and covered it up well but decided not too, I have time to travel and meet couples or women and I am away from home often for classes and events for my job. Thanks to those of you who have shared insight, this is a very confusing situation and time for me.

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 10:52:17 AM   
lizi


Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedguy678

I was vanilla when we met and married and did not know I was going to evolve or ever find this side of me. Also, to al of you who are judging me, maybe withhold judgement a little until you know the whole story. I was loyal for 7 years, no other worm at all and on our 2nd year of marriage she cheated on me with a co worker of hers while I was away at work. That is what began my change and even though may here believe it is easy to divorce and think I am a monster for "cheating" I am not. We have now been together for 32 total years and she will never bend on her opinion and I am hoping I will find what I need to know more about my submissive side. Put yourself in another's shoes before you hammer them and label them as something. We all have our burdens to bear, faults, and are all humans cable of feelings. I guess to most the short answer is to give up one thing or the other...it is not that simple. And yes, I will make it clear to anyone who is interested that I am married and will be until things change. I could have lied and covered it up well but decided not too, I have time to travel and meet couples or women and I am away from home often for classes and events for my job. Thanks to those of you who have shared insight, this is a very confusing situation and time for me.


Cheating wasn't brought up as a judgement, it was brought up to say that kinky people find that quality to be something they will generally pass by in a person. Think about it, you're engaging in risky activities that could potentially be harmful to yourself or someone else, or get someone put in jail - do you think you'd like to do that with someone who is dishonest from the start? Not many people that do this stuff will find that taking on someone who is actively dishonest to be a risk they are willing to take when engaging in things that take utter communication and transparency between all parties. You're going into it as a liability. You aren't being truthful in your main relationship and are devaluing the biggest vow you have taken in your life, why do you think that wouldn't matter to others?

Also, if you think that people here haven't been cheaters or cheated upon and can't understand your situation then you are completely wrong. They've been in your shoes. No one knows why she did what she did or why you are doing what you are doing, we're simply pointing out that it's not conducive to what you are setting out to find...

FYI, you don't get brownie points for not lying to the people you are potentially engaging with when you are lying to your wife back at home.

No one here espouses being a martyr in a bad marriage. We're saying if you are going make a change to the biggest vows of your life, to let the other party know that. It's exactly what she should have done 30 years ago, let you know. It doesn't make it ok for you to do it now because she did it before.

(in reply to openmindedguy678)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 11:05:19 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Lizi nailed this one. All of her advice is good OP, but most especially this:

"It doesn't make it ok for you to do it now because she did it before."

If your wife cheated on you 30 years ago and you are still holding it against her, it really doesn't say much about the state of your marriage. Many people stay in an unhappy marriage b/c of the kids, or b/c they're afraid to be alone, or b/c they fear the unknown. I've been there and done that.

It was a mistake. I'm now married to a marvelous guy who makes me happy and can accept who I *really* am.

You may find some of the advice presented here very harsh, but really we're not picking on you. Our advice is intended to make you think about who and what you are, and what you're doing with your life.

Many of us have been in your shoes, and have had to make very difficult choices. Seriously, we're trying to steer you clear of the pitfalls and give you a realistic viewpoint of your chances for finding what you seek.

Think about it. Anyone willing to engage with a cheater is most likely not terribly honest themselves.








_____________________________



(in reply to lizi)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 11:14:51 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedguy678
I was vanilla when we met and married and did not know I was going to evolve or ever find this side of me. Also, to al of you who are judging me, maybe withhold judgement a little until you know the whole story. I was loyal for 7 years, no other worm at all and on our 2nd year of marriage she cheated on me with a co worker of hers while I was away at work. That is what began my change and even though may here believe it is easy to divorce and think I am a monster for "cheating" I am not. We have now been together for 32 total years and she will never bend on her opinion and I am hoping I will find what I need to know more about my submissive side. Put yourself in another's shoes before you hammer them and label them as something. We all have our burdens to bear, faults, and are all humans cable of feelings. I guess to most the short answer is to give up one thing or the other...it is not that simple. And yes, I will make it clear to anyone who is interested that I am married and will be until things change. I could have lied and covered it up well but decided not too, I have time to travel and meet couples or women and I am away from home often for classes and events for my job. Thanks to those of you who have shared insight, this is a very confusing situation and time for me.

You did not answer My question. I asked you if you are telling the people that you are engaging with that you are doing this behind your wife's back? I didn't ask if you are telling people that you have a vanilla relationship. It's two entirely different things.

While I have your attention, please do not send Me friends request. My "friend" is the person that I happen to think you are being less than honest with. I've known the woman for seven years. She hosted our good-bye party when My husband and I left the area. If you are taking her for a ride by not telling her the whole truth, I can promise you that it's going to be a short one.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to openmindedguy678)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 11:16:20 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		 as always CP... and Lizi too.

If OP has 'evolved' to a different point in his life than where he started from, he has two choices -
1) Stay in his marriage and not indulge in his kink;  or,
2) Divorce his wife and follow his kink.

Trying to mix the two is a surefire recipe for total disaster and/or misery.


ETA: And yes, OP, I've been in your shoes and got myself a divorce before I moved on.
Nobody likes a cheater and many in the community dislike that trait immensely.
I'm not making a judgement but you can't successfully do both - it really doesn't work.


< Message edited by freedomdwarf1 -- 10/24/2013 11:19:46 AM >

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 11:17:04 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedguy678
I could have lied and covered it up well but decided not too


But, you are lying and covering it up. Your wife doesn't know.

Just because it's D/s BDSM doesn't mean that we throw our morals out the window, and most will take a dim view on you cheating and lying to your wife.

From my own perspective: You're lying to the most important person in your life. Since whoever you're going to be involved with isn't the most important person in your life, it is reasonable to expect that you would have no problem doing the same to them. Not exactly a relationship based on trust.

Not to mention, you're looking to get involved with someone that doesn't care about hurting an innocent third party, your wife. Not exactly a stellar partner, either.

I find cheating extremely distasteful and don't find the "she did it first" defense to be a mature response.

That's the last I'll say in this thread.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to openmindedguy678)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 1:15:25 PM   
openmindedguy678


Posts: 10
Joined: 1/7/2013
Status: offline 		Ok, looks like the consensus is that I have to chose one or the other...too much to lose on one side and everything to lose on the other with a no win on both sides...not much of a choice lol. Oh well, y'all be safe and thanks for the insight.

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 2:14:24 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		If you had a strong marriage you'd have a lot to lose, is that really what you have?

B/c if in my mind a strong marriage would mean you could open up to your wife and get her permission to play at least in a non-sexual way.

If you mean a lot to lose financially, believe me when I tell you, it's not worth it. But you may have to learn that the hard way.

I assume if you've been married for over 30 years the kids are grown or mostly grown, right? Certainly they are old enough that you don't have to factor them into your decisions.

Or is there something I'm missing?





_____________________________



(in reply to openmindedguy678)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 3:06:25 PM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		This thread made me sad.

OP, if you're still around, you might find that a lot of your kinkily submissive desires go away once someone is paying sexual and emotional attention to you. It sounds as though you made your desires increasingly "perverse" by denying them for years.

I walk away from things that are toxic. I've had to make some hard decisions in my life, but I'm healthier for it, and I think it's the #1 reason women find me attractive. I'm not tall and I'm not ripped, but when I talk to women about their lives, quite a few of them get the impression that I've figured things out that they haven't. And it's true, but only because I've paid some high prices, and lived to tell the tale.

By contrast, you sound contradicted and lost. I think your first point of address needs to be to live an internally consistent life. You'll get a lot of female attention if you do.

Best wishes.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 9:29:14 PM   
MasterCaneman


Posts: 3842
Joined: 3/21/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

This thread made me sad.

OP, if you're still around, you might find that a lot of your kinkily submissive desires go away once someone is paying sexual and emotional attention to you. It sounds as though you made your desires increasingly "perverse" by denying them for years.

I walk away from things that are toxic. I've had to make some hard decisions in my life, but I'm healthier for it, and I think it's the #1 reason women find me attractive. I'm not tall and I'm not ripped, but when I talk to women about their lives, quite a few of them get the impression that I've figured things out that they haven't. And it's true, but only because I've paid some high prices, and lived to tell the tale.

By contrast, you sound contradicted and lost. I think your first point of address needs to be to live an internally consistent life. You'll get a lot of female attention if you do.

Best wishes.


That is some of the best advice I've ever seen given on a subject like this.

_____________________________

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and ambition.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting. ~ Sun Tzu

Goddess Wrangler



(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 11:07:12 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: openmindedguy678

Ok, looks like the consensus is that I have to chose one or the other...too much to lose on one side and everything to lose on the other with a no win on both sides...not much of a choice lol. Oh well, y'all be safe and thanks for the insight.



Reminds me of an old adage. "You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it." What makes you think once wifey discovers you're cheating she won't kick your ass to the curb?!?!?!

Good luck with the cake and eating it too.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to openmindedguy678)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Newbie submissive bi male - 10/24/2013 11:20:43 PM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Great posting. I agree it is some of the best advice I've seen on the subject.





_____________________________



(in reply to RedMagic1)
Profile   Post #: 37
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