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RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 2:12:37 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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OP - humiliation doesn't need to be part of a bdsm relationship - neither does pain or sex. In fact, since the two of you are in charge of your own relationship, there doesn't need to be anything there that you don't want. Heck if you don't want to roll in pumpkin guts on the kitchen floor you don't have to. But if he wants you to, the two of you need to be able to talk about it.

Once the two of you get a sense of what you each want, then is the time to tell the other, preferably in a way that makes the other open to the idea. For instance, I love thuddy pain. My sweetie likes to give stingy pain. And I love to take that stingy pain. So he bought a thuddy flogger, so he can give me what I like, while still giving me the nasty stingy pain he likes.

And he knows that I like thud because I told him, in a positive manner, without criticism and a lot of humour. Our relationship has a lot of fun and humour in it, so that works for us.

Oh yeah - there is no perfect submissive. There is no perfect dominant (*gasp* blasphemy I know). What or who ever you use as a role model has their own battles to accommodate a relationship. Its kind of like single people who don't have kids who are the ones who know all about raising kids (

) - no-one else can give you the "One True Way".

(in reply to crazyml)

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RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 2:34:01 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

he doesn't quite have the full knowledge of how I maybe want our relationship should go in the bedroom. as of now I've plowed through books, online works, and some forums to just get a general idea *much farther knowledge than my partner*, and I guess I've put the expectations on myself before really explaining to my partner. I just really needed the clarity on how to proceed I guess because I was just stagnating with the internal turmoil and He caught onto that and I reach this dilemma.

When my (now ex) husband and I were new to BDSM, I would read him passages from my favorite non-fiction BDSM books or point to pictures in Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns : The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism and say, "This looks like fun."

(in reply to subnilla)

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RE: internal conflict - 10/24/2013 5:15:51 PM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

I think you need to be clear with yourself as to what attracts you to submission. Is there a component of service? A component of masochism? Discipline? Bondage?

What about this is something that you want to explore. It will be whatever you make it and allow it to be.

Also, it is ok to start slow.

Years and years ago I had limits around humiliation, breath play, degree of injury, blood, among other things. Humiliation and injury in particular were related to a history of trauma and a history of self injury. Over time I let those doors crack open, and at this point both those aspects of masochism have played a large role in my healing.

Also, at this point all those limits are on my must have list.

It also sounds like from your posts this is just a bedroom thing for you at this point. Some of us here may be a bit confusing since for a lot of us this is something we carry absolutely through our relationships, and we are the FAR end of the spectrum.

I also don't mean to sound belittling and mean this seriously, if you are first looking to spice things up you may want to try some general resources for women and sex, hell even cosmo. Even if it is only to get a sense of how wide the spectrum is on this, and get an idea of where you want to start.

< Message edited by sheisreeds -- 10/24/2013 5:17:12 PM >

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~ s.

Oh my darling, give me reason
give me something to believe in

You need a spankin' baby!

(in reply to crazyml)

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Post #: 23