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RE: Reality Check - 10/30/2013 9:42:28 AM

lovethyself

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Sheisreeds, I think what I was trying to say came out wrong. I'm not looking for forever at the party. What I meant was that some of the people that will be at the party also attend the munch I go to, as well as other events etc. So, my conduct at one will affect people's opinion of me. The more I meet new people, the more I realize just how small the world really is sometimes, and how interconnected people can be. There have been a couple of people I've met that through conversation I realize I've either met them somewhere completely unrelated to kink, or we know the same people through different avenues. No one is an island unto themselves.

So yeah, I'm a little cautious about not making a faux pas somewhere where I know I'll see the people again at the munch or elsewhere. But I'm also not naive enough to think people will be falling over themselves to have me forever just because I showed up at a party. Hell, I don't even think there will be people lining up to tie me up and beat me. At least not this time.

Thanks for your advice and concerns though. I know they were well meant, and a good reminder for me to heed.

(in reply to sheisreeds)

Post #: 21

RE: Reality Check - 10/30/2013 10:21:07 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

. So, my conduct at one will affect people's opinion of me.

Yup...... And so does their conduct affect your opinion of them! But whose opinion matters to you? And why ? Also is that opinion more important than your own opinion of self? I Really hope not! I think you must really consider the opinions that matter and put them in proper prespective to your own opinion. Seems to me you are giving way to much weight to opinions that shouldn't matter.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 22

RE: Reality Check - 10/30/2013 11:46:35 AM

ivone57

Posts: 279
Joined: 1/23/2005
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without reading all the responses, on my first play party Master had me sit and watch and when and if i got comfortable to play we would play... we didnt play that night but at the next play party i played for a few... its not as bad as your mind will lead you to believe... just go with the frame of mind that you are going to have fun and you will... if you dont play thats ok lots of people dont...

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Post #: 23

RE: Reality Check - 10/30/2013 3:29:57 PM

sheisreeds

Posts: 578
Joined: 7/8/2008
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That wasn't the totality of what I was saying.

Play can be very very intense, and it stirs up all sorts of happy brain chemicals and it can be very easy to get or feel attached. It is very important to ground.

There is a whole subsection of BDSM of which the public play scene is apart of that is very free with play but not with emotional attachment. It can be a rough adjustment, or even one that is just not for you.

It can also be confusing.

If you do a scene with someone at a part and it goes really well, sometimes they will ask to scene again, potentially in private. Though sometimes that means a relationship is forming, in most cases it is play only.

I see a lot of new submissives come to parties and everyone is whipping them, tying them up, spanking them and they are happy as can be, and then a few weeks later they're all confused because nothing came of it.

I have lit my friends on fire, done intensive play rape scenes with them, held knives to their throat, I've been beaten near senseless by friends, tied up by friends, countless things, but we were only friends.

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give me something to believe in

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Post #: 24

RE: Reality Check - 10/30/2013 7:31:54 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Ok, then it's whole public scene thing that I don't understand I guess. I just feel too old to to care about who accepts me or not, be it my work or elsewhere. You either do or you don't.

Perhaps it's more that you already have that happy home-zone with the partner that works for you that is making it hard for you to understand.

When I have someone at home that understands me and is willing to stand the test of time with me, I may have a different opinion about the public scene. Until then, the public local scene is one of the places that I plan to look for what you've already found in Kana. Having that and looking for that are two different levels of personal emotional risk.

Nah. Master has nothing to do with it. I've always felt that way since my late 20's and being a single mother, having had lost a husband to death, led a rough life, etc...after awhile you just stop giving a shit. It's just not worth the stress.

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Post #: 25

RE: Reality Check - 10/31/2013 5:15:02 PM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Ok, then it's whole public scene thing that I don't understand I guess. I just feel too old to to care about who accepts me or not, be it my work or elsewhere. You either do or you don't.

Perhaps it's more that you already have that happy home-zone with the partner that works for you that is making it hard for you to understand.

When I have someone at home that understands me and is willing to stand the test of time with me, I may have a different opinion about the public scene. Until then, the public local scene is one of the places that I plan to look for what you've already found in Kana. Having that and looking for that are two different levels of personal emotional risk.

Nah. Master has nothing to do with it. I've always felt that way since my late 20's and being a single mother, having had lost a husband to death, led a rough life, etc...after awhile you just stop giving a shit. It's just not worth the stress.

lw, I understand what you are saying, and it is wonderful that you are that easily able to not give a shit. Some other people are not capable of that though.

To me, it seems as if you are trying to make lovethyself somehow feel lesser or inferior because she has different feeling about things than you do. I reserve the right to be wrong of course, and I apologize if I am misinterpreting what you are saying in this thread. It just, to me, comes of as very patronizing, and I don't think she has ever done anything to deserve that.

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Post #: 26

RE: Reality Check - 10/31/2013 5:48:13 PM

littlewonder

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You'd be wrong. I'm trying to help her see how unhealthy it is to think the way she does. It is self defeating and shows, to me at least, that she has low self esteem that she may want to think more about if she wants to have healthy relationships, friendships and life in general.

If someone though takes what I say as patronizing then that's on them. I don't mince or frou frou words.

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Post #: 27

RE: Reality Check - 10/31/2013 5:59:11 PM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
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Well, perhaps I have low self esteem too, because I see her concerns as pretty normal and ones I have also. Nothing I have seen her say on this thread indicates that she will have problems with having

quote:

healthy relationships, friendships and life in general.

Different strokes and all that shit I reckon.

ETA good luck to lovethyself. I too hope you come back to this thread and post afterwards!

< Message edited by JstAnotherSub -- 10/31/2013 6:00:04 PM >

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Post #: 28

RE: Reality Check - 10/31/2013 7:19:51 PM

njlauren

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Joined: 10/1/2011
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I think my biggest comment is you may be putting to much weight on all this. What I mean is you are treating this as if in going, you will be put under observation and everyone is going to be looking at you,making sure you don't fuck up, etc.....been to a lot of events and play parties in the past, and other then some jerks (who most people believe me know are jerks), people simply aren't like that. They know what it is like to be new, and if you have a transgression, they will understand if they notice you are someone they haven't seen before.

There isn't a lot you have to worry about, especially if you don't plan on playing (which is not a bad idea, observe, get your feet wet first), LP laid out some really great advice, and it is pretty much common sense. Like I said, there are assholes, the 'lady this' who expects you to kneel in front of her (had that happen couple of times, laughed in their face), have run into people who got upset when I said hi to their slave (the person wasn't with their domme, and there was no way to know their rules, I apologized anyway, but it was kind of idiotic to expect someone to follow your rule when you don't know them, and the slave wasn't exactly doing anything)...but most people understand. I dont' know what kind of faux pas you are afraid of, but play parties and events are the junior league, they generally are people who started out as you are and understand, believe me...and if you run into a jerk, that is all they are, a jerk:)

(in reply to JstAnotherSub)

Post #: 29

RE: Reality Check - 11/1/2013 2:54:32 AM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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We went to one last night. We didn't play. Personally, I consider it a waste of time. The lights are too low to see where I'm walking, the music was too high to hear anyone talking. And people were smoking which gave me a major headache.

But I brought some pumpkin bread which everyone raved over and I just smiled at people and nodded while waiting till he wanted to leave.

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Post #: 30

RE: Reality Check - 11/1/2013 9:14:49 AM

lovethyself

Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

You'd be wrong. I'm trying to help her see how unhealthy it is to think the way she does. It is self defeating and shows, to me at least, that she has low self esteem that she may want to think more about if she wants to have healthy relationships, friendships and life in general.

If someone though takes what I say as patronizing then that's on them. I don't mince or frou frou words.

I know I have issues with self esteem. I'm still capable of having healthy relationships, I just usually needed some initiative from the other party to get it started. I've recognized these patterns and I'm trying to break them. That's why I'm doing this, going to munches and workshops, practice sessions, etc. For me it's as much about getting out on my own to meet new people, possibly make new friends. To not expect my few friends to let me tag along to their things with their friends. I want to expand my social circle, while at the same time explore my kinks and stop running from myself.

But, it's just the beginning, and this is a barrier I haven't crossed yet, so I'm a little nervous still. I'll get to where I want to be eventually, and hopefully I'll make new friends along the way. Taking the initiative and going (especially by myself) is a huge step for me.

And I didn't take any offense from your posts. I've been around the boards long enough to recognize your posting style and not take it personally.

JstAnotherSub, thanks. I'm glad I'm not the only one that gets nervous. I was making it worse than it needed to be, and this thread helped me step back and take a deep breath. Since that was the goal, I'm glad it worked. I also had a bunch of other things happening this week which added to feeling overwhelmed a bit. As the week progressed, and things got checked off it's gotten a lot better. Plus, the rope practice session on Wed went well, much better than the first time (having a practice partner can do that, lol). It was someone I met at the munch, and he'll be at the workshops on sat too. We're going to have dinner before the party to have a follow-up conversation about the practice session and negotiate possible future public practices.

This is what I was talking about with the interconnectedness of the scene here. What happens in one place can easily carry over.

Sheisreeds, okay. I hear what you're saying. I've been keeping those same warnings in the back of my mind for a while now. I've been in open relationships and fwb-type things in the past, so separating sex and love is something I'm okay with. The added happy-inducing chemical production is something I will emotionally have to keep an eye on. I don't think it will be a problem for me to keep the physical from being interpreted as something more, but I'll definitely be watching myself for just that if I start to feel more with someone.

Thanks again for everyone that commented. You gave me something to think about and got me out of my own way. I will definitely give an update on how it goes once I've recovered and processed it (there's a number of other things on my plate this weekend, so that might not be Sunday).

Cheers.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 31

RE: Reality Check - 11/1/2013 9:56:34 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

Ok, then it's whole public scene thing that I don't understand I guess. I just feel too old to to care about who accepts me or not, be it my work or elsewhere. You either do or you don't.

Perhaps it's more that you already have that happy home-zone with the partner that works for you that is making it hard for you to understand.

When I have someone at home that understands me and is willing to stand the test of time with me, I may have a different opinion about the public scene. Until then, the public local scene is one of the places that I plan to look for what you've already found in Kana. Having that and looking for that are two different levels of personal emotional risk.

ETA I didn't read the all the posts til after I wrote this. So I guess I didnt really need to echo lil comment.

lil hit the nail right on the head... tho for me it never was a age thing. I've always had enuff self esteem/confidence/whatever in who I am and what I'm about not to care about how others view me.

I do believe you said it yourself... making a mountain ...It's much ado about nothing! Bottom line. The only person who matters in what ppl think of you...is YOU!

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 11/1/2013 10:04:57 AM >

_____________________________

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We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

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Post #: 32

RE: Reality Check - 11/1/2013 1:30:57 PM

lovethyself

Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Bottom line. The only person who matters in what ppl think of you...is YOU!

I'm gonna go on a slight tangent here, 'cause this is something that confuses me. If I lived in a vaccuum and had no interactions or reliance on others, then yes, mine is the only opinion that matters. But that's not true in real life. I may think I'm amazing and a master >insert profession here< but if the person interviewing me for a position has a different opinion, that opinion is going to hold weight. Their opinion does actually matter to my desires in getting that job.

Or put differently, you (general you) may think you're smooth as silk with the ladies, giving them appreciative looks when they are dressed to the nines, or talking to them at the bar, but if she isn't liking the attention and thinks you're being creepy, her opinion of you is going to count when she talks to the bouncer.

I think I understand the sentiment behind what I quoted, and I've seen it in a couple of posts here. I'm just not sure how true it is when applied to every day life.

This is me just musing on what you and others have said. I know I need to get comfortable with my opinion of myself, but what other people think can and does affect me, so why wouldn't I take that into consideration when trying to integrate with a somewhat established group? I'm not going to change my fundamental self to fit in, but I may adjust my behaviour slightly, just as I watch my language around my 3 year old niece, or keep my gutterminded comments to myself if I'm with someone that would be uncomfortable with hearing them.

< Message edited by lovethyself -- 11/1/2013 1:31:33 PM >

(in reply to SailingBum)

Post #: 33

RE: Reality Check - 11/1/2013 5:32:52 PM

ShamanatDawn

Posts: 8
Joined: 11/1/2013
Status: offline

I totally get what you're saying to a point. I am insanely insecure, BUT I would LOVE to go to one of these types of gatherings if nothing else but to get into the community, and get my face known first.

(in reply to Lucylastic)

Post #: 34

RE: Reality Check - 11/4/2013 2:45:23 PM

lovethyself

Posts: 1818
Joined: 11/4/2012
Status: offline

So, some of you asked me to come back after the party and let you know how it went.

All in all, it went well. There was a full day of workshops, including topics like negotiations, impact play, rope, bottoming, topping, etc. (some were at the same time, so I didn't go to everything, though I probably would have). I'm not sure how much new information I learned, but it helped me solidify what I had already learned here and elsewhere.

After the workshops I got a chance to try out my newly aquired skills with an aquaintance from one of the munches. We were at a rope open practice earlier in the week, and since it went well, we decided we needed to flesh out the negotiated boundaries for future practices. It was a very good, open and candid conversation, and somewhat of a relief for me because I had been mulling it over since the practice on Wed. Yeah, I over think things sometimes. But I'd rather that than not think it through and pay later.

So, the actual party...... was good. All through the day the instructors (presenters?) had reinforced the idea that we shouldn't feel like play was a must. That it was completely okay to just come and socialize and not play if you're not comfortable. I got to have some wonderful conversations with other newbies and experienced people. It turns out I'm pretty good at retaining information about knots (could be my sailing/rigging background.... or not), so at one point I was talking to one of the sort of experienced people about the knots we learned earlier, and was able to show her the locking knot that she had missed in the demo. Her partners' wife was one of the presenters, so part of the evening we got a tour of her goody bag of impact toys. I've got some crafting ideas that I want to try now. *giggles* All I need is someone that can teach me how to work with leather.......

Thank you all for your input. It helped me to talk it through before actually showing up there. And now I'm sort of wondering why I was so worried in the first place. You peeps rock!!

ETA: spelling

(in reply to ShamanatDawn)

Post #: 35

RE: Reality Check - 11/4/2013 6:57:22 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

Yay! Thanks for the update :)

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 36

RE: Reality Check - 11/4/2013 7:03:43 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I am so happy to hear all of this! Thanks for coming back to say how everything went. Score!

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Post #: 37

RE: Reality Check - 11/6/2013 3:56:11 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

Bottom line. The only person who matters in what ppl think of you...is YOU!

I'm gonna go on a slight tangent here, 'cause this is something that confuses me. If I lived in a vaccuum and had no interactions or reliance on others, then yes, mine is the only opinion that matters. But that's not true in real life. I may think I'm amazing and a master >insert profession here< but if the person interviewing me for a position has a different opinion, that opinion is going to hold weight. Their opinion does actually matter to my desires in getting that job.

Or put differently, you (general you) may think you're smooth as silk with the ladies, giving them appreciative looks when they are dressed to the nines, or talking to them at the bar, but if she isn't liking the attention and thinks you're being creepy, her opinion of you is going to count when she talks to the bouncer.

I think I understand the sentiment behind what I quoted, and I've seen it in a couple of posts here. I'm just not sure how true it is when applied to every day life.

This is me just musing on what you and others have said. I know I need to get comfortable with my opinion of myself, but what other people think can and does affect me, so why wouldn't I take that into consideration when trying to integrate with a somewhat established group? I'm not going to change my fundamental self to fit in, but I may adjust my behaviour slightly, just as I watch my language around my 3 year old niece, or keep my gutterminded comments to myself if I'm with someone that would be uncomfortable with hearing them.

That's all well and good for you. <not the generic you> I was attempting to give you a different perspective as in accept me for who I am or go away. Yes it's really that simple.

I'm glad you had a nice time at the event and learned some stuff. That's kinda what the boards are here for the exchange of differing viewpoints.

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 11/6/2013 3:58:09 AM >

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 38

RE: Reality Check - 11/9/2013 1:04:10 AM

CynthiaWVirginia

Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

I'm discovering that I have a *teensy* bit of social anxiety about trying to get out into the community. I've gone to some munches, met some very welcoming people, took the time I needed to process how I felt about it, tried a rope practice event, (I chickened out after the welcome tutorial/beginner lesson and left, partially because I didn't know anyone there and had no one to practice with).

I hope you don't mind my shortening this quote so I can respond to just those sentences.

I knew someone once who had a similar problem...and I suggested making just a friend or two, possibly fem subs, from that group, exchanging letters, meeting up for coffee somewhere, then talking on the phone and hanging out whenever you are comfortable. Sometimes it's easier going to new places when you have a friend or two going with you. Also, it would settle your problem of having someone to practice with. Let your new friend know that you have an anxiety problem and what makes things harder and easier on you.

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 39

RE: Reality Check - 11/10/2013 12:37:50 PM

PheonixRose

Posts: 748
Joined: 9/19/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovethyself

I'm discovering that I have a *teensy* bit of social anxiety about trying to get out into the community. I've gone to some munches, met some very welcoming people, took the time I needed to process how I felt about it, tried a rope practice event, (I chickened out after the welcome tutorial/beginner lesson and left, partially because I didn't know anyone there and had no one to practice with).

This week I'm going to a couple of things, including my first play party on Sat (I swear I'm not gonna chicken out completely like last time. I'll already be there for the workshops prior, and I've met the organizer now).

But, for whatever reason I'm a mess of nerves. Butterflies, nausea, anxiety, and some other not pleasant things. In short, I'm scared. I've never really been confident in myself, though I've been good at hiding it in the past when necessary (at work, with friends, in leadership roles). Fake it till you make it kind of thing. In those other circumstances it didn't feel like the stakes were as high. It didn't matter if they didn't like me at work, as long as they were satisfied with the final product and I got along with others.

With this though, it's more about being accepted and liked for who I am, which puts me out there in a way I haven't been in a long time. It wouldn't take much to have my confidence shattered (yeah it's that fragile).

I guess what I'm asking for is a bit of what to expect, as well as any social gaffs to avoid. How do I avoid falling flat on my face and end up the laughing stock of the community (or this small corner of it)? I need a reality check to snap myself out of over thinking the whole thing and crippling myself before I even walk in the door.

Thanks

Well Lovethyself dear i would say your manifesting and doing the same nervous wreck that i did when i went to my first munch. I was driving my ex husband and myself to Wichita for a munch and my nerves got to me on top of the fact that i was driving and tunnel visioned and almost had a wreck when we got to el Dorado. after my ex husband took over the driving i did some deep breathing and such. once i got to the munch i was the mouse in the corner till i warmed up to everyone being there and such. we started the munch at a restaurant which was nice because we go to talk to the others and get to know them. It made me feel better and then we went to the munch dungeon to have some play time. again i was nervous and such but after walking around and looking at what they had and watching others do what they liked i decided to give a try at a flogging on my back with me laying on the suspended bed. i was nervous and new i would here surprised noises from the others that were watching when they heard how hard of hits i was receiving i have a high pain tolerance depending on what type of item is being used. so after a while i relaxed into subspace and was happy as can be. Prior to my ex husband and i starting our session i saw a couple prepping for fire play and asked for a demonstration and for them to do it to me to see if i liked it. while in subspace the DM came over and patted me on the shoulder to get my attention so that i could watch my ex husband have it done to him to see if he would approve of having it done to me. He approved so after i resurfaced from a mild subspace i went over and it was my turn. i was nervous about it because it was something new but after a bit i relaxed and enjoyed it sinking into a subspace again. the only problem my ex husband had with the whole experience was that the DM was a male and helped move my pants and such off of my hips some so that i could experience cupping on my lower back. it bothered me some but i relaxed back into it and enjoyed.

i guess what im trying to say is push through the nerves and observe. also go with someone you can trust to play lead and such. ask questions and do what ever you feel comfortable with. have fun and enjoy the experience.

hope this helps some.

_____________________________

Blessed Be,
Pheonix Rose

SLAVE OF CÆRGOWEN OWNED BY CHAOSFORGE

COLLARED JAN. 3RD & HAND FASTED JAN. 7TH OF 2009

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~Tribesmen of Gor pg 75

(in reply to lovethyself)

Post #: 40

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