BeachMystress
Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
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Bubba and The Tazer
My friends are fond of saying that my last words on
this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold
my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself
once again. No doubt you will see this true story
chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future.
Here goes:
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and
Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that
my "fancy" is easily tickled. I had gone into the Star
Market to pick up some milk yesterday and I bought
a superball in the checkout line -- 50 cents.
What a bargain! It tickled my fancy--still does.
That thing bounces soooooo high, and it has provided
me with hours of entertainment. It just doesn't get
any better than that, now does it?)
I'm so easily distracted.
That dang superball is so much fun.
So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, I bought
something really cool at Larry's Pistol and Pawn last
Saturday.
The occasion was my 50th birthday and I was looking
for a little something extra cool. What I came across
was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with
a clip.
For those of you who are not familiar with this
product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two
metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant
with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety.
The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed
assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then
you're truly missing out--way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was so disappointed.
Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin
that this particular model would not create an
arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do
love fire for effect.
I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and
pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs that I was so looking forward to.
I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . . I'm easily amused.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog Molly looking on
intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions
(that would be me, not Molly), and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Molly for a
fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet doggy, after all.
But, if I was going to use this thing to protect myself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised.
Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed
reasonable to me at the time . So, there I sat in a
pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of
bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
(measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
bloody way!" Bloody way--trust me, but I'm getting
ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have
got a pretty good idea of what followed.
I'm sitting there alone, Molly looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it daddy,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil'
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational
thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?).
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the
hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like
hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it
was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed
so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
button, and Holy F**king Chit! DAMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
slammed me on the carpet over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my
body in the oddest position.
Molly was standing over me making whimpering sounds
I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again daddy, do it again!"
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a
Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like
yours truly.)
SON-OF-A-BIAAATCH that hurt! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape.
My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and
both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. +/- an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather
large, kinda hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself.
Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.
Yours Truly.
Bubba
_____________________________
Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/
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