Not sure how to deal with this sub

Not sure how to deal with this sub (Full Version)

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felicityfleece -> Not sure how to deal with this sub (10/29/2013 11:15:34 PM)
Hi there! I'm a fairly new domme and have recently acquired a new sub (online only, he lives far away), who is a very nice guy, but he's SO inexperienced and quite extreme in ways that I'm not comfortable with. He is a 27 year old virgin which doesn't worry me, but he is desperate to disfigure PERMANENTLY his penis. I mean...I cannot in my right mind tell him to do this sort of thing. He keeps saying he wants to carve my name in it and de-ball himself! I can't abide by this sort of thing. I had horrible images the other day of him cutting off his whole penis and then bleeding to death! He wants to be marked and scarred and deformed forever. I think he hates his body, which is a shame. He won't show me his face which is not a problem for me, and I won't force him to. I just don't want to permanently hurt someone, even though of course it's not me who would actually be doing it. What if he disfigures himself so badly he STAYS a virgin for the rest of his life out of necessity?! Where do you draw the line? I have a feeling he already thinks I'm too soft because I am holding back on getting more "extreme" with him. Thanks so much.

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (10/29/2013 11:59:22 PM)
You draw the line right there. If your common sense tells you something is unwise and unsafe, don't do it. If that means he moves on, so be it. He's an adult and you can't be responsible for his choices if he looks somewhere else to do this, but you can certainly decide not to feed into it. If you were in a real-time long term relationship I'd be advising that your very next order is to get him some counseling. I don't know if or how that would work in an online only situation. It's clear this man is not thinking straight, because as you said, he's looking at things which are going to have severe life long consequences and is acting out of self-hatred. It's a bad idea to get a tattoo with the name of your new partner. It's a really, really screwy idea to carve her name into your penis. So what if he thinks you're too soft. You're the dominant. You say what is or isn't soft. Don't let him push you around to get his own way. Better you stick to your guns about a serious issue than you cave to something you know is irresponsible - who wants a domme like that? I suspect that along with the self-loathing, the inexperience is playing a massive part in this. He most likely has no frame of reference to put the pain in to. Many people imagine themselves undergoing vicious beatings only to realise that outside of masturbatory fantasies, these things really hurt and a firm spanking is closer to their level. If he's spent perhaps 10 years fantasizing, he will have had to increase the level of the fantasy over time to get the same thrill, until eventually it's really extreme. In reality, with real actual pain and human contact, it's likely that he wouldn't want or be able to cope with anywhere near as extreme stuff as he jacks off to. He's also not yet realised the 'life goes on' part of being kinky - you might have a weekend of wild abandon, but when Monday rolls around someone's got to do the dishes, walk the dog and go out to buy milk. Perhaps once he's experienced real life D/s or BDSM he will get things into perspective and be able to understand that life with no genitals won't be as much fun as he things. BUT in order to get there, it sounds like he might need some professional help working through these things.

littlewonder -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (10/30/2013 8:05:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: felicityfleece Hi there! I'm a fairly new domme and have recently acquired a new sub (online only, he lives far away), who is a very nice guy, but he's SO inexperienced and quite extreme in ways that I'm not comfortable with. He is a 27 year old virgin which doesn't worry me, but he is desperate to disfigure PERMANENTLY his penis. I mean...I cannot in my right mind tell him to do this sort of thing. He keeps saying he wants to carve my name in it and de-ball himself! I can't abide by this sort of thing. I had horrible images the other day of him cutting off his whole penis and then bleeding to death! He wants to be marked and scarred and deformed forever. I think he hates his body, which is a shame. He won't show me his face which is not a problem for me, and I won't force him to. I just don't want to permanently hurt someone, even though of course it's not me who would actually be doing it. What if he disfigures himself so badly he STAYS a virgin for the rest of his life out of necessity?! Where do you draw the line? I have a feeling he already thinks I'm too soft because I am holding back on getting more "extreme" with him. Thanks so much. You just got a wanker on your hands and nothing more. Laugh, ignore, delete. He's not serious. It's just a fantasy in his head. We have TONS around here like that. Stick around. You'll see. And tell him to go right ahead and do it. He'll disappear quicker than you can blink because you're not playing his game.

MistressDarkArt -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (10/30/2013 9:17:59 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littlewonder He's not serious. It's just a fantasy in his head. We have TONS around here like that. Stick around. You'll see. And tell him to go right ahead and do it. He'll disappear quicker than you can blink because you're not playing his game. Spot on. Or, if you're a pro-domme, up your rates to the ridiculous level. You might as well get something out of this.

felicityfleece -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (10/30/2013 9:35:30 PM)
Thank you SO much! Yes, I am SO NOT comfortable with this and I simply don't want to have another person hurt because they don't know what the hell they're doing or have some kind of sad self-hatred going on. He's never done this before, and he keeps kind of pulling back and saying he's scared and all that. It's obvious he doesn't really understand the reality of any of it, because as soon as I DO move forward in any way, he gets scared pushes the pause button, but I'm not even doing anything extreme yet, which is apparently what he wants? WTF!? lol So. Yeah. I have already told him I shall "blackmail" him today for the photos he's already sent (which of course I have absolutely no intention of ever showing anyone, even if he did freak out entirely and leave), so...I'll see what happens and if I end up with some nice money, then I'll move onto my other subs who are not QUITE so...uh...yeah. :) Thanks again!

AthenaSurrenders -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (10/31/2013 4:29:37 AM)
It's entirely up to you what you decide to do with your subs, and I only mention this because by your own admission, you're still new and figuring things out. A lot of dommes stay well away from blackmail play, especially with people they only know over the internet. There are some pretty serious legal implications if this guy should freak out and go to the police. Please make sure you do your homework and properly cover yourself. Even more so since you're playing with someone that keeps changing his mind and panicking. Do you really like this guy? Are you getting something out of this interaction on a personal level? Because there's nothing wrong with saying 'I'm not the right dominant for you' and moving on. You might benefit from having a sub with less complicated issues, and he might benefit from finding a dominant who is more experienced and confident when it comes to setting boundaries and helping him through his concerns.

felicityfleece -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (10/31/2013 6:07:02 PM)
Yes, that is very good advice which i was 90% decided about doing before. I will tell him i am not the right domme for him. I just don't want to be implicated in either blackmail legal issues or if he seriously harms himself. Thank you again!

littlewonder -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (10/31/2013 6:19:18 PM)
not your concern. If he harms himself then that's on him, not you. You never encouraged him or anything else. He's an adult. Let him take responsibility for himself. You are not his mommy.

BrooklinePrisone -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (11/2/2013 11:23:02 PM)
I am a person more like his side of this issue. First do not call his bluff. He will likely do it and it is your conscious when he cuts himself. I have talked to Sadists that talk about if I offer him no limits he mentions that the problem is he can only kill me once. You have to convince him that you will refuse that because that is too easy to do just once. To really torture someone like that you want to more than once and you want to be able to do that often. If he is that self depraved yo should be in command and refuse as that is too simple. He have to suffer by keeping things in act. Do not let him be selfish. Humiliate him and convince him that his penis IS pathetic and you are not going to let him even touch it. You are to advertize so the world will be aware how pathetic his unit really is and everyone should know and see how ugly it really is. If he cuts himself he is denying others pleasure to humiliate him. Punishment is to deny his wish. Teach him he HAVE TO deal with his penis. This is not to make him love his penis. on the contrary he will have to HATE it and it will be a constant aware how pathetic his groin is. Really inflict cock and ball torture. As a Domme this is what you can not comprehend what it is like. You do not have one. You will never know what it is like. He MUST leave it alone. Find any way to inflict intense pain BUT NOT damaging it. It is like myself I expect pain but I hope other be creative rather than simply whipping me and my genitals. There can be many ways to cause pain but leaves no marks. Same with your sub. I watch videos of FemDoms torturing a slave and they like to play with a cock and balls. She likes to kick hard and she has no ideas what pain it feels when balls are kicked real hard. She can have an idea what it might be like but never really know. So pain will be your friend forever and if cut off there is no pain anymore. So keep it intact and that will never be fulfilled for the sub and his desire.

DarkSteven -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (11/3/2013 5:22:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: felicityfleece He's never done this before, and he keeps kind of pulling back and saying he's scared and all that. It's obvious he doesn't really understand the reality of any of it, because as soon as I DO move forward in any way, he gets scared pushes the pause button, but I'm not even doing anything extreme yet, which is apparently what he wants? WTF!? lol He enjoys the drama and manipulating you and twisting things around. Tell him goodbye.

Toysinbabeland -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (11/3/2013 5:34:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: felicityfleece Hi there! I'm a fairly new domme and have recently acquired a new sub (online only, he lives far away), who is a very nice guy, but he's SO inexperienced and quite extreme in ways that I'm not comfortable with. He is a 27 year old virgin which doesn't worry me, but he is desperate to disfigure PERMANENTLY his penis. I mean...I cannot in my right mind tell him to do this sort of thing. He keeps saying he wants to carve my name in it and de-ball himself! I can't abide by this sort of thing. I had horrible images the other day of him cutting off his whole penis and then bleeding to death! He wants to be marked and scarred and deformed forever. I think he hates his body, which is a shame. He won't show me his face which is not a problem for me, and I won't force him to. I just don't want to permanently hurt someone, even though of course it's not me who would actually be doing it. What if he disfigures himself so badly he STAYS a virgin for the rest of his life out of necessity?! Where do you draw the line? I have a feeling he already thinks I'm too soft because I am holding back on getting more "extreme" with him. Thanks so much. So, let's get this straight. Who is calling the shots? You or him? That is where you start have to really questioning yourself whether you are in control or not. If you can't handle the situation, you should consider the fact that he is handling the situation himself because he wants to discuss doing this. IF he had wanted to do it without someone's permission he already would have. I believe he is getting off on the fact that he may be able to do it with someone's permission. Obviously you don't care for this type of action so you should either do something about it or walk. In either case, I don't believe there's time for delay.

AIPAIN -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (11/21/2013 10:23:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven quote: ORIGINAL: felicityfleece He's never done this before, and he keeps kind of pulling back and saying he's scared and all that. It's obvious he doesn't really understand the reality of any of it, because as soon as I DO move forward in any way, he gets scared pushes the pause button, but I'm not even doing anything extreme yet, which is apparently what he wants? WTF!? lol He enjoys the drama and manipulating you and twisting things around. Tell him goodbye. Tell him good bye! If he is threatening self mutilation without fear, then he is 1 of 2 things, a nut or a drama queen. Some feed of dragging their Doms into drama. They try to make you think ok this one is a sweety then once you start to talk serious they go all wacky on you. Say good bye and be done with it. not being done with it holds your conscious as prisoner, which en-turn makes the sub the one in control. I do not tolerate self mutilation nor any talk of suicide. You want to do that then by all means leave ME out of it. Don't need that in any way on MY conscious!

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Not sure how to deal with this sub (11/22/2013 4:18:35 AM)
If you're going to be an online fin dom, you're going to need to learn how to set some boundaries and how to actually BE A DOM. I understand you're new, and I understand we all had to start somewhere, but you're setting yourself up for serious disaster b/c frankly you don't have the skills to avoid it. You should know that the first rule is ....don't engage with people so mentally ill they could harm themselves b/c of you. As some others have suggested, this is most likely just wank fantasy. But that you're coming to a message board to determine if he'd really hurt himself or not screams of clueless inexperience at the very least.

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