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secretcliche2 -> so many questions (10/23/2013 10:47:01 PM)

Hi there, so i am new and just am very curious.. I guess just recently I have found out that master/doms can be more than just a "master" ... So i just i have this "fantasy" situation in my head of what I would like to have in my life.. But I guess my main question would be... how do i really get a master/dom or what not? I am too nervous to make this a public thing for now.. I have a very vanilla life, but more of just a bedroom master i guess? I am so confused.. any help would be greatly appreciated!



DesFIP -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 3:46:33 AM)

Find someone who wants what you want.

But if a face pic isn't public, then what is?

Search profiles for guys in your area. If there's someone who attracts you, drop a line saying hi. If you find you enjoy talking to each other, meet for coffee. Date, talk about what you want and need and what does and doesn't work for you.



DarkSteven -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 6:09:45 AM)

Okay. I read your profile and your tumblr. You're a college student, a stoner who likes photography, a bit agoraphobic, and you got your desire from Fifty Shades.

First, throw out Fifty Shades. It no more reflects the lifestyle than a bodice ripper reflects real romantic relationships.

Second, forget about a bedroom Master. There are too damn many weenies out there who will jump on that as an invitation to free sex. Go for a man who's up to a relationship, who has interests in common with you, and who you can respect.

Third, DesFIP suggested approaching men online. That can work - I've had two spanking relationships with women who approached me online - but the majority of men online are there because they strike out in person. I realize that you're not big on public events, but going to munches will save a LOT of frustration online.



JeffBC -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 8:05:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: secretcliche2
I have a very vanilla life, but more of just a bedroom master i guess? I am so confused.. any help would be greatly appreciated!

Here on collarme that is known as a "top". Label definitions though, here and elsewhere are pretty loose (or non-existent) so I'd recommend spending the effort to get an elevator speech together. In three sentences describe clearly and concisely what you want.

You expect someone to be in charge sexually.
Do you have some specific interests (bondage, etc.)
What sort of relationship otherwise... none? vanilla? marriage?

I honestly had no idea what you were talking about in your post. A master/dom can be more than just a "master" but you want that bedroom only? I'm afraid I need to wait for the description that follows that muddled mess.

edited to add
You read 50 shades and it got you hot. You're going to need to do A LOT of work to detangle the reasonable part of that from the ridiculous.



Domnotlooking -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 8:43:42 AM)

If you're with a guy just say out loud that being pushed against a wall and kissed hard makes your pussy wet.

From there, gather, sort, and cull the ones who catch the hint.



DesFIP -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 9:48:15 AM)

I didn't realize you're in school surrounded by lots of guys willing to act on their kinky sex thoughts also. First, make friends with them. Because if you don't enjoy talking to them after you get untied, you won't want to see them again.

Talk to the guys you find to be good guys who are also desirable to you. Ask if they're in relationships or not. Ask if they want to go out for coffee with you, or for a drink. Before you have sex, but when you're pretty sure it's heading that way ask him what he likes sexually. Tell him you enjoy rough sex, or being tied down and taken. Ask if that is something he finds enjoyable also. Just like you need to know if when you say "let's do dinner" that he likes Thai food also, you need to know if you're compatible sexually.

And the rule of thumb here is that if you can't talk about sex, then you shouldn't be having it.



Apocalypso -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 10:18:18 AM)

I'm afraid I'm going to go through disagreeing repeatedly with DarkSteven. But all in the best possible taste, as always.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven
First, throw out Fifty Shades. It no more reflects the lifestyle than a bodice ripper reflects real romantic relationships.


That's overstating it a bit I think. There's nothing wrong with finding Fifty Shades appealing and using it as a gateway to looking further into BDSM. However, as you say, it's important to remember that it's fiction. Trying to live your life from a book should be left to constantly drunk, black-clad philosophy students.

quote:

Second, forget about a bedroom Master. There are too damn many weenies out there who will jump on that as an invitation to free sex. Go for a man who's up to a relationship, who has interests in common with you, and who you can respect.


I suspect you and the OP may be talking at cross-purposes. From her profile, I read that as "I want a relationship where the d/s element is confined to the bedroom" as opposed to "I want a relationship based entirely on sex".

quote:

Third, DesFIP suggested approaching men online. That can work - I've had two spanking relationships with women who approached me online - but the majority of men online are there because they strike out in person. I realize that you're not big on public events, but going to munches will save a LOT of frustration online.
Going to disagree with this for several reasons. Firstly, there's the generational thing. OP is in her 20's. Meeting people online for relationships is standard practice by this point. Certainly, she'll need to vet the idiots. But 90% of those are easy enough to spot.

Secondly, there's other ways to meet kinky people. The OP is into musical theatre and art galleries. Both the theatre crowd and the arty crowd have a fair few BDSMers in their ranks, at least in my experience. (Although finding men who are interested in women in the theatre crowd narrows it down a bit, again just in my experience).

Thirdly, and this is a point I think a lot of munch-goers sometimes miss. Anyone who you meet at a munch is a lot more likely to have "BDSM scene" as a hobby/interest. Quite often, they'll have it as a pretty primary part of their social life. If that's not what you're looking for, it can be a bit problematic. In the same way as it could be an issue if someone who hates sports was to meet potential partners at football matches.



kiwisub12 -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 2:21:53 PM)

OP - I have the relationship you want - bedroom kink and vanilla outside of it. I found my sweetie on adultfriendfinder.com. It wasn't even the sort of relationship I was looking for - I wanted a dominant with sadistic tendencies, and what I got was a sadist who wanted a vanilla relationship outside of the bedroom. And I love it.

So, look for what you want, but don't rule out anything else. It may be what you want and don't know about.

and while you are talking to men ask if they have heard about "50 Shades of Grey", and what they thought about it. The answer, if they have heard of it (and really, who hasn't , is they watch tv) will give you an idea of what they like without you having to go into excruciating detail.

Oh, and the last piece of advice I can give you - be as honest as you can with the men you date. If you settle you WILL regret it. I spent a lifetime in a marriage hiding who I was because I didn't want to hurt or upset him, and it didn't do either of us any good. Years I could have been enjoying myself.



secretcliche2 -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 3:24:24 PM)

Well thanks for the input everyone.. I would like to clarify yes.. i do like 50 shades... however I have been curious about this stuff before the books.

So it seems I just need to look for a guy I can just talk with about this sort of thing and be able to have an actual relationship with him? If you guys think of other things please share.



angelikaJ -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 3:57:22 PM)

http://wisconsinkink.livejournal.com/


http://www.drkdesyre.com/meetppl/orgs/orgswest.html#WI

http://www.ties-bdsm.org/events.html

Maybe you could find people to talk to at a munch.
Despite your desire to keep your desire out of the public sphere, you are more likely to find comfortability with people who share your interests.





kiwisub12 -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 4:16:48 PM)

OP - it really doesn't matter where you found out that you liked bdsm. I realize that there is a whole section of people on cm that seem to think that "50 Shades" is beneath them, but if it puts more people in tune with what they desire, then more power to it. I just wish that I had read it when I was 23, so I could have sought out bdsm relationships then. I feel as if I wasted years when I could have felt fulfilled.



sheisreeds -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 5:33:51 PM)

FYI Masters many times refer more to 24/7 relationships since the term is most often used in a Master/slave context. Dominant however can fall pretty much anywhere on the spectrum from just in the bedroom to 24/7 total power exchange.

In the end people can use words however they want, but that might make things a little clearer on your search.

Following those links and going to a munch sounds like a great idea.

Secondly it might be worth messaging some submissives in your area and find a buddy.



SunTzuSwe -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 11:09:52 PM)

First of all I'd like to say that fifty shades is the second book in my entire life that I stopped reading half way through and I intend to finish the first book. Contrary to most people though I dislike the book maily because of the poor writing, the sex and bdsm I didn't mind so much. Sure it's fiction and I think you're smart enough to pic up on what's realistic irl and what's just fiction.
As for meeting someone, it's just like regular dating with some kink thrown in for spice. We're all regular people with regular lives and some people click while others don't. Most guys are up for bedroom kink but are nervous about you not liking it.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: so many questions (10/24/2013 11:36:28 PM)

Is a relationship what you want? Then sure, look for someone into this and see if you can make a go if it. But don't go into it blind. There's a lot of learn and I highly suggest you acquire a foundation of knowledge that's well beyond the mistaken crap 50 shades gave you.

There's a non-fiction book list floating around, and you may find that helpful.

Get in touch with your local community, if you go to a large school, there most likely is one. Make some friends.

Frankly if I were you I'd keep my options open and play the field until I knew what I really wanted out of this. Just play safe.

If you don't know what I mean by that, ask.

We're a very friendly supportive group (unless you're as asshat.)










sunshinemiss -> RE: so many questions (10/25/2013 6:30:50 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Apocalypso

Trying to live your life from a book should be left to constantly drunk, black-clad philosophy students.



I may have just found my next goal in life...

Hello, I'm sunshine... I want to become a constantly drunk, black-clad philosophy student... although I don't really drink, I like to wear jewel tones, and more of a psychology gal than philosophy, but ... it can work. Yes? No? Oh. It sounded so appealing. *sigh*



dananddawn -> RE: so many questions (11/7/2013 2:57:03 PM)

It is good sport right now to bash or defend 50 shades, even by those who have not read the book.

We got together a dozen people who are actively involved in the local real time BDSM community and asked them what they thought of 50 shades. They answered here -> http://www.eroticawakening.com/files/ea194.php



chatnoire -> RE: so many questions (11/28/2013 5:41:59 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: dananddawn

It is good sport right now to bash or defend 50 shades, even by those who have not read the book.



50 shades was circulating the internet as "Twilight" fan-fiction long before it was published as a book. A poorly written book. Something that started off as fan-fiction about sparkly vampires is not something I'm going to take the time to read, just sayin'.



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