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Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 12:58:10 PM   
MasterJohnSteed


Posts: 217
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		Sorry to disappoint this is not a twilight zone thread. It is a thread to see if I can get discussion on the following:

"if X (Wanted you, loved you, cared for you, wanted to jump your bones etc and so on) you wouldn't be with out them, they would be there now"

After my divorce, my job made me go see a shrink because someone caught me crying in the bathroom. At the time I'd been officially divorced from my wife two weeks and still was in love with her.

I have had a friend that I thought would be there for me through thick and thin and due to differences we are no longer friends. There are times that I think about trying to recover that friendship. However I think about what the shrink said and I say to my self. Well they can just as easily pick up the phone, come to my house etc.

Am I being unfair to my friend or am I being justified in the thought that If they want to fix the relationship they can contact me.

_____________________________

"Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City sailor wana hump hump bar or is this getaway day, and your last shot at his whiskey. Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 1:22:05 PM   
AthenaSurrenders


Posts: 3582
Joined: 3/15/2012
Status: offline 		I have no idea about your friend's motivations or desires, but I know if I were in your position, I would reach out to him.

Perhaps he would also like to talk to you, but is thinking the same thing - 'if he wanted to be friends he would have called'.

It's scary to risk rejection, but think of it this way:

You call him:
Worst case - he doesn't want to be friends and you don't get his support
Best case - he wants to be friends and things are great.

You don't call him:
You assume that he doesn't want to be friends, you don't get his support, and you spend a lot of time wondering.

When you put it like that, it seems like a worthwhile gamble, don't you think?

_____________________________

Being your slave, what should I do but tend
Upon the hours and times of your desire?

(in reply to MasterJohnSteed)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 1:27:45 PM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		depends on why the friendship ended in the first place. if you were a twat to me and I stopped making the effort then hell would freeze over before i'd pick up the phone to rebuild that back up. then again i'm usually the one making all the effort to keep in touch with people anyway. it's one of the reasons I keep so few people close to me. fewer people to hurt my feelings by not being the friend to me that I am, and they expect me to be to them. I also get sick of people somehow being able to make it my fault too which is what I tell myself every time someone tries getting into my life too quickly.

only you know why you fell out with your friend, or they fell out with you. seriously, we, nor a fricking shrink can tell you whether that is worth sorting out. you know whether it is, or not. that person is either toxic, or not. weigh up how much you need them.

needles

_____________________________

I deserved better. Not than you, but from you.

(in reply to MasterJohnSteed)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 1:39:53 PM   
KYsissy


Posts: 781
Joined: 5/12/2005
Status: offline 		People make mistakes. There are misunderstandings. The difference between the people I keep in my life and the people I no longer care about is how these inevitable events are handled. If you screwed up. Stand up, raise your hand and say "i screwed up". If your friend screwed up, get in touch, and try to work it out.

If it is unclear who is at fault or if both of you behaved poorly, say as much.

Worst case, you lost a bit of time and now you know there is no salvaging the relationship and you can move on.

_____________________________

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers, 1897-1935

(in reply to needlesandpins)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 1:57:56 PM   
SweetAnise


Posts: 480
Joined: 8/23/2013
Status: offline 		Let the friend go. Focus on you. Connect with your therapist.

(in reply to KYsissy)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 2:10:07 PM   
DaddySatyr


Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline 		Friends don't walk away when the going gets tough.

Re-evaluate your selection process.





_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to SweetAnise)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 2:12:28 PM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I'm the last person who should give you friend advice, but..if your gut is urging you to do it, then do it. Contact them. I'm betting the friend misses you too.



_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 2:16:02 PM   
SeekingTrinity


Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline 		~FRing it~

I'd say it depends on what caused the rift as to whether or not rekindling the friendship was worth it or not. Only you can answer if that is healthy for you. Not knowing anything about the situation, I can't say gor sure one way or the other. Sure, they could pick up the phone too. But so can you. Question is...is this a door best left closed?

(in reply to DaddySatyr)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 2:20:36 PM   
HoneyBears


Posts: 337
Joined: 11/5/2013
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

depends on why the friendship ended in the first place. if you were a twat to me and I stopped making the effort then hell would freeze over before i'd pick up the phone to rebuild that back up. then again i'm usually the one making all the effort to keep in touch with people anyway. it's one of the reasons I keep so few people close to me. fewer people to hurt my feelings by not being the friend to me that I am, and they expect me to be to them. I also get sick of people somehow being able to make it my fault too which is what I tell myself every time someone tries getting into my life too quickly.

only you know why you fell out with your friend, or they fell out with you. seriously, we, nor a fricking shrink can tell you whether that is worth sorting out. you know whether it is, or not. that person is either toxic, or not. weigh up how much you need them.

needles

I know exactly what you mean needles, being there as a loyal friend for everybody else, but them not being there for you nearly as much.
One-sidedness does get old and tiresome.
What endeared me the most about my lover is that we became good friends first.
We are both cut out of the same cloth that way.
(That, and he is sexy as hell.... )

MasterJohnSteed, most of us are understanding when it comes to someone going through a divorce.
They can act in irrational, ridiculous ways they would not normally have done.
You need to pick up the phone, apologize for whatever it was that caused this rift, then suggest going out and doing a fun activity you used to do together.
Even if you feel hurt that it was your buddy's fault and that he is the one who owes you an apology.
It does not get any better as you grow older. Trustworthy friends (and partners) are harder to come by. A lifetime of irreversible regrets pile up.
Be the bigger man and try to salvage what you can instead of living in regret. At least you will know deep down inside that you tried your best.

_____________________________

"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."-- J.G. Holland

(in reply to needlesandpins)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 3:30:18 PM   
HoneyBears


Posts: 337
Joined: 11/5/2013
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
quote:

ORIGINAL: HoneyBears

Surely you and she must have exchanged proper testing certifications for being STD-free during this one-week e-mail exchange before hooking up in a hotel room.
We apologize for making you feel judged and for jumping to the wrong conclusions.

The level of passive-aggressiveness in these two sentences is almost ironic. Is that really how you'd like to represent yourself on a worldwide forum?

All right then, we sincerely apologize for making you feel judged and for jumping to the wrong conclusions.
Your lack of denial (passive-aggressive side-stepping?) speaks volumes.
You are calling more attention to what might have been a relatively insignificant matter or modus operandi.
"Is that really how you'd like to represent yourself on a worldwide forum?"

Dejà vu signature line moment:
"Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word."

_____________________________

"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."-- J.G. Holland

(in reply to MasterJohnSteed)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 5:30:27 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline 		Is there some reason you brought your argument with RedMagic into this thread???

Wow.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to HoneyBears)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 5:33:24 PM   
Apocalypso


Posts: 1104
Joined: 4/20/2009
Status: offline 		More passive-aggressiveness is not generally an effective defense against accusations of passive-aggressiveness.

EDIT: We STILL need a flame forum on here.

_____________________________

If you're going to quote from the Book of Revelation,
Don't keep calling it the "Book of Revelations",
There's no "s", it's the Book of Revelation,
As revealed to Saint John the Divine.

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 5:51:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Not to play devil's advocate, but you were very needy at that point. Divorce, job loss and so on. If what you asked from that friend was more than they were able to give, they may feel it's your fault the friendship ended. That you were never there for them.

I kept an old college friendship going for longer than I should because she didn't live nearby and I didn't get those phone calls wanting support every day. But when it was me in need, she wasn't there for me. I'm sure if you asked her she would say it was all my fault. But in twenty years of me suggesting she get help and make the changes she claimed to want in her life, she never did. And eventually I just wore out listening to her whining.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Apocalypso)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 7:55:52 PM   
MasterJohnSteed


Posts: 217
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		The friend that I lost my connection with, never called me to talk, never called me to watch tv with, never called me just to check on me. But they sure called me if they wanted their computer fixed. Had something that they needed. Wanted me to do something for them.

The night that we "broke up" was because they called me in the middle of the night to come give them a jump start for their car. I was already in bed. They had a son, a brother, and EX that they could have called, but somehow you think I should save your fat from the fire.

I had been telling them for years to make an emergency kit for their car. I had to change a tire for them once, when they had someone right there that could have done the job but for what ever reason they couldn't do it for them.

_____________________________

"Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City sailor wana hump hump bar or is this getaway day, and your last shot at his whiskey. Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 8:07:57 PM   
Lisfor


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/9/2013
Status: offline 		If the situations had been reversed, would they have come to your rescue if you called them out of nowhere for help? for me personally, it is a challenge to do those things like small talk, just watch tv, chat about nothing, because I can't see the point...... I can watch tv on my own, I don't like chatting about nothing, and I don't like beating about the bush and pretending to make social gestures because you're too embarrassed to explain your problem-- and I don't get lonely easily so calling on them for company doesn't happen often either. There are people like this, and we don't mean anything by it or that we don't value our friends. The only real way to tell if they're really your friends or just using you, is whether they will be there when you call on them for specific help.

(in reply to MasterJohnSteed)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 9:06:04 PM   
xxblushesxx


Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		I think we're talking more about a romantic relationship and less about a friendship. I think had the original question been a bit more clear on that, OP may have received different answers.

The answer here is, she's just really not that into you. You'd know it if she was, and you wouldn't even have to ask.

Move on and find someone who will be there for and with you. Good luck.

_____________________________

~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

My femdom findom blog: http://www.MistressAvarice.com


(in reply to Lisfor)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 9:07:36 PM   
Lisfor


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/9/2013
Status: offline 		I took the quotation to refer to a statement made regarding his wife and the divorce

(in reply to xxblushesxx)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 10:53:25 PM   
JeffBC


Posts: 5799
Joined: 2/12/2012
From: Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterJohnSteed
Am I being unfair to my friend or am I being justified in the thought that If they want to fix the relationship they can contact me.

I have no idea who you are being fair or unfair to but I vastly dislike passive behavior... particularly in doms.

_____________________________

I'm a lover of "what is", not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality. -- Bryon Katie
"You're humbly arrogant" -- sunshinemiss
officially a member of the K Crowd

(in reply to MasterJohnSteed)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Submitted for your Approval...... - 11/10/2013 11:47:47 PM   
HoneyBears


Posts: 337
Joined: 11/5/2013
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		littlewonder and Apocalypso, we have no idea how this post, intended for a different thread, got here.

MasterJohnSteed, our Post No. 10 belongs elsewhere and has nothing to do with you or your situation.

It would appear to not be deleteable.
Now that I think about it, we did have more than one window open.
I must have copied text as a back-up while I was waiting for Cub to return momentarily to take a look before pressing OK.
Next time I will use Notebook. (His computer is newer and does not have convenient little desktop notepads I am used to that look like post-it notes.)

Btw, Apocalypso, if you want to call referring back to someone else's own words verbatim as being passive-aggressive, then so be it.
When one person is throwing down the gauntlet while you have made an attempt to be conciliatory, you are correct in perceiving this in a non-aggressive light.

Along those lines, MasterJohnSteed, it is up to you whether you want reconciliation with your old friend.
It might be a good idea to clear the air with him even if the friendship itself is no longer salvageable.
As JeffBC has pointed out in so many words, taking a pro-active stance is the more beneficial option.

_____________________________

"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."-- J.G. Holland

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 19
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