Power in a relationship

Power in a relationship (Full Version)

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AaNiMaLl -> Power in a relationship (10/26/2013 4:41:40 PM)
What is power between two people? I am not talking about like social, monetary or normative. To me love is meeting our psychological needs / drives / desires. And power is the ability to be able to control those needs on every level but maybe someone can shed some more light.

evesgrden -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/26/2013 5:06:23 PM)
The ability to elicit desired behavior.

DesFIP -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/26/2013 5:57:36 PM)
I'm not sure why you assume that just because you're in love, your needs will be met. That's not at all true. And if you're referring to a d/s relationship, which is a little unclear, it isn't power so much as authority that is given over.

orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/27/2013 1:34:35 AM)
Feminists often talk of two kinds of power - power to, and power over. For me - power to is the most important kind of power - I have the power to decide where I live, where I work, how I dress, who I socialise with. As a submissive, I have no interest at all in power over others - what people do is up to them.

TigressLily -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/27/2013 3:06:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12 Feminists often talk of two kinds of power - power to, and power over. For me - power to is the most important kind of power - I have the power to decide where I live, where I work, how I dress, who I socialise with. As a submissive, I have no interest at all in power over others - what people do is up to them. A lot of that has to do with ego insecurities, the compelling need to wield power over others. Good of you to make this distinction because having power to is more about possessing personal power. There are subs who feel powerless over their own lives and seek out a "powerful" Dominant to take charge of their lives. Paradoxically, some of them offer TPE when they have little to no personal power of their own to give to another. This is an illusory D/s dynamic, one where the D-type must always act all-powerful at all times, and the s-type must always act powerless. In order to sustain this mutual illusion, Top/bottom roles must also always be maintained, otherwise the fantasy begins to crack. Eventually it shatters or implodes. Back to your original question, OP. Power is fluid not static and a true exchange IS an exchange of empowerment. For a slave to be totally stripped of power, which is what those with a slave mentality religiously believe, renders a slave useless. I've heard many self-professed (male) slaves refer to perfection, an inverted desire to attain perfection through slavery by being broken down and built back up. How is this possible if the building-back-up process lacks self-empowerment? Conversely if someone is truly powerful, then s/he has power to share, an excess amount as in overflow.

singlemaltlady -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/27/2013 9:43:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12 Feminists often talk of two kinds of power - power to, and power over. 3 types of power: Power from within - choosing thoughts, actions and reactions. Power with - partnerships towards a common goal; building a satisfying relationship with people, animals and the planet Power over - authoritarian structures: military, religious hierarchy, propaganda, non-consensual infliction of pain (harm). Some people would think that D/s is about power over, but it is actually power with. Communication and consent make that true. About the "feminists" stuff... the label, like D/s labels, really does require specification. In my view, feminists use their power to save lives. I love the intelligence of the men and women who carry the label - feminist. Courageous, open-minded and powerful people! :)

NuevaVida -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/27/2013 1:59:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl What is power between two people? For us it's a type of energy. There's physical power, and he can and does physically overpower me. There's mental/emotional power, and we each carry our own in the relationship. He utilizes mine, but I have not relinquished it, as it's bigger than our relationship and serves more than just me/us. quote: To me love is meeting our psychological needs / drives / desires. And power is the ability to be able to control those needs on every level but maybe someone can shed some more light. That's an interesting take. For others, love may or may not meet these needs. For me, love contributes to meeting those needs, but our love alone is not the be-all, end-all of my needs (or his, either). Our love for each other certainly enhances our lives, particularly what we do with our love. But what we influence and what we're influenced by is more than just our relationship.

littlewonder -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/27/2013 7:19:15 PM)
power for us is he has authority over me and our life together. He makes the decisions, he says what happens and doesn't happen, I do as he says. For us it definitely is not a power within. I don't hold any power whatsoever in our relationship. It's a power over. And we happen to like it that way.

youthinkso121 -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/29/2013 8:41:55 PM)
Sorry LW LW always has the power to say NO and no longer be in the relationship.

Blankpain -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/30/2013 1:03:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: evesgrden The ability to elicit desired behavior. I'd tweak that to be the ability to elicit desired feelings (and, yes, pain is a feeling, as is love).

DesFIP -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/30/2013 2:44:04 PM)
I also think the op defining power as defining another's needs for them to be totally off base. He can demand certain behavior from me. He cannot change my personality traits. He wants to go to a party tomorrow night. Me? I'd rather go to town, watch the parade and see the pumpkin competition. I'll go to this party and engage in party conversation. I will come home tired out by it, not energized. Because I'm an introvert and large groups of loud people exhaust me.

littlewonder -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/30/2013 7:37:32 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: youthinkso121 Sorry LW LW always has the power to say NO and no longer be in the relationship. ha. cute.

anaturalsubmiss -> RE: Power in a relationship (10/31/2013 10:38:57 AM)
The power to say no, and to not care if you're no longer in the relationship!

TailStrike -> RE: Power in a relationship (11/1/2013 1:44:30 PM)
youthinkso121 Vanilla Was correct. The only true power we wield is over our selves. We have the power to withhold or exclude. Everything else must be a gift. My property chooses to be with me on my terms. The moment I am no longer willing to exclude is the moment that authority exchange falters. Once that authority has been aknowledged, work within that framework is the stuff of PE relationships.

needlesandpins -> RE: Power in a relationship (11/1/2013 5:04:02 PM)
I can truly say that love has never met my needs at all. it's great when you think you've got it, but then you have to wonder why if this person loves you they treat you like crap. love can also be very one sided in which case probably nothing you want is being met. in fact loving a person can be a complete bitch that only serves to highlight everything you want, but everything you lack. as for power. I have nothing but the ability to walk away if I don't like the way things are. in my last relationship I thought I had much more than I did. in the end it still all boiled down to either staying, or walking away. I walked away because he no longer deserved my power to stay. needles

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Power in a relationship (11/1/2013 6:12:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12 Feminists often talk of two kinds of power - power to, and power over. For me - power to is the most important kind of power - I have the power to decide where I live, where I work, how I dress, who I socialise with. As a submissive, I have no interest at all in power over others - what people do is up to them. :) My 2 cents: Power is as you define it.

njlauren -> RE: Power in a relationship (11/1/2013 8:48:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: singlemaltlady quote: ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12 Feminists often talk of two kinds of power - power to, and power over. 3 types of power: Power from within - choosing thoughts, actions and reactions. Power with - partnerships towards a common goal; building a satisfying relationship with people, animals and the planet Power over - authoritarian structures: military, religious hierarchy, propaganda, non-consensual infliction of pain (harm). Some people would think that D/s is about power over, but it is actually power with. Communication and consent make that true. About the "feminists" stuff... the label, like D/s labels, really does require specification. In my view, feminists use their power to save lives. I love the intelligence of the men and women who carry the label - feminist. Courageous, open-minded and powerful people! :) Unfortunately, while I agree in general, not all who carry the label "feminist" are intelligent, and def not courageous, open minded..as far as powerful, well, some of them mask insecurities pretty well. To me the ultimate label of feminist who is someone who fights for the right of women to achieve what they want to, how they want to do it, in expressing themselves, whatever that is. The 'feminist' who dismisses women who are able to/chose to be stay at home moms is a class example, or those conversely who are these high power women who claim that work/life balance is easy if you do what they did, which might have worked for them, but is a crock in many ways for other people's experience, and so forth. This type tends to be as authoritarian as anyone on the far right, with their idea of 'this is how a women should live', instead of saying 'hey, women have the right to determine their own fate and future' and get rid of the barriers. Put it this way, there is a (hopefully now dead and dying off) branch of feminism that was as sex negative as a typical member of the religious right,who claimed bd/sm was abuse (and should be prosecuted as such), who thought anything to do with erotica was 'hateful to women' and so forth.....so not all are so good. I think anyone holding the label should wear it with pride, the same way I refuse to let the moronic set deride either being intellectual or liberal:)

njlauren -> RE: Power in a relationship (11/2/2013 6:19:33 AM)
Some interesting answers. For me, power is about the potential or ability to shape things or make things happen. In a relationship, people use the term 'power exchange' and I use it as well, with a variation. In a strict D/s, TPE kid of thing, the sub turns over most or all of the power they wield over their lives (that giving, of course, is a power they have, consent comes from power; after all, a 'real life slave' doesn't have that, nor the power to leave). Some are in relationships where they give away even the power to walk away or defend themselves (not legally, obviously), they choose a consent non consent kind of thing.... For most people, there is a kind of give or take, where there is negotiated power exchange, in that the D takes/gets what powers they wish and the s retains certain powers (or is granted them). Thus some have a D/s where the s can't do basic things like eat when at work or go to the loo without being given permission; other D's would wince at that. I guess the way I would put it is that there is the power to do things, and the power to decide who does them....in a negotiated D/s, that decision is made when the terms are set up, in a more strict D/s, where the sub gives over total control, it is decided by the D.

theshytype -> RE: Power in a relationship (11/2/2013 7:36:58 AM)
quote: Unfortunately, while I agree in general, not all who carry the label "feminist" are intelligent, and def not courageous, open minded..as far as powerful, well, some of them mask insecurities pretty well. To me the ultimate label of feminist who is someone who fights for the right of women to achieve what they want to, how they want to do it, in expressing themselves, whatever that is. The 'feminist' who dismisses women who are able to/chose to be stay at home moms is a class example, or those conversely who are these high power women who claim that work/life balance is easy if you do what they did, which might have worked for them, but is a crock in many ways for other people's experience, and so forth. This type tends to be as authoritarian as anyone on the far right, with their idea of 'this is how a women should live', instead of saying 'hey, women have the right to determine their own fate and future' and get rid of the barriers. Put it this way, there is a (hopefully now dead and dying off) branch of feminism that was as sex negative as a typical member of the religious right,who claimed bd/sm was abuse (and should be prosecuted as such), who thought anything to do with erotica was 'hateful to women' and so forth.....so not all are so good. I think anyone holding the label should wear it with pride, the same way I refuse to let the moronic set deride either being intellectual or liberal:) Great post! I have stopped considering myself a feminist for this very reason. It's unfortunate that the majority of self-proclaimed feminists I have came in contact with are the ones preaching about women's rights - but only to the rights they see fit. It's something I cannot agree with and feel it takes women in the wrong direction. And because of this, I tend to be very cautious with any label I give myself. As for the OP, for me the power is not about controlling my desires, needs, or drive. I still have power over those. I cannot be told what it is I need or want, as I already know. The other person only has the power over themselves to see that mine are met. And likewise, I have the power to decide whether or not I'll meet theirs.

HoneyBears -> RE: Power in a relationship (11/6/2013 11:55:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AaNiMaLl What is power between two people? I am not talking about like social, monetary or normative. To me love is meeting our psychological needs / drives / desires. And power is the ability to be able to control those needs on every level but maybe someone can shed some more light. Are you are speaking about the power of love between two people, the power of being in love, or BDSM-type TPE more along the lines of a master-slave dynamic (which may or may not involve a loving relationship beyond trust and commitment)? Two people being in love is the most powerful dynamic there is. How they choose to express this love with one another is up to them, the distribution of power and control. We have no idea how this works in polyamorous relationships. In our relationship, our being in love makes it possible for us to meet each another's psychological needs. We could not manage to do that effectively if we were not.

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