|
blindsatanist -> Potty Time (10/25/2013 11:16:43 PM)
|
HAIL SATAN!!!!!!!!!
It was late one week night and I was at Piggy's house. Piggy was one of the main leaders of the Cult, which I used to be a part of before I found Satan and became a born again Satanist and accepted Satan into my life with my whole heart, my whole mind, my whole body, and my whole black, wicked, depraved soul. Before Piggy had moved into the house that this story took place in, it had been the house of The Chief, who was another leader of The Cult.
There were about five or six of us sitting in the living room of Piggy's bible and chick tract cluttered apartment talking. It was right after bible study had gotten out. Many of the people who had attended the bible study had the fortunate luck of escaping to their dorms before Piggy and The Chief rounded them up to come over to Piggy's house for an after bible study conversation, recapping the key points of the boring, stupid, pointless bla, bla, bla bible study. I, of course, was not one of the lucky ones. The Cult took full advantage of my blindness and, seeing that I couldn't leave the place of worship very quickly, they rounded me up immediately and, at the time, I believed that I had no other choice but to go to their house and endure another torturous, bored to tears discussion. Now that I have left The Cult, I realize that I did have a choice. I could have said no and gone home like the other fortunate people that Satan helped escape back to the safety of their dorms but at the time I didn't fully have Satan in my heart to guide me through tough times and tough decisions.
I've forgotten what we were talking about because it isn't really worth remembering because it is so boring and stupid. All I can remember is that, at some point during the conversation, I got up and went to the bathroom because I had to take a major dump. I thought that the rest of the people in the living room would continue their conversation and would leave me to tend to my business privately but, boy was I badly mistaken.
No sooner had I gotten into the bathroom and shut the door I heard footsteps. The door did not have a lock on it, of course. Nobody who was part of The Cult appreciated or understood the value of privacy. Without bothering to knock, Thief opened the door all the way and barged right in, followed by Banana and Piggy.
By this time I had seated myself on the toilet and my pants were off because I just could not fathom that they had the utter nerve to barge in on me while I was shitting, for god's sakes. I sat there in stunned silence, not sure what to say. Piggy took advantage of the silence and said, "This conversation is really deep and powerful. I can really feel god's holy spirit coursing throughout the whole house. Can you feel it Ashlee?"
"No, not at the moment," I answered irritably.
"Really?" Thief asked, absolutely appalled that I could possibly miss god's abundant holy spirit surging throughout the whole apartment while I was trying to do my business.
"Really," I answered.
"Maybe when you guys get the hell out of here and let me shit in peace will I start to feel it. What are you all doing in here anyway?"
"Whatever in the world to you mean Ashlee Smashlee?" Banana cried, wringing her hands in absolute agony, as if I'd punched her in the gut. Which is exactly what I wanted to do to her and all the rest of them that were so freely and openly invading my damn privacy.
"We always finish up conversations with each other throughout the house. If someone needs to go to the bathroom, we all follow. That way we won't forget where we left off in the conversation that god really wants us to have and complete. Why are you so angry? Don't your other friends and family ever talk to you in the bathroom? Besides, we've been in here for a while, aren't you almost finished going now? Because if you are, I have to go and all of you are certainly welcome to stay in here and talk to me and pray with me."
Now it was my turn to be shocked. After a few seconds, I realized that those people were not kidding at all or trying to pull any pranks.
"Wow, you really can't be apart from each other at all, can you?" I said, aghast.
"To answer your question, Banana, no, my friends and family don't try to pray with me or converse with me when I'm trying to piss and shit. They leave me to my business privately, like you all should be doing, not just for me but for each other. How utterly pathetic of you guys to have to feel the need to be together constantly, even when you're going to the bathroom. Don't you freaks know that some things are made to be done in private? Oh, and another thing, to answer your other question, I'm not about done going to the bathroom because I can't go with all of you staring at me like I'm some kind of two headed beast just because I need privacy for going to the bathroom. I'll be done in a minute. Get out of here, all of you."
You would think that they would have all apologized and left like I requested them to. I guess demanded is a better word. Whatever choice of words you want to use, neither one of them worked. No request or demand could make them understand and leave. If I could have just pulled up my pants and called it a day and left the bathroom and gone another time I certainly would have fled to my dorm as fast as I could. But it was too late. I had a hard, solid rock of shit stuck halfway in and halfway out of my ass that wouldn't come out because I was stuck in an anxious, tense ball of nerves while six pairs of eyes bore into me. I didn't want to get poo in my pants so I just sat there and expected that they would leave, as any decent, sane human would. But they didn't.
Instead, as incredible as this sounds, they all moved in closer. And one by one they extended their arms so that they could touch me and pray over me. Thief was the one who prayed, while the other two "Amened" and "Yes lorded" while she talked.
Thief said "Oh, dear lord, please help our dear sister in christ relax and realize that we are safe people to be around. Please let her understand that we are all here for one another and that it is ok to share such intimate and private times with each other, such as sharing a bathroom and conversing while one of us is going potty. Please help her relax so she can finish her business. Rebuke Satan, the one who is causing her such internal turmoil and pain and bring her to the light, your light, dear lord. We ask this in your holy, righteous name, Amen."
Everybody exclaimed in unison "Amen!" Then Banana said "Hey Ashlee, I'll bring you some water to drink. Drinking water when you are constipated often helps bring it out. I'll be back. Stay with her sisters," she said to Piggy and Thief as she left the bathroom.
"Jesus H. Christ!" I shouted.
"I don't need any goddamn water and I am not constipated. I just need you all to get the fuck out of here and let me shit in mother fucking peace. Why is that so fucking hard for you all to get?"
Three very wounded and surprised gasps came from my so-called "Sisters in Christ" but I'd finally gotten them to understand that I was not kidding around, that they had reached my breaking point. As they slowly retreated, Piggy said softly, "Oh, dear god, please forgive our hurting sister for using your dear, precious name in vain, for she does not know what she is doing."
Thief whispered to me as she retreated rather hastily now, "If you need water, tell us."
Banana said, "I'm always here to come in there and pray for you to help your stool pass easier. You don't need to push us away like us, dear sister. You are not only hurting us, you are also hurting yourself."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can take your prayers and lectures and shove them up your fat, fucking asses!" I yelled.
At last there was blissful silence and I finally relaxed and let go. As it turns out, I was not the least constipated. I was just in desperate need for what the normal world calls "Privacy." Outside the bathroom I could hear faint whispers and muffled gasps of alarm and horror as the witnesses in the bathroom no doubt told them all what happened and about my outburst.
For once, I did not feel the least bit ashamed of lashing out at those people. In fact, I went home with a sense of pride, knowing that, at last, I had finally stood up to them and told them just how crazy they really were. To this day I'm sure they still congregate three or even six at a time in the bathroom while someone is on the toilet or taking a shower or Satan knows what else. But I am happy to say that I am free from The Cult and from people walking in on me all the time. And everyone that I hang with now goes potty in private, just the way Satan says we should because it feels good and right to all of us.
HAIL SATAN!!!!!!!!!
|
|
|
|
